All Entries Tagged With: "Sex with porn stars now acceptable?"

“I probably had it coming”

With Uncle Pahgre

Sitting in the fading light of Rio Sucio, Colombia (an ultra-charming spot, despite the name) looking at pines anchored by palm trees and thinking about Colorado. With me is a 37-year-old parrot named Edgar, who finally stopped yelling “Martha!” when I agreed to join him on the veranda. Then he simply muttered Martha over and over again in a detached grovel and  diluted decibel. Colombians need parrots around just in case things should get dangerously silent for a mill-second, a totally unacceptable and awkward state of affairs. Unbridled quiet could lead to whispers or even the loss of face in this warm, albeit high pitch culture. Parrots insure that the noise levels will remain intact even during siesta.

Nutabe Hypoglyphics, believed to have been brought to the US by a Colombian anthropologist in 2016 foretell the arrival of a pagan saint named Flimflamm, a narcissistic demagogue originating from what appears to be a Queens or Beans or maybe Liens. The remainder of the writing is smeared and looks to have been altered. On the bottom there is a clear line of ascendency from privileged birth to stolen erections.

Talks of the Great Ohio Pox and whether or not it is sinful for the leader of the free world to copulate with a porn star while his wife was (presumably at home) pregnant. Isn’t this exactly what these pseudo-religious  ruffians say exemplifies all that is wrong with the nation? Weird?

Meanwhile we buttonholed JD Vance*:

Horseshoe: So do you think it’s OK to have sex with a porn star while one’s wife is home pregnant?

Vance: It depends if it happens in Kentucky or Ohio.

*Vance, of no relation to Cyrus Vance, is firmly against inoculations with the exception of his own serum.

Just in: Be advised that tattoos of all kinds, no matter how small and meaningless, remain banned in heaven, its territories and possessions. This includes any pen-work, crayon, water-color, facsimile, impression, or etching, even religious ones. People with tattoos on their soul will be detained for questioning by the Being Police and subject to cloud-sharing and weekends in Purgatory. The anti- tattoo action was drummed into a permanence despite the absence of a quorum which might have included saints and sinners. Theologic historians are of the opinion that since tattoos are not mentioned, even once, in Christian-Judaeo Bibles they have no eternal function. “We don’t know much,” twirled one leading academia, “but we’re pretty sure none of the Apostles exhibited even a faded trace of “Mom”. There were unlikely any arm and chest murals in ink, or traditional biker nostalgia. If you don’t buy that just look at the painting of the Last Supper,” said one source at a pagan university a few miles away.

Dems y GOP flock to persuade the only undecided voter in the country that they deserve this final vote. The last remaining voting booth holdout, Phil A. Busterfeld, cannot make up his mind. “We never had this material in high school civics,” he cried. “Red ties or designer pants suits? Like who are their favorite football teams and what do they eat for lunch?

Information Roundup: Horses evolved in the Americas around four million years ago, but by about 10,000 years ago, they had mostly disappeared from the fossil record, per accepted conversation. Spanish settlers likely first brought horses back to the Americas in 1519, when Hernán Cortés arrived on the continent in Mexico.

Now friendlies? NFL shady attempts to sell the pre-season games as friendlies taking a cue from the futbal/soccer world. There is nothing friendly about assassins dressed up in helmets and brightly colored uniforms colliding while the gouged and drooling coliseum mob goes ballistic.

THAT’S A LOT OF BLACK ON ASPHALT Colorado’s morbid license plates should be on a funeral cavalcade at the rear end of a hearse on the way to the grave. What happened to the green? Did it stroll the way of the Rockies’ clown uniform? Is the black aimed at promoting the dead-in-the-water coal industry? Did the meat men buy the rights to the mountains silhouetted against the green? These black license plates are Raideresque at best and I don’t like it one iota!

Translating Trumpese

Attacks on others saying they are doing exactly what The Donald and his minions are engaged in, but turned up a notch. For example: Trump says election was stolen: definition pro-Trump county officials were caught tampering with voting machines.

Crime is rampant: defined-crime was worse on my watch because I wasn’t paying attention to anything that didn’t benefit ME.

Putin likes me: Putin thinks I am a roll-over doll.

We support Israel: It’s easier to funnel campaign contributions into my businesses if we love the Israelis no matter what they do to the Palestinians.

Make American Great Again: The wealth of this country must remain in the hands of the wealthy so the poor do not spend all that cash just surviving.

Liberal propaganda: Anything that does not benefit Trump and his leagues of loyal toadies.

We will build a border wall: to keep out vile criminals like ourselves who look different. Definition: We will do nothing but talk, bilk our supporters and stoke the fear.

-compiled by Tommy Middlefinger