All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Canine work stats cast shadow on Obama legacy
Disappointing canine employment figures cast a negative light on Barack Obama’s presidential performance according to the American Kennel Club, The Butane Society and a host of conservative think tanks.
Supportive ail waggers back in 2010 are singing a different tune in 2016 since job creation for dogs has fallen off significantly. Many blame the President.
“Official figures are not valid since the formula does not include or recognize dogs who do not file for benefits or unemployment compensation,” said Julienne Pettifogger of the AKC. “Both sides of the political spectrum manipulate these numbers to beef up their points but they mean very little.”
One angry Butane Society bureaucrat called dogs “known gluttons only too happy to engage in teeth bearing tactics and fur rising over such ridiculous prizes as bones and turf”.
“These mongrels ignore family responsibilities and consume copies amounts of kibble without even doing the dish (es). They have little or no work ethic,” said Pettifogger.
– Dag Katz
July 14, 2016
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Another gem by Jeff Brown Real Alaska Magazine
Write off lost golf balls only until Friday
(Montrose — Linkster Line — July 25, 2016)
Golfers are reminded that Friday is the last chance to claim income tax credits on missing or vanished golf balls for 2016.
In order to successfully submit the loss one must register with some guy at a card table in front of the post office and secure references from at least three golf corpse supervisors as to the pathetic nature of your game.
Golf ball fatalities do not always qualify as a business expense but they can be easily and legally filed under
entertainment/medical expenses for anyone making taxable income in the country.
“Most tax preparers don’t realize that equipment damage or loss can be deducted right off the top from most returns,” said Zebrine Poltroon, a CPA in hiding somewhere outside Denver. “The laws apply to anything from track shoes to ice climbing fashions.”
The most common place for golfers to become separated from their balls is in water. Many courses are filled with cute little ponds and sadistically placed lakes that, although they offer little depth can gobble up a golf ball in no time flat. Other spots include forests, extreme shade, leafy fairways, rough, out-of-bounds and cottonwood stands at feeding time.
Despite government attempts to drain water hazards and lay sod in the bunkers most golf concerns have remained steadfast in an attempt to secure a future while maintaining the history of the sport.
Persons not filing income taxes are exempt from reading this article.
Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon Downsizing
(Gladstone, CO – Special to The Horseshoe – July 24, 2016)
The popular, albeit semi-nourishing, Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will not be stopping in Silverton this fall. The brightly colored Gitano cook carriage has been calling on the San Juan County Seat every month since 1953. People will surely miss the prairie schooner’s happy chimes, clattering kitchen curses and massive cow bells forged in the great halls of Petrograd off the Ballistic Isles of Romania.
The action comes as Ed celebrates his 88th birthday this month.
“Hell, I used to love working Silverton when the mines were running but things have changed a lot since them days,” said Ed. “Nowadays everyone’s too busy with smart phones and fast food to notice a fine piece of liver broiled to perfection, topped with mounds of caramelized onions and hickory bacon on the side. These folks spend more time trying to figure out the voting booth or which bathroom to use than they do perusing my menu or cultivating an original thought.”
Ed plans to sell his wagon and grow marijuana instead of pigs and onions.
“Sure he’s tired of the traveling,” said a close friend down in Colona where Ed maintains a sizeable herd of young steers and old-fashioned solutions. “The truth of the matter is that his old horses are afraid of the train and hesitate at the entrance to town. One actually ran off last summer and made it all the way back to St. Germaine before someone wrangled the bastard. Ed’s getting too old to be chasing spooked horses up and down these mountains.”
When asked about his team’s reluctance to visit Silverton Ed just stared, nodding occasionally, asking for a stick or gum or a ride to Durango, commenting on a pretty woman walking by the wagon. In no time we were sitting at the Brown Bear sipping on a beer.
Anyone wishing to procure foodstuffs from Ed is reminded to meet the wagon on the Silverton side of Ruby Wall Tuesdays and Thursdays until the snow falls. The Molas Lake Stand, operated by Ed’s two ravishing daughters, Marigold and Styx, will reopen for ski season in 2019.
– Finn McCool
Indios preparando para Estocada final
(Wounded Knee – Taholah (Washington) Tiempos -22 de julio de 2016)
Miles de nativos americanos, se pusieron en pintura de guerra, se están concentrando para un asalto final en el corazón de la América blanca. Guerreros de los Lakota, Ute, Comanche, Nez Perce y Naciones Apache hechos de la mayor parte de la fuerza.
Los rumores que circulan muchas capitales de los estados occidentales advierten que el grupo puede tener acceso a las armas nucleares y que el plan para recuperar la tierra que fue tomado de ellos a partir de la década de 1600.
“Hemos estado planeando esta maniobra desde alrededor de 1890,” dijo un portavoz de la tribu. “El gobierno pensó que habíamos dejan de existir o asimilar a lo largo del camino. Ninguno ha resultado ser cierto “.
Fuentes aquí en la Reserva Quinault predicen victorias en Washington, Oregon, Idaho y Montana, gracias a un conocimiento arraigado del terreno. En Wyoming, Colorado Utah y Nuevo México, la elevación es el aliado de la India como guerreros abatirse sobre los que visitan ejércitos flatland con el poder del Gran Espíritu en sus hachas de guerra, según un comunicado de prensa.
“Vamos a abstenerse de tomar el cuero cabelludo y no dañará cualquier persona que se rinde”, dijo la fuente. “Luego, con el control de las tierras altas podemos repeler y contraofensiva de las fuerzas del Destino Manifiesto. Deben recordar: Puede ser que tengamos el grande escondido en nuestra tienda india o bajo un taparrabos ”
– Pahoo.
