All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Broncos Troll Wal-Marts For Offensive Line Help
A legion of Denver Bronco scouts have begun patrolling local Wal-Marts in the hope of landing some help on their offensive line. The NFL franchise, that experienced gaping holes, horrible run stats and inability to protect the quarterback last year plans to shore up these blatant inefficiencies and run the ball in 2017.
Although many of their discoveries have proved fruitless up until now, the team expects to find help in the aisles of the nation’s largest retailer. Acknowledging that many of the new recruits may be too slow to play football one coach says he will stay the course.
“Some of them are real big,” he explained, “flabby, obese and not terribly athletic. Many have never participated in team sports or daily exercise which has contributed to their sad physical state. Our job is to toughen them up. Two a day practices in the summer heat will do wonders.”
The source then continued insisting that the concept of tethering a lineman had not been discussed. He then employed simple physics to his projected formula for success.
“A body in motion stays in motion while a body at rest stays at rest,” he smiled. “Many of our best prospects won’t be easy to move on the line. They will simply stay in one spot and take up room. Often that’s enough.”
Other teams have responded to the move and have begun examining sources of talent in their own regions.
“These consumers are so used to buying worthless junk that they cannot differentiate between credit and cash,” said an unidentified scout in Baltimore. “We hope this reality will translate into lucrative contracts on our end. After we pay off their credit cards and get them on the field we will know how to proceed.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Anasazi may have dined on venison
(Gunnison) Anasazi tribes who may well have resided along Fossil Ridge before real estate prices drove them to lower elevations, may have subsisted on venison stew. Artifacts discovered at locations such as Gunsight Pass and the East Fork of Adler Creek indicate that the Ancient Ones often relied on venison as a mainstay in their otherwise tedious diet of roots and berries.
Pottery and wood carvings found near ruins are often adorned with primitive images of herd animals and feasting, due to the inability to store meat for long. Jewelry, often created from deer and elk horns, points to this direct food chain as well according to scientists. Surviving shreds of clothing, although quite out of style by now, indicate the use of larger mammal hides.
“Prior to the introduction of corn and kinnikinnick these migratory stone agers probably fished in alpine lakes that dot the landscape,” said legendary archaeologist Dutch Gulch, for whom both Henry Mountain and Henry Lake are named. “We’ve found evidence in the form of discarded test line and salmon egg jars previously thought to be the trappings of much latter centuries.”
Researchers at the Rocky Mountain Biological Warfare facility at Gothic appear to be in concordance with these postulates saying that cave drawings often depict warriors chasing deer, and even elk.
“We presume that the Anasazi wanted to cook and eat these species,” said Anomie Judd of the Elkton Judds, for whom Judd Falls was named. “We know they ate rabbits and fowl due to the unearthing of fossilized fur and feathers in known settlement sites but frankly the practice of eating venison stew was a surprise to us.”
“It is not known if the Anasazi also consumed their wild game in chili or made jerky as early as 600 AD when these half-naked savages supposedly resided in these mountains,” said Gulch, “but be assured we are working on that aspect of the puzzle.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Excelsior to institute feedlot flights
(Nucla) Excelsior Comet, “The airline without chairs” is now offering a peasant class to passengers from Nucla to Naturita this spring. The experimental flights are priced at about half of existing economy class on most mainstream transports.
Although little else is known about the service, it is expected to be of he no frills variety. Daily jaunts are void of oxygen masks, parachutes and tiny bags of chemically induced pretzels and peanuts common to economy class.
“The innovative caste is quick and easy and gives economy travelers someone to look down upon,” said an executive baggage handler over in Naturita.
Excelsior retains the right to deny service to disruptive passengers but will no longer throw trouble makers out of its planes mid-flight.
The shuttle breakthrough reemphasizes the annoying mainstream airlines barrage of mindless, parrot-like announcements about smoking in bathrooms, approved electronic devices and appropriate life vest use over Nevada.
– Ophelia Fairheart
Enchanted Airport Escalator Sends Passengers Flying
(Colona) The county’s only known escalator “whacked out” during rush hour Friday sending unsuspecting passengers flying and their luggage suspended in the thin mountain air.
The incident, blamed on revenge hacking by computer techies on strike at Colona International Airport, resulted in surprisingly few injuries but set flight departures back three hours. The nightly party flight to Nucla was grounded with the full passenger load rerouted to Naturita.
Firemen rescued one commuter hanging from a phony wood beam rafters, while a family from Durango had to be rescued from a damaged security checkpoint that had somehow flooded during the mishap.
According to cyber loiterers on the scene the flowing mechanism halted abruptly then cracked, whirled, whined, bowed and sprung, hurling travelers high into the air.
“It was quite a spectacle,” said one retired cowboy who likened the experience to a mad mechanized bull gone mad.
Federal Aviation experts were quickly dispatched to observe the mess of tangled tread and disjointed escalator steps. None of these people was comfortable disabling rogue escalators and went to lunch.
Several told The Horseshoe that the near disaster had been caused by local cows trampling of cyber optic infrastructure. They promised to install coaxial fiber warning radar in an attempt to outsmart the bovine element.
Readers may recall a similar incident in 2016 when the airport’s main mezzanine fountain plugged up and exploded, sending high pressure spray and cookie-cutter debris all the way into town. After a thorough investigation it became clear that someone had flushed several rolls of toilet paper down in what was classified as a non-terrorist hate crime.
The aeronautic facility will be closed until the escalator is deboned, deprogrammed and pacified. Pedestrians are urged to take the stairs until further notice.
– Gerry Mander
DOW poised to rebrand “highway deer”
(Denver) The Colorado Division of Wildlife will be reclassifying many herd animals this month in preparation for summer viewing season. The personnel restructuring seeks to relocate often raggedy backwoods deer to areas closer to motorways while appointing the boring road deer to more remote spots where most tourists do not go.
“The idea is to place the more playful, acrobatic animals in full view of visitors keeping to the main arteries.,” said one DOW source.
“These are the deer tourists see while driving. We need them to do something besides stare and eat grass.”
The DOW feels that their wards in the mountains jump and play all the time but that the tourist does not venture far from the confines of tourist bubble coordinates and may have a diminished experience in Colorado.
“Besides creating a positive natural experience for city folk the project allows deer to see a little more of the world.”
Acknowledging that an increased safety hazard may lurk in the shadows of the program officials feel the deer will adapt to the newer surroundings and avoid busy highways.
“We’re not monkeying with migration patters, water sources or dropping animals in downtown Denver,” said the source. “We’re all in the entertainment business here in the Rockies and out summer guests love to see wildlife from the perceived safety of their vehicles.”
Elk, moose, bear and lion will not be affected by the move.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything.” – Joe Stalin
