All Entries Tagged With: "Zurich"

Feds Raid Dating Service

(Colona) In what was initially perceived to be yet another muscle flexing on the part of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), federal agents ransacked the offices of Wildcat Matchmaking last night seizing laptops, bank records and customer portfolios.

The fledgling business, that ICE insists is front for smuggling as well as massive money laundering, was shuttered immediately and several top executives were taken into custody and will be the subject of intense scrutiny while the meat of the investigation sizzles on the grill. Wildcat opened in April and claimed a rabid customer base of over 20,000.

“We don’t fully comprehend these colossal implications or the magnitude of the confiscations,” said a neighbor. “They seemed like nice enough people although they often blocked my driveway with their pink 1967 Mustang convertible. The billboards and neon were a little much too.”

An overnight ICE raid in Colona has left both citizens and the authorities in shock

No one in Colona admitted to using the service.

“The social life here is off the charts,” said one lifelong resident. “What do we need a matchmaking service for? We’re all already matched, some more than others. They could have been making moonshine, keeping contraband livestock and/or printing counterfeit currency. Nobody knows. Nobody cares.”

The authorities were tight-lipped implying only that jealously controlled Log Hill spice routes and a surge in lucrative weapons sales in the West End could easily start World War III.

“We’re here to put a stop to that,” said an ICE spokesperson.

-Alfalfa Romero

BABY BORN WITH DUCT TAPE

(Montrose) A healthy 10-pound baby boy was born this morning at St Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital here. While that is not so strange in itself, what is baffling scientists has to do with his cargo.

Moments after the delivery, while the medical personnel were busy tidying up…out popped a roll of gray duct tape. First it hit the operating table, then the floor. Everyone stood silent, amazed at witnessing what would certainly be chronicled as medical history.

The parents, Wendel and Suriname Pritchard, of Naturita could not explain the phenomenon either and, overwhelmed by their first child, didn’t seem too upset.

“When my sister-in-law gave birth to a little girl back in 1997 up in Ideeho she got a little bonus too,” smiled Pritchard. “She arrived with a full metric socket set. I guess it just runs in the family.”

Pritchard added that his brother threw the sockets out because they didn’t fit his Ford pickup.

It was not clear what the family would do with the tape but already hundreds of hardware companies have forwarded presents in apprehension of possible endorsements down the road.

– Susie Compost

Squatters Law Exhumed

(Montrose) Western Slope residents planning to leave town this summer are warned that a remote Homestead Era squatter’s rights ordinance is still on the state books. Until the regulation is amended, local law enforcement personnel have no choice but to follow the letter of the 1870s act.

“We will continue to implement procedures for the protection of the innocent,” said a local deputy sheriff who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We don’t like squatters any more than the next guy (does) but we have sworn to uphold the law.”

What this means is that an empty house is a potential haven for the dispossessed. Often this raggedy element will swoop down onto an entire subdivision legitimately occupying private property while the owners are absent. In some cases it can take 90 to 120 days to have the intruders legally removed.

“This is particularly rough on second home owners in resort areas like Telluride and Crested Butte where part-time residents commonly spend as little as two months a year in their sanitized castles, out in the woods, surrounded by state-of-the-art landscaping,” said county extraction agent, Suzie Compost. “Are these people expected to actually live in these trophy homes to prevent their seizure at the hands of roving mobs?”

Civilian patrols, alarm systems, guard dogs and even mine fields have not detoured the squatters who often don’t work or mow their lawns and thus have plenty of time for “impertinent occupations”. One home owner, attempting to ward off trespassers dug a large moat around his property only to be informed that he did not possess ample water rights to fill the thing. Another frustrated summer resident successfully chased a band of gypsies out the front door only to discover a contingent of homeless rabble occupying the kitchen and formal dining room.

“They tore down the curtains to make clothing for their naked offspring, cut down Nepalese saplings for firewood and devastated the liquor cabinet,” said victim Jack Spratt, heir to the Tampax fortune whose 73-room home sits at the top of Edith Bunker Mesa, near prestigious Pandora.

Finally ATF agents raided the place when underage smoking and the presence of unregistered handguns were documented. Spratt estimates the damage to his domicile be in the neighborhood of a tax deductible $3.3 million.

“We’re up against the wall until the legislature overturns this archaic statute,” said the quoted police officer. “Considering the danger maybe they will cancel their next recess and stay home.”

Meanwhile residents are encouraged to keep alert. Interlopers, according to local authorities, know exactly when the home owner is in Disneyville, Branson or on a cruise, and that’s when they pounce.

“If you must leave home for recreation limit outings to day trips or hire an armed house sitter,” continued the deputy. “Otherwise you may end up with some unwanted roommates.”    

–   Gabby Haze

“I’ll have the organic chicken with a Pepsi.”  – actually overheard in a Ridgway eatery in July

Seeing Eye Boy Aids Lassie

(Irwin) Amos Ruthsatten isn’t ducking his responsibility where the well-loved pooch, Lassie, is concerned. The 12-year-old boy has dropped out of junior high school and quit his job at a local florist in order to turn his full attention to a now aging and all but blind Lassie.

Their unique relationship started when Amos’ father, Elroy Ruthsatten, almost squashed the famous TV dog with his backhoe last month.

“It was painfully obvious that Lassie was ready for the great beyond,” said the older Ruthsatten. “She could barely see the nose on her face.”

The younger Ruthsatten took to the blinded dog right off. Without his constant vigil her situation would be worse than hopeless.

When asked how he knew that the elderly collie was in fact the real Lassie of legend and lore Amos answered:

“All one has to do is talk to her. She remembers everything from the TV series in great detail. No other dog could know those things.”    

  – Axtelle LeFevre and Warren Bushings      

Elvis Denier on Ballot in Tennessee

(Memphis) A candidate for state representative here says Elvis is a hoax. Insisting that the legendary singer was a product of the music payola of the 50s, Rudolph Peckerman says the real flesh and blood Elvis was a concoction and that the persona never existed much less performed.

“That hips and hair act was done with mirrors to benefit the kings and queens of the music industry,” said Peckerman. “The real rhythm and blues was generated by Black Americans and this Elvis phenomenon was carefully created to counter perceive threats and jealousies within the white listening audience. It was the Charlie Pride thing only in reverse.”

Whether Peckerman has a chance of winning any votes so near Graceland remains to be seen while insiders question his dismissive, hostile tone taken toward the American icon. Supporters are hoping that their candidate does well with young voters who do not remember Presley. Meanwhile Elvis defenders are standing up at regiment strength. Many want Peckerman deported to Kentucky which is not covered by any of his insurance policies and could bankrupt the disruptive upstart.

“We have footage. We have DNA. We have a birth certificate. We have dental records. We have off-spring,” shot Amanda Highnote, a Presley Museum curator who finds these accusations ridiculous and a bit painful.

“Why can’t these politicians leave well enough alone?” she seethed. “If people want an Elvis they should be able to have one. Faith has nothing to do with this.”

Other Elvis enthusiasts suggested that Peckerman would soon receive a visit from a certain ghost which would set the record straight and knock Peckerman off his high horse before election day. Recent examinations confirm 2016 findings that 99.3% of people in Tennessee and Mississippi believe that Elvis was a real person.

“You can’t get heart and soul like that from digital beeps and sound bytes,” said a DJ from Oxford. “This reeks of thick-headed blasphemy at a time where truth is a second consideration and partisanship rules. We need people who will stand up for what is good about this country. The next thing you know some scalawag will be telling us Johnny Cash was Canadian.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

Russia Raises Vodka Prices

(Rahz Putin) On the heels of trade wars and sanctions The Kremlin has raised the price of the Russian high life, including vodka, the main ingredient in washing it all down.

Jacking up liquor prices is the latest in Moscow’s attempts to manipulate trade balances while controlling chronic alcoholism in the country. Good luck, Ivan! Although no actual numbers were introduced, it is surmised that the cost of a good sloppy drunk has just gone up.

Response from Tarskaya to Volgograd was hostile, especially in wetter quarters where many see vodka drinking as a necessary means to survive the harsh, gray winters. No one is beyond suspicion and vodkas distilled in other countries is expected to be hardest hit by the realignment.

The Russian government insured the populace that the problem had grown to crisis proportions and warned that if the people did not police themselves vodka distilleries would be destroyed and the fermentation of the intoxicant would be deemed illegal. Russian Prohibition? A field day for the crime syndicates would certainly follow.

“So what?” puffed Yuri Screwthecapov, in response to the official threat. “Most of what my friends and I drink is bootleg anyway. That stuff the government makes tastes like bark and old socks, though I must admit it carries quite a punch on an empty stomach.”

Opposition leaders were quick to jump on the move saying that it could lead to unrest at a particularly precarious time. Some say it is the final prelude to civil war in the former Soviet nation. Although prices have varied over the past decade they have remained stable, even lower, so far this year encouraging people to stock up on the drink at the expense of such items as meat, heating oil and baby formula.

“One must have priorities and stick to them,” stressed one imbiber.

Often made from potatoes and/or grain, Russian vodka is considered some of the best on the planet. Since 1917 leaders have viewed vodka, like Cuban rum, as a control mechanism although they knew the population was becoming addicted. Absenteeism at work and poor production were the first symptoms of the failed state methods.

“The concept of drinking responsibly has never been embraced, at least by the great unwashed here,” said Mikhail Kalashnikov, sipping a fine potato concoction with a plate of sturgeon in sour cream, across from the Kremlin. “Even in arctic weather we Russians prefer it straight and ice cold.”

Public apprehension that the government does not care about them continues to plague information offices and the enforcement of most laws in Russia. Years of totalitarian rule have left the populace lethargic and without direction…two social elements that have led to this threatening state of affairs. Termination drugs such as crack and meth have made little inroad due to the ritual abuse and hackled popularity of vodka.

“Those drugs are reserved for the Free World democracies,” explained a source.

The announcement comes at a particularly crucial time amid Russia’s attempts to placate the West while solidifying what is left of the former empire.

Once again the questions as to the sovereignty of Alaska have surfaced stirring and angry pot on the Bering Strait. For over a century, 151 years to be exact, the United States and its citizens have been under the assumption that they had purchased Alaska outright in 1867. Now, according to a yellowed copy of a Russian deed (the original was buried with none other than Gregori Rasputin in 1916) it appears that the 586,412 square miles was only leased for 150 years.

“The document looks real enough,” said a Danish negotiator, who is currently attempting to persuade the Trump Administration to purchase Greenland. “It is signed by William H. Seward and Alexander II.  If the U.S. had only filed the receipt we could settle this whole mess over a glass of vodka.”

While leaders in the US say the claim is a sham, insiders say Russian troops and tanks have been moving into Western Siberia since Saturday. Whether these soldiers brought enough vodka with them to sustain an invasion is not known. The experts doubt it.

The standoff, in a nutshell, comes down to this: Russia has filed a foreclosure notice on Alaska demanding that the current residents vacate the premises by 2025. The United States has pledged to defend the region which it insists was purchase for $7,200,000 (2-cents per acre) from the czarist government. It could get all too nuclear.

“Who in their right mind would sell land so cheap?” asked Vladimir Putin, current Russian leader and former director of the KGB. “The lease was some crazy Czar thing aimed at raising money to clean up his mess after the Crimean War. You don’t see deals like that, even in the current market.”

Newspaper reports that the former Bolshevik rulers plan to foreclose on the Alaska “loan” don’t help matters either.

Meanwhile Alaskans wait hoping that the whole matter will be forgotten. Some are concerned that they will have to make a choice between a new life in another Siberia or a return to the lower 48. Others have already begun studying their Russian dictionaries. Most are stockpiling ammunition.

One red-nosed man may have said it all when asked what was his greatest concern:

“If Russia takes Alaska back will we have to pay more for vodka too?” he asked.

– Fred Zeppelin