All Entries Tagged With: "satire"
KIOSK
Reunion: All of those who were barred or 86th from Red’s Gravy Heaven for bad behavior between the years of 1979 and 2019 are cordially invited to a reunion. RSVP, LSMFT. No Irish. Manana’s only Smoke House Vegan Bar and Grill. Come meet the new owners.
Locally distilled gin, smooth, cures neurosis, grows hair, breaks down superstition. Pix of distiller Harry “Himself” Juniper-Bushe. The gate is open. Mind the bulls.
(All the chatter about so many new distilleries opening up…promises to relieve side affects of old age, neutralize simple mental illness and cure baldness by the application of an ancient remedy involving the square root of 2/3. What can one make of it?)
Help wanted: Three strong laborers to help dig up buried news stories from the nation’s past. Security provided. Good grammar essential. Drones and Diggers, Whitewater.
Deadline to apply for Colorado Celebrity Status is Feb 15, 2020. Be sure to mark seasonal on your application. Last chance to separate yourself from the peasantry for next summer’s juried events.
TWENTY OF THE BEST USES FOR LEFTOVER FRUITCAKE
It’s August. Do you know where last December’s fruit cake is? We chose 20 of our favorites from the recently released 10,000 Uses For Fruit Cake by Macon (Ga.) Bros. Press. Here they are:
1. Soft, absorbent airport runways and circuit boards for computerized baggage claim systems
2. Spongy, once-edible lifts for shoes
3. Decorative moss Mediterranean fireplace grout
4. Trail tofu kibble for small herd animals
5. Mediterranean house trailer skirting
6. Throw-away windshield scraper/breakfast bars (check use dates)
7. Candied stick deodorant
8. Sure-grip roofing supplement spikes for safe snow removal
9. Tear-away political platforms
10. Solar-Spell Astroturf
11. A offensive line for the Broncos.
12. Dog house insulation
13. Congressional dartboards
14. Leak-proof chinking material
15. Canvasses for bad western artists
16. Jigsaw puzzles
17. Patching for the ozone
18. Square Frisbees
19. U.S. Constitution one-speed bicycle grips
20. Succulent decoupage
-edited for clarity by Estelle Marmotbreath, critic
“You have to believe. That’s what I think. It’s not about medicine and all that stuff. You have to believe a person can get better. There is so much in the human mind we don’t understand, but you see if you have faith you can do anything.”
- Young girl working at convenience store near Kingsbridge talking about cancer recovery in The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry
News from Alaska
“Investigative Journalism at it’s Finest” from The Juneau What?
Missing piece of capital found in luggage
A piece of concrete from the Capitol Building was discovered today by a Juneau International Airport TSA worker, confirming the rumor that the capital was being moved piece by piece to somewhere up North.
The piece was about two feet by one foot by eight inches and apparently came from some- where below the Governor’s office.
“At first it was pens and pencils, then note- pads, a few jobs here and there, but this is absolutely the most shocking revelation yet,” spurted Bob Carrot of the Stop The Capital Creep Committee.
“We did a study and found there are actually more than four tons missing. Some of it has just vanished, but much of it has been cleverly replaced with a faux concrete material,” explained Carrot.
“If this is allowed to continue, one day soon, the whole building will just crumble by itself,” said (continued on page 34)
– from The Juneau What?
NASA Breaks Alien Code
(Houston) The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has broken the code used by UFOs and other wandering aliens to communicate among themselves. It has been determined that the space creatures have used this code for more than 40 years.
The primary code, hacked by NASA scientists Thursday, appears to be simple and direct. It has survived attempts by the giants of the solar system to crack it and has protected its identity, avoiding contact with humans at all times.
“The code is this: K-E-E-P T-H-E-M I-N T-H-E-I-R H-O-U-S-E-S. D-EL-I-V-E-R T-H-E-M T-A-C-O-S, chirped a top space scientist here. We understand it on one level but that’s all. Whether they have duplicate, offsetting codes or if this one is just a dummy code is not clear at this time.”
Rumors that aliens are already here and communicating with lower primates were dismissed by a Congressional hearing this morning, leading the more radical wing of the researcher delegates to walk out in protest.
Keen military minds remain on alert and local police are monitoring the behavior of taco delivery entities all over the country.
“We should welcome these space creatures as guests,” said an Area 51 enthusiast from Area 52. “Maybe they can achieve peace in the Mideast, racial harmony in these United States, pay off the national debt and offer free education and medical like they have in Europe.”
The code, which covers a variety of topics and exercises, interfaces well with a multitude of communications, many of which are ridiculous diversions. It is not known if the aliens know about the breach of security.
Perhaps intelligent beings do not want to land on earth. It may all look like Branson and Orlando to them.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Trump hit by pitch
(Washington) President Trump, appearing at the plate at a Congressional softball match, was struck in the forehead by a wayward pitch last night and is recovering in the Green Room at the White House. He reportedly has the blues and doctors are giving him reds.
His decision not to wear a batting helmet was lauded by his quasi-macho base. They still think he’s tough. Trump has been hit in the stomach several times in softball matches since his election but never in the noggin. Trump refuses to wear elbow pads, batting gloves or knee pads (even around Putin). He normally employs glove but can not catch worth a damn according leaks pouring forth from the keystone.
“He didn’t even try to get out of the way of the ball,” said the catcher for the Democrat squad. “He just stuck out his head and collided with the ball.”
Trump is currently batting .125 in intellectual circles while leading the league in stolen dreams and unfounded bravado. He is most likely bound for the minors although injuries to starters may dictate a different scenario in 2020.
In a related development the Topps Baseball card company say it will terminate the Donald Trump card since no one collects them. Experts say the data on the back of the card is all lies.
– Dolores Alegria
Attractive female arm wrestler needed to sell ads for Horseshoe website in Durango and Telluride. Good pay. sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net
BLM Loses Keys to Gate
(Montrose) The Bureau of Land Management has apparently misplaced the keys to a security gate west of here fanning the flames of fear that the land inside may be up for grabs. The almost 10,000 acres, protected by the gate and almost 7,000 miles of fence, could fall into the wrong hands as soon as Tuesday.
“The Mexican gov’ment has been eyeballing this little parcel since we stole most of the Southwest from them in 1850,” said Melvin De Toole, veteran sagebrush expert with the BLM. “It has been sending reconnaissance teams up this way disguised as farm workers for almost a century. They know our weak points.”
Toole added that, in addition to the potential setbacks in the Manifold Destiny Ballpark the region could come up short of deer and elk come harvest time.
“Peoples to the south have always wanted to entice our deer and elk,” explained Toole. “It’s common knowledge that they have been coveting our elk since the Gadsden Purchase. As long as we are the custodians of the land we will fight to keep it,” he promised.
It was not clear how the elk could have escaped due only to the keys being misplaced. Insiders at the BLM think rogue elements within the agency itself purposely left the gate open. Sources near the action suggest that jealous elements in New Mexico and Utah may well have been in cahoots with the Mexicans as well.
“With the land gone what would we have to manage?” asked Toole. “The deer and elk never listen and the rest of the forest animals run away whenever we try to approach them.”
– Forest Grump
“The Democrats appear too tired to choose a Presidential candidate. They remain stunned at the entrance of the big barn dance, perplexed by what can of food to donate to the local food bank in lieu of admission fee. Are they waiting for someone else to assume control?”
– the Ghost of Paul Von Hindenburg