All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
Are you going to spend eternity in Hell ? Take our aptitude test
Our team down in Hell is reaching out to you…
Choose the one that doesn’t fit?
a. Jesus came back to the US all right, but he got deported.
b. Jesus was homeless in his thirties
c. Jesus will be back later today or tomorrow, or maybe next week.
d Jesus is not going anywhere. Why would he?
On what level 1- 10 to you agree with the following?
a. People on Federal Assistance are communists.
b. God does not love Iranians or Yankees
c. Hell isn’t so bad as long as you have en suite.
d. It’s OK to hate people of color just so long as you love Jesus
Who do you look toward for spiritual guidance on earth?
a. My stock broker
b My personal trainer
c the garbage man
d. the guys and gals in produce..
If you were called down to hell today what would you want to bring with you?
a. my electric fan and Jared Kushner
b. my bronco tickets and Jared Kushner
c. a sack of tacos and Jared Kushner
d. comfortable shoes and Jared Kushner
Where did you first hear of Hell?
a. on the golf course
b. my preacher
c. a fallen angel told me
d. ads on CNN
Why do you think you should be spared from eternal damnation?
a. Because I have always had nice teeth
b. because I cannot tolerate running short of ice cubes
c. because I haven’t finished my last bottle of single malt
d. because I am wealthy
Choose your biggest fear.
a. a meteor will hit my TV antenna
b I will have to walk more than 400 feet in one “outing”
c Wal-Mart will be closed forever when I get there
d. my children will turn out like me
Relay your fondest moment on earth
a. the day I figured out that hot dogs won’t kill me, right away
b. buying discount ammo
c. when I found out how to operate a drone while asleep
d. the day my cat returned, after a 12-year absence.
Hell originated due to
a. an accident on I-25
b. the need for a place without social distancing
c. overcrowding in the Congress
d some old fart inattentively burning ditches in the spring wind
Which of the following best describes your take on Satan and his agenda?
a. I don’t think he cares about the poor or the forgotten all that much.
b. He couch surfs the mega churches.
c. Everyone knows he’s a great shortstop but can’t hit the curve
d. Does he have golf courses and live in a white mansion just a quick step away from oblivion?
Describe the topography and weather in hell
a. flat, hot, windy
b. asphalt walls and ceilings, cool nights
c. simultaneous flooding, drought and pro wrestling upstairs
d. everything is uphill, high humidity, no trees, rats
Who else do you think is already in hell?
a. Hitler and Stalin
b The Conquistadors, the Pharisees, John Chivington and Andrew Jackson
c Marie Antoinette and Louis XIV, along with Napoleon.
d. Your Uncle Bob from Grand Junction
Which of the following are major concerns to both the proprietors and residents of hell?
a The Second Amendment
b flies
c global warming
d eating a healthy breakfast
More next week
FDA secretly tested flour tortillas in face of medical mask shortages
(San Andreas, CA) The United States Food and Drug Administration today revealed that it has been clandestinely testing flour tortillas as substitute medical masks in light of shortages in hospitals and on the street in 2020. The announcement, although a surprise to some, was quickly digested by most in that the concept is quite simple.
The unheated tortillas have elastic properties that, although limited, can be arranged to fit most faces tightly and securely. When the tortilla/mask is applied properly it will cover most mouth and nasal areas of the face with room to spare. Larger faces will need the family style version of the popular flatbread while smaller faces and children can get by with the casita style, which is smaller.
Researchers acknowledged that some flour particles stick to the wearer’s mug but that the pancakes breath nicely and emit a pleasant aroma even when worn for hours. People with beards did not like them nor did those with small chins
Consumers have been cautioned against using sopaipillas or arepas since they are not airtight. Likewise corn tortillas are ineffective since they are more brittle and do not mold to the lower cheeks or jowls.
Reaction to this potential use for tortillas has created a stir in some Hispanic communities but little hoarding has occurred.
“Those gringo tortillas that you buy at the grocery are not the real things anyway,” said Hectora Simon Ramone, a professor of food science at Cal Polygamy here in the California desert. “The real ones are homemade by the campesinos and their family recipes are not shared with government agencies.”
In addition the FDA further suggests that taco shells, artisan breads, egg roll wrappers, kabob rolls, pita bread and vegetarian wraps do not work well due again to inconsistencies in the makeup and distinct ethnic flairs.
When asked about other pantry items that might ease palpable shortages of ventilators available from the federal government a FDA source said, “That’s not our department. Call your governor.”
– Pepper Salte, Food Editor
Guernica remembered, April 26, 1937
The above painting by Pablo Picasso depicts the carpet-bombing of the Basque town of Guernica, Spain on April 26, 1937 by the Condor Legion. It was the first time civilians had been targeted from the air. The German Luftwaffe, allies of the Nationalists, engaged in an attack on the town as part of an attempt to destroy morale and develop methods of strategic bombing. It resulted in the deaths of 400 people. The Nazi aircraft bombed the town, of no military value, with high explosive and incendiary bombs that reduced the place to rubble. The initial plan called for the bombing of a bridge and a railway station but the violence from the sky got out of hand quickly. The Nazis claimed the smoke forced them to drop their bombs blindly. Even the bloodthirsty Franco was appalled by the murders. Later both the Nazis and the Nationalists denied responsibility blaming the incident on retreating Loyalist troops.
Kushner to play self in classic teen movie
(Follywood) White House executive sycophant, celebrated real estate tycoon and son-in-law to Donald Trump, Jared Kushner, will star in a new film called “Greedy Little Shits”
In what insiders called a lucrative contract, Kushner, who has plenty of acting experience as a successful Mideast negotiator and thanks to his current role as pandemic mainstay, will play himself in a desperate remake of Beach Blanket Bingo with snatched scenes from Taxi Driver and The Shining.
Jared Kushner has signed on to play The Evil Twit in Greedy Little Shits, a soon-to-be-released teen rage film.
It was not clear if supporting roles would be offered to other members of the Trump family, co-producers of the film. Ivanka has reportedly auditioned for the part of Muffy, a dingy lifeguard who hates sand but is in love with herself while Donald Junior is a lock to play a crooked hot dog vender according to Mike Pence, executive director of the picture.
“We would like to use other idle members of the family to play pivotal roles addressing such issues as gun rights, racial harmony, religious freedom and world diplomacy,” said Pence. “We were looking for a teenager to play the lead but Jared is both immature and downright mean, two valuable assets we cannot do without during these troubled times.
In a seriously unrelated statement Pence then reiterated a recent claim that neither he or President Trump was gay or communist “like all those Hollywood types”. Unreliable sources in Washington offered no comment to this assertion that Greedy Little Shits is a movie for all Americans.
“If you don’t like the production you hate America and are a terrorist,” said Pence.
Critics see the production as another attempt to placate supporters who are expected to flock to the theaters despite social isolation edicts and social distancing ordinances. Trump Has projected a box office smash. Medical experts (doctors) predict a spike in people testing positive for Corona19 Virus.
“Oh well,” said one left-leaning physician from California.
The film is based on the best-shelling book How To Profit From the Misery of Others by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“We’ve done a lot, a lot on this,” said Trump. “Obama never made a movie. It will be a terrific thing for all patriotic Americans.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe
High Water Threatens E-Bay
(Camp Bird) Heavy monsoons, combined with continued run-off from melting snow have turned a once tranquil E-Bay into a swirling, choppy hellhole unfit for human utilization. The bay is expected to remain off-limits to boaters and fishermen until water engineers can recreate natural flow and repair traditional drainage ditches wiped out by the aquatic thrust.
“We were caught with our wet suits down on this one,” admitted local ditch rider Dag Katz, who has been employed by the county for almost forty years. “We watched the water rise thinking it would subside only to find that it quickly became a monster exhibiting major swells and rip tides not seen here since the Nixon Presidency.”
The infamous bay, perched high in the San Juans deep in the Edith Bunker National Forest, is currently at overflow stage thwarting ocean-going commerce and giant oil tankers attempting to plot their way over Imogene Pass. Local fauna and flora, caught in the path of the water have been driven out or in some more drastic episodes, have perished. It is hoped that summer tourist season or the fall color extravaganza will not be affected.
“Back in the drought days a phenomenon like this would have been unthinkable,” said Katz. “This may very well be the most destructive environmental development since they started building golf corpses in the elk habitat without pay-offs to Mother Nature.
Initial plans to start containment fires along E-Bay’s vast shoreline have been abandoned due to concerns over bear foraging and the annual marmot migration. Projections now suggest that when rains subside the situation will return to normal.
“The problem is that the flood waters put all our fires out on impact,” said Katz “It’s a miracle that the entire town of Ouray wasn’t swept away to the Bland Valley,” he continued. “If it weren’t for the sophisticated flume system we could all be speaking Chinese by now.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Today’s “You Can Make a Difference” Question:
Should Tarzan’s patented jungle yell be classified as a yodel,
a rallying cry or simply a primal scream? VOTE NOW.
Sophomore Wins College Poetry Contest
The winner of the Western State University student poetry contest is Melvin Ticke of Heany, Colorado. Ticke, who has been a sophomore since 1967, was awarded 1000 bags of Ramen noodles, which he ate immediatley, and $400,000 in cash. His poem is as follows:
Grasshopper Dreams
I sit bewitched by the grasshopper
outside my bathroom window
hopping
plopping
sopping
watching
the busy ants prepare
for winter’s advance.
What does he know of
gasoline prices, final exams,
the economic realities of budget deficits?
Nada.
He don’t givadamn
He sits; immersed in chew, ready to fly
high in the air with the expectation that
someone else…not the ant…not the gov’ment
not the planetary mother
will see that he makes it till spring.
What does he know of
insincerity, of recapitulation
of romantic interludes in the snow?
Nada
He don’t givadamn
Watching this grasshopper
makes my eye lids heavy. I
think I’ll join him in his quest
for internal peace by resting the outside
first and then letting the rest of…zzzzzzzz.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 46
“Pollo o Pescado?” – the expanded menu at Cafe Tranqulidad, Rumba, Colombia
