All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
DOW Won’t Buy Bear Suits
The Colorado DOW will not purchase bear suits this summer.
The announcement comes as budget cuts dictate movements by the forest wardens. Most years (since 1951) the DOW has acquired bear suits from a local vendor so as to snoop on bruins in their natural habitat.
“Our findings have been remarkable but we still haven’t figured out what makes these monsters tick,” said Gabby Haze, a longtime state ranger in the Uncompahgre National Forest who works with law enforcement to identify bad bears who may be a problem down the road.
Haze went on to say that the bear always knew they were there snapping photos and measuring footprints.
“They just ignored us although, playing along with the charade. I remember once that an amorous female bruin took a shine to my partner Al. It was during making season and we had to transfer her heart’s delight to a desk job for the remainder of the summer.”
Another time a young cub mistook Betsy, our field engineer for his mother and wouldn’t go away. We finally found his angry mother and reunited the pair. Betsy, who has no children of her own, was devastated taking an extended sick leave. She now works only with hatchery fish who have no particular family ties.
“The main reason for the termination of the bear suit things is because it is degrading and stupid for a; parties. Rangers, say the experts, would be better off driving around in their green pickups dressed as people. Bear incidents are the same either way.”
How this decision will affect the local economy in nearby Pinkyville remains unclear. The town’s income, based on bear suit manufacturing is sure to suffer due to cutbacks here and in other regions.
“They haven’t ordered moose or elk outfits since 2015 and we don’t expect any new orders in the fox or fowl categories until the winter,” said a spokesman for Ed’s Furriers. “They say the agents were engaged in unnecessary risks climbing trees to observe eagles who saw them coming for miles.”
Ed’s plans to keep the finished suits in cold storage until new markets can be established. One veteran stitcher says “Halloween might save us, otherwise it will be a paltry winter for everyone in town.”
Authorities are on the lookout for an increase in poaching for some unknown reason.
– Muriel Armbruster
BUS ENTHUSIASTS FORM CLUB
(Gunnison) Local bus enthusiasts have organized the nation’s first bus club here according to a press release received this morning. The club, founded for promotion and preservation of bus-related culture, will attempt to educate the public while it combats common misgivings about this kind of travel.
In addition the club will be responsible for recording bus lingo and chronicling history of buses in the Western Slope region. Slide shows on the most recent technology and hints on making left turns will be presented each Friday night in the parking lot of at the former LaVeta Hotel on South Boulevard Street.
“We’ll be taking field trips to local fields and meeting the bus when it arrives on its daily trek from Pueblo and points beyond,” said Rolf Cramdose of Almont. “Why just the other day we had a bus right here in Gunnison that came all the way from Kansas City. Small world, heh?”
Members feel that the public will gain new perspectives into bus travel through the efforts described here.
“With the Congress dragging its feet on passing clear energy bills we could all soon be riding the bus,” smiled Cramdose. “We seek to educate and entertain the public while presenting bus travel in a positive light. Yet every day we sit and watch as rookies hold up the line looking for change or asking the driver stupid questions.”
– Gus Stoppe
Saint Roscoe Appears to Gamblers
(Black Hawk — “The 3.2 Sin Report” — 4 am in the summer, 2017)
The self-describe Patron Saint of TV Dinners and Tasteless Lawn Furniture, St Roscoe of Cahone, reportedly appeared to several low-stake gamblers here over the weekend. His muffled message: “Happy days are here again!”
That was it.
The supposed apparition, first seen at about ten in the morning in the lounge at the Dead Broke Casino by a Montrose man, Delbar Tinkleholland, hovered over the service bar then quickly moved out into the black jack section before landing feverishly to the quarter poker machines and then out an open window.
“This reminds me of a movie I saw once in grade school where three little kids and their alcoholic father worked in a hospital hauling lepers to and fro or something,” said a visibly shaken Tinkleholland. “He was wearing a sky-blue leisure suit and white deck shoes.”
One skeptic, Bardeen Pinzon of Golden, remains unconvinced.
“I’ve seen this same kind of action down at the Mega Churches. One night the reverend lifted off and went right through the roof,” she said. “It was once of those semi-domes but one of the righteous congregation forgot to open the top. It was messy but in a few days we had another brand new reverend to guide us through this life of sin.”
Pinzon then told a story of St Roscoe’s visit.
“I was sitting there at the black jack table with a king down and an eight up. The dealer appeared to be sitting on 20. Then, out of nowhere this Tinklholland fellow jumps across the table and starts screaming about a vision. He scared the hell out of me!”
Pinzon went on to say that the then lost her concentration, drew a five of hearts and went bust.
“I think someone should police these casinos more closely and keep the loose change out there in the parking lot,” she smiled.
Another Idaho Springs woman, who demanded animosity, said the whole affair was top-drawer, mindless, nightclub flash.
“He looked just like Wayne Newton. He was definitely Wayne Newton,” she drooled.
“I’ve seen him in Vegas. There’s no mistaking his voice.”
The scant credibility herein is linked to at least five gamblers referencing the blue suit and white shoes. Some 50,000 born again gamblers are expected this weekend although this pilgrimage may have little to do with St. Roscoe.
No photos survived the evening and parapsychologists from the Misty Mountains have been cautious as to sharing data.
– Susie Compost
“An army travels on it’s stomach and a newspaper travels on its liver.” – General US Wanamann, protesting last call at the Talk of the Clown Tavern, Lost Lake, Colorado.
Meteor Showers To Interrupt TV Reception
(Ouray) Swarms of flying sparks, perhaps fragments of the annual Lyrid or Eta Aquarid meteor showers, are blamed for the termination of TV reception here. According to astronomers the shooting stars recorded a direct hit on main satellite installations rendering television signals impotent and leaving screens blank and lifeless.
Residents have been asked to sit tight and read a book or talk to family members until the problem is corrected. Experts from as far away as Lookout Mountain expressed concern that this was not an isolated atmospheric intrusion.
“Although the attack was severe we expect to have the system up and running again by February of 2020,” said Raymond Markey, a gifted technician operating in the county.
Gluttony Replacing Travel in US
(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.
“It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency. “Comfort levels are easier to access at the dinner table than immigration counters or baggage claims.”
Toolski added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel a painful experience, especially for the round.
“And this is not some cheap joke about airline food either,” quipped Toolski.
POLKA, OLIVE OIL LIFE ENHANCING
(Gunnison) People who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State University here. The almost alarming results come as no surprise and the future painfully clear: We need more polka bands and need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees along the waterways and on the shores of Blue Mesa.
Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption often live beyond the age of 100. Low stress was also factored in to the formula.
Vagrant Strike Brings Denver Area To Its Knees
The Denver metro area is faltering in the second week of a strike called by vagrants and panhandlers. Busy intersections throughout the city are besieged by derelicts holding signs saying such things as “panhandler on strike,” “will not work for food,” or “Viet veteran now housed, please don’t help out.” Denver’s mayor, Michael Hancock has called the strike “the worst crisis for this city since Peña left.”
Boulder mayor, Suzanne Jones, called the begging stoppage “devastating to the Pearl Street Mall and the biggest threat to the diverse fabric of our community since our minorities moved out.”
Liquor stores and bars in the metro area are particularly hard hit and are requesting federal disaster funding.
Spokesmen for the striking vagrants explain the strike was called by local 22565 of the Amalgamated Vagrants International Union after panhandlers became disgusted with the meager amount of handouts being collected in the Denver area.
Said one panhandler, “I can stand all afternoon at a busy interchange and only collect $50. Hell, for that kind of money I would be just as well off working.”
Another vagrant explained, “It’s no picnic standing out in all types of weather holding that stupid sign. People obviously don’t appreciate the lengths we go to to make them feel better.”
Meanwhile federal arbitrators are negotiating with commuter representatives in an effort to avoid the regimen of mandatory handouts for beggars being demanded by the union. With no settlement on the horizon it’s looking like a long, hot summer on the streets in Denver.
