Dinner Nursery Rhymes

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

     Once upon a time, a rather precocious Goldilocks went for a walk in the woods. Losing her way she came upon a large house with a sign saying: Private Property: Keep out! – The Bear Family. Ignoring the warning Goldilocks went inside. She saw three chairs. “One is too big,” she said. “The other is too soft, but the little one is just right. Somehow all three chairs were turned over and broken.

Then in the kitchen, after pocketing some silverware, it was more of the same: “This plate is too worn while the middle one is too fragile but the little one is just right. The porridge was freeze-dried. She left a mess in the sink.

On into the bedroom she went and, after checking for valuables in all the drawers, Goldilocks saw three beds. “The big one is too hard,” she said, “while the medium sized one is too soft, but the little bed is just right.” Then, after using the bear’s toothbrushes and helping herself to a bubble bath, she fell asleep.

Moments later the Bear Family returned, strangled the intruder, and ate Goldilocks for dinner. When an investigation was mounted, the Bears were exonerated based on the Make My Day Law.

The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time, there were three little homeless pigs. After receiving their welfare checks, they all bought building materials to construct houses. The first pig built his of straw, the second of sticks and the third of brick. Then, in what appeared to be a matter of minutes the Big Bad Wolf showed up threatening to Huff and Puff and Blow the houses in. Well, he wasn’t bullshitting. The first house was easy, the second required a bit more wind, and the third house was leveled with the assistance of Israeli Army units who just happened to be in the neighborhood looking for Palestinian terrorists. Then the Big Bad Wolf ate up all three of the pigs, and kept their earnest money. He would have offered some to the bulldozer crews but they were kosher.

Hansel and Gretel     

Once upon a time a brother and sister act, Hansel and Gretel ran away from an evil stepfather back at the ranch. So as not to lose their way in the enchanted forest they dropped microwave popcorn along their trail. Unfortunately magpies ate it all (duh?) and the children became lost. After a few hours they came to a witch’s house made of candy, gingerbread and icing. They peeked into the window, began eating the insulation and siding. Soon they were caught by the witch, who had no sweet tooth to speak of, and thrown into a birdcage. The witch then fattened up Hansel and Gretel like common veal on gruel and bad Mexican food for about two weeks. Then one morning she chicken fried the two and ate one for lunch and one for dinner. She was later arrested and indicted on charges of cannibalism and is doing time as a political prisoner in Canon City.

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon another time, Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to bring wine and cheese to grandma’s condominium on the golf course. On the way The Wolf who had only moments before gobbled up grandma, her assets and her poodle, intercepted her. Then he stole her RV. The wolf approached in a courteous manner but Little Red Riding Hood, who held a black belt in Tai-Kwon-Do was having none of it.

He quickly split, retracing his steps to grandma’s condo. The wolf, a known transvestite, changed into grandma’s clothes and hopped on the bed in apprehension of Riding Hood’s arrival. When she called out at the security gate (which the wolf had earlier easily scaled while the guard was out smoking a joint) and the wolf answered in his best grandma voice: “Yes, dear. I’m in here.”

When Riding Hood, a graduate of Western State, came into the room, she knew something was wrong but went into the familiar refrain “What big eyes you have. What a big nose you have, etc., covering the facial features, bodily gestures, breath and encroaching fur, ad nauseam. When she said something about his big, white, shiny teeth, the wolf (who had been waiting all day to deliver his line) uttered those immortal words: “All the better to eat you with!” Then he followed through and ate her all up, washing her down with the bottle of cheap white wine that was too sweet for even a wolf.

Having finished his second dinner of the day the tired wolf emptied the liquor cabinet and strolled out of grandma’s condo only to be shot fifty times by the local police who had come to bust the gate guard. He was then sold to a famous food chain and made into chicken fingers.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill as we all know, but what happened then was shocking. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill, thinking he had expired ate him for lunch. He tasted better than the peanut butter and jelly that mother had packed that morning. Jill claimed insanity and is currently under house arrest in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where everyone lived happily ever after.