All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

Answers to Spring IQ Test

1. If you said “the wrong way around” was the only safe route to Point B, give yourself one point. If you said “Point B was not really worth the trip”, give yourself two points.
2. The correct answer was “a dog and two birds”. Other acceptable responses include: 1. Mount Whitney 2. rice curds all around 3. The Hangman of Babylon 4. [42] x pr@yx-[24] 5. May 4, 1691 6. sort of greenish or anything written in French. Give yourself 1 point.
3. Only if the electrician’s assistant leaves the building by the third floor west parking loft, north window and if he/she avoids every third step down the false fire escape on the way to the bottom can he expect to survive through the weekend. Worth 3 points.
4. The answer to this one is “the train arrives at 4:31 am. (Participants must show work on this one…although it doesn’t matter to whom one shows said labor.) Worth 2 points on Tuesdays.
5. Either the Crimean War or the Rose Bowl Parade. 1 point.
6. The correct response was 12 but if you submitted any number between 8 and 57 you are all right. (2 points). In fact, any number below 150 gains one point. OK with 150. We might accept any number except 666, which is the work of the devil, and 33, which is the work of an idiot. Bonus point for the trouble.
7. The problem with our society is ignorance and apathy. The proper response is “I don’t know”. If the tested added “and I don’t care” give yourself 4 points.
8. Follow your heart down the drain. 2 points.
9. The red star is under the third cup and the monkey has his hand on your wallet. Close one eye and share the bananas. 2 points. Note: Red stars may appear as black chickens or staple guns in Canada.
10. Trick question: Was Calvin Coolidge ever caught dressing up like a giraffe? One point.
SCORING: If you scored below zero you are a moron but one that can achieve success in mass merchandising. If you scored 1 – 3, you are of average intelligence, which can be quite frightening in the warm-blooded sector. If you scored 4 – 7, you are above average, which guarantees nothing. After all the average American can name all of the contestants on American Idol but cannot spell the name of the current president of Iran, Iraq, India, Pakistan or Yemen. If you scored higher than 10 you are a cheater and should seriously consider running for public office.

Toole Kicked Upstairs

(Washington) Longtime associate editor at the San Juan Horseshoe, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole, was promoted Thursday although close friends say even he “can read between the lines” as to the paper’s intentions.

Toole himself had little coherent comment. He is supposedly overwhelmed with mindless and unnecessary administrative duties and cannot be contacted for comment.

“Getting kicked upstairs is better than downstairs,” laughed Toole, gesturing toward his groin area, as rabid supporters rallied in the streets below his once lavish, now all but abandoned balcony.

A former high wire legend, the scribe, who once toured with he famous Flying Farcheezies, has a chronic fear of heights, and did not appear on his familiar 14th story precipice. In a letter smuggled out of Horseshoe offices in a baby carriage Toole, 101, said the he sees his reassignment to a 16th story cubby hole as harsh and punitive.

“They are virtually trying to force my retirement but I still have a few good years left,” he whined. “Who will refill the water cooler and keep lead in the electric pencils when I am gone?” he lamented. “Who will call out for Chinese food and write irrelevant quotes on the bathroom walls? Who will decide which cartoons to watch on Saturday mornings?”

Refusing to be driven out of journalism but sitting glumly at his antique waterboard desk Toole said of his superiors: “First I got the cold shoulder then the lukewarm stares, then the pointy-boot.”

The restructuring comes at a difficult time for the newspaper which has just received news that it will be banned from reporting politics here until things warm up.

“That leaves dog shows and county fairs,” said one former proof-reader. “That’s not the stuff of greatness,” she said.

– Billy Mosca

Declan’s first baseball game!

Three generations of baseball fans: Kevin, Kyle and Declan Haley enjoyed a 23-5 route of the New York Mets by the Washngton Nationals on April 30

Bering Straight Bridge Scrapped

(Basura de Blanco, AK — Murdoch’s Spill — May 2016)

One of the last legacies of former Governor Sarah Palin, for years relentlessly squashed by the Obama Administration, has mercifully been put to rest. The proposed toll bridge over the Bering Straight has been defunded.

The suspension structure was supposed to have connected the Chukchi Peninsula to the Seward Peninsula about 100 miles south of the Arctic Circle. The cost was estimated to be over $140 million and the construction was to employ most of Palin’s extended dysfunctional redneck family.

Progress studies soon proved that the amount of travel between the two spots would never recover the investment “in a million years”, factoring in a possible spike in population, dire global warming and the discovery of gold in both of these locales,” said one Treasury official on the scene.

Palin was recently in the headlines after a dinner with Donald Trump and her hands-on familiarity with domestic violence. She did not return our phone calls Thursday.

“We’d be far better off building a bridge between New York and Moscow and putting the entire Palin clan in jail,” said the official.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“When she said “I hate your hair, not referring to the color or the style or even the texture but to each individual follicle, I knew the gig was up.”
– Melvin O’Toole, lamenting on lost romance.

Smartest Sheep by State

1. Wyoming
2. Colorado
3. Utah
4. Montana
5. Nevada
6. New Mexico
7. Idaho

Source: Mutton on My Mind
By MacGregor the Bridge Builder,
Watergate Press, Santa Fe, NM.

TOOLE TURNS COUNTRY

by Princess Irm Peawit, Music Editor

(Nashville) A man who made millions penning revolutionary songs in the Sixties has turned his attention to the country and western scene. Melvin Toole, a former street musician and experimental percussion protege for such standouts as The Monkeys, Donnie Osmond, Tom Jones, Charley Pride and the late Lou Reed, has finally arrived.

Leaning heavily on heart-wrenching lyrics and repetitious, pounding twang, Toole has captured the hearts of country and western fans from Branson to Bemidji. His overnight success has startled the music world and left other, less responsive writers in the dust.

The diamond-studded cowpuncher, who will be appearing at Roscoe’s Gumbo Shack this weekend, is known for such classics as Okie from Muskogee, Will the Circle Be Unbroken, Coal Miner’s Daughter and I Walk the Line. Intertwined with old favorites will be selections from his newest compact disk entitled Thank You Jesus For Driving Her Out of Town, which is now available on the Testosterone Brothers label.

Check out these lyrics from the title song: My honey done left and I can’t get it right, She once held the candle and now it’s a knife. I’m eating the day and drinking in the night, still casting away but I can’t get a bite.

Note the impeccable rhyme sequence in the second line. It reminds one of Toole’s earlier accomplishments in the classic Amazin’ Grace, which he wrote on the back of a discarded seed catalog he found in a dumpster in 1979:

Amazin Grace, how sweet though art, I’d have fought with Robert E. Lee. I once was lost but now I’m found. I was blind but now I see. Incredible! Toole blends the enlightened jolts from his own spiritual roller coaster with a fine appreciation for seizing psychotic parameter and his willingness to keep fighting the Civil War. Since creating the song Toole has pocketed millions awarded in law suits against mortuaries and private individuals for unapproved use of the piece at funerals, and in rare cases, at weddings and barmitzvahs.

Toole with his drummer, Tokyo Jose on the South Platte in 1990.

His pop, cash generating hit If You’re Really Leavin’ At Least Your Momma Won’t Be Hangin’ Around My Double Wide No Mo’ is a weak attempt at humor amidst the pain of separation from his accountant while out on the road.

In an early version of his top selling album Nashville Skyline Toole seduces his audience with lines like: Lay lady lay, lay across my big brass bed. Lay lady lay, stay while the blight is still ahead. His mind is dirty but his hands are clean and you’re the only thing he’s ever seen. Wow! Toole’s images grab epic helping of pathos and the constant frustrations of the jerkwater male in the 21st Century.

In addition to writing soul searching lines Toole has also managed to make his mark in literature turning prose into poetry and poetry into a quintessential tour de force unequaled by all others with the possible exception of Hank Williams and Johnny Paycheck. His recently completed play, called Hamlet is expected to be yet another box office smash. (It opens under the stars at Pea Green Constabulary in August).

Often beginning his concerts with the ever-popular Stand By Your Man, Toole usually picks a young woman from the audience to help him with the rendition. In fact, if Toole would simply have avoided young women from the start he might be able to pay his electric bill today. But what does it matter in retrospect?

Some surprises: If this press release is correct Toole will be unveiling a new songs such as: If the Lord Done Forgive You, I Guess It’s All Right By Me, Porcelain Wall Flower, Ruby, Ruby Ridge and I Really Want To Punch Out That Feller By the Jukebox.

Known for lengthy performances Toole’s most recent public appearance lasted over 24 hours which still breaks down to about five dollars per hour at the current ticket rate. In the event of a sellout Toole has promised, in the fine tradition of George Jones and Jerry Jeff Walker, not to show up at all. Enjoy the show.

We’ll leave you with yet another barrage of clever lyrics penned by a man who has seen the penthouse and the gutter often within a time span of minutes. It’s called I’m On the Choppin’ Block With You:

Your corrugated lips,
those over-rated hips,
Your face in the morning dew,
I should have seen you comin’,
Honey, I’m on the choppin block with you.

Those late nights at the slaughterhouse,
You think I had no clue,
Too bad you’re still in high school,
I’m on the choppin’ block with you.

Fallen angels through the smokescreen
Vegematic rendezvous
Your dog may have the mange
Of all the vegetables I chose you.

The day we met we parted
As you stirred your magic slew
Just stop what you got started
Before my toes turn blue.
Honey, I’m right here on the choppin’ block with you.