All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Colorado to establish “Troubles Dumps”
(Denver) In a move to promote personal growth and general quality of life, the Rocky Mountain State has established the first of a projected 50 Trouble Dumps in population centers and at high risk locales.
Six initial Trouble Dumps are currently operating in test mode on the Confront Range where an advanced degree of trouble has been creeping around the mountain since bout 1975.
Experts contend that Colorado is sill the thinnest state and probably right up there is the happiest category too. This said leaders here hope to turn a progressive cheek and remain innovative when considering the well being of residents here.
“We want to stay on top and we do that by embracing cutting edge technology at every turn,” said a source in the governor’s office. “Whether the troubles of our residents are social, fiscal or even cultural, we will stand firm and respond quickly to issues that have plagued us for decades.”
The concept is really simple: Anyone who has ever been to the landfill or to a recycling center can dump their troubles without fear of judgment, observation or regression. Although bins are designated by “daily hassles”, “longterm bothers”, “lingering annoyances” or “unidentified anxieties” there are giant bins where a dumper can unload and abandon problems related to financial and political worries.
There are even bins in which to hurl unsuccessful diets, hair growing elixirs, scratched out lottery tickets, previously opened dairy products, worn out underwear, tamper-proof jigsaw puzzles, and cancelled credit cards.
“We hope to instruct the populace that while they sill encounter negative issues in their lives they have it pretty good compared to most of the planet’s population,” continued the gubernatorial source. “That’s where the tiny little trouble boxes and the unassuming designer bags on the fences are all about.”
The hitch-shedding facilities are expected to mushroom with the onset of winter season. Most will be open 8 to 3 with an early closure to insure daily mucking out of troubles thrown. The worries and tribulations will then be driven to undisclosed spots and buried with full honors attributed to any toxic waste or overwhelming personal strife.
The first Trouble Dumps to be established on the Western Slope are slated to to open by spring with state priority tags akin to highway maintenance and construction.
“Take a look at chuckholes on Interstate 70 and 25 and draw your own conclusions,” said the source. “It’s like taking a shower at the car wash.”
– Susie Compost
Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks
(Ouray) Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the early summer.
Late rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.
Most say they are already looking forward to spring.
The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.
Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.
Gunnison close to gold
The Gunnison River rolls through changing colors along Highway 50 west of town
Patrons unaccounted for in Montrose Post Office line.
(Montrose) Have they fallen into the Great Abyss while waiting to buy a stamp or send a parcel? Are they victims of a conspiracy or simple poor planning? Did they take a number?
Today local postal sources expressed concern as to a roster of refugees lost, or at least last seen, in line here to buy stamps. The absences have no known precedence and public concern is quickly turning to fright. Long waits in long lines have been the prototype for two decades but until now everyone returned from the ordeal.
“We lost my brother Earl back in 2015 right before Valentine’s Day,” said a Simms Mesa woman. “He went in to send some candy and got caught in the shuffle. One minute he was addressing a greeting card and the next he was not there. If anyone has seen him please tell him we love him. We hope he’s eating well.”
Projected wait times to buy a simple stamp are hovering at about 17 minutes yet people continue to line up. What choice do they have? It’s not like there is a post office on every corner.
“My wife went in on Thursday to buy a stamp or two. When I checked on Friday she was still in line,” said a local rancher. “When I went back on Saturday morning she was nowhere to be found.”
Overworked postal clerks and long lines have plagued the facility since the population exploded in 1995 and the federal agency failed to keep up with the demand for services. Satellite offices were not capable of handling the overflow and many customers have taken to driving to other locales to send their mail.
“I drive ten miles to Olathe were the transactions are quick and friendly,” explained one Montrose man. “At high traffic times like summer and the holidays many of us show up with coolers, books, decks of cards and folding chairs.”
One minute they were there and the next they were gone.
“I Can’t even send my granny to the post office anymore. I’m afraid she’ll never return. Last winter she was packed up and mailed to Omaha.”
Anyone searching for friends or loved ones displaced, mislaid or gone astray while standing in line at the Montrose Post Office is instructed to go to the official website of the postal service and click on Missing Persons. Maybe they are there.
– Fred Zeppelin
TRAIN CHASER FRUSTRATES AUTHORITIES
(Ridgway) Even as a young girl Lucy Mills had a thing for trains. Growing up near Dallas Divide she witnessed the passing from narrow gauge to split rail to the more modern welded steel rail tracks. She saw freight trains, boxcars, hoppers and flatcars. What ever made her want to chase them is anyone’s guess.
All it took was a whistle or maybe just the rumble of a caboose and she was off. One morning, in a rush to catch a slow gondola car she ran out of the cabin with nothing on but her boots and longhandles. That got some attention.
“We aren’t sure what she’d do if she ever caught one of the trains,” quipped one engineer. “In the beginning I figured she was just a little short of sense but when I saw those eyes gleaming in the light of the engineer’s lamp I knew we were dealing with someone quite special.”
The generally reliable source says he actually observed Mills biting at the cross-ties and the rails themselves.
“She’s like a mad dog when the train comes through town,” he frowned. “Not only is she a danger to herself but she scares our passengers.”
That may not be completely true since many tinhorns and other visitors to our country have taken to wagering bets on Mills and her curious endeavors. Last week, near Portland, a Chinese prince lost an estimated $350 when Mills failed to catch a slow freight. Sadly Mills had to be hog-collared by a nearby hump conductor and three gandy dancers who were busy placing ballast on the roadbed.
One of the fastest women in Ouray County Mills does manage to stay in great shape through her questionable hobby.
“We’d rather see her chasing horses or running down elk but she’s hooked on the trains,” said her father known in town as Pa. “I think it’s the sound and the fact that the trains make such a production of their arrivals and departures. It drives her nuts.”
Several of the leading freight companies have even attempted to hire Mills so as to distract her from the chase but that didn’t work. Apparently she didn’t take to a series of desk jobs preferring to be outside along the tracks.
“At least she doesn’t attempt to ram locomotives like that guy over in Placerville,” said Toole. “Now there was a man obsessed with technology.”
– Casey Jones
What I’ve Found Out
The public schools may suck but the US leads the world in the construction of private prisons.
78% People standing around waiting for something to happen while 22% others spend the day making it look like they are doing something important.
John Coltrane did not right “I’ve been working on the railroad”
A prisoner/convict can receive reduced jail time for getting a vasectomy in Tennessee
Carving the name Jesus on a healthy pine tree in the woods is not very Christian.
Extending a proposed pedestrian mall from Irwin to Almont might decrease the numbers of tourists currently mobbing Crested Butte.
If you have a flat tire at Snowden’s Meadow the mayor of Lake City might very well drive out there and help you out.
Dr. Pepper is not a real doctor.
The Military-Industrial crowd likes having lots of teen pregnancies and unwanted children running around with unprepared, often desperate parents. It assures canon fodder for their wars.
The saying dull as dish water is the same as saying as dull as ditchwater and depends entirely on one’s point of view
US military presence on Taiwan (Formosa) would be like a People’s Army naval base on Catalina Island.
Most persons whose faces are displayed on international currency are pricks.
Vietnamese rice whiskey is not suggested if one suffers from occasional gout.
The best way to extract olives from their skinny jars in Southeast Asia is by employing everyday chopsticks.
The Syrian War is not a video game.
The Opioid Epidemic (52,000 overdoses in 2015 alone) and uncounted meth deaths are not mentioned in Sessions’ Crackdown on pot.
A lot of people vote against themselves due to misplaced blame and fears promoted by political parties.
