All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

Highway Crews Lay Asphalt Backwards

(Montrose) Crews building a new stretch of highway south of here have apparently poured some 400 tons of asphalt on the road upside down, according to a supervisor at the Colorado Department of Transportation in Denver. The asphalt, which covers about two miles of new highway, will have to be pulled back up and reapplied right-side up.

     Scuttlebutt on the job site suggests that the asphalt may have arrived from Denver in this topsy-turvy condition and without ample directions for use. One worker even went so far as to say that the asphalt had been previously employed on the “interstate to nowhere” between the metro area and Fort Morgan along I-76 in Northeast Colorado.

     “Hey, we all know that the boss has a squeeze over in Olathe,” said a burly heavy equipment operator. “I think he purposely sabotaged the job to ensure himself another week or two of courting.”

     Meanwhile, crews are faced with the tedious chore of pulling up the asphalt over the weekend. it is estimated that traffic will be held up

Cattle Truck Tours in Hot Water Again

(Ouray) A local company offering authentic cattle truck tours of the Uncompahgre Valley has been called onto the carpet again this year due to what civic leaders are calling bad taste.

     A throng of detractors from both the public and private sector say Melvin’s Cattle Tours Ltd. has breached the thin line between what is entertaining and what is deplorable.

     “This is the proto-type of bad tourism,” said a chamber source. “It’s not in keeping with the image that we are trying so very hard to project for the summer season.”

     The unconfirmed comments went on to suggest that the operation, owned by Melvin Toole of Elk Meadows, creates an extremely  bad precedence, ridicules the cattle industry and demeans innocent tourists out for some good clean fun. A mounting contingent of critics say hauling tourists around the mountains inside a cattle truck is unsavory enough on its own, and when coupled with the poor driving and bad judgment, common to Toole’s derelict staff of reckless drivers, it becomes downright dangerous.

     Stopping short of banning what Toole calls “See The Mountains Like the Cows See Them”, the concerned citizens say they hope the proprietor will quit his bovine adventures voluntarily, adopting a more civilized method of making a living.

     “Maybe he could arrange jeep tours, offer sky diving or open an art gallery,” said one county commissar.

     Following a plethora of 2004 complaints relating to the condition of the cattle trucks and the bullying of passengers by drivers, the city has considered pulling Toole’s license. Last year hordes of angry visitors, feeling gouged by the $150 hourly fee, formed a constant parade through both the chamber and the mayor’s office.

     When contacted at what he calls his Natty Dread Love Shack, nothing more than a corrugated bindle shift sans pinchbeck office, Toole said he didn’t care if the authorities pulled his license since he never really wanted the thing in the first place.

     “I can just get me another one of those licenses up in Silverton for about ten bucks,” he blasted. “Now there’s a town that’s commerce friendly. This is America!” he raved on, “or at least it used to be. I will not be intimidated by this bureaucratic schlock, no sireeee. When the tourists hit I’ll be a-waitin’. Hell, I might even arrange to pick some of them up when they arrive at the airport.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Repeal and Replace GOP with:

A loaf of stale white bread

A sack of white potatoes

A transparent immigration wall

Donald Trump’s caddie

Mrs. McCallister’s 2nd grade civics class

Trump’s lawyers and Twitters

Monopoly Board Game rules

5 million poor, uninsured Americans

An  aisle filled with broken glass

A little heart and another can of worms

RATING THE PORTA POTTIES

(The following is a local review of the porta-johns in our natural forests aimed at making your temporary stay a fulfilling one. Each facility is rated on the basis of general cleanliness, aroma, seating capacity, flies, the presence of tissue and overall motif.)

Deer Lakes, Slumgullion Pass: Quite clean as of bow season with air freshener provided by Mother Nature. Plenty of toilet paper and even a small mirror. Seating could be a problem. Some spaced out flies. Nice wallpaper.

Billy Creek: Screens on the window, one roll of floral toilet paper left, along with a 1963 calender. No air freshener available, because someone pried the dispenser off the wall. Situated on a flat surface for a comfortable stay.

Yankee Boy Basin: Locked. Premium pay site just over the next rise.

Paradise Basin: A beneficial redoubt for campers. Once used by Otto Mears. Magazine rack full of U.S. Department of Interior pamphlets. Lots of flies, but a well-stocked array of colored toilet paper. Needs a good pumping out as is evidenced by the presence of complaints scribbled on the wall.

Gothic Campground: No door knob, and the spring needs attention. Very few flies, due to continued use. Excellent graffiti. Seats six. Newly painted in a cheerful brown. Although engineered for optimum flow, its horizontal layout makes doing one’s business a little less than enjoyable.

Daisy Mill Campsites: No porta-john is present but the existence of many suitable logs saves the day. Watch for ticks.

Bridal Veil: Great views from the throne. Running water. Carpet needs to be vacuumed, and the drapes are really faded. FAX machine. No pets. Pack rats have taken over the attic. Smells a lot like a Chinese restaurant.

Swampy Pass: Great place to catch a nap as the commode pulls out into a bed. Attached garage quite functional on colder nights. Limited use facility. Please regulate the use of lime. Fly swatter on left wall. Incredible acoustics.

Duffer Attempts Bank Robbery With 7-Iron

(Montrose) When a man tried to rob Who’s On First National Bank with a seven-iron yesterday, he wasn’t expecting a golf lesson.

     The unidentified culprit, now in police custody, admitted that he was severely handicapped by tedious water hazards and hungry fairway bunkers that dotted the course ahead.

     “That’s too much club, mister. What are you doing brandishing a seven-iron when you are only 50 yards from the flag?” guffawed a veteran teller at the fiscal institution. “Open the club face. Bend your knees. Only a duffer would show up with with such a choppy backswing.”

     Stunned at the quick and unsolicited critique, the would-be robber stopped in his tracks, staring down at a bulging cash drawer just feet away.

     “Yeah, you should have used a sand wedge. Where did you learn to play golf?” echoed a loan officer on her way to lunch. “You’ve got a chip shot through the lobby and then a short putt to the safe. What were you thinking?”

     The crook then produced a leather suitcase and gestured for it to be filled with cash.

     “Wait just a moment, sir,” blasted a second teller. “If you choke up instead of choking up you would have the loft you need. A good golfer always takes a moment or two to read the green before putting.”

     Just then the bank alarm sounded.

     “The police are here,” laughed the loan officer. “They do not want to play through. Maybe you should take a mulligan on this bogey hole. Try it again and finish your swing!”

     By the time the police had entered the building the robber had dropped his club and was close to tears. He looked around at his critics and agreed his long shots were short and his short game was long.

     “Maybe there’s a driving range where you’re going,” snickered another bank employee, “but I doubt it.”

     “That’s about par for the unenlightened criminal mind,” said the arresting officer who apprehended the alleged perpetrator when he hacked at the ATM machine with a hybrid fairway wood.

     “These kind of golfers never learn,” the cop pontificated. “His chances for that elusive birdie will have to wait. Consistent golf swings do not fare well even in minimum security.”

– Wendell Shanker

Bears Blamed For Donut Hole Heist

(Colona) Black bear, believed to have descended from Log Hill Mesa, are being blamed for the disappearance of over 6000 gourmet donut holes since the beginning of summer. The pilfering, which coincides with the opening of Zona de Colona Coffee House, had not been a problem in town since the railroad days.

Even though the holes are meticulously separated and stored in “bear-proof” containers the bruins come in at night and by morning they have run off with the glazed and sugared apertures. Law enforcement has been ineffective since the animals simply wait for stepped up patrols to pass through town then go back to their dirty work.

“We respect nature and all,” said one principal at the donut oasis, “but the nightly losses are killing us. The bottom line remains the same. Even a numbskull knows you can’t have donuts without donut holes!”

Many Colonese are at odds with Fish and Game, who they say coddle the bear. They like their morning ritual when dough becomes donut and do not appreciate the heavy-handed intrusion.

“When’s the last time one of these fury pests brought a box of donuts into work?” chided a local ranger. “People do it all the time. Bears get away with a lot of things because they are bears. Same goes for the moose but they don’t give a damn about donut holes, at least for now.”

– Patty Pettifogger