All Entries Tagged With: "satire"
Optimists Report Surge in Membership
(Norwood) The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club had whittled itself down to two dues paying affiliates during the winter. Then one of them was deported to Grand Junction. The situation looked bleak or is that bleek?
One member was not enough to maintain the charter or pay expenses. It wasn’t even enough to reach a quorum or host the Bedrock Earth Ring Symposium. Something had to be done. People risked losing a vital civic contribution from a solid organization that has been around since 1901 or so.
As one later president remembers it: “Then the toilet got stopped up and the pipes froze, the fox got into the hen house, the tires on the snowplow truck went flat, the wood is too green to burn and mighty wet. It was like putting lipstick on figs.”
That’s when the last member standing, Olde “Man” Pritchard, started serving free drinks at the meetings.
“I could still hear the ice tinkling in the glasses,” said new Optimist, Rufus Maxwell. “Then I watched as new members lined up, signed up and paid their annual dues in cash. I couldn’t believe it.”
Tonight, with a confirmed brotherhood of 26, the Disappointment Optimist Club is thriving. The fraternal organization even hopes to rescue its insignia happy face round table and regimental colors from the Naturita Poke ’N Pawn before the end of the month.
The Optimists still need a place to meet, a gavel, some folding chairs and buckets of ice.
“We will always need more ice,” said one new member. “It is our cross to bear.”
“The hospitality shown by brother Pritchard was above and below the call of duty,” said a specially prepared release. “Tomorrow night we plan to offer free gasoline, a tea dance and tax counseling,” said the statement. “That should bump us up to 100 members, a milestone that will qualify us for matching funds from the exiled government in Cahone and a discount at the Yellow Rock.”
Meanwhile old men with caps and canes in villages all over the world stare at arriving buses as if they had never seen such a brazen display of cutting edge technology.
– Susie Compost
“Stand up (to his wavering troops). They couldn’t shoot an elephant from this distance!” – General John Sedgewick, moments before being shot in the face in Spotsylvania County, Virginia May 9, 1864. He had the dubious distinction of being the highest-ranking Union soldier to be killed in the American Civil War.
Toilet Paper Giants To Meet
(Montrose) CEOs from the nation’s ten largest toilet paper manufacturers are slated to meet here next month to discuss the future of the industry. Along with their extended entourage the visitors will bring along over 1000 support personnel. The economic impact is expected to be felt all the way to Colona.
The consortium of sorts is heralded as a great triumph for a multitude of tax-funded economic development committees active in the region. In addition to wiping away many years of antagonism among the principles, the three-day conference is expected to tackle the issue of hemp replacement options as well as concerns over hygiene in developing countries.
“This is a major breakthrough in trade, production and inter-commerce,” said Dolly Sans-Paddle, CEO of Waste Not Want Not, headquartered over in Dung Creek. “The age of political correctness, hydraulics and curious sound bytes has caught us with our pants down and we must be ready to flush our antiquated approach at a moment’s notice. It is no longer sufficient to put the seat up, or down as the case may dictate.”
Sans-Paddle further warned that social media has created an abundance of synthetic fecal matter that is overtaxing our already wobbly infrastructure, especially where the sun don’t shine.
“And no, we don’t like the new driverless toilets either,” she continued, “but they are here to stay and we must respond quickly and efficiently. We must diversify. Failure to perceive the future could easily send many of our loyal customers back to the bucket or the car wash.
Insiders told the local media that specific topics to be addressed at the summit would not be released and that the group was quite secretive with regards to its business. Preliminary crews should start to roll in by early June.
-Paula Parvenu
Queen Ends Tour, Reneges On Treaty
England’s Queen Elizabeth II, recently returned home from a tour of the United States, announced to Parliament yesterday that she is immediately taking steps toward the revocation of the 1783 Treaty of Paris and reclaiming all lands and territories ceded by that document.
The Queen told Parliament that the clandestine purpose of her trip to the United States was to conduct an on-site inspection to determine whether or not the colonists and provincials had as yet developed the county to a condition where it would be worth bothering with. She claimed that such had not been the case when she briefly toured America in 1959, and she had not taken action at that time.
Although she stated that she was still hesitant concerning the matter, she had decided that the nation had reached its apex of civilization and is now rapidly declining back to a state of barbarism. For that reason she felt this is the proper time to reinstate the guiding hand of British refinement through the introduction of a legal ploy masterminded by the royal family as far back as 1820.
Her Majesty’s claim to the previously owned territories is base upon a statement that her great-great-great grandfather was not in complete control of his faculties at the time the Treaty was signed. The truth of this statement is partially borne out by the fact that the former king, George III, was deposed while still alive, and a regency under his son, George IV, was set up to govern the empire. The cause of the king’s removal form the throne has always been cited as madness, which Elizabeth II believes will give her a legal claim to her family’s former possessions.
The Queen stated that she will petition the World Court, and if the treaty is invalidated there will be a general changing of boarders in a worldwide reshuffling of world power. Co-signatories of the document included France, Spain, the Netherlands and the United States, and the action resulted in considerable switching of land ownership in 1783. The first four ratifying countries were major world powers at the time of the agreement, and the other has risen to such prominence since.
The major impact of the Treaty’s revocation will be felt on the mid-North American continent, where the four countries were at the time squabbling over dominion of vast tracts of land. If the Queen’s claim is upheld, what is now known as the United States will be divided between three of the other nations. England will regain sovereignty from the East Coast to the Appalachians, Spain the area from the West Coast to the Rockies, and France all the remaining territory in between.
Although the United States was only one of the signers of the Treaty, that country will apparently be the only one to fight against the Queen’s action. According to Rutgers News Service, the three beneficiaries are eagerly anticipating the recovery of their domains, as well as looking forward to an expected influx to their respective treasuries when they will be able to demand some two hundred years back taxes, with accrued interest. The other involved country, the Netherlands, as usual claimed neutrality.
It was not clear how the development could affect the remaining Native American tribes living on the continent.
– Paul Mahl
Robot Wins Liar’s Poker Finals
(Onion Hall) In a frightening genetic passage, TeeTerrific, a perky gynoid robot, has soundly defeated incumbent Flemm Finn in the World Championship Liar’s Poker Cup held here this passed weekend.
Tee, created by Epson Futures, runs on solar energy and compost material. She is always smiling and requires no sleep.
Flemm a meat trimmer from Rasher Road over in Milk Marie runs on beer and processed food.
Intimidated into folding with four aces in his hand, the shaky Finn promised to give up gambling and spend more time drinking. TeeTerrific spent the rest of the evening stuffing money into her jeans like he saw in the robot-friendly Striptease with Demi Moore.
The tournament, which will be held again in 2023, was created in 1720 so as to bring attention to the plight of serfs employed by the Currency Cabbage Exchange that are still forced to sleep out at temperatures below eighty degrees in order to protect herds of cotton bearing coyotes from flash flooding. Sure they are.
We’re no fools. We know what they are really doing.
A strict invitational, the competition features 128 players that are soon whittled down to 2. The idea is to lie about your poker hand based on the numbers coded on the bill, and then sell your pinocchio bill of goods to the other players who are also busy lying to you and everyone else.
The biggest liar standing takes the cash.
“It is truly terrifying and people should be alarmed that a robot could understand the intricacies, subtleties and sandy sense of selflessness that untruths can bring,’ said a founder of the popular tournament. “We thought the game was bullet-proof if for no other good reason than nobody was shooting at it.”
This is the first time anyone but a white male has ever won the match.
– Evelyn Marmotbreath
Where is everyone?
The empty bench on Elk Avenue bids goodbye to winter. April in Crested Butte means lots of parking spaces and the remnants of the snow that once was and will be again.
