All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Meteor Showers To Interrupt TV Reception
(Ouray) Swarms of flying sparks, perhaps fragments of the annual Lyrid or Eta Aquarid meteor showers, are blamed for the termination of TV reception here. According to astronomers the shooting stars recorded a direct hit on main satellite installations rendering television signals impotent and leaving screens blank and lifeless.
Residents have been asked to sit tight and read a book or talk to family members until the problem is corrected. Experts from as far away as Lookout Mountain expressed concern that this was not an isolated atmospheric intrusion.
“Although the attack was severe we expect to have the system up and running again by February of 2020,” said Raymond Markey, a gifted technician operating in the county.
Gluttony Replacing Travel in US
(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.
“It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency. “Comfort levels are easier to access at the dinner table than immigration counters or baggage claims.”
Toolski added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel a painful experience, especially for the round.
“And this is not some cheap joke about airline food either,” quipped Toolski.
POLKA, OLIVE OIL LIFE ENHANCING
(Gunnison) People who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State University here. The almost alarming results come as no surprise and the future painfully clear: We need more polka bands and need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees along the waterways and on the shores of Blue Mesa.
Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption often live beyond the age of 100. Low stress was also factored in to the formula.
Vagrant Strike Brings Denver Area To Its Knees
The Denver metro area is faltering in the second week of a strike called by vagrants and panhandlers. Busy intersections throughout the city are besieged by derelicts holding signs saying such things as “panhandler on strike,” “will not work for food,” or “Viet veteran now housed, please don’t help out.” Denver’s mayor, Michael Hancock has called the strike “the worst crisis for this city since Peña left.”
Boulder mayor, Suzanne Jones, called the begging stoppage “devastating to the Pearl Street Mall and the biggest threat to the diverse fabric of our community since our minorities moved out.”
Liquor stores and bars in the metro area are particularly hard hit and are requesting federal disaster funding.
Spokesmen for the striking vagrants explain the strike was called by local 22565 of the Amalgamated Vagrants International Union after panhandlers became disgusted with the meager amount of handouts being collected in the Denver area.
Said one panhandler, “I can stand all afternoon at a busy interchange and only collect $50. Hell, for that kind of money I would be just as well off working.”
Another vagrant explained, “It’s no picnic standing out in all types of weather holding that stupid sign. People obviously don’t appreciate the lengths we go to to make them feel better.”
Meanwhile federal arbitrators are negotiating with commuter representatives in an effort to avoid the regimen of mandatory handouts for beggars being demanded by the union. With no settlement on the horizon it’s looking like a long, hot summer on the streets in Denver.
Reporter Jailed on Conspiracy Charges
(Montrose) Longtime lightweight Melvin Toole was arrested this afternoon and charges with passing sensitive security secrets to North Korean agents allegedlly encamped on the Uncompahgre River here. Toole, thought to be a pawn in the classic pincher movement, is being held without snacks or TV at the new Justice Center.
His lawyer has scheduled a press conference for the Cornhouse steps tomorrow at high noon.
According to prosecutors Toole was observed snapping pictures of top secret sites, in particular the clandestine Western Area Power Administration of the highly regarded Bureau of Land Reclamation on Rio Grande Avenue.
One eye witness, Emily Postmortemme, a BLM employee since before mood rings, accused Toole of exaggerated espionage and criminal mischief in trampling her petunias, which were planted in reclaimed soil during coffee breaks in April.
“I was just sitting at my desk staring out at the parking lot, like I do every afternoon, when I saw the alleged assailant pull into a handicapped space. He looked around to see that no one was watching and slithered onto the lawn where he began his photosensitive assault on one of our sacred institutions. With all the cops employed by this city it seems almost mathematically impossible that he could have sneaked onto this installation unchecked, but there is no end to the hideous initiative of these spy types.”
While falling short of describing Toole as a mastermind in the sphere of espionage, authorities did say they suspect that Toole is a kingpin in a massive undercover ring that has been selling sensitive secrets to foreign governments at local yard sales and auctions since the Eighties.
“This thing is bigger than we had first expected,” said one police officer. “It could stretch from Craig all the way to Durango. Now that we have incarcerated Toole we can begin investigating anyone else who has connections to the said area of operation. We’ll even interrogate federal employees and school children if that’s what it takes to solve the mystery. We have guns and mace and dogs too.”
A midnight roundup of foreign nationals along the Uncompahgre River netted police only two illegal aliens from Sonora, a sun worshipper from Silverton and three bags of assorted beer cans. Police have reportedly scheduled a Janet Renoesque raid on local RV strongholds in hopes of catching North Korean agents red-handed with the goods over the weekend.
“Just because we didn’t catch any of those dirty Communist North Koreans doesn’t mean their not here en masse,” said the investigating officer who demanded anonymity. Police reported that they did corral a Navajo hurling team from Tuba City on their way to a tournament in Meeker.
“We pulled them over at 1300 because they looked quasi-oriental,” said one officer, “and on suspicion of driving under the influence of an uncontrolled substance since their lights weren’t on. We would have liked to issue a summons since no one was wearing a seatbelt but our current safety laws don’t cover school buses.”
Meanwhile Toole insists he is innocent of all charges with the possible exception of violating the constitutional rights a handicapped parking space.
“Constitutional rights, heh?” quipped the officer. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned after my two weeks on the job and my three weeks in training it’s that when they start mouthing this constitutional hubbub there’s a card-carrying commie in the woodpile.”
Although attorneys for the accused have taken a recreational approach to the defense of their client, they expressed confidence that the entire matter will be sorted out in quart sometime next year.
“Mr. Toole was well within his rights to photograph the BLM building. If another party then flattered him by wanting to buy the photo that is legal too. We all know how arrogant artists can be and Toole is no different.”
Claims that North Korea wanted the picture so as to steal secrets regarding land management were discounted by the lawyers as poppycock.
– Rocky Flats
Cereal blamed for demise
(Pea Green) Too many choices in the cereal aisle, not overpopulation or pollution, has been blamed for the demise of Western Culture according to a ten-year study completed here this week.
After intense debate by social scientists, soccer moms and academians urban stress, the breakdown of family and overgrazing were listed as major components of the malady. Alcohol and illegal drug abuse, economic disparity, television and the lack of water rounded out the frightening roster.
“We don’t know what this means,” admitted Dr Efram Pennywhistle Dean of Wheat at Pea Green Academy, “which is in keeping with the tabulations of our other tedious studies since the Civil War. We’re not looking to take the gloves off with Tony the Tiger or mix it up with Snap, Crackle and Pop but the results are conclusive,” he burped.
Critics of the academy say participants in the study have sugar-coated statistics with regard to social ills and drown legitimate findings with the aid of the dairy industry.
“They’re all a bunch of flakes,” said Captain Crunch, a retired bore hero who now represents Ralston-Furina. “Are they really including icons like Quaker Oats and Kellog’s Corn Flakes on their hit list?”
Pennywhistle admitted his team may have been caught with egg on their faces with this premature announcement.
“We should have waited until the lunch line died down to release our findings,” he flinched. “Maybe they expected us to spoon feed them on this one.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe