All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"

Fish Alarmed by Cyclical Drought

Turncoat trout and Cock-eyed salmon have filed a lien on Colorado Department of Snow and Raindrops stipulating that docks and levees do not comply with drought specifications. The two species, along with longtime whipping boys, the rainbows, natives and browns, are demanding first water rights in the event of a drought.

Sources linked to water usage say the demands, disguised as a passing concern by some, are unfathomable and that the fish need to get a grip. They reminded voters that water storage costs money and the budget was stretched beyond belief.

“We can’t get a grip for them,” explained one DOW source. “They are far too slippery.”

Colorado fish pay no taxes and create a documented strain our social resources. Fiscal conservatives along with liberals suggest that the DOW divert funds from license sales to help the needy in rivers and streams. These pleas seem to have fallen on deaf ears.

Of corpse counseling is available but there are cultural and linguistic barriers to contend with and often the limbless, cold-blooded vertebrates bring a bad attitude to the sessions.

“They all think they are the Big Fish when in fact they are insignificant whiners, said one local angler who baits his own hook and makes hush puppies in his bathtub.

“These slimy bastards think they have a right to water just because they have dorsal fins,” said a CDSR spokesman who commented off the record. They have even threatened to sabotage our crumbling infrastructure. Maybe we should start jailing trouble makers and undesirables under the Zero Tolerance Act like they do over at the War on Drugs agency.”

Private prisons have expressed little interest in including fish or animals of any kind in their prison population. Issues such as security and violence in the exercise yard are blamed for that hesitancy, even though an increased inmate count could be quite lucrative. The lack of legs and arms appears to be the dilemma.

“Very few of these creatures smoke anything or drive drunk so we have no means of punishing them for unpatriotic meanderings,” said the spokesperson. “I wish that people would stay in their homes and fish would stay in the water. Our gov’ment is doing the best it can do and doesn’t need rebellious input,” he gasped. “If the fish don’t like it here in America maybe they should swim to Mexico or Canada.”

– Uncle Pahgre

CANE LICENSE DEADLINE LOOMS

(Montrose) People carrying canes here have until Thursday to procure licenses for same or face stiff fines. Whether a citizen is using the cane as a tool, a crutch, a walking stick or simply an accessory he must comply with the new regulation.

Critics of the law say it is just another step toward a national ID card. They say that although the card is presented as necessary security against illegal aliens and terrorists it is just another attempt by the control freaks to look up your dress/down your shorts.

“I’d prefer trainloads of illegal immigrants in my backyard rather than have an ID number stenciled on my forehead,” said Rocky Flats, a semi-retired atomic scientist and frequent cane user from Olathe. “I’m gonna use my cane and I’m not gonna buy no damn license. Them that gets in my way wanting to see credentials will get a close up look at my walking stick, you betcha.”

A free-lance gov’ment source defended the action.

“We don’t want to get involved in people’s personal lives, no sireee…We just want to defuse a potentially explosive scenario before it becomes a life threatening situation,” smiled Suzanne Compost of the Committee for Public Safety.

“What with all those baby boomers hitting senior status we expect to see more people using canes. In fact, we estimate that cane use will all but double by the year 2022.”

Compost went on to deny rumors that the feds will patrol older neighborhoods checking paperwork, even kicking canes out from under elderly people who choose to ignore the law.

“That’s ridiculous,” she quipped. “Some of those old farts carry mace, bite and have mean cats. Why would we jeopardize the safety of our people? We can just wait till these criminals take a nap on a park bench, lay their canes down at the local cafeteria or go to pick up their sociable security checks at the mailbox, then we simply the seize the illegal cane.”

The AARP, the ACLU, Reader’s Digest, the manufacturers of Viagra and several prune juice processing plants have promised to appeal the new legislation.

– Uncle Pahgre

Bloom’s Day Observances Set Around Globe

(Dublin) They’ll be wearing boater hats in Rio de Janeiro, sporting parasols in Seville, dressed in bloomers in Nairobi and draped in Edwardian stripe jackets in Paris. Some will be riding antique bicycles while others will be reading aloud passages from Ulysses on street corners.

On Bloom’s Day, June 16, James Joyce fans all over the world will, in their own whimsical ways, once again pay homage to Leopold Bloom, hero of Joyce’s story set on June 16, 1904 in Dublin.

The novel, called the greatest piece of fiction of the 20th Century, begins at 7 Eccles Street in Dublin town with Leopold Bloom, an advertising salesman, and his wife Molly frying up sheep kidneys for breakfast. It then follows Bloom as he negotiates the streets of the city 1113 years ago.

Participants from Zurich to London remember Bloom’s epic journey, a blueprint of Dublin at the turn of the last century, with a glass of Burgundy, mock turtle soup and a Gorgonzola sandwich for lunch (if in Dublin) at Davey Byrnes Pub on Duke Street (or perhaps Mulligan’s Pub over on Poolbeg). That’s where Leopold Bloom stopped to eat and later drink on that day.

Then the Dublin Bloom’s Dayers will most likely gather at the Ormand Hotel for another Guinness. That’s the place Bloom was tempted by the barmaids/sirens.

In Ulysses, Joyce’s love-hate relationship with Dublin, Bloom wanders the eccentric streets of one of Europe’s most fascinating cities. Today his groupies attempt to replicate his experience. If this kind of things sounds good to you connect to an Aer Lingus flight out of Denver. Slainte!

AROUND COLORADO

Journalist wed at Coors

(Denver) Melvin O’ Toole and Belle Toole were married last night somewhere left of center at Coors Field. The happy couple were congratulated by friends and the 35,000 Rockies’ fans in attendance.

Immediately following the ceremony Mel announced that he would drop the O preceding his surname if his new bride would drop all pretension about the evening.

“I saw her eyeballing the young pitching staff they have out here,” quipped Toole. “She has a wandering eye and a frightening sinker but its the curve ball that landed this sailor.”

Then, just as the couple had guzzled their third beer, O’ Toole (now Toole) was hit in the forehead with a line drive and required medical attention. After an instant replay camera was consulted it became apparent that Toole had not interfered with play and he was allowed to remain in the stands. Fortunately it was only a flesh wound and he was right back up at the bratwurst stand by the third inning. He plans to go on the DL list after the couple’s first spat, scheduled for October. Good luck to all!

Spatial Profiling Irritates Obese

(Malfunction) The nation’s “large” have filed a suit against the Malfunction Police Department claiming officers there discriminate against people of girth. The complaint details repeated occasions where police have pulled people over just because they are overweight. Attorneys for the corpulent say the practice of spatial profiling is to blame for the mistreatment.

“This is unconstitutional,” said Morgan Ample, of Fruita. “The cops are singling us out because we’re different. By percentage, plump people don’t commit any more crime than the skinny ones do, yet I don’t see the cops harassing them.”

“If I observe a 300-pound driver high centered on the highway I will damn well pull him/her over,” said one cop who asked not to be identified. “It’s a dangerous situation not to mention the wear and tear on the road. I have nothing against obese people of any race, color or creed.”

An official police department spokesman refrained from comment on the matter.

BLM Forfeits Rights To Sagebrush

(Gunnison) A federal judge today ruled that the Bureau of Land Management was no longer custodian of over 340,000 square miles of sagebrush that currently calls Colorado home. The action came after several mistrials and appeals on the part of the gov’ment.

“Sadly enough the BLM was spending more time driving around in its monster pickups than adhering to the needs of the sagebrush population,” said Judge Roy Entwhistle in his final statement. “The entire crop was in bad shape, covered in dust, unable to get ample water in the dry months, left out to freeze in the flatlands during the winter.”

Saying he favored a mandatory banishment for mistreatment of nature, Entwhistle succumbed to public pressure and let the BLM off with a light probation. The orphan sagebrush will be adopted by private ecological groups, funded by the idle rich, and nursed back to health.

In a related case the same federal agency is under fire for its treatment of prairie dogs, skunks, mosquitoes, flies and sage hens. If convicted the entire work force could be disbanded, the species in question moved to foster care in Wyoming and New Mexico.

“I’m glad we have this matter behind us,” said Entwhistle. “It’s far better than having it in front of us.”

Dionysus to speak at Pavilion

(Montrose) Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and fertility will speak at the Montrose Pavilion on July 31. Undressing the subject of public mood of late the famous god is expected to lay out a plan of action along the lines of his creative/intuitive power.

“People aren’t happy like they used to be,” said Dionysus when contacted at his home in Crete by this very newspaper. In the United States the situation is chronic. We think it’s all that creeping Puritanism and the greed.”

Dionysus suggested that people take their heads out of their butts and look at the bigger picture examining the benefits of orgiastic religion, the fertility of nature and continuous wine tasting.

“The Greeks followed my advice and that culture persevered for thousands of years,” said the god. “What has happened in the U.S. is mind boggling.”

Women wins lottery, gives cash to cats

(Norwood) Murial Armbruster used to live on cans of tuna and tins of condensed milk which she shared with all the stray cats in the neighborhood. Now, days after winning 4.3 million in the Colorado Legal Lottery, she’s eating lobster and most of the local cats are rich.

That’s because she gave away all of her winnings to the kitties.

“I set up little trust funds for the cats so that they would never have to go without again,” she sighed. “I could have given it to my relatives but they’re all just a bunch of drunks and would waste the money on alcohol and fast cars.”

Armbruster said it made her feel good that the cats still roam the neighborhood, begging food and a place to sleep, just as if nothing had happened.

“The dumb bastards don’t even know they’re rich, she cackled.

The wealthy winner has moved her double-wide to the sunny side of Grand Avenue and has even purchased a small plot of land (loaded with rodents) on Norwood Hill for her charges.

“OK, so I didn’t get so much as a card of thanks from any of them but in their own way they have shown that they are grateful.”

Excelsior Resumes Flights

(Sapinero) Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs” has resumed a roster of popular domestic flights as of this weekend promising to continue to provide fine upstairs service at bargain basement prices.

Included on the daily flight schedule through Labor Day are: Nucla to Naturita (10 am and 10 pm), Ophir to Gladstone (12:30), Colona to Paradox (3 pm and 5 pm) and Pea Green to Peach Valley (8 am and 8 pm).

The much publicized Sunday morning champagne flight from Bostwick Park to Cimarron was temporarily suspended when it became apparent that the plane had been piloted by two six-year-olds who did not possess proper credentials. According to insiders the two managed to see over the control panel by sitting on copies of the San Juan Horseshoe.

“The kids did a great job,” smiled Answan McDermitt, president of Excelsior. “The real reason we stopped making the trek was that we couldn’t find a source for fresh oysters and horseradish.”

ALMOST, COULD HAVE AND MIGHT HAVE NEWS

The following stories have been included in this issue even though they fell inches short of qualifying as legitimate occurrences. Although the concept seems silly, our editorial elders felt that even these scant facts here deserved to be reported.

NUGGETS ALMOST WIN ONE

(Denver) The salmagundi of aspiring young athletes, known as the Denver Nuggets almost won a game recently, narrowly falling to the Boston Celtics. The patchwork team, led by an ambitious front line of anonymous warm bodies, came within 10 points of victory. A stingy defense showed signs of life in the third quarter. The game, which was tied 26 times, finally was wrestled away by the Celtics who scored 12 unanswered buckets in the fourth quarter.
The Nuggets are in the severe stages of rebuilding after losing several top players to free agency and frustration.

Escaped Prisoners Could Be Heroes to Some

(Pueblo) Convicts who successfully escape from prison could represent heroes to a twisted segment of the population. That’s what the Department of Corrections contends after apprehending three such inmates Friday.

The jailbirds, who eluded authorities for three days while hiding in the Shivaree Swamps east of here were greeted with cries of “Huzzah!” as they boarded paddy wagons to take them back to their cells.

Authorities here fear that the overtaxed, shell-shocked populace is having trouble distinguishing between the cops and the robbers.

“They think these thugs are some kind of Robin Hoods,” said one officer who is under investigation for extortion in a non-related case.

Mushrooms Might Have Saved Life

(Norwood) Eating mushrooms might have saved the life of a Placerville woman lost in the Edith Bunker National Forest for over a week in early May. Had it not been for the peanut butter sandwiches and carrot s she had brought along she might have fought off hunger with the fleshy fungi.

Carefully picking edible mushrooms the unidentified lass accentuated her otherwise drab cuisine until rescuers found her on the third floor of a Chinese elm late last night.

Toole Almost Wins Senate Seat

(Washington) Journeyman scribe Melvin Toole came close to winning a senate seat yesterday although he campaigned only from his bear claw bathtub in suburban Virginia.

In fact, as the details of political jousting become clear, Toole was never a legal candidate having been born naked in Canada in 1937.

Experts are convinced that Toole’s excellent showing has a lot to do with voter apathy and a sense of distance with the powers that continue to govern.

The seat itself was a crushed velour with gargoyle trim featuring oak trim and a curious mephitis common to the notorious public restrooms of the Menshevik Period.

Toole had no comment having fallen asleep during the returns.

Hopped Up Teens Just About Wreck Colona

(Montrose) Beer guzzling teens from up the street came close to sacking the tiny fishing village of Colona Wednesday. The fracas seems to have been the result of infighting over a spelling bee held in downtown Cahone last March.

The scoundrel element smashed windows, spit on the street and dodged semis on Highway 550. Later in the evening local fire departments were unable to keep them from the more fashionable neighborhoods of East Colona and Grog Hill Mesa where the disturbance reached epidemic levels.

Hurricane May Have Leveled Bingo Hall

(Grand Junction) Hurricane Rick may have been responsible for the total loss of Oil of Olathe Bingo Complex on 35298844 Road here. According to authorities the 400 mile-per-hour winds of Rick could have “hurled a two-bit tart from a tuna boat Thursday.”

Of course, as we all know by now, Hurricane Rick, and most of the killer bee population, never had an impact this far north. The county coroner has sighted natural causes in the disaster, either that or planetary suicide, depending on a out-of-body skin graph experiment scheduled for the weekend.

Rick was not held since that would be vistually impossible.

Compiled by Suzie Compost

Anti-Solar Demonstrations Rock New York

An estimated 200 demonstrators blocked traffic and upset rush hour in Manhattan and Brooklyn today advocating the construction of more coal-generated nuclear plants and condemning further government research in the field of solar and wind generated energy.

The crowd, a mixture of tattooed businessmen and blue-collar professionals blended with all night disc jockeys union and an assortment of neighborhood toughs looking for someone to stomp.

The philistine assemblage soon began throwing rocks at the sun and shouting, “No Rays!”

Insiders blame the disturbance on poorly informed Fox News personnel who have continually warned that the adoption of solar energy will kill jobs while building petro nuclear power plants is good for the economy.

Actually the reverse is true,” said sociologist studying the behavior of mobs. “Today there are more than twice as many people employed in the solar industry than in the coalfields.”

“Damn the facts,” said one angry believer. “Those solar types would have you believing that the sun is free.”

Citing dangers in solar expansion such as sunburn and an overabundance of chlorophyll, the demonstrators jeered at anyone who did not visibly support them. One angry demonstrator challenged his adversaries to explain what they intended to do with potentially hazardous solar waste materials.

Some statements just don’t deserve a response, no matter how juvenile it might be,” said a solar enthusiast from Connecticut.

An entertainment venue, aimed at drawing supporters from the commuter throng, completely missed its mark. Although the wildly popular Chase Manhattan String Band (“There Goes the Sun” and “You Aren’t My Sunshine”) swooned Union Square, a slim crowd was estimated to be no more than 20 people, and some of those may have been waiting for the uptown bus to the Bronx.

The situation threatened to turn violent as pro-solar militias began surrounding the hapless demonstrators, cut off from their fellows by more than improprieties.

Suddenly a grueling late afternoon sun made its way across the wet, tepid sky driving participants, demonstrators, militias and bystanders into the shade for some relief from the heat.

Meanwhile in Ulster County two mounted loonies have reportedly been attacking windmills in some twisted solidarity with the whole affair.

– Estelle Marmotbreath