TATTOOS MAY ADD YEARS TO LIFE

(Needle Rock, CA) Adorning the body with tattoos may have some positive effects according to a new study just released by the School of Psychometrics at Cal Polygamy. According to clear findings people with tattoos live longer, on average, than people without the designs.

Of the subjects tested back in March of 1925 and again in May of 1926, then interviewed in 1990 and 2006 almost 80% of those who had tattoos are still kicking. Most seem to be sailors, often from merchant marine ships and fishing trawlers.

“There were far more of these old salt types still alive in 1990 than there are in 2006,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, (of the Gladstone Pennywhistles mind you) chair of the department. “We’ll just have to write that off to inflation. The survey does have a built in inaccuracy component of 14% which is a bit high for these kinds of studies.”

The researchers do not yet know what they will do with the findings until all the data can be further scrutinized and be offset with other similar studies. At present neither the FDA or the AMA have endorsed the displaying of tattoos, or even body piercing, despite links to booster shots and the uses of leeches in treatment.

Reaction within the tattoo and body painting community was guarded with advocacy groups insisting tattoos were “never about mortality, and certainly not morality.”

Local parlors report a slight upturn in walk-in traffic but nothing dramatic.

“We always see a lot of new faces around the holidays,” said Syd Fahrdt, owner of Seaweed Tattoo in Delta. “I don’t know what we’re gonna do with all these toothless tattooed living into their Nineties and more. We’re having enough trouble paying out Sociable Security as it is,”

– Small Mouth Bess