All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Christmas Astro-Graph
Attention star gazers: When ordering from the following menu do so only by the adjoining number. Parties of more than one will be charged a 20% gratuity after digestion. If you are one of those people who actually believes that another mortal can actually dispense advice based on shuffling cards, reading tarots or throwing tea leaves up into the air we would like to talk to you about how you can achieve financial and political security just by letting us use your credit card. The following is just as valid as all the other astrological crap lines and it’s free.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Valuable knowledge acquired this morning may help you find your car tomorrow afternoon. Keep one eye on the hour glass and the other on your squirt gun. Hire a surrogate worrier and get on with the party. Turning a deaf ear to bothersome elves may result in blows below the belt. Jack Iron at twenty paces! Slide. Be happy that nobody is really paying attention. You may become a source of amusement to sanitation engineers in the wee hours. Tonight: Dilly dally.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Conditions in general could remain quite general through the 29th. You are far too impressed by lunch counter Santas and arch-angels in car washes. Stick to decorating your cave. Going in circles is a valid direction. Look at the planets. Don’t worry about the future. The gov’ment will feed you. Textbook descriptions fail in the light of a damaged attention span. Your business cents could net dollar signs in 2018. Define all goals before abandoning them. Tonight: Find a couch.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
They say that everyone is good at something. What did you say you do for a living? That’s interesting. Is it legal? Conclusions may carry the heavy weight of finality in the mid-afternoon. Your game plan is solid: It’s just out of chips. You are highly motivated to do nothing. Previous experiences sleeping in your car may come in handy but always factor in the temperatures in December. Yeah, we know. It wasn’t your fault. The world is screwed up. Tonight: Sneak in the back door.
PISCES (February 20 – March 20)
Congratulations! Today is official Junk Day. It’s the day that you get to hang around with old things. Maybe it’s a person, maybe an attic. Either way, call in sick. Dress comfortably and surround yourself with junk. Why not? Are you gonna miss something important like the TV news? Focus on doing nice things for others and your problems will melt away to nothing. The chances of waking up healthy tomorrow are very good. Celebrate. Tonight: A close friend will get you off the hook.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Your life is beginning to resemble the 1956 Republican Presidential Convention on black and white TV with all those delegates in straw hats carrying I Like Ike signs. Richard Nixon is there too. Maybe it’s time to switch opiate-based perfumes or after shaves. Contrary to logic your personal star is on the rise. Hold on for the ride of your life. Go ahead, throw in the towel. You can always drip-dry. Put a lid on handy-man foul ups by taking an extended nap. Tonight: Sleep through it.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Asinine is and shall be your calling card. Money is only temporary. It’s credit cards and checks that are eternal. Mercury, the planet of communication, is about to launch a windy monologue. Find something to do outside of your sphere of affluence. Chafing at the bit is good for the digestive system. Intangible prospects will come into full view by Christmas. While somewhat innovative, there is no particular advantage to tapping your hands and wringing your feet. Tonight: Refreshment is a state of mind.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Making jello should not require artillery strikes. The transits of Pluto and Neptune will leave mounds of fresh manure at the barn door. What could it mean? You know you have to take them out for a walk in the morning but what would you wear? Atone for your previous sins through moments of emotional starvation. Never eat the last cupcake. Go eyeball to eyeball with house plants. You are your own Christmas Tree! Your fly is open. Tonight: Leftover rhetoric.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Your outfit is hypnotizing, especially the crystals, sparkles and moon boots. Ruling planets have requested that you take a substantial pay cut after the holidays. Go ahead…retreat back into your hermit’s cave but don’t forget to budget for cable. Considering your income you cannot afford the luxury of a prestigious mental illness and should simply settle for being comfortably crazy. Insignificance is it’s own reward. Tonight: A break from canned food.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
So you think you’re a candidate for the king/queen of the jungle. Where is your paperwork? Who did you pay off? Let’s hear your best roar! We’ll be in touch by the end of the week. Inability to trust others could be your finest asset. Benevolent mice pulling thorns from the feet of lions is a lot for cynical Leos to swallow. Dream your cat dreams in white sands by the beautiful sea. If you are invited to the spider’s house for dinner expect to eat fly stew. Tonight: Play a backseat roll, knickers up!
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Behind the facade of sub-par human intelligence lurks an ugly step-child. Don’t fret. There are plenty of round holes for square pegs to fill. Cogs in the machine are always better than frogs in the latrine. There is honor in solitude but drinking alone is still a no-no in polite society. You have the celestial body of a late model Plymouth. Avoid military incursions that involve your body. Stay clandestine but make sure you polish those combat boots. Tonight: A message from the heavens on laundry detergents.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Street sense don’t mean a thing on a far off asteroid. The very thought of a fiery comet crashing heartlessly into the mother earth is somewhat upsetting to you. Today is perfect for Christmas shoplifting. Rely on the courage of your convictions, at least the ones classified as misdemeanors. Distance yourself from nuclear waste. Your holiday fruitcake could be at risk. Counseling is a possibility. That big red nose will make it difficult to get away with little white lies through the 25th. Tonight: Add bleach.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 24)
Life is only a phase. Go ahead: Buckle under pressure. Your magnetic personality could leave you stuck to a tin building by January. Fantasy and reality blend well with rum and coconuts. Use your descriptive adjectives now or face angry participles later on in the day. Why would a lover expect you to make a commitment when you won’t even make the bed? You may just as well get used to the Christmas season. It will be here for a while. Tonight: Don’t count your chickens before the cows come home to roost.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist
Trumpty Dumpty’s great fall
Tweets emanating from the White House strongly suggest that President Trump is “acutely put off” by Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ contract do Kentucky Fried Chicken ads in Georgia and Alabama in 2018. Remaining defiant in the eye of the hurricane, the Jiminy Cricket of the judicial wing “has dug in his heels on this one”, according to unreliable sources in the Oval Office. Both men served under the original Colonel Sanders in the Homeric wars long before your Aunt Bob and Uncle Mary were born.
In a related incident, Kelly Ann Conway would make a wonderful opiate czarina according to Betsy DeVos the perky yet ill-equipped Education Czarina.
Fellow students remember DeVos as not bright enough to remember her locker number, much less the combination of same. Sometimes she showed up at the wrong school altogether due to “the multitude of buses going by every morning”. Despite these embarrassing setbacks, Betsy became president of the Daughters of Religious Intolerance and was an alternate cheerleader.
Both women have been unfairly called petty and mindless, even by fellow Republicans, but they are loyal Trumpettes.
Meanwhile Conway continues to argue vehemently that 45’s hair is his own while the world floods, burns and gets nuclear. When asked by reporters if she wore a hair piece, she stormed from the room and has barricaded herself (along with Sarah Huckabee Sanders and DeVos) in the Oval Office with only Russian caviar and holy water (Russian vodka) to sustain them until the weekend. Talk about patriots!
For more please turn to:
Trump May Move US Capitol Off-Shore
– Johnny Cake Jr.
YULETIDE ROCK SOUP
Needed: Progressive translator for potential cowboy-new age business arrangement. Must speak both languages clearly and distinctly to avoid miscalculations down the dirt road. Grasp of local geography and cattle futures helpful. Limo provided. Far Out Ranch, Ridgway
Many small town newspapers are searching for verbs and adjectives to use in news and feature stories in 2018. They will pay CASH for just the right participles and rare to semi-rare pronouns. Sorry, no adverbs this year. If you wish to part out your collection kindly contact Mr. Picayune at the Wimpton Holiday Inn between 10 am and 3 pm Tuesdays through January. Hong Kong Word Brokerage, Tacoma, WA.
Are you having trouble competing with television for the attention of your children? We will surgically remove up to three televisions from your home for one low introductory price! If this doesn’t solve the problem in three short weeks we will replace the tubes and remove you and the other alleged, significant adults from the premises. We mean business. Expanded Definition Pest Control. Offices in the West Colona Reactionary Sector.
Semi- Responsible college student needs nice car to drive to school. If it’s a nice enough car I’ll quit school, get a job and buy the vehicle since the only reason I am going to school is to graduate, get a job and buy a nice car. Get it? Please help me since I am not able to get this whole thing off the ground. Muriel, Body Chemistry Dept., Western State University.
Will trade cooler of small mouth bass for blueprinted small block 6 Chevy engine. Sorry our Fords for trout offer is no longer good west of the Divide. Sapinero Sally under the Lake City Bridge.
1995 Cadillac Seville convertible. 5000 original miles. White walls all around. Plush leather seats, top-of-the-line stereo, fuzz buster, wet bar, privacy window, tinted glass, custom paint, new top. It’s not for sale. I just wanted to see what this description looked like in print.
Why spend all your cash on ugly, new snow tires? Drive on our reconditioned bald tires and look forward to a much more exciting winter. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.
Teach your kids to excel in the classroom through shock therapy. Dial 5995.
Will invest your Social Security in the private sector and pay you the going interest rate every quarter. Still a believer in trickle down theories without a safety net? Too good to be true. See Mr. Ryan at McConnell’s Funeral Home. December special: Will tear down your house of sicks and split the lumber 50 – 50.
Still Need: Full-figured man or woman to deliver coffee and donuts to construction sites and deliver newspapers and magazines to thin, chronic recluses all over the region. Jolly Enterprises, Pitkin Lunch Counter.
Attention Ranchers: Are deer and elk eating your hay? I will shoot them for you any weekday morning through February 15. It is at that time that I will leave the Gunnison Valley for the spring eagle hunt in Vernal. L. Vernon Gleason, Mack.
Expert lawn mowing. Buzzes, spikes, crew cuts, flat tops and cranial shaves our specialty. And for those longer cuts call Peggy Sue on the solar riding mower. 1/2 price offer no longer good in Cahone and Egnar. We think you know why. Remember: When it’s snowing the price goes up. Offices in Crested Butte and Maybell.
Learn the ancient art of pick pocketing before the busy holiday season arrives. Earn extra Christmas money the old fashioned way…one pocket at a time. Bonded. In-call only. Alternative Lifestyle Survival Inc., Cellblock #889, Canon City, CO. An equal opportunity deployer.
Cheap hoods, out of work thugs, gang members needed for personal delivery of flowers now through Valentine’s Day. Cash paid daily. Intimidation Floral in Pueblo and Trinidad.
Commoners needed to experience the painful symptoms of colds and flu so that visiting celebrities do not have to. Post nausea counseling a distinct possibility. Also: Ride needed to Mao Clinic on December 24. Physicians Exchange in Saudi Aurora.
Will trade two tickets to the Congressional Budget Balancing Ball for a full-time job. Maurice Dolt, Moline Ironworks.
At a loss when it comes to the perfect Christmas gift for your crabby boss or romantic rival? Buy them a fully sheer, cotton-lined, solar-powered underwear tightener. Then just rest easy. One size fits all. They’ll get the message. Mel’s Underwear Tightening and Birth Control Recuperation Devices, Wimpton, CO.
Will stud tires, fix pets, administer hormone shots, weld relationships, ferment perfume. overcharge for tire chains, harass fur wearers, break horses, lie to creditors. Retainer only. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.
Need to leave town quickly? Let us cover for you. Professional movers, Discreet. Reasonably bonded. Overnight services our specialty. Bail Out Brokers. Offices in Aspen and Telluride. Coming soon to Crested Butte.
Got popcorn balls for Christmas? Call St. Roscoe’s for personal consultation. Medicare in the form of cash cheerfully accepted.
Kittens for Christmas! Really nice cats. $400 firm. We don’t have to tell you that the price will go up after the holidays. Also for sale this Saturday only: Dirty, wet newspapers: $120 per pound; Earwig-infested green, camouflage army tarp: $300 or best offer; filthy old vacuum cleaner bags (filled): $650 per truckload; Severely mildewed blankets and baby clothing: Starting at $200; Cracked waferboard: $50. Free refreshments with any purchase. No snails before 9 am. 2266773986655 Road, Montrose. Cash only. No Czechs.
The ultimate Christmas gift idea! Jed’s Talking Cereal Box! Works great if you need a little paltry chatter first thing in the morning. Great assortment of non-confrontational tapes available. Handles verbal abuse well and gets along with other cereal boxes, even the pancake mix! Sybil, Box 4999, Horseshoe.
Lost: Pair of rather expensive snowmobile boots at the Old St. Lazare Station last month. Of intrinsic value. If found please call Claude Monet. Reward pending.
Handsome, ambidextrous bagpiper will skirl a tune for weddings, funerals, graduations, mud wrestling competitions, breakfast meetings, interrogations, alcohol seminars, brandings, shopping sprees, tree planting, extra-marital affairs, forced marches, military interventions, homecomings, banishments, Muslim holy days, bachelor parties, slalom and giant slalom events, book burnings, race riots, horse races, hangings, exorcisms, engine overhauls, final exams, tooth extractions, instinctual migrations, general wanderlust. Look for us in the Jello Pages under Traveling Bag Pipers.
Self-motivated person with sharply pointed head (and bear ears) needed for drilling operations in formerly protected lands in Utah and Wyoming. Uniform, welcome packet and tools provided. Must be willing to submit to drug test. Mud Pump Drilling, Gillette and Green River.
Strong-willed SWM seeks submissive WF for ping-pong interludes in my heated garage. Interested parties should stop by 567 Indian Massacre Highway any week night. Bring a covered fish.
HAMBONE CHRISTMAS HITS! Let Brenda Lee, Patty Page, Perry Como, Vic Damone, Burl Ives, Julio Inglesias and others slap their way through your Christmas. Not available through sleazy, high-pressure ads on late night TV! Buy directly from the manufacturer. Buy now and receive “The Chipmunks Sing Prussian Military Marches” Crooner’s Corner in Montrose. Now open 23 hours!
UNDER THE TREE ’17
One bothersome tradition that cannot be escaped over the holidays is our annual gift givers guide. We know that many of you are too busy sorting credit card offers, worrying about the economy and watching television to get around to any meaningful shopping for others. That’s why we’ve put together this varied roster of clever, yet functional premiums sure to toast someone’s slippers on Christmas morning. And new in 2017 is San Juan Horseshoe gift insurance which protects the covered receiver from tasteless ties and sweet perfumes. It even contains a clause undressing potential disappointments in the children’s sector as well as worthless knick-knack storage credits for the elderly. Here are the gifts that made the cut…
WATCHED POT PLANT GROWER/INDUCER – Fits over the face like a view-finder or diving mask. Guaranteed to grow healthy house plants in just hours. Halogen light encourages lightening-fast maturity. Effective on everything from tomato plants to sensitive ivies and herbs. Comes with starter set, reversible lenses, carbon-monoxide film, foul weather gear. Why wait for plants to sprout the old way? (Not suggested for Christmas trees or mistletoe. $159.99 at reasonable florists.
ARAB ALLIES SHOWER CURTAIN – Now it’s there, now it’s not. The transparent, anti-microbial, mildew-resistant vinyl-lined shower curtain protects from leakage and wandering eyes. Many come with simulated maps of Mideast tribal boundaries before arrogant European intervention in the 19th Century. Velcro attachments make cleaning a breeze. Simply hose it down. Doubles as a turban or chador in a fashion emergency. Matching prayer rug opens into American or British flag in the event of carpet bombing. $44.95 at Potties-Are-Us and other fine bath boutiques. Be sure to check out the digital toilet paper dispenser display and the revolving chrome toilet seats that few of us will be able to afford to be without this Yuletide.
ED’S RUBBER GARAGE LINER – Developed by local technician who grew tired of running into the garage with his car. Protects all four walls and insulated the electric door too! Somewhat bulky and difficult to apply without rubber tools and rubber hat. Effective against herd animals, drunks and tax assessors. Factory colors sure to match any garage decor. From the outside it looks like a normal garage but from the inside it resembles a cartoon rubber cave complete with windows and animated fossil fuel exhaust. Go ahead…Close your eyes and floor it. You’ll just bounce off! $129.99 at progressive auto supply outlets.
PEEING CHERUB SET – Perfect gift for the nouveau riche on your list. Decadence with a giggle. Classic pose accented by wrought-iron stand. Hand-cast resin statue beautifully detailed. Constant stream of consciousness from the personalized dangling participle. Brass or wicker with ivory-washed finish. Sorry: Matching weather-resistant bird feeder not available in spring. Discount for more than one. Rarely returned, 100% customer satisfaction assured. Movement sensitive lights, security buzzer, remote control directional flow and tinted water optional. $1099.99 at Clone Depots.
VIAGRA JOGGING SUIT – They’ll just have to see you coming with this trademark limited-edition jogging suit from your friends at Viagra. Soft-Corinthian spandex with logo prominently displayed in at least four places on garment. Give someone a leg up this holiday season with fashion that says virility all over it. Available in Okra, burnt cocoa or fire engine red. As advertised on Monday Night Football. $99.99 at athletic clothiers and surviving local pharmacies.
AIRLINE FOOD PROCESSOR/READING LAMP – Perfect for the globe trotter on your lisp. Easy to smuggle past security just to see if you can. Takes all that chemically-packed space food and turns it into an edible survival experience. Simply place unwrapped food items into processor and push button. In moments it kicks out a compact bale or freeze-dried cube that makes an interesting, if not nutritious lunch or dinner. Many experienced high altitude diners use their processor on the ground too since airport food is equally suspicious. Accompanying reading lamp doesn’t work very well but makes a great place to hide miniatures from temperance elements within the attendant population. $35.00 standby.
DEATH OF A SALESMAN PHONE KAZOO/WHISTLE – Everyone must be getting sick and tired of telephone solicitors with flat out amazing offers. Blow them off the line with the patented defense parameter beeping mouth harp. Hits a pitch that only pushy telemarketers can hear. Battery operated and compatible with answering machines so as to blast unwanted callers even when one is not home. Nickel-plated brass, dog hair repellent, easy to store. $31.99 with launcher. Order before December 24 and receive six free Scottish Highland Bagpipe Lessons (a $29 value). Offer good at pontificating merchants only.
MAIL BOX MINE FIELD – Protect yourself and your mail from terrorists this holiday season with the Homeland Security Mail Box Booby Trap Mine Ensemble. Schematic features mining blueprint for up to twenty-five yard circumference. Suited for networking in the neighborhood. Powerful detonator effective with the slightest touch. Combination lock or light sensitive device makes in impenetrable to intruders. Works great on moles, crows and other yard pests. Tests on bear-proof trash cans and child-proof prescription containers pending. $200.00 for expanded explosive selection, fuses and tiny identification camera. Not responsible for damages to rubber garage liners or peeing cherubs.
PATRIOT CELL PHONE – In red, white and blue. Show your support for world domination while you chat away mindlessly with friends and relatives. See-through for technical support maneuvers, caller ID to help round up suspicious citizens who don’t think the right way. Rear-projection device allows for display of U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights on the refrigerator door for those who still read. Vibrator allows for relaxation between calls. Monitoring hookup flashes when device is unplugged. Comes with National Security ID Bow Tie, fog-free blinders and ear plugs, official gov’ment neck weight and neon brain truss which creates up to 20,000 simulated brain impulses per bite. Basic data service: $39.95 per month.
KILLER INSTINCT BRONCO FIELD GOAL TOASTER OVEN – Start a fire under someone this Christmas with the sports appliance that everyone in the press box is talking about. State-of-the-art clock management, conservative quartz elements, choking mechanism prevents burn-out. Heats up great for about 45 minutes then cools off for the fourth quarter. Replaceable quarterbacks complimentary. Perfect for the golf course in January too! Blocks dangerous UV field goals under the lights. $45.99 at sports memorabilia shows nationwide.
COMBINATION TRASH CATAPULT/LITTER BOX FAN/BAGUETTE AIR FRESHENER SYSTEM – It may not be the best gift but it might be the biggest! Let’s start with the trash. Avoid dangerous treks to the garbage quadrant by hurling your debris. Why deal with ice, terrorists and dangerous four-legged predators all winter. Next we discover a handy litter box fan (three speeds) that keeps the odor down even while the cat’s away. If this isn’t strong enough just screw open the top of what looks like a simple loaf of bread and get rid of all other household smells instantly. Warning: Consumers have reported some confusion when using all of these devices simultaneously. Although tragedies are varied no one as yet has been killed. $699.99
TWENTY-THOUSAND LEAGUE BASEBALL MEMORABILIA – Discarded dental floss once used by Reggie Jackson, dirty socks collected from the Milwaukee Brewers’ locker room from 1995-2000 (complete set), a shampoo bottle emptied by a utility infielder who has moved on to the used car business. Too good to be true? Forget the days when players signed autographs for free, and Mantle and Mays roamed the outfield without a financial portfolio. Sod from the Astrodome, Rod Carew’s car seat, paycheck stubs from wrecked Rockies’ starting pitchers, a video rental receipt once thought to be the property to Andres Galaraga. The list goes on. No sports addict can resist! Market price.
RETIREMENT ALARM CLOCK AND STAR WARS LAMPSHADE – Is someone on your shopping list about to take the big plunge into official retirement? Buy them the only alarm clock that not only counts the days until release from occupational bondage but also refuses to go off in the morning. Accompanying turntable base nuclear umbrella lampshade adds a little security to an otherwise frightening future. This gem slices, trims, mulches, waxes, purifies, embalms, soothes, magnetizes, downsizes, fattens, shakes, polishes and engages in a further an assortment of other verbs left over from our pile of notes for this article. $6,000 if the creek rises.
ISIS TRAVEL MIRROR – Why do these people hate us? Take a look for yourself. Framed by 50 years of foreign policy, accentuated by petroleum based distrust and cluttered conflicts the source of which no one cares to remember. Turn the magic dial and the human image will appear as thin as the average Palestinian refugee or the fattened desert prince. Laptop available. $5.2 million.
EVANGELICAL HEARING AIDE – Is someone on your list still talking to the power upstairs? You can insure their clear reception all hours of the day or night with this tiny metaphysical hearing aide from Salvation Optics. Keep the channels open and the message infallible. Comes with translation materials and phrase book in case God prefers to speak in Spanish or Arabic. Non-transferable. One size fits all. $300,000. Financing available at most righteous electronic outlets.
FOR YOUR PET: This year sees a myriad of new products for our fur-bearing buddies. Probably the most impressive are the expanded collection of doggie tattoos and the runway car loader for fat dogs and cats. The pine beetle lattice talking elk head is another fine choice. It is sure to keep Rover or Kitty busy for hours upon end! Many of these diamonds in the rough are available locally. Prices depend on tightness of leash laws and what side of the door you’re on.
FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, the reader, we ran out of time and space. Sorry we couldn’t review the VOICE-ACTIVATED DINGY, the perfect gift for the Yachtie; or the KING TUT GUITAR CASE, a genuine sarcophagus of King Tutankhamen. Likewise the SOFT DRINK CERAMIC TILE GROUT DISPENSER, nor the already best selling “History of Hot Dogs” and “Photographing Bedroom Furniture” will receive the deserved notoriety of the season. We didn’t like the FISH HEAD CHARM BRACELET currently being pushed on Pee-Bay or the WORLD’S FAVORITE SIREN ENSEMBLES that the Salivation Army is selling. In Closing: The breakthrough MARTINI PILLS do work. If you’re just too busy to catch a buzz this season try one. They can be a great stress reliever but easy on the vermouth if you please.
Melvin “Hard Candy” O’Toole
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR WINOS
A hardly sensitive guide to buying for these special people
The holiday season places a heavy burden on our scarce organizational resources. The simple task of evaluating holiday invitations and culling those that do not seem to involve free alcohol, coupled with the tragic choices presented when more than one well-oiled affair will occur simultaneously, is quite enough to drive one to the local for a splash or two of respite.
No task, however, so beleaguers one as the daunting prospect of gift shopping for that special wino that we all seem to have on our holiday gift list. Of course we know exactly what type of gift will scream “open me first” on that magic morning. We so hope however to do more. We hope to enrich the life our wino friend without encumbering his or her enviable lifestyle. This modest guide is intended to assist in the difficult process of shopping for the person who needs nothing.
Start by eliminating those many popular gifts for which a wino has no use. A clock radio is a good example. In fact anything that needs to be plugged in is right out. Very few bridges have outlets underneath them. Cologne or after-shave may seem to be an appropriate gift, however, mixing perfume with a wino’s natural odors may induce vomiting and if they read the label and discover the alcohol content they will invariably drink it which will also induce vomiting and perhaps blindness since it is the wrong type of alcohol. Also forget about any item that can be easily pawned.
The obvious result is that your wino friend will only realize the discounted value of the gift while some pawnbroker will receive the lion’s share of value. A cash gift is often appropriate, but too large of a cash gift will inexorably inure to the benefit of those who prey on winos and or be squandered immediately in an unholy binge benefiting merchants and other winos more than the object of your generosity. Anything not easily carried will be of little use to the wino. Few winos have access to any kind of reliable storage, and once out of sight the item will most likely be forgotten and abandoned.
Anything that would be highly coveted by other street people such as gang members is not a wise gift. Gold chains, boom-boxes, Air-Jordans and Raiders jackets are bad, even dangerous gifts for winos. A little bit of common sense will save you the needless embarrassment and wasted expenditure for a gift that will do your favorite wino very little good.
Now, how to find out what your wino friend wants and needs. An obvious approach is to consider the subject while buying a drink for your wino friend. Examine his or her costume for items that obviously need replacement.
Keep in mind that many winos become irrationally attached to certain items of clothing and you should determine if that is the case by pointing out the item and asking them how they feel about it. If they don’t tell you a long and incomprehensible story about it they probably don’t care. Pay special attention during those quiet moments when your wino friend goes into soliloquy. Many winos reveal their deepest wants and needs while talking to themselves.
Even if delirious, your wino friend can often point you in the right direction. Bartenders are also a valuable resource in your quest for the appropriate gift. Not only are bartenders quite likely to have overheard the monologues and conversations of your wino friend, but long hours of interaction and one-to-one contacts while breaking up fights or when extending invitations to vacate premises provide bartenders with revealing information about winos.
Another good source of information is the liquor store where your wino friend’s social security disability check is mailed.
These good merchants can not only tell you what kind of liquid refreshment your wino friend favors, but can also inform you based on their frequent contacts and conversations with your wino friend. Winos often reveal their fondest and innermost desires to liquor store clerks, since they always feel safe and at home in their favorite liquor store.
Finally, you can talk to the local constables who often know your wino friend quite well. While such public servants can often be insensitive and crass with their opinions of what your friend might need, they can just as well be quite insightful and are therefore worthy of your inquiries.
When executing your holiday purchases for winos be practical. Very few winos are the type of snobs who examine boxes and labels for prestigious stores and brand names. Army surplus merchandise is often not only the most economical choice, but from a practical standpoint, is often of appropriate quality so as not to make your wino friend feel out of place when interacting with colleagues. Items that can be hosed off rather than laundered are always much more convenient for winos. Dry cleaning is not a practical requirement for wino attire. Do not get hung up on tradition.
It is neither necessary to wrap gifts to winos, nor is it reasonable to expect them to not open till Christmas. Winos live in the here and now. If an item is of use to them they need it now. Liquid gifts should also be practical. Most of the favored wino refreshments (fortified wines, cheap rum and malt liquor) are available in plastic 1/2 pints, pints and quarts.
Larger bottles are impractical (except in the case of malt liquor which is consumed on the spot), and may even injure your wino friend during falls. Plastic bottles also eliminate the heartbreak that can occur when a valued gift is lost through breakage. Gifts of food should not require special opening appliances, like can openers, which may be unavailable and or may injure your wino friend. Food gifts should also be very rich in protein, fat and calories since food is a rare treat for many winos and should be as nourishing as possible.
In summary, gift shopping for winos can be a rewarding experience, both for you and the wino. Don’t worry about making a mistake since winos rarely remember where they got things anyway. The warmth and good cheer of the holiday season is always enhanced when you feel you have done something to help your good friends. Most importantly, sit (or fall) down and enjoy a drink with your wino friends who always provide a cheerful perspective on life since they quite simply know what is important and how to have a good time.
– Dwin “King” Hevaway
“There’s no money in feeding the poor yet your Bible tells you to do just that.”
– from The Crusader’s Dilemma by Dieter Upanishads
Toole assertion of sexual indiscretions reaches climax
Ageless scribe, Melvin Toole (102), has released his final hit list of women who allegedly made sexual advances and in some cases groped him in 2017. Included are Jessica Alba, Emma Watson, Penelope Cruz, Eva Longoria and Cameron Diaz.
Most of the women on Toole’s preposterous roster chose not to comment on the development while several lashed out.
”He sat there at Matteo’s in his too tight paisley pants,” said Cameron Diaz, laughing at the accusation. “Wrapped up tightly in a sweat shop Gap hoodie and matching sweat socks, representing everything I don’t look for in a partner.”
Toole scoffed at the reaction saying she does not remember a night back in either August or December when the two met at a fundraiser for Jerry Brown. The list goes on:
“Jessica Simpson, Megan Fox and Katy Perry acted inappropriately toward me in the summer. I hate being used, being seen as simply sexy and nothing more,” whined Toole. “I thought it was just a coincidence that these women had become aggressive. Then I realized they were networking and bragging about their exploitation techniques. How insensitive…How cavalier!”
One of those under the microscope, Kim Kardashian said, “I only had lunch with him because he had secured a table at Miceli’s. Having been warned as to the development of his table manners I wore a raincoat. Nothing kinky, just something I could easily launder after the meal was completed.”
Jenifer Lopez, Carrie Underwood, Anna Ivanovic…the list goes on. One well-known model from Apalachicola, who demanded anonymity, echoed the responses of the others.
“I once watched at him talking to himself across the largest plaza in South America and that was too close for me. These charges are ludicrous and I think most rational people understand this.”
“He’s a witless moron,” said “Selena Gomez who was not yet on the lust list at news deadline. “None of these woman would come close enough to that bozo to sign an autograph much less engage in misconduct.”
