All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

AROUND COLORADO

Journalist wed at Coors

(Denver) Melvin O’ Toole and Belle Toole were married last night somewhere left of center at Coors Field. The happy couple were congratulated by friends and the 35,000 Rockies’ fans in attendance.

Immediately following the ceremony Mel announced that he would drop the O preceding his surname if his new bride would drop all pretension about the evening.

“I saw her eyeballing the young pitching staff they have out here,” quipped Toole. “She has a wandering eye and a frightening sinker but its the curve ball that landed this sailor.”

Then, just as the couple had guzzled their third beer, O’ Toole (now Toole) was hit in the forehead with a line drive and required medical attention. After an instant replay camera was consulted it became apparent that Toole had not interfered with play and he was allowed to remain in the stands. Fortunately it was only a flesh wound and he was right back up at the bratwurst stand by the third inning. He plans to go on the DL list after the couple’s first spat, scheduled for October. Good luck to all!

Spatial Profiling Irritates Obese

(Malfunction) The nation’s “large” have filed a suit against the Malfunction Police Department claiming officers there discriminate against people of girth. The complaint details repeated occasions where police have pulled people over just because they are overweight. Attorneys for the corpulent say the practice of spatial profiling is to blame for the mistreatment.

“This is unconstitutional,” said Morgan Ample, of Fruita. “The cops are singling us out because we’re different. By percentage, plump people don’t commit any more crime than the skinny ones do, yet I don’t see the cops harassing them.”

“If I observe a 300-pound driver high centered on the highway I will damn well pull him/her over,” said one cop who asked not to be identified. “It’s a dangerous situation not to mention the wear and tear on the road. I have nothing against obese people of any race, color or creed.”

An official police department spokesman refrained from comment on the matter.

BLM Forfeits Rights To Sagebrush

(Gunnison) A federal judge today ruled that the Bureau of Land Management was no longer custodian of over 340,000 square miles of sagebrush that currently calls Colorado home. The action came after several mistrials and appeals on the part of the gov’ment.

“Sadly enough the BLM was spending more time driving around in its monster pickups than adhering to the needs of the sagebrush population,” said Judge Roy Entwhistle in his final statement. “The entire crop was in bad shape, covered in dust, unable to get ample water in the dry months, left out to freeze in the flatlands during the winter.”

Saying he favored a mandatory banishment for mistreatment of nature, Entwhistle succumbed to public pressure and let the BLM off with a light probation. The orphan sagebrush will be adopted by private ecological groups, funded by the idle rich, and nursed back to health.

In a related case the same federal agency is under fire for its treatment of prairie dogs, skunks, mosquitoes, flies and sage hens. If convicted the entire work force could be disbanded, the species in question moved to foster care in Wyoming and New Mexico.

“I’m glad we have this matter behind us,” said Entwhistle. “It’s far better than having it in front of us.”

Dionysus to speak at Pavilion

(Montrose) Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and fertility will speak at the Montrose Pavilion on July 31. Undressing the subject of public mood of late the famous god is expected to lay out a plan of action along the lines of his creative/intuitive power.

“People aren’t happy like they used to be,” said Dionysus when contacted at his home in Crete by this very newspaper. In the United States the situation is chronic. We think it’s all that creeping Puritanism and the greed.”

Dionysus suggested that people take their heads out of their butts and look at the bigger picture examining the benefits of orgiastic religion, the fertility of nature and continuous wine tasting.

“The Greeks followed my advice and that culture persevered for thousands of years,” said the god. “What has happened in the U.S. is mind boggling.”

Women wins lottery, gives cash to cats

(Norwood) Murial Armbruster used to live on cans of tuna and tins of condensed milk which she shared with all the stray cats in the neighborhood. Now, days after winning 4.3 million in the Colorado Legal Lottery, she’s eating lobster and most of the local cats are rich.

That’s because she gave away all of her winnings to the kitties.

“I set up little trust funds for the cats so that they would never have to go without again,” she sighed. “I could have given it to my relatives but they’re all just a bunch of drunks and would waste the money on alcohol and fast cars.”

Armbruster said it made her feel good that the cats still roam the neighborhood, begging food and a place to sleep, just as if nothing had happened.

“The dumb bastards don’t even know they’re rich, she cackled.

The wealthy winner has moved her double-wide to the sunny side of Grand Avenue and has even purchased a small plot of land (loaded with rodents) on Norwood Hill for her charges.

“OK, so I didn’t get so much as a card of thanks from any of them but in their own way they have shown that they are grateful.”

Excelsior Resumes Flights

(Sapinero) Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs” has resumed a roster of popular domestic flights as of this weekend promising to continue to provide fine upstairs service at bargain basement prices.

Included on the daily flight schedule through Labor Day are: Nucla to Naturita (10 am and 10 pm), Ophir to Gladstone (12:30), Colona to Paradox (3 pm and 5 pm) and Pea Green to Peach Valley (8 am and 8 pm).

The much publicized Sunday morning champagne flight from Bostwick Park to Cimarron was temporarily suspended when it became apparent that the plane had been piloted by two six-year-olds who did not possess proper credentials. According to insiders the two managed to see over the control panel by sitting on copies of the San Juan Horseshoe.

“The kids did a great job,” smiled Answan McDermitt, president of Excelsior. “The real reason we stopped making the trek was that we couldn’t find a source for fresh oysters and horseradish.”

ALMOST, COULD HAVE AND MIGHT HAVE NEWS

The following stories have been included in this issue even though they fell inches short of qualifying as legitimate occurrences. Although the concept seems silly, our editorial elders felt that even these scant facts here deserved to be reported.

NUGGETS ALMOST WIN ONE

(Denver) The salmagundi of aspiring young athletes, known as the Denver Nuggets almost won a game recently, narrowly falling to the Boston Celtics. The patchwork team, led by an ambitious front line of anonymous warm bodies, came within 10 points of victory. A stingy defense showed signs of life in the third quarter. The game, which was tied 26 times, finally was wrestled away by the Celtics who scored 12 unanswered buckets in the fourth quarter.
The Nuggets are in the severe stages of rebuilding after losing several top players to free agency and frustration.

Escaped Prisoners Could Be Heroes to Some

(Pueblo) Convicts who successfully escape from prison could represent heroes to a twisted segment of the population. That’s what the Department of Corrections contends after apprehending three such inmates Friday.

The jailbirds, who eluded authorities for three days while hiding in the Shivaree Swamps east of here were greeted with cries of “Huzzah!” as they boarded paddy wagons to take them back to their cells.

Authorities here fear that the overtaxed, shell-shocked populace is having trouble distinguishing between the cops and the robbers.

“They think these thugs are some kind of Robin Hoods,” said one officer who is under investigation for extortion in a non-related case.

Mushrooms Might Have Saved Life

(Norwood) Eating mushrooms might have saved the life of a Placerville woman lost in the Edith Bunker National Forest for over a week in early May. Had it not been for the peanut butter sandwiches and carrot s she had brought along she might have fought off hunger with the fleshy fungi.

Carefully picking edible mushrooms the unidentified lass accentuated her otherwise drab cuisine until rescuers found her on the third floor of a Chinese elm late last night.

Toole Almost Wins Senate Seat

(Washington) Journeyman scribe Melvin Toole came close to winning a senate seat yesterday although he campaigned only from his bear claw bathtub in suburban Virginia.

In fact, as the details of political jousting become clear, Toole was never a legal candidate having been born naked in Canada in 1937.

Experts are convinced that Toole’s excellent showing has a lot to do with voter apathy and a sense of distance with the powers that continue to govern.

The seat itself was a crushed velour with gargoyle trim featuring oak trim and a curious mephitis common to the notorious public restrooms of the Menshevik Period.

Toole had no comment having fallen asleep during the returns.

Hopped Up Teens Just About Wreck Colona

(Montrose) Beer guzzling teens from up the street came close to sacking the tiny fishing village of Colona Wednesday. The fracas seems to have been the result of infighting over a spelling bee held in downtown Cahone last March.

The scoundrel element smashed windows, spit on the street and dodged semis on Highway 550. Later in the evening local fire departments were unable to keep them from the more fashionable neighborhoods of East Colona and Grog Hill Mesa where the disturbance reached epidemic levels.

Hurricane May Have Leveled Bingo Hall

(Grand Junction) Hurricane Rick may have been responsible for the total loss of Oil of Olathe Bingo Complex on 35298844 Road here. According to authorities the 400 mile-per-hour winds of Rick could have “hurled a two-bit tart from a tuna boat Thursday.”

Of course, as we all know by now, Hurricane Rick, and most of the killer bee population, never had an impact this far north. The county coroner has sighted natural causes in the disaster, either that or planetary suicide, depending on a out-of-body skin graph experiment scheduled for the weekend.

Rick was not held since that would be vistually impossible.

Compiled by Suzie Compost

Anti-Solar Demonstrations Rock New York

An estimated 200 demonstrators blocked traffic and upset rush hour in Manhattan and Brooklyn today advocating the construction of more coal-generated nuclear plants and condemning further government research in the field of solar and wind generated energy.

The crowd, a mixture of tattooed businessmen and blue-collar professionals blended with all night disc jockeys union and an assortment of neighborhood toughs looking for someone to stomp.

The philistine assemblage soon began throwing rocks at the sun and shouting, “No Rays!”

Insiders blame the disturbance on poorly informed Fox News personnel who have continually warned that the adoption of solar energy will kill jobs while building petro nuclear power plants is good for the economy.

Actually the reverse is true,” said sociologist studying the behavior of mobs. “Today there are more than twice as many people employed in the solar industry than in the coalfields.”

“Damn the facts,” said one angry believer. “Those solar types would have you believing that the sun is free.”

Citing dangers in solar expansion such as sunburn and an overabundance of chlorophyll, the demonstrators jeered at anyone who did not visibly support them. One angry demonstrator challenged his adversaries to explain what they intended to do with potentially hazardous solar waste materials.

Some statements just don’t deserve a response, no matter how juvenile it might be,” said a solar enthusiast from Connecticut.

An entertainment venue, aimed at drawing supporters from the commuter throng, completely missed its mark. Although the wildly popular Chase Manhattan String Band (“There Goes the Sun” and “You Aren’t My Sunshine”) swooned Union Square, a slim crowd was estimated to be no more than 20 people, and some of those may have been waiting for the uptown bus to the Bronx.

The situation threatened to turn violent as pro-solar militias began surrounding the hapless demonstrators, cut off from their fellows by more than improprieties.

Suddenly a grueling late afternoon sun made its way across the wet, tepid sky driving participants, demonstrators, militias and bystanders into the shade for some relief from the heat.

Meanwhile in Ulster County two mounted loonies have reportedly been attacking windmills in some twisted solidarity with the whole affair.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

DOW Won’t Buy Bear Suits

The Colorado DOW will not purchase bear suits this summer.

The announcement comes as budget cuts dictate movements by the forest wardens. Most years (since 1951) the DOW has acquired bear suits from a local vendor so as to snoop on bruins in their natural habitat.

“Our findings have been remarkable but we still haven’t figured out what makes these monsters tick,” said Gabby Haze, a longtime state ranger in the Uncompahgre National Forest who works with law enforcement to identify bad bears who may be a problem down the road.

Haze went on to say that the bear always knew they were there snapping photos and measuring footprints.

“They just ignored us although, playing along with the charade. I remember once that an amorous female bruin took a shine to my partner Al. It was during making season and we had to transfer her heart’s delight to a desk job for the remainder of the summer.”

Another time a young cub mistook Betsy, our field engineer for his mother and wouldn’t go away. We finally found his angry mother and reunited the pair. Betsy, who has no children of her own, was devastated taking an extended sick leave. She now works only with hatchery fish who have no particular family ties.

“The main reason for the termination of the bear suit things is because it is degrading and stupid for a; parties. Rangers, say the experts, would be better off driving around in their green pickups dressed as people. Bear incidents are the same either way.”

How this decision will affect the local economy in nearby Pinkyville remains unclear. The town’s income, based on bear suit manufacturing is sure to suffer due to cutbacks here and in other regions.

“They haven’t ordered moose or elk outfits since 2015 and we don’t expect any new orders in the fox or fowl categories until the winter,” said a spokesman for Ed’s Furriers. “They say the agents were engaged in unnecessary risks climbing trees to observe eagles who saw them coming for miles.”

Ed’s plans to keep the finished suits in cold storage until new markets can be established. One veteran stitcher says “Halloween might save us, otherwise it will be a paltry winter for everyone in town.”

Authorities are on the lookout for an increase in poaching for some unknown reason.

– Muriel Armbruster

BUS ENTHUSIASTS FORM CLUB

(Gunnison) Local bus enthusiasts have organized the nation’s first bus club here according to a press release received this morning. The club, founded for promotion and preservation of bus-related culture, will attempt to educate the public while it combats common misgivings about this kind of travel.

In addition the club will be responsible for recording bus lingo and chronicling history of buses in the Western Slope region. Slide shows on the most recent technology and hints on making left turns will be presented each Friday night in the parking lot of at the former LaVeta Hotel on South Boulevard Street.

“We’ll be taking field trips to local fields and meeting the bus when it arrives on its daily trek from Pueblo and points beyond,” said Rolf Cramdose of Almont. “Why just the other day we had a bus right here in Gunnison that came all the way from Kansas City. Small world, heh?”

Members feel that the public will gain new perspectives into bus travel through the efforts described here.

“With the Congress dragging its feet on passing clear energy bills we could all soon be riding the bus,” smiled Cramdose. “We seek to educate and entertain the public while presenting bus travel in a positive light. Yet every day we sit and watch as rookies hold up the line looking for change or asking the driver stupid questions.”

– Gus Stoppe

Saint Roscoe Appears to Gamblers

(Black Hawk — “The 3.2 Sin Report” — 4 am in the summer, 2017)

The self-describe Patron Saint of TV Dinners and Tasteless Lawn Furniture, St Roscoe of Cahone, reportedly appeared to several low-stake gamblers here over the weekend. His muffled message: “Happy days are here again!”

That was it.

The supposed apparition, first seen at about ten in the morning in the lounge at the Dead Broke Casino by a Montrose man, Delbar Tinkleholland, hovered over the service bar then quickly moved out into the black jack section before landing feverishly to the quarter poker machines and then out an open window.

“This reminds me of a movie I saw once in grade school where three little kids and their alcoholic father worked in a hospital hauling lepers to and fro or something,” said a visibly shaken Tinkleholland. “He was wearing a sky-blue leisure suit and white deck shoes.”

One skeptic, Bardeen Pinzon of Golden, remains unconvinced.

“I’ve seen this same kind of action down at the Mega Churches. One night the reverend lifted off and went right through the roof,” she said. “It was once of those semi-domes but one of the righteous congregation forgot to open the top. It was messy but in a few days we had another brand new reverend to guide us through this life of sin.”

Pinzon then told a story of St Roscoe’s visit.

“I was sitting there at the black jack table with a king down and an eight up. The dealer appeared to be sitting on 20. Then, out of nowhere this Tinklholland fellow jumps across the table and starts screaming about a vision. He scared the hell out of me!”

Pinzon went on to say that the then lost her concentration, drew a five of hearts and went bust.

“I think someone should police these casinos more closely and keep the loose change out there in the parking lot,” she smiled.

Another Idaho Springs woman, who demanded animosity, said the whole affair was top-drawer, mindless, nightclub flash.

“He looked just like Wayne Newton. He was definitely Wayne Newton,” she drooled.

“I’ve seen him in Vegas. There’s no mistaking his voice.”

The scant credibility herein is linked to at least five gamblers referencing the blue suit and white shoes. Some 50,000 born again gamblers are expected this weekend although this pilgrimage may have little to do with St. Roscoe.

No photos survived the evening and parapsychologists from the Misty Mountains have been cautious as to sharing data.

– Susie Compost

“An army travels on it’s stomach and a newspaper travels on its liver.” – General US Wanamann, protesting last call at the Talk of the Clown Tavern, Lost Lake, Colorado.