All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"

Pot Shop

For more information contact Jeff Brown at The Juneau What? somewhere in in Alaska.

New Gas Guzzler RVs on Block

(Branson, MO — Slug News – July   19, 2016

The newest and largest recreational vehicle ever to roll off an assembly line will be less than fuel-efficient. That should be no surprise to anyone although the size may knock a few critics off their high horses.

The shiny Slugland Freedom is 7000-foot from bow to stern, operates at .000005 miles per gallon and maintains cruising speeds well over 23 miles per hour.

The size and speed should be a benefit to older people who cannot see well or are high on legal pharmaceuticals. There are a reported 18 mirrors on the rig (stock) as well as multiple towing packages at a premium. The RV costs in the neighborhood of $350,000.

“Of course we’re talking highway miles in the mountains, said Ethan Knoll, executive designer of the road craft. “They are slightly sluggish on the hills too in fact we don’t recommend use on steep driveways either.”

Knoll went on to say the RV is not suitable for running errands or driving to bingo since it is hard to park and visibility is poor.

“The best idea is to park it somewhere,” gestured Knoll. “It’s got a music system, a microwave, a stair master (on premium models) and a state-of-the art terrorist repellent system…the whole works!”

The Slugman, which screams of improvidence, can easily consume the oil reserves of small countries such as Qatar or Bahrain in just one afternoon.
– Ripple Van Winkle

“Witches cannot bear the touch of the crucified Jesus. Thank God for science.”         – Dismas, in The Relic Master

Too much executive direction, too few tenants

(Mañana — July 19, 2016) According to a recent study completed as part of Traffic Pattern Summer here, the number of Executive Directors in town equal the number of empty storefronts…exactly. The formula, new to science, suggests that while titles abound, real work is delegated at best and often neglected in favor of power plays and petty politics.

“The square root of the number of days planning relative to the number of hours operating are severely lopsided,” said Edwin Cerro, of some sociological or psychological think tank in Peach Valley. “Then if we add the infinite value to the primitive mode we get the definitive chaos that defines life in the 21st Century. Get it?”

Cerro went on to insist that postulates exhorting the use of hallucinogens to make it through the day or eating genetically modified fast foods are not acceptable language at the dinner table.

“The multiplier, number 4, is a mysterious footnote to the astral proceedings conducted at a lunch stand near Stonehenge and in the beehives of Ballyferriter. In short we don’t know what it means but it does clearly combine the critical division of the Universe into equal and passive parts while moonbeam traffic patterns remain a recipe for disaster.

In a related story plans to build a series of roundabouts over the river and through the woods at the local golf course have come to a sudden halt as neighbors screamed down local officials, driving them out of the neighborhood with bean poles and battle axes.

“There is nothing circular going on as golfers pass the fairway on their way to the green. Even the Giant Carnivore Cottonwoods stand straight and in a row,” said Cerro. “The merchant class will not put up with this tomfoolery.”

Susie Compost

Leaf-cutting marmots likely culprit in pot stink

(Crested Butte – Sweet Smell Review – July 18, 2016)

A late summer invasion of hungry leaf-cutting marmots is blamed for the increase in marijuana odor that has some residents upset here. Complaints about excessive smells emanating from personal marijuana growing operations are on the rise and the county is prepared to act.

According to local biologists the locusts-like rodents chew on the leaves and the biting releases industrially pungent blasts of pot odor. Although not thought to be dangerous to humans, the olfactory status has been calculated as registering  somewhere between baby powder and a busy feedlot.

Authorities are perplexed, with many hinging on two preliminary actions. The first is to rid the area of these mutant marmots. The second is to leave town and begin a new life elsewhere.

It is not clear why the rodents like to chew on the leaves or the state they are attempting to achieve. Scientists believe they have run out of other more traditional sustenance and are desperately attacking the marijuana grown in town.

Pursuing valid solutions to this classic multi-use issue is further clouded by across-the-board confusion as to what constitutes a legal growth effort. People who grow for personal consumption are not regulated like commercial pot producers and often it is difficult to determine what is what with regard to the six-plant per person rule.

One rogue town council member suggested spraying the affected areas with the smell of money to quell the protests. Other concerned citizens are firmly against this toxic approach preferring to deal with the marmots more humanely, by approved trap and release methods.

“Everyone likes the smell of a ten or twenty especially with the masses wandering Elk Avenue this time of the year,” she said. “It’s either that or we go back to burning coal which these leaf-cutter marmots detest.

Chaos at the legal level has spurred dire consequences for citizens not fond of the often-strong aroma on marijuana plants in heat. They are virtually surrounded by pot. Many complain that they cannot even smell their own car boxes or something burning on the stove.

“I didn’t realize there were people out there that found the smell of cannabis to be offensive,” chimed a longtime merchant. “They could be smelling exhaust fumes, landfill wisps or bad water like many other communities. The pot is harmless at this stage.”

Once again the scenario swirls around a case of a small number of greedy persons taking advantage of the lax laws and intruding on the rights of others. Vegetable garden laws are desperately needed in this municipality. People can’t police themselves. Transient mentality and a strong smell of bud pervades the  day. Simple enough on paper a tough nut to crack in the midday sun.

“These types are a lot like out contingent of bad dog owners,” said the merchant. “They don’t train their dogs and they continually fly under the radar of personal integrity.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Arañas ganancia tres asientos

(Weblander – Arácnido Follies – July  17, 2016)

Arañas Western Slope han ganado tres escaños en la Cámara de Colorado y pueden empujar a un senador pro-araña de acuerdo a los informes que se arrastran y correteando en este centro cultural. Según el Censo de 2010 la población de araña estado ha disparado (crecimiento del 23%) a ganar el Partido Arana un aumento dramático en la representación.

Conversaciones susurradas escuchadas en sótanos oscuros y espacios angostos todo los Rockies sugiere que los animales de ocho patas pueden estar planeando ejecutar un candidato populista de la Casa Blanca en 2016. Las arañas tienen durante siglos sufrieron de un problema de relaciones públicas severa: Los seres humanos tienden a aplastarlos siempre que entran en las casas de los lugares de negocio.

Los arácnidos esperan que su mayor visibilidad en la capital presentará su situación en una mejor luz y de prensa para la plena autonomía. Los intentos de aliarse con grupos escindidos de insectos han fracasado estrepitosamente debido a la arrogancia de araña y la danza de la cadena alimentaria actual.

“Nos gustaría recordar a los aliados y potenciales aliados que no somos los insectos”, dijo uno de los organizadores.

– Emilio Frijole

Cattlemen’s Day’s Rodeo Starts tomorrow

The 116th Cattlemen’s Days PRCA Rodeo runs from July 14 – 16. Come on up or over to Gunnison and join in!