All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
ELECTION LEAGUE SAYS NO TO CROWD SEEDING
The United States Election Monitoring and Assistance Committee today banned crowd seeding as “a perverse and cowardly act” intended to portray racial and gender harmony “within a system run by wealthy old white men.” According to a statement read this morning the dubious placement of paid plants from racial and economic groups behind a speaker candidate to imply a wide-range of support when there is little, constitutes fraud and should be punished by penal servitude followed by lifelong banishment. (Photo by Stephen Miller)
McConnell: “Free Electoral College for every American”
Mitch “Kentucky Windage*” McConnell today promised free electoral college tuition for all Americans in return for concessions from Democrats regarding drilling rights to the Moon.
McConnell claimed that his constituency in Kentucky was already receiving this entitlement but few as yet have applied for this latest privilege.
“Senator McConnell doesn’t even care how you voted this is his gift to the people of Kentucky and all Americans,” said a closet aide.
Unreliable sources in Lexington say they have no knowledge of this offer or qualifications for the program.
“We’re still waiting for test kits,” said one angry representative who plans to vote for Amy McGrath for Senate in November.
– Mimi Footlettuce
Kentucky Windage is the practice of applying a horizontal adjustment of the point of aim for wind (windage) without the use of any physical or mechanical adjustments on the weapon, basketball or the aroma after a hearty meal of soup beans and cornbread.
Toole To Attempt Pantyhose Crossing of Black Canyon
(Montrose) Enlightened daredevil, Melvin Toole, will once again attempt to traverse the mighty Black Canyon but this time he’ll be employing a lifeline made from pantyhose.
The tightrope of sorts, strung between a western observation point and a well-grounded picnic table on the east side, has been fabricated by the discarded undergarments, most of which were recently liberated from local second-hand shops and the local dump (landfill).
According to aides, it his imperative that the material be strung ultra-tight so as to avoid bowing and dangerous slack spots. A fall from this altitude would spell trouble for the 101 -year-old who once crossed the San Miguel River with an infinitesimal, strap-on beanie turbine windmill hat in 2011.
“That was a close call,” explained Toole, reaching out to us all from his doublewide overlooking the glaciers of Tierra del Fuego. “I didn’t have the proper torque but a tail wind came up and glided me to the other bank. Damn good thing my team had the big girl pantyhose stretched across the park’s cavity notch.”
Later in 1983 Toole successfully negotiated a crash landing onto Pea Green Grange Hall wearing nothing but high-top Gene Taylors and a parachute. Sadly, the ripcord failed at the last minute and the aviator landed in an organic onion field plot just inches from his target.
The Department if the Interior, which has sanctioned the event, will be selling tickets. An assortment of elk cheeses and prairie dog sausage, as well as a glass of sagebrush wine are included with admission price.
This could be the last major jump by Toole but, according to supporters, if he makes it across without incident he may try going back the other direction in 2021.
– Dolores Alegria
Trump claims great grandfather was a famous Confederate general.
Donald Trump’s boast that one of his ancestors was a decorated Confederate general has been playing well south of the Mason-Dixon Line.
The relative he claims must be from his mother’s side, a foggy genetic pool with a severely psychotic and combative DNA running through the bloodline. It’s not easy to trace much less isolate the alleged military man. Wartime deeds were not always recorded properly. Accounts were askew. Documentation was lax. Testimonials were incomplete. Even surnames are difficult to establish after 150 years. Perfect.
Donald Trump’s paternal ancestry is traceable to Bobenheim am Berg, a village in the Palatinate, Germany, in the 18th century. Great-grandfather Johann Trump, born in Bobenheim in 1789, moved to the nearby village of Kallstadt where his grandson, Friedrich Trump, the grandfather of Donald Trump, was born in 1869.
So this “great warrior festooned with a chest of medals,” to quote Trump; this hereditary phantom must have belonged on his mother’s side of the family. Since woman were relegated to domestic duties and childbearing they would most likely not been chronicled efficiently and memorably…Yes, most definitely he must have been talking about his mother’s side.
Given the sordid history of family, the assertion comes as little surprise. But even when applying an ultra-liberal math/generational factor of minus 30 (All becoming parents at 30 years-old, his mother would have been born in 1918 while his grandfather Terrence Kaiser Trump would have hatched in 1888. Employing the same ratio, his great-grandfather, Wilhelm Rolf Trump, would have been born in 1858. Had Wilhelm achieved the rank of general even in the threadbare Confederate Army of 1865* he would have been 7-years-old making him the youngest general on both sides of the American Civil War
“I’m quite astonished that he did not carry this one step further and put himself up there on this fabricated general’s horse,” said Susie Compost, of the Failed Nation. “It all seems quite preposterous kind of like advising people to drink beach to combat the Corona Virus.
When pressed on this issue Trump called on reporters to do their homework and stop trying to discredit him.
– Gabby Haze
*Many Trumpers are either not familiar with what occurred in 1865 or take comfort in the belief that the Civil War is still going on.
Elvis Living on Neptune Says WCU Prof
(Gunnison) The King, Elvis Presley, is alive and well on the planet Neptune according to a Western Colorado University professor who has been collecting evidence on the entertainer since his death in 1977.
Citing planetary sway and unmistakable sounds originating on Neptune, Professor Leroy Tinkleholland, head of the Department of Astronomy and Sports Medicine, contends that Elvis is living there.
“The planet is even developing a gravitational sneer much like the one popular with Elvis fans for decades,” he said. “Lately we’ve begun to see the initial plans for the filming of a bad Presley movie there and many younger Neptunians have begun dressing and acting like Elvis.”
Tinkleholland, speaking at the weekly Alien Night, hosted by the Alamo Bar, says Presley first visited Neptune to undergo therapy for drug addiction in the early Seventies. After falling from grace with fans later that decade he returned to rehab and has been there ever since. He offers no further proof of his curious summations.
Sources close to the professor remind readers that Tinkleholland is the standing expert of extraterrestrial doings in the Gunnison Valley. Research conducted since the Sixties has been held up as all but conclusive proof that space travelers were first drawn to this part of the world by the presence of rodeos and the cowboy culture.
“They (aliens) love to dress up like drugstore cowboys often showing up in ten-gallon hats and long-rider coats even in summer,” said Gary “Buck” Rogers, former publisher and fan of the professor’s work.
“I’ve never seen one of these space cowboys ride a bull. They swallow their chew, can’t rope worth a hoot and appear frightened of horses but they’re still hanging around the old corral. Look over there, in the corner…See that fellow in the Stetson and Tony Lamas. He’s not from around here.”
– Suzie Compost
Is Putin Jealous of Trump’s Hair?
(Moscow) Opponents of Vladimir Putin say the Russian demigod has a host of obsessive disorders noting that a newly surfaced malady is focused on Donald Trump’s hair.
Vlad Envy (Hooy morzhovy in Muscovite slang) a severe mania hair and fur fetish, has been entrenched in Russian culture since the days of Vladimir I. Due in part to the cold weather and access to large beasts the importance of hair has emerged in both literature and cuisine to which anyone who has ever read Dostoevsky’s The Idiot or been force-fed leftover borscht can attest.
For years the Russian people have been led to believe that the US President is wearing a toupee or some sort of wig. Now it all appears to have been a cover-up and attempt to distract from the level of jealousy that has now been exposed on the international stage.
“Just look at the two of them together and the expression on Putin’s face when Trump combs or brushes back his long orange hair,” said Fyodor Toolstoy, a Putin critic who has not been seen since the story broke Tuesday.
“A state of jealousy exists between our two countries, both with nuclear arsenals and the ability to deliver weapons of mass destruction,” said a Bolshevik Weekend, a party organ that spotlights fashion and hygiene and generally refrains from sojourns into the political arena.
“If this fixation is true why doesn’t Putin just go out and buy a wig,” said Nikolai Sonovavitch, a former St. Petersburg councilman. “With all his shady investments bankrolled by the people he certainly has the money. He could choose between red and red…anything but orange.”
Sonovavitch was noticeably absent from his daily devotional Mass this morning at Saint Okroshka Cathedral. Friends and family have asked for assistance in determining his present status and location.
Meanwhile Russian political analysts contend that this hair thing was cooked up by the CIA to embarrass Putin who, as most know, could not afford a haircut as a child.
“He has been quite transparent of late on matters concerning civility and etiquette,” said a popular talk show host on Radio Razvaluha, a pro-Putin station. “He has his own hair and most importantly a head to go with it.”
-Anastasia Sebastopol
