All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Reporter Jailed on Conspiracy Charges
(Montrose) Longtime lightweight Melvin Toole was arrested this afternoon and charges with passing sensitive security secrets to North Korean agents allegedlly encamped on the Uncompahgre River here. Toole, thought to be a pawn in the classic pincher movement, is being held without snacks or TV at the new Justice Center.
His lawyer has scheduled a press conference for the Cornhouse steps tomorrow at high noon.
According to prosecutors Toole was observed snapping pictures of top secret sites, in particular the clandestine Western Area Power Administration of the highly regarded Bureau of Land Reclamation on Rio Grande Avenue.
One eye witness, Emily Postmortemme, a BLM employee since before mood rings, accused Toole of exaggerated espionage and criminal mischief in trampling her petunias, which were planted in reclaimed soil during coffee breaks in April.
“I was just sitting at my desk staring out at the parking lot, like I do every afternoon, when I saw the alleged assailant pull into a handicapped space. He looked around to see that no one was watching and slithered onto the lawn where he began his photosensitive assault on one of our sacred institutions. With all the cops employed by this city it seems almost mathematically impossible that he could have sneaked onto this installation unchecked, but there is no end to the hideous initiative of these spy types.”
While falling short of describing Toole as a mastermind in the sphere of espionage, authorities did say they suspect that Toole is a kingpin in a massive undercover ring that has been selling sensitive secrets to foreign governments at local yard sales and auctions since the Eighties.
“This thing is bigger than we had first expected,” said one police officer. “It could stretch from Craig all the way to Durango. Now that we have incarcerated Toole we can begin investigating anyone else who has connections to the said area of operation. We’ll even interrogate federal employees and school children if that’s what it takes to solve the mystery. We have guns and mace and dogs too.”
A midnight roundup of foreign nationals along the Uncompahgre River netted police only two illegal aliens from Sonora, a sun worshipper from Silverton and three bags of assorted beer cans. Police have reportedly scheduled a Janet Renoesque raid on local RV strongholds in hopes of catching North Korean agents red-handed with the goods over the weekend.
“Just because we didn’t catch any of those dirty Communist North Koreans doesn’t mean their not here en masse,” said the investigating officer who demanded anonymity. Police reported that they did corral a Navajo hurling team from Tuba City on their way to a tournament in Meeker.
“We pulled them over at 1300 because they looked quasi-oriental,” said one officer, “and on suspicion of driving under the influence of an uncontrolled substance since their lights weren’t on. We would have liked to issue a summons since no one was wearing a seatbelt but our current safety laws don’t cover school buses.”
Meanwhile Toole insists he is innocent of all charges with the possible exception of violating the constitutional rights a handicapped parking space.
“Constitutional rights, heh?” quipped the officer. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned after my two weeks on the job and my three weeks in training it’s that when they start mouthing this constitutional hubbub there’s a card-carrying commie in the woodpile.”
Although attorneys for the accused have taken a recreational approach to the defense of their client, they expressed confidence that the entire matter will be sorted out in quart sometime next year.
“Mr. Toole was well within his rights to photograph the BLM building. If another party then flattered him by wanting to buy the photo that is legal too. We all know how arrogant artists can be and Toole is no different.”
Claims that North Korea wanted the picture so as to steal secrets regarding land management were discounted by the lawyers as poppycock.
– Rocky Flats
Cereal blamed for demise
(Pea Green) Too many choices in the cereal aisle, not overpopulation or pollution, has been blamed for the demise of Western Culture according to a ten-year study completed here this week.
After intense debate by social scientists, soccer moms and academians urban stress, the breakdown of family and overgrazing were listed as major components of the malady. Alcohol and illegal drug abuse, economic disparity, television and the lack of water rounded out the frightening roster.
“We don’t know what this means,” admitted Dr Efram Pennywhistle Dean of Wheat at Pea Green Academy, “which is in keeping with the tabulations of our other tedious studies since the Civil War. We’re not looking to take the gloves off with Tony the Tiger or mix it up with Snap, Crackle and Pop but the results are conclusive,” he burped.
Critics of the academy say participants in the study have sugar-coated statistics with regard to social ills and drown legitimate findings with the aid of the dairy industry.
“They’re all a bunch of flakes,” said Captain Crunch, a retired bore hero who now represents Ralston-Furina. “Are they really including icons like Quaker Oats and Kellog’s Corn Flakes on their hit list?”
Pennywhistle admitted his team may have been caught with egg on their faces with this premature announcement.
“We should have waited until the lunch line died down to release our findings,” he flinched. “Maybe they expected us to spoon feed them on this one.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
State Plans 60 New Scenic Views by Fall
(Denver) Strategists here have decided to grace the state with more than 60 new scenic viewing pull-offs on Highways 50, 550 and 135 it was disclosed this morning.
The new construction is expected to hold up traffic for seven months despite the fact that most of the work is being done off-road. Crews from as far away as Mack will begin preliminary dozing as early as June 15.
“We plan to include bathrooms in the more upscale views,” said one planner and recognized brains behind the effort. “When we’re done it oughta be damned panoramic around here!”
The scenic views are said to be repayment for all of the water stolen by Front Range communities since the 50s.
“It’s all very politically correct,” said Toole. “I love the smell of asphalt going down on a hot road. When we’re all done we’ll have scenic views looking on to other scenic views.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Reader Survey Results
(Continued from page 5)
and some 45% of them suggested we move the entire operation over to Utah.
On the subject of electoral projections a majority of respondents said that rather than scan the small print they’d just as soon wait until the movie came out.
Of the 145,000 responses 9500 were written on the back of butcher’s paper and 15,000 were scribbled over discarded grocery lists which leads our editorial board to surmise that our readers are eating well. When asked what paper they preferred to procure in normal a fish and chips exchange the Horseshoe Was a distant third to the Grit and the Sunday Denver Post.
A striking response has emerged from the pet category wherein over 90% of our respondents say they have a new puppy in the house. A paltry 8% had exotic birds and 6 were house painters who didn’t like animals. A conclusive number of those surveyed insisted that their IQs were far above average and that family trees stretched all the way back to the Mayflower (the moving company no doubt).
In the social circle a surprising 78% said they favored more photos of hangings and fewer pictures depicting senior citizen nudity than before.
Source: Big Wampum Flea Markets dba Testosterone Brothers Independent Consultants
LOCAL RANCHERS TO START HAY CROP INDOORS
(Gunnison) Due to shifting weather patterns ranchers here will start their hay crop indoors in 2018. The plan, the brainchild of a rural alfalfa cadre, suggests that the hay crop be planted in small pots and placed in sunny window spots in March.
Whether or not the use of trellises and synthetic fertilizer will be employed was not clarified. Although some ranchers have been hesitant to embrace the indoor growing concept most have agreed to give it a try.
“I’ve been stubborn about changing the way I grow hay,” said Gabby Crispe, who irrigates 2000 acres near Baldwin, “but this tomato plant approach to hay makes sense. Over the years I’ve seen drought and flooding and wind and unseasonable frost take their toll. If it ain’t wet weather when the hay’s on the ground it’s low water when we need more irrigation,” he added. “It’s nothing but a shooting gallery when we count on nature to do our bidding.”
Crispe went on to say that of late nature has been a little lax when it comes to helping the rancher.
After the initial steps of planting and nurturing the infant hay crop ranchers will then transplant the seedlings into the pasture and start the irrigation process just like before.
“Only this time the hay will be a month or two ahead of schedule allowing, with any luck, another cutting or two in the fall,” said an agricultural consultant from Weld County. “Over here we have to be very careful with regards to our image with the recent upheavals.”
The disruption, alluded to above, concerns recent squabbling over water rights, saddle sores and grazing on public lands. The conflict reached heated dimensions last month with the seizure of downtown Greeley by vegetarian paratroopers under Simone Tofu, the hero of Head Cheese Hollow. Although the vegetarians have agreed to negotiations, strategic highlands remain in their hands following a frontal assault my elements of the breakaway Downwind Boys, much feared olfactory ruffians from nearby Ault.
“What in the sam’s hell are you talking about?” asked Emma Vulcan, a longtime Gunnison Valley beekeeper and quasi-animal husbandry technician. “First, you talk about growing hay in little pots in the window then about military actions by armed vegetarians over on the prairie. I was just in Greeley last weekend and everything looks the same as it has since Horace was a boy. I used to believe what I read in this paper but now I’m leaning toward the Gunnison Country Times for my information,” she frowned.
According to sources at Cheyenne Mountain, which does not really exist and all, the town of Greeley was sacked on June 21 in a classic pincher movement by the Down Wind Boys.
“That was one of the finest martial maneuvers in Prehysteric America! Since Washington crossed the Delaware! Since the formation of the IRS!” said General Worthington Bulbous from his half-bath logistic proximity Colorado Springs bunker. “If I had ten men of that caliber I could retake the Panama Canal, maybe even Canada!”
Meanwhile clay pot shortages and further rumors as to the legalization of hemp growing in the region have fallen victim to fears of herd cleansing in the aftermath of alleged Greeley atrocities.
– Earl MacAdoo
