All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"

Applications for astronaut spots cripple NASA

The well-versed bureaucracy was already in place. But it was supposed to be looking out, not in. Until the pandemic, a majority of this burgeoning space budget was spent on defense and satellites, including the study of alien life. Now administrative and human services costs have skyrocketed to the top.

Was it all because of this one tiny want ad?

Astronauts wanted. No experience necessary. Will train.

Apply National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

The placement then gave a link to a web form where an interested party could see more.

Thousands apply for astronaut positions at NASA

Until recently more people appeared frightened of the great abyss than were ready to strike out and embrace it. Scrutinizing every vestige for work, most could not pass up the ad or pass physical or mental requirements therein. Some were too large. Others too slow. Most were just desperate, bringing nothing to the table but the desire to fly away.

Now NASA computers are humming in an attempt to process mounds of ubiquitous applications for volunteer space travelers. Submissions and requests have increased two thousand-fold in the past week. Sources there say a lot of people who “fancy getting off the earth while they still have their wits” (about them). Many have “already packed their suitcases”.

NASA head hunting has been much more subtle in the past relying on trade publications and recruitment from within the outer space community. The appearance of the ad might have been an oversight or quite possibly a hack job.

Astronaut training session over at NASA

“Maybe it was the pink moon or the economy, the health crisis or wanderlust but we have been inundated with applications for only about 50 positions,” said Alfonse Clockwork, a spokesman for NASA. “A lot of people have given up on earth and figure they’d be better off in orbit. Others see the Apocalypse in the rear view mirror.”

Most of the applicants have suffered long lines, tedious agendas, diminished options and little information since Thursday when the ad hit the classifieds. There has been little response much less NASA’s assurances that they will be heard.

“Stay home. Stay away. The daily lines are overwhelming our security,” said Clockwork. “We have seen literally thousands seeking a few long-term slots for experimental flight crews. What a mess we have in our laps at such a critical juncture. What are these people thinking? They have no survival skills. They have no space suits. Most have never even been off the planet.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

Horseshoe accused of benefitting from lockdowns

(Coconuca Plaza) Critics are enraged today with the release of new readership figures over at the San Juan Horseshoe. The data, collected since March 15, validates earlier claims that readership of the website, sanjuanhorseshoe.com, had doubled or even tripled since the institution of social distancing restrictions.

“Our hits have exploded, increasing by the hundreds each day since the obligatory self-isolation approach was enacted in March,” said account executive Loraine “Tinkerbelle” DeHaviland, from the pea-brained veranda of her self-contained cranium cubicle.

Publishers of the site say they are being wrongly targeted in that they are not profiting from the misery of others, hoarding anything or even earning direct compensation from the mushrooming stats.

Further examination of graphs and digital widgets strongly suggests that the traffic will swell further as the pandemic continues. Editors agree that more idle time, bad television and chronic boredom have had a hand in the upsurge.

“We just hope that all businesses are able to survive this mess and get back on their feet,” continued DeHaviland. “We’d rather focus there than on our own successes and failures.”

“While we are thrilled with the number of visitors to our site we hope for a brighter tomorrow,” she said, “for everyone on the planet.”

Conspiracy advocates say that The Horseshoe is part of a deeper, misguided attack on the economy at a time of desperation for essential workers who do not have the option to stay home if they so choose.

“They just want to keep Americans in their homes so that they can take their guns,” said Rev. Roscoe Barbarius, who hasn’t seen a nickel in the collection plate for weeks. “It’s all a distraction so as to install the god-less, liberal agenda and teach socialism in our schools.”

He has called on his congregation to aggressively boycott the website, a move that seems to have backfired, driving a strong portion of his assemblage for a peek at the sinning satire.

“In apprehension of immoral profits pouring in with this expanding circulation and escalating appeal we have mucked out our offices and now have electricity and running water in the building,” said a front office source familiar with these developments.

DeHaviland then laughed out loud, vehemently denying accusations that the Horseshoe had purchased new drapes, light fixtures, carpet and sheets for all the desks.

-Fred Zeppelin

Leper Colonies May Reopen

(Molokai) The nation’s remaining leper colonies will reopen for business this morning according to federal officials in the region. Homeland Security and FBI contingents, having intercepted medical masks and ventilators at gunpoint, say the threat of viral eruptions in now minimal there.

“It’s the old adage rearing it’s ugly head once again in the face of common sense,’” said Burt Favela who fills the vacant position as executive director of the Hawaii GOP. “Just because you were born on the bus do you deserve free bus rides for life?” he asked

The distinctly overweight Favela, who has been described as a corpulent leper by adversaries, told friendly news media that he thinks everyone should pull his own weight whether they have leprosy or not.

In other news Hawaii Governor David Ige says he disagrees with a Trump proclamation calling meat-processing plants essential during the pandemic.

“Will this include spam?” joked the governor.

– Neville Hoser

Should feds to bail out DUI squads?

DUI squads are losing money hand over fist with lockdowns

(Manana) State and federal governments continue to wrestle with options regarding the possible bail out of cash-strapped police departments who no longer can rely on lucrative income from DUI arrests.

Law enforcement agencies, that had come to count on the easy money to buy flashy military equipment and hire more poorly paid officers, are now forced to tow the line and adhere to tighter budgets.

The decrease in DUI arrests is also making it tough for the courts and jails to keep their shaved heads above water. Diminished resources have led to an upsweep in arrests for less profitable hate crimes, larceny, narcotic use, and domestic abuse.

Cops Stop Motorist Suspected of Infraction Back in the Good Ol’ Days

“If nobody is driving then it only follows that nobody is driving under the influence of alcohol during these dark days of the pandemic,” said one uniformed source here. “We’re losing our asses. We have carried the torch and now we need an infusion of money.”

The source went on to say that without the police patrolling the highways looking for drunk drivers the whole society would fall apart by the weekend.

“Most of this is an exaggeration,” said a sitting circuit judge, “since some people are still driving with or without a license or insurance. Considering that a great many of them are under stress it would not be a giant leap of faith to consider that some are hammered at the wheel.”

– Marianne Marvelous

Amarillo marcado en un paraíso andino

Debido al virus, el cierre mundial y los vuelos cancelados, hemos estado en cuarentena cerca de una ciudad de montaña de 6500 pies en Antioquia, Colombia desde mediados de marzo. Hace 74 grados, soleado y silencioso.

Después de buscar días por calles vacías y entre los residentes enmascarados, finalmente he aceptado el lamentable hecho de que las tiendas de comestibles en el pequeño pueblo de Jardin, Colombia, no ofrecen Twinkies o Ding Dongs. Puedo lidiar con la flagrante, casi arrogante ausencia de encurtidos kosher, filetes de atún ahi, pizza congelada, champán y caviar, ¿pero ahora esto?

Hoy compramos arroz, frijoles, mangos, huevos, calabacín, jarabe de arce, pollo, ajo, pimientos, yuca, papas, camarones, salmón, cerveza, ron, granola, queso, jamón, chorizo, crema, leche, jengibre, mantequilla de maní. , pasta, maní, papas fritas, tomates, papaya, agua mineral, productos de papel, galletas de soda, Oreos, yogurt, pasta de dientes, tilapia, duraznos enlatados, café, mantequilla, albahaca, salsa, tomillo, orégano, alcaparras, vino para cocinar, aceitunas , salsa de espagueti, mezcla para panqueques, chocolate, cilantro y pepinos.

Todo fue entregado (huevos en el manillar) a nuestra casa de campo a un kilómetro de la ciudad sin cargo adicional. Servicio domicilio ala moto. Incluso la cerveza todavía estaba fría. El alamode de supervivencia puede ser un entretenimiento de alto impacto.

Jardin, Antioquia, Colombia from LaLinda

Esta noche nos deleitaremos con ajiaco o sancocho o tal vez fritanga. Las recetas para estos platos finos se pueden arrinconar fácilmente en una variedad de fuentes.

Sentado en mi oficina al aire libre mirando los plátanos y los mandarines, tengo la idea de que soy un intruso en este magnífico paisaje de abrumadoras verdes y brisas. Mi vecino, Fabio, cosecha granos de café para vender mientras veo pájaros, vigilo las noticias, escribo historias y leo libros. Nunca te aburrirás cuando haya libros.

He leído a Tolstoi al revés y a Joyce en el derecho de retención horizontal y en la fuga. Sí, técnicamente soy un extranjero ilegal debido al cierre de la máquina de inmigración en Medellín impulsado por virus. El pasaporte de mi compañero ha caducado y ya no poseemos un boleto de avión de regreso a los EE. UU. Podríamos alquilar una casa rodante e intentar atravesar el Darién, pero no tienen casas rodantes aquí, como en el norte.

Pero no hemos tocado un embrague en meses. Caminamos hacia la ciudad de arriba a abajo por las lodosas colinas del bosque hasta el puente amarillo que cruza el río que cae en cascada desde el circo chiva y las trucharias en Caldas hacia el sur. Es suficiente ejercicio para lubricar nuestros cerebros y huesos y ganar una cerveza por la noche. En la ciudad, la plaza se encuentra vacía al borde de las lágrimas esperando ser nuevamente el centro de la vida.

Los perros del vecino ahora están visitando esta mañana, mientras las dos vacas residentes muy amigables nos miran desde la línea de la valla endeble, esperando que entreguemos el almuerzo de la hierba dulce fuera de nuestro alcance. Los caballos relinchan en las sombras restantes del anochecer sin preocuparse por la situación humana.

A veces nos sentamos en el patio y miramos la aldea tranquila y desierta, un lugar que hace solo unas semanas estaba lleno de vida. Oh, excepto por el gruñido de altas revoluciones y el estruendo de una motocicleta mal sintonizada que rebota en las paredes coloniales o personas que gritan hola desde balcones o bocinas de autobuses que hacen sonar sus salidas, o el tintineo de botellas de cerveza o campanas de iglesia golpeando a horas impías.

El río se agita y brota después de una lluvia apagada y Rocas chilla en el bosque. Observamos cómo el turno diurno de las abejas y las moscas es reemplazado por la fuerza laboral nocturna de las polillas y los escarabajos.

Algunos días casi puedo escuchar el sonido de los árboles creciendo.

– Melvino Tulavera

YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THE RAPTURE

What you need to know

According the mega-preacher Rev Dr. Arthur Conne of the Third Degree Apostolic and Very Holy Tabernacle of Our Savior Cathedral and Bingo Restitution Hall “He came back in March – If you have not been contacted as of May 15 it looks like you are out of the Loop.” But not all is lost: You could start living like Jesus told you to and see what happens down the road.

– Dieter Upanishads