All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Ruthie Roosterson Passes
(Wimpton Acres Homestay Obituary Roundup December 4, 2016)
Steadfast proofreader Ruthie Roosterson left this world this morning for greener pastures. The loyal spell checker and grammar stalwart predates all computer programs aimed at achieving perfection on the printed page. The cause of death was determined to be natural and due to complications regarding her age. She was 119.
An avid tennis player up until the end Roosterson knocked back three sets just last Saturday before closing the bars that night. On Sunday she won first-place at the Cedar Creek Demolition Derby and prepared ribs, spuds and corn-on-the-cob for 400 hungry fans at her remote Pea Green worm recovery center.
Roosterson was the first and only proofreader even employed by the Horseshoe, finding an estimated 400,000 typos, misspellings and miscalculations over that span. It was some time during those 40 years that Ruthie lost her sight altogether succumbing to complete blindness in 1987.
“Even stone-blind, the woman missed nothing,” said employer Kashmir Horseshoe. “It was uncanny, even paranormal but she got the job done and still had time to water the plants and take out the trash. They don’t make ‘em like Ruthie anymore.”
The paper now finds itself engaged in finding a replacement but until then readers are asked to do their own proofing. Employees at the Horseshoe will continue to produce mounds of worthless copy in a playful attempt to challenge the potential projected permanent proof person.
“We are looking for somewhat who is literate and younger,” said Horseshoe, acknowledged as The Hero of Bloated Oaks. “We prefer someone with roots in this valley who will stay on longer.”
Roosterson is said to have regularly consumed a case of Mexican beer during her heralded 10-hour work shifts. A high point in her life came as she won $1500 in a slot machine at the palm-infested Moapa Bowl then gave the money to the Nevada Butane Society. A career smoker she puffed away up until her death when the coroner was forced to remove a filter tipped Lucky from her lips before pronouncing her deceased.
Fellow employees who have taken to sleeping with their dictionaries will miss Ruthie’s smile and quick albeit sordid wit. Her ashes will be spread over the local library during cocktail hour on Friday.
– Small Mouth Bess
Residents Warned on Second Hand News
(Ridgway, CO — Unreliable Sources on Parade — December 3, 2016)
Public health officials here have issued a warning as to the dangers of inhaling second hand news accounts.
It has long been believed that facts, secrets and rumors floating along earth’s atmospheric wall were harmless, but new tests show that physical and mental damage often occur from prolonged exposure to indirect information and whispers meant for others. Sometimes these experiences can be fatal at least in the sense of logic and good taste.
“Although logic and good taste have taken a backseat with recent political upheavals we can still use these parameters to determine personal freedoms as compared to verbal intrusions and primal screams,” said Arnolt Worde, a semantic technician and survivor of America’s public schools.
The health people recommend avoiding exposure to secondary news especially in unventilated areas such as saloons and town meetings.
– Sue Nammi
Notice
The most Honorable Melvin O’ Toole, in keeping with the highest diplomatic standards and sensitive protocol will not be returning phone calls (or compliments) until at least Cinco de Mayo as he will be indisposed, quite pleasantly, in warmer more exotic climes where the sport of baseball is still in the infant stages.
During January and February the former utility infielder and hit-by-pitch specialist will be fully occupied in his duties as talent scout for the Colorado Rockies in Central Laos. The team is reportedly looking for relief pitching. Sorry for any inconvenience. One can easily email Toole and should expect a quick and capable retort.
(Editor’s note: If you happen to know any exceptional Laotian relief pitchers (unlikely but who knows) please contact this website immediately. Failure to do so could be considered high treason from Chicago to Cleveland and from Los Angeles to Boston.)
Trump to Gold Leaf “The Wall”
President-elect Donald Trump likes 24-carrot gold leaf. He likes it all over his 5th Avenue Manhattan apartment. He likes the rococo design. He likes it in Las Vegas and if it passes in Congress a gold-leaf montage may decorate The Wall between the United States and Mexico.
Like many of Trump’s ego blasts and a parade of flamboyant landmarks the Wall will reflect a certain affluence level not enjoyed by many of Trumps fervent supporters.
Inside the aviary at the Trump Tower in New York City. lots of gold and new tax breaks for the rich.
“Money is no object,” said an unreliable source rumored to have the billionaire’s ear. “Imagine how proud we will be when the obstacle to illegal and undocumented immigration is complete. It will be a major triumph for corporeality all over the world.”
Although nothing has come to pass supporters of the construction say a combination of brick and mortar will be implemented and 100,000 workers will be employed. The projected completion date is January 2021.
“Trump is going to trouble assembling such a large work force without including some illegals,” said an Arizona man who demanded anonymity. “Plus his history as an employer may come back to bite him on his arse.”
The President-elect reportedly stiffed an estimated 300 workers when his Atlantic City casino went belly up and allegedly did not pay other contractors for work performed.
“That doesn’t mean squat,” said a Trump spokesman. “The American people have short memories and many appear comfortable with a wheeler-dealer in the White House. He’s going to make America great again.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
Faithful Encouraged to Shed Pounds Come Judgment Day
(Celestial Acres Special from Vacant Lot Magazine November 29, 2016)
The Good Folk, an inordinate number of whom are obese, are reminded that it might improve their eternal status to drop a few pounds before meeting their maker. Saying that these creatures are more likely to be hit by lightning or a meteor than their thinner compatriots.
In an emotional sermon the often flamboyant Rev. Phil Pharisee told his congregation that “your bodies are Temples of the Holy Spirit and that the heavenly hosts would not look too kindly on abuse of this kind. The preacher stopped short of saying there is no room in heaven for the chubby, as he has in previous outbursts.
“Jesus was skinny and so were his apostles,” said Pharisee. “They ate loaves and fishes, not fast food. They took care of their bodies according to the teachings of the Old Testament and adapted their regimen to the New Testament. Many of you have trouble getting out of your cars and can barely fit through the doors of this strip mall cathedral,” he bellowed. “I don’t care if you are the best Christian on earth! I don’t care if you pray all day! I don’t care that you rebuke Satan! The Pearly Gates are only so wide.”
Pharisee, who weighs in at a little over 112 pounds, has been particularly critical of his portly brethren since opening his devotional hallway in the Paradise Mall on the outskirts of town. He is best known for his popular television program Baptist Bartender that continues to run in the South and Midwest. His best-selling book The Missionary Position on UFOs has sold millions of copies.
Spiritual competitors say Pharisee is a charlatan who is only in the religion business for the money. An unresolved lawsuit brought by Angel Hair Trailer Park (the site of his last church) asserts that he left unpaid utility bills and holes in the bathroom walls. According to a prosecuting attorney here Pharisee left a trail of bad debts saying that The Lord would pay his creditors when he returns for the Rapture or Second Coming.
“That’s going to be one hell of a party,” he snickered, which will separate the true believers from the charlatans.”
– Pepper Salte
