All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Buffalo Phil’s Body Stolen Again
(Ridgway) The body of Buffalo Phil is missing again. Authorities here say that grave robbers masquerading as state highway workers brazenly disturbed his grave late last night and may have made off with the remains of the famous frontiersmen.
The late Buffalo Phil is reputed to be buried in an assortment of spots across the country. He is said to grace gravesites from Golden, Colorado to Cody, Wyoming to downtown Ridgway. Although no community can prove that it is in possession of the real Buffalo Phil’s cadaver, each holds a bang-up summer festival marking the life of the former mountain man.
This is the third time this year that Buffalo Phil has been taken. In two previous thefts, bodies were exhumed and then returned when crooks failed to extort ransom money for the famous stiff. Forensic experts have long concluded that there is but one Buffalo Phil and that the others are mere impersonators.
Communities such as Golden and Cody lay claim to the distinction of having Phil in their cemetery but so do such burghs as Moose Pit, Idaho (which hosts a local rodeo in his honor) and Big Hornet, Montana (where a Buffalo Phil look-alike contest is in its fifth year running). In Little Liar’s Grove, New Mexico Buffalo Phil sightings lead Elvis sightings by more than three to one in December.
According to residents of Carson City, Nevada, a pale and ashen Buffalo Phil was seen leaving Verandas of Venus, a local establishment of delight early this morning. An eyewitness, engaged in the delivery of propane at the said location claims that Phil strolled across a casino parking lot and got into a gaudily painted circus wagon then disappeared into the clouds.
Despite confirming that leads are shadowy at best, law enforcement personnel are working around the clock in an attempt to solve this macabre riddle.
– Ripple Van Winkle
EDITORIAL #611
Snow balls a menace to the peace
During recent visits to Crested Butte we have repeatedly been shocked to see juveniles engaging in the inappropriate behavior of snowball throwing. It would be bad enough if these junior scoundrels were simply battling it out among themselves, but they have encouraged the combat to cross over into other, more moral segments of society.
Haven’t we come any farther than this? Are we still like monkeys hanging out of bark-infested trees hurling coconuts at four-legged beasts sentenced to the cruelties of gravity? Is there no law and order? Will no one stand up and be counted?
It’s getting so that one does not even see the traditional beaver pelt stovepipe top hat on the street anymore. We cannot blame the occupants of this fashionable, flamboyant headgear for succumbing to the icy threats of street punks, scarf-masked thugs and pre-pubescent hooligans.
Why just this morning on Whitrock Avenue, a gentleman, attempting to negotiate the stairs at Snyder’s Shed and Breakfast was accosted by alley urchins armed with snowballs. Before he could duck back into the familiar confines of his redoubt they were on him, pelting him with the little arctic missiles, knocking his hat to the ground, purposely upsetting his daily constitution, causing him considerable injustice.
Some of these little criminals even travel with dogs.
Will we the responsible members of society just sit back and wait until our civilization tumbles into the abyss? Remember the Saracens? Remember Chamberlain and Czechoslovakia?
The solution, although awkward, is a simple one: Remove the projectiles of this roughhewn subculture by removing the fallen snow. The town already has the trucks. Let’s get on with it and look forward to a more peaceful, secure tomorrow for everyone. And while we’re at it let’s go ahead and get rid of the dogs and kids too.
– Fred Zeppelin
O’Hare Airport to become Obama International
The international airport in the Windy City named for WW II flying ace Butch O’Hare (a non-politician) back in the Fifties will be known as Barack Obama International Airport come May 2017.
According to supporters it couldn’t have come at a better time what with the Cubs running away with the Central Division and Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s desperate attempts to quell violence in the city.
Obama adopted Chicago and taught Constitutional Law at the esteemed University of Chicago before his campaign and election to the Presidency. The flip-flopping action comes just weeks after Congress pledged to restructure its patterns and avoid naming airports after ex-presidents such as George H. Bush and Ronald Reagan.
We’d rather name our functioning infrastructure after cultural and entertainment icons which represent the real American spirit,” said Selma Gantry, who has spent tome in over 4000 airports worldwide. “Why name an institution after a politician on either side of the aisle?”
The Illinois Department of Public Safety, thrown together recently to bring some sense of normalcy to airport name restructuring, recommended that Bush International in Houston be named for the late Mickey Mantle and Reagan Airport be named for Bob Marley, even though the latter was born in Jamaica.
“Anybody is better than the present power broker namesakes,” she continued. “Anything will do. Please show some taste and get rid of the Reagan statue at the entrance to the nation’s most prominent landing zone. It’s almost as bad as the provincial Bronco near Denver International. Traveling Europeans are laughing at us. It’s an embarrassment. Please!”
In a related undertaking, a well-received plan to rename Dulles Airport Katherine H. Hepburn International Flyway, appears to be making strides and will most likely be undressed again after Trump is impeachment. The Dulles Brothers were instrumental in setting the nation back some 50 years with reactionary foreign policies that torment us even today. Their black and white missionary zeal is blamed for failure upon failure and has left the American people with an all but insurmountable legacy that is in no way comprehended by most of the populace.
– Attila Diggins
Farcheezies stranded on Quad Lift
(Upper Forest Run) The Flying Farcheezies, a semi-notable East European high-wire act, remain stuck on the new high-speed quad lift above here it was disclosed this morning. The Farcheezies, the only living daredevils to successfully bunjy jump across the Black Canyon and negotiate Kebler Pass by electrical high-wire (over the same weekend) seemed relaxed in the face of chilly winds and sub-zero temperatures.
“We’ll rescue them as soon as we’re done making snow,” said Melvin O’Toole, Head of Lift Operations and Mountain Maintenance. “It’s not like we haven’t any other emergencies to deal with this morning. Frankly, these skiers drive me nuts. They seem to think the snow just falls from the sky!”
The Farcheezies have survived the night thanks to 200 pounds of trail mix and an orange from their backpacks. Although the Silver Queen Quad no longer features a cover it still has a convertible foot rack for the comfort of the ascending alpineer.
“I don’t mind a little cold,” said Enselmo Farcheezie, patriarch of the group, “but I hate like hell to have my legs fall asleep. These are the tools of my profession.”
Apparently the family boarded the lift at 3:59 pm despite warnings that the unit would shut down at 4:00 sharp. Accustomed to following orders in their native lands the family refused to jump from the lift or litter.
“We didn’t want to lose our gold passes,” said the older Farcheezie.
The Farcheezies were contacted by the local ski patrol at about sunrise and reassured that the lift would start up again at 9:00 am. When asked to describe the experience father Farcheezie said he could think of better things to do on a cold winter night and expressed thanks that the ordeal was almost over.
“It’s really quiet out there at three in the morning,” he shivered.
– Tommy Middlefinger
TEN COMMANDMENTS SEQUEL DUE IN FEBRUARY
(Montrose) The long awaited sequel to the popular Ten Commandments will be shot in the Uncompais expected to hit local theaters in 2017. The follow-up film will continue with the same theme with the good guys, played by Israeli army regulars stationed in Lebanon, throwing off the chains of oppression (the Egyptians) and waltzing into the promised land, played by the Town of Olathe.
The late Charlton Heston, of recent NRA fame, will not play Moses. That role will be played by Willie Nelson. Special effects for the Red Sea parting scene will be computer-generated, unlike the initial scene in the first film. All daangerous snakes and water pirates will be imported from the Front Range.
In one particularly moving segment, Moses descends from Mount Sinai (Horsefly Peak) to find his people worshipping idols. He angrily breaks the tablets of stone. He is subsequently arrested for destroying public property, littering and encouraging a riot. Later all the charges, with the exception of parading without a permit, are dropped by the Philistine authorities.
“With all the laws and regulations passed since, say 1970, Moses would never have been able to carry modern tablets down the mountain,” said Heston, his pistol at his side. “He would have had to hire pack mules or maybe even a fleet of cattle trucks.”
Another stirring episode involves the baby Moses floating down the Nile (the Uncompahgre) in a basket provided by a local rafting company.
“Today social services would be all over the people who put Moses in the river,” said Heston. “Yes, they would have had to put the baby in an Egyptian foster home despite the policies of the Pharaoh.”
Heston went on to say that the tedious burning bush scene would be included in the film despite the protests of the Department of the Interior. The feds are worried about forest fires.
“If we can part the Red Sea, build golden calves out of adobe and wander around the Stinking Desert for 40 years we can surely contain a small fire,” said Heston.
Ham Radio Geek Brings Home the Cosmic Bacon
(Stellar 17 – Quadrant 555 – January 5, 2017)
Ham radio enthusiast, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole claims to have made contact with “like-minded” beings on Uranus and Pluto. Insisting that he has conversed with alien beings since the 70s, the self-taught, continuous ultra-wave technician spends his evenings chatting in primitive code.
Despite efforts by the FCC and other government agencies to discredit him, Toole has repeatedly offered taped conversations, and select coordinates from unexplored regions of the Universe.
Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole taking a break from taking a break at his favorite beach bar.
“Our conversations basically come down to small talk. We are careful not to get too political or elitist in out quest to improve intergalactic communication,” he said. Last night I discussed the increase in Black Holes with an amateur radio operator from an unnamed star near Neptune and although the reception was poor we managed to exchange some pretty heavy information.”
Toole said his alien friends were most interested in muscle cars, genetic agricultural breakthroughs, governmental charades and whether or not Michael Jackson would be producing another LP after Thriller.
“I guess they didn’t know he was deceased and I wasn’t about to be the one to break the news,” he frowned.
– Gabby Haze
“Crossing the International Date Line single can be a lonesome, yet relaxed endeavor.” – Small Mouth Bess
