All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Campaign Workers Should Plead Insanity
(Chicago) Many mindless campaign workers, still convinced that their chosen candidate represents the panacea, the solution, should, according to leading experts, plead insanity when confronted with recent childish behavior during the elections.
Comparing typical responses of enthusiasm to canned laughter syndrome (CLS), critics of the process say opiated followers only encourage politicians to ignore the real issues and allow these gilded charade masters to misrepresent the truth.
“These glazed over straw hat provincials are the core of what’s wrong with our electoral process,” said one political analyst who has already projected a winner in the 2020 and 2024 Presidential races.
To many delegates and party-liners the whole process is just a big party. The association with a given candidate gives the volunteer worker a dose of validity in an otherwise often stumblebum existence. They ride the coat-tails of their chosen one to victory, claiming that they had a small part. Their responses are inappropriate, their souls tainted by the two-party system. Most couldn’t pass a high school civics test.
They cheer enthusiastically when their candidate spouts more tired rhetoric or passes wind. It’s all the same to them. The politician promises to help the farmers…They cheer madly. He/she pledges relief for the working poor…The house comes down. The candidate paints a picture of himself as the messiah…They are brought to the edge of righteousness, tears forming in the remote corners of their generally dry eyes.
Herding other sheep is a full time gig. Chowderheaded cogs in the massive machine that is eating up the earth and kowtowing to the corporations. Why wrestle with the issues when the guy on stage is sugar-coating reality, packaged for television. Sound bytes. Perception. Sound bytes.
Continued under the tablecloth when the dessert lights go down
Discerning bruin enjoys dining after hours
(Crested Butte) A gracious black bear broke into the Soupçon Restaurant the other night but, with the exception of a three-course dinner, did not harm so much as a linen napkin. His unobtrusive, methodical trail was easy to make out the next morning defined by his not so polite munching.
Gingerly intruders rarely order from the menu.
According to a spokesperson for the restaurant, located discreetly in the alley behind the Forest Queen Hotel, the delicate bear clawed his way in through the lonesome side door, ambled through the small, fragile dining room and made a bee line for the eats.
“We were cooking veal stock and that must have attracted him,” said a kitchen source. “But the stock was boiling hot on the stove. It’s hard to believe he could come and go so gingerly, more like a fox than a bear. If it were not for little piles of food and an open refrigerator door his visit might have gone unnoticed.”
According to the word on the street the bear ate 40 pounds of fish and hit the butter supply pretty hard. These figures were later determined to be exaggerated. Several other restaurants, including the Sunflower, were robbed the same night. It was not clear if the same bear (working alone) was the culprit or if a bruin gang is on the loose in Gunnison County.
“What can we do…put bars on the windows?” asked one other chef. “We have trouble dealing with the nuances of nature up here and hungry bears are generally anything but subtle. This one didn’t even bother to make reservations.”
The sophisticated Soupçon bear finished off his meal with chocolate tortes stored in the back of the cooler. Then he left by the same route that had brought him to the gorging gourmet bonanza in the first place.
“We have to share the earth with our neighbors but these break-ins are occurring at a rapid rate this year. Maybe our bear could arrange to show up earlier,” said the source. “Our second seating diners might enjoy the floor show. Hey, and we’re always looking for a dishwasher.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
Could there be the answer herein?
poster by Jeff Brown Real Alaska Magazine
IN THE GRASP RULE ANGERS HERDS
(Norwood) A few changes will be painfully apparent during this year’s hunting season, according to a spokesman for a local deer coalition here. Most controversial are the “in-the-grasp” ruling and the travel restrictions imposed on herd animals during October and November.
The in-the-grasp ruling declares that all herd animals are technically down when they are hit. Game wardens are certain that attempts to escape after this juncture will only lead to further problems and that the animals would be better off giving up for their own protection. It is hoped that this new rule will sharply decrease the time spent tracking wounded prey and more time spending money in recreational pursuits downtown.
Mandatory travel restrictions, strict by herd standards, are designed to prevent deer and elk from seeking sanctuary in areas not accessed by Colorado hunting licenses. Proponents of the plan feel that if the game animals leave Colorado, it will be tough to attract hunters to our state. The travel restrictions will be enforced as animal behaviorists hope to convince local herds that things would be no better in Utah or Wyoming. Those states promote hunting too, sans the millions of dollars in benefits provided by the Centennial State.
A majority of the game animals polled feel that the in-the-grasp ruling negates the animal’s natural ability to avoid the final obituary status by whatever means necessary. Most agree that hopping around on three legs beats the hell out of being served in a bowl with beans, tomatoes and onions.
Complaints run rampant when it comes to the geographical demands made by the DOW and others. The deer and elk feel that they are already doing more than their share to insure a successful hunt. Most feel trapped, disillusioned.
“As a dominant bull I feel I should be free to pursue a nomadic lifestyle without a pass from some government official,” said John Doe, a six-point elk from Redvale. “I see no sport in waiting around to get shot by a bunch of jokers in a jacked-up 4 x 4.”
Doe, a veteran of over a dozen fall campaigns, says hunters should be forced to track quarry on foot and that the use of pack animals and dogs to pursue game is hairline cannibalism.
Link Hedges on Political Endorsements
(Pomona, CO — Genetics For Life — Sept 2016)
In a rare departure from departures, The Missing Link today declined to endorse any politician for office in November. Evading reporters while dodging a troop of police officers intent on his capture, the swaggering Link continually defied gravity and the laws of space and time.
Redefining the playing surface, the Missing Link, a master of multi-tasking, showed both innovation and good taste in his spurious action. His curious fan base, waiting patiently outside for a glimpse of their hero, endorsed the decision chanting Free the Link and the disconcerting Link, Link, Link…
“He exhibited a masterfully conceived plan of noncommittal avoidance peppered with mumbled double-talk, steering clear of attempts to fence him in on the subject the coming elections.,” said a supporter who had hoped for something more solid from the Link. “Many of us had hoped for a conclusive announcement on his current leanings and even the declaration of his candidacy.”
As he shirked, skirted and side-stepped the issues the Grand Equivocator remained one step ahead of the law. He is wanted in three states for questioning about rogue metaphysics and the origin of the species. After the encounter the Link jumped a 20-foot security fence, slid rat-like under a tight-lipped glass door for and gracefully slithered into a civic fountain where he then vanished.
Police are stepping up operations and beefing up their presence around Pamona Aviary where informants say he is taking flying lessons.
