All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
It can’t be that bad
A golf bag transformed into a lovely planter? Yes, the game of golf can be difficult but a little perseverance goes a long way. Get out of the garden and onto the fairway!
But were they made in China?
Now you can wear mask just like the President wears. The real human hair composite alone is worth the purchase price.
FCC STEPS IN DOG BUSINESS
(Lake City) The Federal Communications Commission has joined the debate over canine privacy on the web today promising to legislate, placate and procrastinate, then go for a long walk. For months the sensitive subject of pet rights on the Internet has been fodder for heated discussion here.
“My dog bought some bones and some other scented material, which she occasionally rolls in off the web and now they won’t leave her alone,” said June July, a local resident. “We get at least 30 marketing E-mails every day and, let’s face it, Sarah (July’s black lab) has little resistance to this aggressive sales approach. I wish I’d never arranged for her to have her own credit card.”
Classified ads, generally considered harmless a few months ago, can also be a source of trouble for unwitting dogs and cats.
“Spot answered a classified ad regarding a potential mate from Eastern Europe (an Afghan transplant) and now we find little charges on his card generated from places like Sofia and Bucharest, even Prague,” said Jake Arrowhead, of town. “He’s never been there that I know of. One day I came home and there were three mongrels hanging around my living room looking for a free lunch. When I offered tomato soup they got surly. It’s time we undress this annoyance once and for all.”
Dogs were once thought to be deities in ancient Hinsdale County and are still considered a priority in the good life.
“We don’t want our pets manipulated by computer chips or the arse holes behind them,” said July.
State Representative Ernie Woole has taken the matter all the way to the Supreme Quart asking that the law makers act. Speaking on Name That Neurosis talk show Woole threatened to expose the Internet charlatans to the rabies virus unless they police themselves.
“We will not have our dogs be made the victims of this electronic tyranny,” said Woodes, who is running for dogcatcher in October.
-Rocky Flats
Baseball to Expand to Eleven Players
(New York) Major League Baseball has announced that it will expand on-field rosters in 2018 so as to make the game more interesting. The decision to go from the traditional nine players to a bulked up eleven was received with mixed reviews by baseball’s loyal followers.
Many say Major League Baseball is eager to capitalize on the popularity of football while distancing itself from the more violent sport. Architects of the plan insist that 2 more players on the field will pique interest in the stands and at home on television.
Proponents of the changes say their decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the rabid popularity of football, the darling of TV and a sport that employs eleven players on the field at a given time.
“A lot of us are still getting over the designated hitter clause in the American League,” said Spike Mulroony, a Baltimore Oriole fan who lives in Washington DC. “Now they want to augment the current rosters by going to eleven players on the field.”
O’Toole said the move would further dilute the already dwindling pool of talent that now exists.
“Just so long as they don’t increase the number of pitchers used at one time,” suggested ” Mulroony. “It’s important to keep the 150-year legacy intact but with the price of a hot dog at the ball park who’s going to notice another outfielder or two?”
Actually the specific expansion will affect two newly created positions on the diamond. The first will be a logical fourth fielder who will play short center field or be pulled in to the infield to cut off the run at the plate. The second will be a super-utility player who might find himself filling the hole between first and second or backing up the catcher.
“We feel that the addition of two new positions will make the game more competitive,” said former Florida governor, Jeb Bush, soon-to-be appointed Commissioner of Baseball. “There was far too much offense last year and the serious fan wants a return to the pitcher’s duel and the one run difference.”
Bush added that football has eleven men on the field at once and baseball has nothing to fear in embracing that numerical relationship.
Republicans in Congress are skeptical as to the move. Some say it is nothing more than another poorly disguised jobs bill aimed at employing more people on at least a seasonal basis.
“Presumably the size of the entire roster will increase” said Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). Teams will be forced to add four players to play the two extra ones. This reeks of monopoly and we will consider anti-trust legislation to protect the integrity of professional sports.”
Product endorsements and the sales of professional team gear should not be affected.
– Rocky Flats
Kroger Eyes Lake City Super Store
(Hinsdale County) The Kroger Corporation, masked as City Market, is considering an expansion into remote and tiny Lake City it was announced today. The plan calls for a high altitude storage warehouse at a secret location on Ocean Wave Drive, according to a press release received this morning.
As most of us already know it is easier to preserve food at higher elevations. The proposed satellite posting could help the giant grocer make even more money by cutting waste.
“Sure we have to dump a lot of the perishable goods,” explained one executive, “that don’t sell by the date inscribed but those canned goods and boxed commodities can survive forever, especially in the dryer air above 8500 feet.”
Rumors had already begun to circulate the town as to establishment of a brothel on the site due to a small typographical error in the press release. Kroger and the Town of Lake City quickly terminated these circulations.
“Warehouse…a warehouse, although one that will coexist with our historically designated master plan here,” said a town father.
When completed the facility will house eight distinct departments and employ 100 people. Reports that a retail operation will be included in the ambitious projections were confirmed by an upstairs Kroger source saying, “Why not sell groceries. We’ll already be in town.”