All Entries Tagged With: "satire"
MASSIVE RUBBER DEPOSITS DISCOVERED UNDER SNODGRASS MOUNTAIN
(Crested Butte) An incredible rubber vein, possibly the continent’s largest, was unearthed at the base of Snodgrass Mountain yesterday. Surveyors mapping the area as part of a ski area expansion were shocked to find large specimens of the sticky rare ore just lying around on the ground.
“Upon further investigation we located massive caverns whose walls were made of almost pure rubber ore,” said Melvin Leopold, world renown mucker and long time veterinarian for the Flying Farcheezie Family. “After roaming through these tunnels and caves nobody wanted to survey anymore. The boys were having far too much fun bouncing off the walls and snatching souvenirs.”
The announcement has sent shock waves through the mining industry as Pay-Max; a giant mining concern that owns many local claims quickly sent top executives to Crested Butte to have a look. Already they are insisting that they retain all rights to Snodgrass Mountain and Gothic Mountain to the northwest. One Pay-Max spokesman told The Horseshoe that if the strike is all it appears to be, the community could see an assortment of mines and mills up and going by fall.
“Here we’ve been hanging out watching molybdenum prices go through the ceiling and now we stumble over the largest rubber reserves on the planet. It just goes to show you that the rich were born that way for a reason!”
Meanwhile, over at Vail-I70 primitive plans to harvest the rubber hit a dead end as it looks like one of the team forgot to secure the mineral rights to the Snodgrass-Gothic corridor from the United States Forest Service.
“We have one vice-president whose only responsibility is to take care of these kinds of things,” said one ski area exec. “What the hell has she been doing all these years? Skiing?”
We attempted to reach the USFS for a comment late this morning, but everyone had not arrived for work yet or had already gone home for the day.
The ski area plans to fight the mining interest, saying that the extraction of rubber from far below the earth would not be compatible with smooth ski slopes or safe foundations on condos planned for the area.
– Uncle Pahgre
We will be reading excerpts of the recently hobbled Mueller Report every evening through July at Colona Railway Bistro. Log Hill Fawn and Flume. See you there!
EMPTY-HEADED GEOGRAPHY QUIZ
Which state does the Utah Jazz call home?
That’s an easy one, but in keeping with federal attempts to improve education for all, we must arrive at some common denominator. That’s the point of the following quiz: Along the lines of accepted gov’ment thinking if everyone succeeds and scores in the 90th percentile that must mean education (as it now exists) is functioning right along at the same pace.
So let us get those literacy rates up. The schools are already a mess so let’s go ahead and run them all damn summer! It is with the application of these simple solutions that euphoria will overrun our basic social institutions and we will achieve the goal of more ineffective education for all. You betcha. Amen.
1. In 1883, Mark Twain wrote Life on the Mississippi. What river was he talking about?
a. The Gunnison
b. The Missouri
c. The San Miguel
d. The Mississippi
2. In what country do the Chinese reside?
a. Japan
b. Holland
c. Wyoming
d. China
3. What four state capitals where named after former American Presidents?
a. Austin, Phoenix, Columbus and Sacramento
b. Madison, Lincoln, Jackson and Jefferson City
c. Montpelier, Carson City, Baton Rouge, Winston-Salem
d. Hoover, Wilson, Roosevelt and Nixon.
4. Is Alaska farther north than Alabama? When?
5. What do Oahu, Maui, Hawaii and Kauai have in common?
6. In what country is Norwegian the official language?
a. Sweden
b. Finland
c. Norway
d. Chad
7. In what country are the Austrian Alps located?
a. Mexico
b. Austria
c. Italy
d. Germany
8. The saying “When in Rome do as the Romans do” is attributed to what city?
a. Paris
b. Rome, Italy
c. Rome, New York
d. Antwerp
9. Name two countries that touch the Indian Ocean. What does the Continental Divide divide? What city in Georgia is named after Christopher Columbus? Ohio?
10. What country did Rickey Ricardo come from?
a. Pakistan
b. South Africa
c. Cuba
d. Bolivia
11. Over what nation was the Battle of Britain fought?
a. The Nation of Islam
b. Canada
c. England
d. I don’t know. I wasn’t alive then. Maybe Utah.
12. What country dominates the Mexican Peninsula?
a. Costa Rica
b. Venezuela
c. Mexico
d. Tijuana
13. Which has a larger landmass, Greenland or Iceland? Russia or Monaco? Saudi Arabia or Israel? Australia or Denmark?
14. What is the literal translation of Newfoundland?
a. nice doggie
b. new found land
c. Codfish paradise
d. big, cold trailer park on the way to the Arctic Circle.
15. Just who named Hudson Bay?
a. James Brown
b. Little Richard
c. Henry Hudson
d. L.L. Bean
16. The Scottish terrier was bred in what country?
a. Yes
b. Iran (Persia)
c. Scotland
d. Luxembourg
17. What country is known for Swiss cheese and discreet banking practices?
a. Czechoslovakia
b. North Korea
c. Switzerland
d. Haiti
18. Spell Egypt.
19. What’s the difference between North Dakota and South Dakota?
20. If you had Prince Edward in a can where would you keep him?
a. Britain
b. Nova Scotia
c. Prince Edward Island
d. North Carolina.
Send your answers and $35 to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. If you are chosen you will receive our monthly newsletter and nothing else. Thanks for taking the test.
ZOMBIE REMAKE TO FEATURE ROCKIES
(Five Points) The most recent episode of the popular Curtis Park Zombies series will include cameos and some surreal scenes sure to give baseball fans the creeps. You guessed it — It’s your Colorado Rockies up to their necks in late inning horrors.
Panning the outfield as the bullpen projects lions and Christians on a giant third base screen the film takes us inside the training room after another loss. Guillotines and Sartre fight broken bats and sunflower seeds for locker space. Coaches stare. Players wander. Coolers are ripped from their mounts by super-human mutants, half alive and half dead.
Curtis Park in the 60s. “A sullen spot perfectly adaptive to black and white film.”
From there it’s a dreamy trip through expectations and disappointments from ankle injuries to head cases.
“You can’t even find a seat in the dugout with these bastards all around,” one player is heard to say during a rain delay that lasts until dawn. “There’s tobacco plug all over the steps. Can’t they spit it out onto the field like normal people?”
As tensions mount Zombies are joined by local vampires in extra innings followed by a gala fireworks show. Then everyone goes home, avoiding lonely places, dark shadows and the walking deceased in Rockies’ memorabilia.
A particularly distressing commotion ensues when the Bud Black character attempts to light a fire under his players only to burn down Coors Field. Wait! Is that another version of God Bless America playing ever so softly in the background? But this is only the third inning and…
The last Zombie team to reside in Colorado was the Denver Bears of 1920.
The premier black and white movie, Curtis Park Zombies, was shot in 1965 when the neighborhood was still home to winos and warehouses. It was meant as a nostalgic and even endearing look at zombies in the Rockies before the inevitable gentrification was still bulldozers away.
One moment worth recounting occurs immediately after the credits, that showcases the Rockies stacking their bats in surrender mode. The sad display, akin to the Waltz of the Lemmings in Rigoletto, precedes the return of crates of nearly new Louisville Sluggers to Louisville for retooling.
– Tommy Middlefinger
BLM relocates to manage land
(Bland Valley) The Bureau of Land Management has moved to Grand Junction so as to be closer to the millions of sagebrush acres that it now manages. The transfer will bring some 30 quality jobs with it plus it is expected to create several more.
“The impact will be soft and subtle but in time it will have a major affect,” said Otto Ptarmigan, executive director of executive directors for the executive director. “One of the bigger benefits will occur when the satellite jobs and support networks begin to emerge.”
The move has caught many residents unprepared. Some say they welcome the BLM as a good neighbor while others see the bureau as just another top-heavy ball of red tape sucking tax dollars as it goes its merry way.
“The idea of situating a rural/free range institution in the city when its main focus is elsewhere is ridiculous,” agreed Smiley Frouwn, of Palisades. “We can accommodate the BLM and the employees can enjoy a more relaxed, natural lifestyle.”
Some 65% of local residents polled welcomed the move while a startling 28% admitted that they had no idea how men and women driving around in pickups could manage so much as a clump of sagebrush.
“The government knows best and always has,” said an official press release. “The BLM is accountable for trees and bushes too.”
– Susie Compost
For an updated version of this story see “Woman Bites Marmot – Fined by DOW”
Police Brace for Super Moon
The first known Super Moon is slated for September 20 in front of 1800 Pennsylvania Ave. Some 7000 people will pull down their pants and aim at the White House as a sign of their distaste for “El Mentiro de La Frontera”
Catered by Capital Meats, Pressed Ham on Glass, Depends, Arlene’s Cosmetic Surgery and other elitist Washington entities the event is invitation only. Participants must be cleanly dressed, quiet and show proof of lunar ascendency.
“Vendors are welcome. Drive-by photos will not be tolerated,” compressed Wardine Culo, Executive Director for Moonlight Serenades Ltd. “No fireworks, glass or dogs will be admitted. Air cover is will only be called in if we are overrun.”
Extremists on both sides have threatened to disrupt the event, listed in the Top Ten Things to do in Washington This Week flyer. If mooner numbers are higher than Trump’s 2017 Inaugural figures a grandstand and a second shift will be added.
Anal-retentive protesters are reminded not to climb trees or attempt trespass on White House grounds during the production and when the mooning draws to a close.
Billed as The New Boxer Rebellion by media outlets in support of the Republican agenda, the Super Moon will be duplicated at each of Trump’s Casinos and golf corpses every Sunday until November of 2020.
“Mooning is socialist,” said Republican senate leaders. “It would never be tolerated in Moscow.”
In other blockbuster summer news: Yes, Jesus is coming back this summer but he’ll be staying in Canada due to gun violence in the United States. After a rally in Vancouver a two-day visit to the child holding tanks on the Mexican border will replace a previously scheduled stop at the White House.
Meanwhile many Americans still believe Richard Nixon was innocent of all counts in the Watergate Scandal of 1973, says a recent Faux Nuze poll. Of these some 21% say liberals railroaded the man, 13% don’t recognize the name and 6% think he’s still in office.
In concurrent polls: 93% of FOX viewers believe that Donald Trump (of windmill cancer fame) is Don Quixote. (82% of those pronounced the name Quicksote, had never heard of Cervantes. Of that control group more than half said La Mancha is a giant burrito at Taco Hole.)
“Jousting with those evil leftist windmills is a great diversionary tactic and the entire Trump Administration has been armed with 9-irons to do just that,” says Faux defiantly.
Then there was the blown newscast that reported ICE was defeated – They meant to say ISIS. It could happen to anyone.
And I thought The Horseshoe was stupid.
-Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole
Irish court delays construction of RTP compounding plant
Frank Esposito
The Irish High Court made the decision on July 30, according to an email update from Save Our Skibbereen (SOS), a local group that has opposed the plant. The decision also was reported that same day by the Southern Star newspaper.
Local zoning board An Bord Pleanala (ABP) consented to the decision. ABP had approved the project in late November. The main ground for the court’s decision, according to SOS, was that the screening by ABP for appropriate assessment was in breach of requirements laid down by the European Union’s Court of Justice in 2017.
RTP, a major global compounder, first proposed the plant for Skibbereen in late 2017. Skibbereen is a town of about 3,000 less than 10 miles from Ireland’s southern coast. The 16,000-square-foot plant would create as many as 40 new jobs.