All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"

BATS, BEARS AND BUTTERFLIES

It’s Getting Crowded in the Great Outdoors

(Oh-Be-Joyful) The place is overrun. Just the other night while camping out under a newly installed municipal street light up the Slate we watched in horror as thousands, well hundreds, of fruit bats circled our tent with lord knows what intent. They are nothing more than little rats with wings. I don’t care if they are blind and operate on radar. They don’t bathe regularly and can carry rabies (in their back pockets?)

Then it was the bears. Damn, the bats finally got tired of their mindless orbit and the fury beasts emerge. Damn, I strung all the Spam up in the tree like Mr. Ranger said to do, but bears can climb trees! I banked the fire and now they want marshmallows.

Wow, that bruin just ripped the lid off my cooler and he doesn’t appear to have thumbs! I hope he doesn’t come into the tent — that’s where I’ve hidden the rum. I’ve been informed that the animals are most active at dawn and at dusk so I guess we should just sleep in the daytime and hike at night. Are flashlights legal in a pristine, wilderness area? I’ll have to consult my Nashville Forest brochure written by uniformed men over in Denver. They manage the land, you know.

Hey, the reason we are out in the forest in the first place is to observe butterflies in their natural habitat but I think the bats and bears have scared them off. We wait all year for the weather to turn warm so we can drink a glass of wine and munch on some overpriced exotic cheese and we have to share this time warp with pests. Wait. There’s a butterfly now. Where’s my net?

Do people collect butterflies due to some sadistic flaw or because they can’t stand to see a being so very colorful cruising the skies at peace all day? What eats butterflies and how did they get tagged with such a dreadful label?

At least they aren’t like bats. Despite the fact that bats eat mosquitoes they still swoop. That’s it. That’s what gets under my skin. It’s the swooping. In Mexico bats don’t tend to swoop as much as the peso. In Costa Rica someone left the bats out all night and they were stolen. In the jungles of South America they have vampire bats which is one reason travelers are subjected to all those barely pubescent soldiers standing around with machine guns. It’s bat control. That’s all. If you have a problem just call the American Embassy.

If one comes in contact with a bat, waving at it does little good. They just wave back. Flies, oh thou little bat of snot, will go away for a while. Bats, on the other hand, seem to think that if you are so intent on driving them away there must be something you are attempting to protect, like mosquitoes, rum, mosquitoes or some other treasure. They don’t know. They are like the IRS with wings.

The best way to handle a bat is to grip the bat at the bottom with both hands, spread you feet, don’t crowd the plate and keep your eye on the ball. Take a few practice swings in the on-deck circle. At the last moment of contact squeeze and swing through the ball. When reaching first base you are on your own.

I had a friend once who fashioned himself quite the mountain man. He tried this conventional approach to handling a bear, grabbing low and squeezing. He is buried in our backyard under a Russian olive tree.

Long before the native cape buffalo were run off by the high winds the butterfly and the bear were compatible. Most likely this mutual toleration resulted from the primary reality that neither had anything the other needed. Instinctually any bear will tell you that butterflies don’t generate honey. Likewise butterflies aren’t hot on eating parasites (even with béarnaise sauce) off their shaggy counterparts nor do they enjoy munching on a rotten cow that has been buried by a member of the Ursidae clan so as to create the ultimate gourmet treat. Both are generally omnivorous but, like the Epicureans of the Pacific Rim, will consume an assortment of canned meats if they have access to a can opener. Bats hate Spam, often picking at it, then feeding it to the family dog when no one is looking.

If you encounter a bat in the wilds you probably won’t notice the intrusion since they are nocturnal and hard to see in the dark. Bears on the other hand are up all the time due to their fascinating habit of sleeping all winter. In truth, bears can do without folks and usually retreat unless food, cubs, or harsh political differences are apparent.

Responding to a bear encounter is simple enough, unless it doesn’t work well. First of all, stay calm. This may be difficult considering the fact that a 300-pound prowler has just entered your domain. Make noise so that the bear knows you are around.

Pretend you haven’t seen the beast and he/she may retreat. If you are wearing aftershave or perfume that smells like honey or dead cows, dispense with all logical thought and make a run for the truck. There is little truth to the rumor that bears eat Californians and Texans on sight. Statistics lie.

If you find yourself toe-to-toe with a bear back away slowly and avoid direct eye contact as the animal may perceive your stare as a threat. Give the animal an escape route, like the state of Montana. Don’t run. That bear may look chubby but he ran track in college. You can’t outrun a bear. Sudden movements (even those associated with the bowels) can provoke an attack. Speak softly. Reassure the bruin that no harm is meant. Most bears speak American. Just flip out a couple of fifties and, miraculously, most will understand you.

Try not to show fear. That’s what it says in the brochure. Fight back. If you are attacked hit the bear with a rock or a stick. Chainsaws are effective and so are child-proof cigarette lighters, Swiss Army knives, political opinions and last night’s pot of beans. Most likely the bear will tire of the struggle and go back into the woods where he belongs. If not there’s a plot next to our mountain man friend. Biting, kicking and grabbing the bear by his privates is considered dirty fighting by most animals of the forest.

If you are attacked by bats you are probably dreaming or drinking too much cheap gin. If you are attacked by a butterfly you should probably spend your next outing at the dog track or the local mall. The outdoors isn’t for everyone although this time of the year it sure seems like it.

– Melvin O’Toole

POLICE REPORT

All statistics point to one striking phenomenon: Crime is on the rise. OK maybe murders in New York and New Orleans are down but there’s still a lot of petty thieves, cheap crooks and sticky-fingered thugs roaming about. The good news is that there are always cop jobs in the paper and fodder for journalists writing silly columns like this one.

A swarm of trash birds attacked several harmless ice climbers just south of Ouray. Police responded and shoed the ravens and their entourage toward Silverton. Nobody was injured but one woman, Emily DesPlants, of Boulder, complained of white stains on her parka. Later the same day police confiscated planet-friendly weapons of mass destruction stockpiled in Box Canyon by militants dedicated to ridding the area of the pests.

Montrose police arrested Zorro DesPlants on charges of menacing and destruction of private property. Apparently the former orchid tender has developed an elaborate plot to cover world trouble spots with Astroturf. At the time of the arrest he was attempting to cover the 3000 acre Edith Bunker National Forest. He may be charged with mail fraud, attempted blackmail and extortion just for fun.

A Ouray woman DeLuna McQueen was seen attempting to break into a local spa while unclothed. When police approached the suspect she began screaming at them. Police departed the scene only to return hours later to find Ms McQueen quite composed, quietly reading and this time fully dressed. A warning was issued after complaints by local mule deer who were distracted from nightly rounds by the intrusion. Eye witnesses were given a pat on the head and instructed to go back to sleep.

Amelia DesPlants, of Sapinero was arrested Friday on charges stemming from bogus dog obituaries run in a Crested Butte paper. Despite her tearful confession police opted to leave her in her windy trailer until spring. DesPlants is a suspect in acts of vandalism against USA Decay newspaper stands from Cimarron to the gates of Parlin. Moments after police exited Sapinero they picked up the half-brother of their first suspect, charging him with attempts to recapture his youth. According to the arresting officer Warlo DesPlants had dug a large tiger pit across Highway 50 and was hiding in the bushes with a nylon net over his shoulder. He is expected to plead insanity.

Telluride marshals have incarcerated Ruthie Roosterson, formerly Ruthie DesPlants in connection with the theft of a 200,000 square foot trophy home from the Mountain Village. Roosterson, a local cadre chef, insisted she was at the beauty parlor in Cortez at the time of the heist. A quart-appointed attorney told reporters at the jail that his client would claim political prisoner status and that she may have diplomatic immunity due to the presence of Leap Year.

“Being oneself is definitely an acquired taste.”
– Mercury Hempleman

ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED

(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.

“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.
Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.

“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”

Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact.

– Warren of Wexley

“I challenged you to a drool!”
– Kid Saliva to Aaron Slobber, Bloody Hill, 1884

INVENTOR OF PANTY-HOSE FOUND STRANGLED

(Olathe) The woman credited with developing and marketing panty-hose was found near-dead in her sea-view apartment here this morning. A victim of her own devices, 98-year-old Ruthie Roosterson was cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Daily Hospital at Montrose. She expired a few hours later.

Police have one suspect in custody, a Pea Green chemist and former French restaurateur, Maude de Flippante, who once claimed to have invented panty-hose almost three years prior to Roosterson. Flippante, then a resident of the Limousin Region of France (and vocal proponent of sensual legware), was promptly arrested and condemned to death for crimes against good taste and the comforts of humanity. He escaped during a change of governments in 1964 and came to the United States as a stowaway in a crate of Martel cognac.

Roosterson’s eager heirs were notified as to their dire misfortune last night when authorities informed them that there would be no inheritance since Roosterson squandered her vast fortune on low stakes slot machines at Tawaoc. They remain in seclusion, devastated by the news.

The sole suspect plans to plead innocent of all charges despite incriminating DNA samples found on the scene. A trial/barbecue is planned for late June at Pea Green Hall.

– Susie Compost

American Cheese Slice Survives Century Mark

(Crested Butte) An individually wrapped American cheese slice has passed another decade in a local man’s refrigerator it was disclosed today. Longtime resident Herb Ditchwater, although reluctant to disturb the cheese, has agreed to present what is technically an antique to interested parties in front of the post office on Friday afternoon.

“It was in there behind the frozen dog chewies, the simulated macaroni strips and the dehydrated snails,” laughed Ditchwater, who is hoping for some sort of extensive cash prize for his startling discovery.

Analysts say this kind of over-processed cheese is synonymous with the mindless tailings of our right now American culture. While countries like France, Ireland, Greece and even Costa Rica produce delicious gourmet cheeses the United States still continues to settle for the plastic chemical variety. More and more consumers here are willing to go for foods, and other products, that only look like the real thing.

“Yeah, but I’ll bet my cheese lasts longer,” said Ditchwater who plans to present the preserved slice to the Smithsonian as a classic example of American culture.

According to the maker of the cheese it’s all a matter of supply and demand.

“Americans prefer convenience to quality. Just look at our electoral process,” said one cheese executive who dabbles in politics. If people don’t like things the way they are here in the U.S. maybe they should go somewhere else.”

– Jolly Pena

Celebrity Shortage Spurns Action

(Montrose) Pointing to a shortage of celebrities living in Montrose County, commissioners here have decided to offer tax breaks and building incentives for bonafide celebrities who relocate here.

The initial blueprint, based on the incentive master plan that brought Wal-Mart to the city a few years back, features attractive tax breaks for the first five years of residence, a waving of existing zoning laws and a relaxing of tedious building permits and access considerations.

Durango has celebrities. Ouray and Crested Butte have a few. Crawford too has had famous residents. In Telluride everyone who has a post office box is, at least in his or her own mind, a celebrity. Why then, ask the commissioners, has Montrose been left out of all this?

“If we had just one authentic celebrity the others would come,” said one commissioner.

“This lack of luster is holding up progress,” said another.

When asked about the thousands of people who already live here who may be put off or even uprooted by the arrival of the rich and famous the commissioners did not respond. Later one confided to the press that celebrity presence would raise the tax coffers significantly through an upturn in fan visits, positive publicity about the area and an increase in sales tax.

“If the longtime population shifts or even migrates we cannot be concerned. Progress does not come easy and we need to keep pace with the 21st Century,” said one commissioner. “Just imagine Tom Hanks or Bridget Fonda on a brochure with the Black Canyon in the foreground. Just think of it.”

A plan to give tax incentives and other benefits to residents already paying the county’s bills was quickly voted down in the shadow of all the excitement.

– Kashmir Horseshoe