All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"

MORE NEWS TO CHEW ON…

Candidate Negates Effects of Global Canning

Damage to the Ozone, due to increased global canning in the autumn, has been crudely exaggerated beyond the limits of even the radical, liberal agenda according to a three-time candidate for Gunnison dogcatcher who blames the whole mess on the whales.

Giant Dinosaur Turd Park Limits Access

A controversial decision to cut back fall tours at the popular Giant Dinosaur Turd National Monument has created a potentially explosive situation that could ruin Thanksgiving plans for many of the state’s homeless. The problem: An environmentally fragile eco-system there cannot handle the throngs.

GORILLAS CONTINUE TO HOLD OIL EXECUTIVES

“We cut off all their heads but they just grew back,” say primate captors who accuse petrol freaks of price gouging. “Next time we’ll try salt or the head of a match,” they said in a taped interview Friday.

Study: Obese People Often Fat

A recently completed study conducted by the fettered government has discovered that persons considered obese by accepted world health standards are often overweight too. What does this have to do with aerial tattoos?

Are Ethnic Foods Subverting the Real America?

Sushi or Stromboli? Pad Thai or Empanadas? Schnitzel or Burritos? Are foods from other cultures drowning out local cuisine and diluting the good ol’ red-meat American burger experience?

Hoopskirts- The Social Distancing Solution?

Despite the efforts of some of our neighbors to distance themselves from infection by tire tubes, brick walls, forced bondage and bodies of water, we (you know, the people inside your computer) are less than convinced in the value of these lame yet noble endeavors. We have charted another course, introducing more thorough means of examination on fiscally irresponsible advertisers as well as unsuspecting entry-level employees.

Up until now we have investigated such measures as massive injections of fresh garlic, horizontal body armor, inflated clown shoes, mean dogs, ejection seating, spoiled body odor, high pressure water hoses, parachutes, bundling boards, rubber suits, gentle organic sprays, mannequin aggressive perfumes, virtual yoga, armed security, hermetically sealed take-out treats and hoop skirts.

At present the most promising method assessed for comfortable social distancing has been the hoop skirt. While these framed panniers are not in everyone’s closet the concentric hoops or caged crinoline have been found to keep human beings at least six feet apart at social engagements and even around the house. The other problem is that the whalebone or cane wires are not likely to be embraced by the males of the species. No hoop kilts are on back order and further analysis produced a plethora of excuses and insults from the supply chain. More on this when it becomes available.

-Sir Otis of Liver

“Bad Haircuts”

just a trim before the last time….

so that there was little left on top and a healthy harvest of grey strands on the side. For the finishing touches Wally shaved a six-inch semi-circle around the left ear and applied bootblack to the right temple. When he swung his victim around for a look into the cloudy mirror he sat back in anticipation.

“Kill him,” said Black Bart to the members of his gang who had now succumbed to laughter. “It’ll take two months for my scalp to recover and maybe a year or two before I can rob banks again. No barber, even one who says he’s from St. Louis, is worth this!”

Wally was quick to react.

“I’m awful sorry Bart, about your hair and all. I’d be happy to start from scratch and throw in a case of this hair tonic, which, if you ain’t too picky, tastes all right besides.”

Bart took a sip, snarled and motioned toward his men to do their duty. When they got Wally outside he talked them into a simple tar and feathering instead of the termination. The entire town, especially the ones who had gone under Wally’s scissors, turned out for the event. It was the first excuse for the ladies to don their finery and the men to wear their church-going suspenders since Old Man Rathboone was lynched back in ’88.

When Wally finally came to he was stuck to a barrel cactus some 10 miles from Rodentville. He was covered with tar, scattered with feathers and someone had shaved his head.

“I wonder who did the barbering,” thought Wally. “I could use an assistant.

Wandering off toward bright lights and barber poles Wally, engaged in some much belated soul searching.

“I think I actually enjoy giving bad haircuts,” he mused. “How sick. No wonder I’m always getting beat up or driven out of town. Maybe I should look for another line of work,” he thought looking down at his travelling barber kit.

“I’ve been trampled in Topeka, worked over the Wabash and had both legs broken in Marietta,” he shrugged. “But I’ve seen a lot of country and met a lot of great people in my travels. Some of them even let me cut their hair!”

Wally’s barber kit was comprised of six scissors, an assortment of combs, two mirrors, a straight razor and a dozen bottles of hair tonic. It had miraculously survived his most recent ordeal

“I can’t quit now,” he said to himself. “I have too much invested.”

After five lonely, thirsty days on the road Wally arrived in Muttontown, on the banks of the Dirty River. He walked into the Broken Dreams Saloon and ordered a beer.

“Howdy, stranger,” said a saloon hall girl from the corner. “What brings you to Muttontown?”

“I’m a traveling barber,” said Wally. “I’m in search of work.

“Really?” asked the girl sincerely. “That’s right amazing, since our last barber was killed in a gunfight last night.”

“Is that a fact?” gestured Wally.

TO BE CONTINUED

Seismologists Isolate Laugh Tracks

(Wilson Peak) Researchers here at the Wilson Seismic Observatory have determined that not only attitudes but also laughter levels are affected by moisture and dreary weather. Previously used to locate and measure earthquakes, hunt for oil and to study glaciers the seismograph has been found capable of recording and amplifying laughter waves.

Magnification of ground motion is intrinsic in these investigations. Often scientists will set off explosives above or below the surface. This produces sound waves that bounce back from rock strata, or layers, at various depths. The relative travel time of these waves sheds light on what lies beneath the surface of the planet and, in the case of generated mirth, indicates the general mental health of the population.

Very sensitive seismographic equipment is necessary to acquire a valid reading for enjoyment response. It’s often difficult to differentiate between a slight chuckle and an all out guffaw without collecting mounds of data. The storage of such information alone can be a nightmare.

“Once we dropped an expensive galvanometer off Bridal Veil Falls and it hit some guy’s trophy home down in town,” said Dr. Melvin Toolini, a specialist in Applied Inertia, flown in fresh from Naples Thursday. “Of course he sued the whole shooting match and progress was set back about twenty years. Now we suspend apparatus such as electromagnetic transducers off our necks much like the photographer perched on the edge of a scenic cliff or even hung up a ponderosa.”

Funds for this continued research come from Optimist Clubs, mental health cadres and of course from Congress, itself the subject of much laughter and cynicism. Although findings are still at the giggle stage and much data has yet to be compiled, several conclusions are clear.

“People don’t laugh as much when the sun doesn’t shine,” quipped Toolini. “In addition, studies have indicated that the public is less affectionate and far more frugal in cloudy weather. Humidity levels also control aggressive tendencies, fatigue levels and eating habits.”

     Much by accident the Wilson group has stumbled across another fringe phenomenon: Laugh tracks broadcast by television networks, during those clever half hour situation comedies, are not tapes of real laughter as previously surmised, but rather are synthetically produced sound waves.

“We see this kind of response as a sort of hot dog of the Richter Scale,” continued Toolini. “Although the product appears to be of quality it may contain all sorts of unhealthy bi-products.”

Further study indicates that the average person’s laughter levels would increase significantly if they could view the writers of such programs drawn and quartered or victims of firing squads at the termination of the program.

“Unfortunately the intellectual levels of TV viewers drop significantly when rainy days persist,” said Toolini. “That may account for the popularity of talk shows.”  

– Suzie Compost

“The U.S. should not be promoting its values internationally. It should not be telling other counties how they run themselves. The multilateral institutions, that the U.S. has had a significant role in, are part of that problem.”  –  Ian Bremmer, head of Eurasia Group.

Under the Covers – Book Reviews

Reading requires a degree of self-isolation while traveling magically to other worlds and embracing challenges that not only provide serenity but provide knowledge, raw and refined. Otherwise life turns to batshit real quick.

Here are a few suggestions to keep you on the right side of the lifestyles we are experiencing it at the present time.

*How I Learned to Trust White People Again” from Juliene Pettifogger the author of the best seller Don’t Squat with Your Spurs in Third Gear and the sensual thriller A Horse Can Be Course – The Swinger Scandals of Wilbur and Carol Post. The stories are humdrum and the title has nothing to do with the content but the author manages to generate over 60,000 adjectives and adverbs in a cheaply produced paperback. Perfect for a rainy day or a redoubt from a meteor storm. It’s a must read.

“How to mine uranium” Talk about hands-on help in the era of vague interpretation and philosophical debris, this collection of stories and how to do it advice is a treasure even if you’re not interested in digging in the ground. The characters have emerged as brave extractors, not detractors from a profitable, yet highly controversial subject. Sadly, not once does the author undress the rhino-in-the-room like he does in Will Raiders Fans Still Dress Like Pro Wrestlers in Las Vegas? Atila Diggins coughed up what we hope will be the first of many non-fiction offerings, after his Naturita dance studio wine bar closed due to the pandemic.

A slew of books on political intrigue are on the horizon this summer with “The Bourbons: Royals of Appalachia”  leading the charge. This book of short subjects includes the popular Back to Kentucky in the Trunk of a Cadillac where a whiney Mitch McConnell is passed over as Derby King. “The hilarious Dummy’s Guide to the Hostile takeover of America” chronicles the diabolic brain washing of the angry and unrefined. The Unofficial Autobiography of Mitch carefully details acquisitions and mergers by no longer essential politicians who get rich on America’s tab. If you like any of these be sure to peruse Goshen to Grundy in a Bullet-proof Limo which could be Lacey “Curtain” Zapato’s finest work. It is expected in bookstores by late August.

Sweet dreams are only a snore away with The Bedtime Book of Hand Grenades. The three volume set is perfect for slow readers although the pictures are not always explained. Perfect for those who love to wear fatigues but don’t join the army for fear of being killed. Includes a slick, impressive fashion pull-out and the lyrics to a host of German marching tunes from the 30s. Retired metal forces colonel, Tufts Bearcat wrote the majority of the book while planning the invasion of Iran in 2015. Liner notes market the action-packed composition as “victories, gruesome tales and hairy escapes that would make a drill sergeant cry”.  Bearcat is most famous for his anthology Hemmingway’s Pencil, the first novel to use intimate objects as its main characters.

– Finn McCool

New $10,000 bills exclude poorer Americans

Business News

(Fort Knocks) The newly minted and much publicized $10,000 bill will not be available to the general public it was announced today. Excluding the impoverished and the dwindling middle class from the upgrade, the move once again stacks the deck in favor of those who already have all the money.

One affluent and well insulated inequality pioneer sneered at the prospect of sharing the wealth with those fiscally beneath him.

Saying that poor Americans “would only hurt themselves with the swollen currency”, billionaire, Invidious T. Morganthau, told us: “Only the well- heeled will have the money to buy these and use the currency properly,” he sniffed? “It’s a non-issue.”

The author of the rarely reviewed Caucasians at the Racetrack continued, insisting that the bills would swiftly cease to be a premium or even fall out of circulation if the poor had access to them.

“They would get them dirty,” he said, “whereas the rich would keep them in their safes and take them out only clean them and to show off down at the country club,” he explained.

“Imagine these valuable bills circulating depressed neighborhoods. They’d be either spent on drugs or stolen,” he continued. Think of the counterfeiting that would go on in back alleys and crack houses.”

“And what would the great unwashed have to put up for collateral anyway?” he mused. “Dangerous thinking of this type needs to be eradicated before our big, beautiful feudalistic with freedom for all system is obliterated. Moat or no moat, private armies or not, brain washing be damned — there are still more of them than us.”

Other brahmans chimed in saying the entire matter was ludicrous.

“Most of these types have never even seen a $100 bill much less one of these $10,000 babies,” offered Wyatt Wyatt, another silver spoon pirate who has managed to spin his boyhood inheritance into a vast fortune by selling defective condoms in emerging nations.

“Just look at the average life expectancy of a hundred dollar bill in the hands of the desperate for instance. They get it and spend it right away. They have no sense of financial management or the dangers of inflation. I have witnessed this behavior time and time again in my career,” he shook his head.

While Donald the Trump will grace the $10,000 bill, a second minting will feature The Rogue Supreme Court on the front with a fully camouflaged Mike Pence on the back. The $5000 will be minted only through the summer season as a souvenir or keepsake for wealthy Russian tourists who can still afford a vacation in the U.S.

Where to get yours: Contact White House Brokers across from the Conflict of Interest Memorial or at any of our 50 Wall Street locations. Potential buyers must show white-collar tax records (of some kind) and proof of net worth. And remember what your your banker says: Just because you may have earned your first paycheck from questionable commerce is no indiction that you should rely on this alternate markets to secure these monetary units at your new found status.

“The average American does not understand money or have respect for large sums,” smiled Morganthau. “It would be instant anarchy if these bills spilled out into the mainstream.”

– Fred Zeppelin