HUNTING HIGHLIGHTS

with Sir Otis of Liver

McDonald, Wendy, Burger King Among Missing in West Elks

(Baldwin) A slew of fast food giants, including Ronald McDonald himself, are still missing in the West Elk Wilderness despite a massive manhunt conducted by local grease gourmets. According to close friends in Montrose the three left that city on Monday intent on setting up a hunting camp prior to opening day. When Wendy failed to return on Thursday to work her regular shift employees called the police.

“There are a lot of very bad people out there who would like to see harm come to brave hype-cartoons like these three,” said an animated window washer over at Kentucky Fried Chicken. “Sure we are in competition but we still respect each other “somewhat”.

One clerk at Taco Bell echoed similar remarks.

“We’ve always had a good working relationship with the other fast food pimps here in the United States and in Grand Junction,” she quipped, “even though Wendy is a pathetic slut and the Burger King is a drunk.”

Meanwhile police express hope as the three are experienced sportsmen.

“We found a clump of red clown hair strung to a small shrub near Coffeepot Creek late last night,” said one searcher. “We don’t know yet if that was meant as some sort of sign or if McDonald was engaged in a struggle.”

The West Elk Wilderness is home to an estimated 2500 hungry black bear who are prone to eat almost anything.

“We sincerely hope the three missing hunters don’t end up as lunch for some fury beast, but that would be ironic, wouldn’t it?” he offered.

DOW BANS BAGPIPES

(Almont) The Colorado Division of Wildlife has outlawed the use of bagpipes in the woods this year due to what it calls an unfair advantage to elk hunters. Saying that the wapiti cannot resist the sounds of the ancient Celtic instruments, DOW officials have threatened to confiscate hunting licenses and fine guilty parties in this regard. Although the practice of calling elk with bagpipes has not become chronic in Colorado, the herd wardens fear that the problem could burgeon overnight and threaten the relative safety of the state’s herds.

This is the second time in as many years that the DOW has stepped in to prohibit questionable symphonic hunting techniques, having banned the use of assault kazoos over 8,000 feet in 2012.

Jones to replace Jackson on $20 bill

(Denver) Labor organizer and “miner’s angel” Mary Harris “Mother” Jones will replace former President Andrew Jackson on the twenty-dollar bill in January. According to sources at the Denver Mint, the decision came down after reviewing the lives and times of both celebrities.

Andrew Jackson was a major voice in the forced removal of more than ten Native American tribes from ancestral homelands, was strong proponent of slavery and a frontline warrior for Manifest Destiny, a philosophy saying white America had the divine right to govern most of North America.

He was a real estate broker with a pistol and canon. One major accomplishment, the “Trail of Tears” in which 40,000 Cherokee perished, set in motion a system of ethnic cleansing extending to Creeks, Choctaw and Seminole. It was simple: he would drive the tribes from their land and buy it for the expanding United States, taking his lucrative commission along the way. He appeared briefly on the Confederate $1000 bill.

Mother Jones, largely affiliated with the United Mine Workers Union, was born in Cork County Ireland. She spent the best part of her life combating child labor practices and raising hell for the rights of workers in Colorado and other Western states.

She was often denounced on the floor of the Senate by anti-labor sentiment as “the grandmother of all agitators”, a title she heartily enjoyed.

In the American Songbook Carl Sandburg suggests that “She’ll be comin’ ‘round the mountain when she comes” refers to Jones and her travels in the Appalachian coal camps to promote the unionization of miners.

Noted critics of the move, still stinging from a decision to change the name of Ronald Regan Washington National Airport to Bob Marley International Airport in April, say it is just a blatant liberal housecleaning and one more example of creeping socialism in this country.

Proponents argue that Jones symbolizes the principles of freedom and democracy by defending the rights of workers while Jackson distorts these truths, displaying the greed and racism that swaggered and sashayed along the Frontier in the 1800s.

The new bills are set for release in early 2011. More on this after we milk the cows, feed the chickens, stable the horses and paint the barn. – H. L. Menoken

Kinickin Man Creates Gettysburg Replica in Spuds

(Montrose) Melvin Toole had little to do after retiring from Colona Brothers Slaughterhouse in 1991. However, after visiting several Civil War battlegrounds the following summer, he stumbled onto an appropriate project that would keep him busy for many winters to come.

He would recreate the Battle of Gettysburg entirely out of mashed potatoes.

The replica would be in full color and to scale, with moving parts, authentic weaponry, uniforms and structures.

“The first thing I had to do was figure out where to buy the materials, you know, lots of potatoes, butter and milk,” said Toole. “Then I spent months covering the Western Slope in search of a giant mixing device.”

After a rather expensive search (Toole drinks) he found a large concrete blender at an abandoned amalgamation resource just outside of Maybell, in Northwest Colorado. The giant device, once used to churn out time-release blacktop for the Division of Transportation, would be perfect. He hauled the thing home with his diesel-powered 1945 Henway, pulled by over 400 llamas.

After talking to local agricultural co-ops Toole secured the rights to latter day potato crops, mutant wall flower cream supplies and truckloads of unused butter and margarine samples from local restaurants. He was ready to go.

“In order to maintain an air of authenticity I had predetermined that I would use grits in the Confederate mixture,” said Toole, “but then I found out that the Rebel troops under General Robert E. Lee had run out of that staple while crossing the Piedmont Plateau.” (Historical note: Here Toole is full of horse cookies. Actually most of the grit-weary troops were anxious to get up into Pennsylvania for a nice, homestyle breakfast where the corn byproduct was not served).

“Having secured the raw materials I now faced a potential engineering nightmare: How would I create the topography common to hilly South Central Pennsylvania when all I had was mountain spuds from Idaho and Colorado? Oddly enough the answer came easy. I simply added a little less butter to the recipe and flattened out about 35 tons of the mixture onto a piece of waferboard. Then, allowing it to be exposed to the elements overnight, I discarded the board and sat back in awe of my landscape.”

Building the weapons of the day from often whipped potatoes took some time but Toole went about the task with a painstaking eye for detail. At first the muzzles of the canon drooped so he shortened them a bit. Then the wheels on the artillery would not turn properly so he added skimmed milk and a bit of ground basil. The canon balls were the easiest part.

“I just rolled them in gravy and they flew through the air like the real thing,” Toole beamed. “Troops on both sides would have been surprised as one of my spud missiles could easily devastate an ammunition dump or scattered contingents of cavalry.”

In order to keep mashed potatoes earmarked for infantry separate from spuds reserved for, say, hospital corpsman or ordinance battalions, Toole used sophisticated methods of identification.

“Sometimes I added paprika or oregano to certain forces while I relied on my nose to pick out the defenders laced with garlic cloves or white pepper. In keeping with regional cuisine, I always used cayenne on the Southern troops and rosemary on the Union assemblage,” he explained.

“Probably the hardest work came when I started to paint each individual combatant, you know, the blue and the gray,” he mused. “I recall one frightening moment as I reached the final stages of painting soldiers engaged in the famous George E. Pickett’s Charge and I had run out of real milk and had to rely on the powdered variety. At the time I worried that someone would dispute the accuracy of my effort but no one seems to have noticed.”

Toole’s massive creation will be on display at the Montrose Regional Airport through the 2020.

Ready for winter?

Ready for winter?

BLUE MESA DRAINED FOR ELK SEASON

(Sapinero) Anglers and fish are reminded that the state of Colorado will once again drain Blue Mesa Reservoir for elk hunting season. According to a top secret Division of Wildlife transmission, intercepted by gorillas hiding in the green, misty mountains, the monkey business will begin October 2 and continue until all the water has been removed.

Another gov’ment brochure entitled When Fish Go to the Beach highlights plans to return the water in April or May.

“During the winter we plan to lease the water to California for a tidy profit,” said R. Melvin Toolini, architect and primate investor of the baboonish operation.

Sailors, water skiers and anyone with a line in the water is cautioned not to overstay their welcome at the popular lake. Fish, who generally handle the draining without incident are asked to have their belongings packed for the traditional trek up to Lake San Cristobal for hibernation.

Baseball belongs in the sunshine

OBITUARY: Major League Baseball. Died Oct. 29. Graveside services. Wake of American tradition, at Cooperstown, N.Y. Survivors include pro football, pro basketball, pro hockey and pro bingo. All are getting old.

Ice hockey isn’t played out in the sun. Basketball courts are abandoned in the rain. Nobody plays tennis in the wind. Why do they play the World Series in the dark, out in the cold, when all good little boys and girls should be fast asleep?

Perhaps it was the repetitious beer commercials aimed at 14 year olds that upset my sense of authenticity. Maybe it was the announcers who, sentenced to childhood in right field because they couldn’t catch a fly, wanted their big-shot day in the limelight. Nope.

It’s the dollar-bill mentality that dictates that games would be played at night instead of out in the luxurious October sunshine.

In B-grade Saturday morning Westerns, even the lowest cowpuncher knew that Indians never fought at night. Neither did the gladiators in Rome. Even Eisenhower waited until daylight to launch the Normandy Invasion.

Baseball should be a game for kids and the World Series, of all sporting events, should be played in the daytime. (Theme music: Gillette Blue Blades, I mean) If the sport truly seeks credibility it must turn away from commercialism.

Why must young baseball fans be faced with staying up past midnight to watch their teams wander into the extra innings? What about some of the rookies? Should they have to ride the bench, yawning, while the contests are concluded?

Things would certainly have been different if the World Series was played at night in the 50s. Two of the principals, Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin, might have missed all the games due to their much-maligned social agenda.

In addition, what would radio broadcasters like Wait Hoyt and Rosey Rosewell have done with all their idle day time? What about Pirate great Bill Mazeroski? Would he have stayed up late enough to take his famous series-ending poke back in 1960?

I remember back then, when the Yankees and Dodgers dominated the post-season play. Of course, in those days, if a team won its division it went to the World Series and was not forced to test its mettle against also-rans in continuous five-or-seven-game fiascoes. In those days, kids would skip school to watch the games and their parents generally turned their heads.

In the workplace, especially in the competing cities, there would be lucrative office pools and little or no work going on. New York and Los Angeles, the largest cities in the country, were at a virtual standstill in 1962. That’s the real country talking. Ain’t it grand!

Worker morale was at its highest, as it was considered patriotic to blow off work and gather around the radio or the color television to catch the action.

Dammit, baseball belongs out in the sunshine, not lurking around in the evening shadows of someone’s prime time.

In 1934, Joe “Ducky” Medwick was pelted with garbage as he attempted to play left field during the autumn classic. Rude as it may have been, it was probably great fun for the Detroit fans, who watched their team go down to defeat.

Ask yourself: If the game would have been played at night, would the Detroit faithful actually have bounced their trash off Medwick? How could they be sure it was him in the dark. Baseball would have been deprived another joyous outing, even though Medwick might have felt quite differently.

In that same series, Dizzy and Paul Dean, pitching in the sunlight, were all but untouchable. Do you think the Tigers would have done better in the dark? It’s doubtful whether any of the American Leaguers would have even detected the cowhide passing over the plate. At least the Deans, pitching in the afternoon gave the hitters a shot at it all.

In 1961, Cincinnati third baseman Gene Freese lost a foul ball in the sun. It would have been the third out, but instead the powerful Yankees capitalized on his misadventure and scored seven runs, which turned the Series around.

The Yankees went on to win in five games. In 1995, would Braves fans be so quick to engage in their mindless chop chants right out in the light where everyone could see them? We think not.

Back before TV ratings dominated baseball tradition we can imagine the American family gathering around the dinner table talking about that afternoon’s game. Today the broadcast often interrupts dinner entirely. In addition, the World Series gave the unemployed something to do during those difficult hours of reflection, and was found to provide a positive distraction from the morbid soaps, the noisy, carrot and stick game shows and the few idiot talk shows that had begun to surface.

What about crime? Even a fool can see that a fan is more likely to get mugged outside Jacob’s Field or Fulton County Stadium at 11 than at 6.

Is this crisis covered by the designated hitter clause? And if this reality isn’t frightening enough, consider that the rosin bag gets soggy at night and the UV rays from the stadium lights are harmful to one’s health.

Let’s blame Ted Turner. He’s the guy who brought the national sport to its knees by providing the massive Brave money dosages on the tube. There is no doubt he wanted the games on at night due to the ad revenues and due to the likelihood that his former wife, Jane, wanted to free up her days to hit the malls in Cleveland or Baltimore, shopping meccas to be sure.

Maybe we need government intervention, but the GOP says there are too many lefties on the mound and the Democrats seem  frightened to go out into right field after dark. What about presenting the World Series in the daytime, interspersed with the McNeil-Lerner Report?

In closing, Astroturf, domes and batting gloves suck too.

-Kevin Haley