All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
Newswriting Contest #611
You think it’s easy writing this crap?
We’ve already written several stunning headlines.
Now all you have to do is write the accompanying stories.
Choose at least four headlines and write a short news story for each:
Missing woman found in backyard, escapes to front porch. Police baffled (subhead).
Dogs take matters into own paws. Angry over leash laws and kowtowing.
Local man discovered at other end of the broom
Many in Arizona frightened of cactus
Colorado Springs forges ahead with laundromat-library concept
Nuggets may return to short shorts before long
Colona Open puts pressure on closed services
Venison chewing gum approved by FDA
Silverton man nabbed in Eureka spy triangle
Your news accounts must avoid capitalizing on cheap jingles, misdirected sayings,
puffed up warnings, wives’ tales, and bothersome superstitions.
First Prize:
Win free tuition Famous Newspaper Writing School: ($250,000 value)
with unbelievable giveaway of Superior Lesson (for example):
Composing your own funny obituary
& How to safely interview breakfast meat
Taliban Buying Pickups
(Silverton) Representatives of the outlawed Taliban will be in town this week purchasing small pickups used in their military operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The militant Islamic sect reportedly goes through 200 of these vehicles per month due to military action and general deterioration due to rough roads, harsh climates and driver abuse.
Taliban movements, thought to be limited to South Asia, were neither confirmed nor denied by local authorities. Persons wishing to sell vehicles are advised that this is considered treasonous and that all transactions are cash only.
Many locals here say they figure drones (unmanned missiles) will get most of the trucks once they arrive in Afghanistan.
“I don’t see anything wrong with selling a lemon to these bastards,” said one woman, “besides I need the money for firewood.”
The Taliban are expected in Ouray on Friday and in Paonia on Saturday unless they are intercepted and blown up by U.S. Coast Guard. A bounty of $500 has been placed on the assembled heads of these desperate assassins who say they snuck into the country on an illegal Barnacle Cruise last week.
“They are especially interested in Nissans and Hondas and they appear willing to deal for parts,” said the source. “They are avoiding larger models such as Explorers, Tahoes, Yukons and Hummers since they associate these large SUVs with Born Agains.”
According to one rather talkative Taliban, dressed in a loud, plaid burka, “Mohammed, or even Jesus would not have driven one of these opulent chariots and neither shall we.”
– Alfalfa Romero
Pandemic sanity in a bottle
We may still be stranded in the Colombian Andes but we’ve made some wonderful friends along the way. The finest rum on the planet keeps everyone pretty mellow. The demanding daily consumption quota for residents of Jardin has been established by official government decree. Rumor has it that number will go up with the discovery of 200 more cases of 8-year-old Ron Caldas hidden under the historic cathedral for a special occasion. (Photo by David Mullings)
This formula proves that masks work in controlling elements of the virus
If some of our countrymen still don’t get the picture take a few moments to show them this. They won’t get it but it might frighten them into wearing protection.
Monarch sponsors gravity seminar
The Tenth Royal Monarch Ski Legion will sponsor a Gravity Seminar on Wednesday, July 8, for people who believe in that sort of thing. The morning presentation is meant to bring attention to the “perils, plights and pitfalls” of summer skiing in dry and paltry conditions while the afternoon sessions will focus on the dangers inherent in falling from heights any time of the year.
“We must educate our following to the as to the risks of injury while skiing during daylight hours and on the hazards of driving around at night, even if you are caucasian,” said Wyreen “Poles” Ackerman, PhD, BFD, LSMFT, the academic credited with coordinating the lectures which are expected to raise more than $50 for charity.
Not to be confused with gravy, gravity is defined as the natural phenomenon of attraction between massive bodies. The use of the word gravity to denote the seriousness of a situation or the solemnity of behavior could certainly be implied according to sources familiar with this kind of thing.
While many have attempted to thwart these physical laws, few have succeeded. The date for the seminar is appropriate in that it is the last day of summer ski season, as we know it. Flat Earth snowboarders will not be admitted until after the baby shower exhibit is retired for lunch. No capes, feathers or oversized umbrellas will be permitted on the grounds during the colloquium.
Next Seminar “How Do Airplanes Stay Up in the Sky?” is slated for August 13. Bring a covered fish. No Irish.
Nuns Have Nuclear Weapons
(Santa Fe) In a shocking disclosure the U.N. Atomic Energy Commission today confirmed rumblings that a remote sect of Catholic nuns has developed nuclear weapons and is working on a sophisticated system of delivery.
The Little Sisters of Hopeless Causes, a cloistered order located in a secret compound in Northern New Mexico, has allegedly isolated a source for plutonium and has conducted extensive tests with live warheads says the world body. Although no direct threats have been made it is surmised that the sisters will use the weapons as educational aids in lieu of ruler slaps on the palms, ear locks and bat kneeling, effective methods held over from the Spanish Inquisition.
In an anonymous letter, with perfect punctuation and penmanship, a group calling itself Nuns With Nukes, not only admitted to possessing the warheads but taunted incorrigibles around the world to “step up to the plate” if they didn’t like it.
“We have a right to defend ourselves from sectarians, anarchists, atheists and especially students who can’t sit still in class,” said one sister. “We are putting these disruptive elements on notice: Straighten out or else!”
The news, which understandably has students at Catholic schools in a heightened state of anxiety, was met with alarm by religious leaders all over the world.
“These sisters still wield a lot of power behind the scenes,” said a Papal spokesperson. “Even the Pope doesn’t know what to do with them when they get in this state.”
At press time negotiators are attempting to convince the more moderate elements of Nuns With Nukes to give up their weapons in return for a shot at the priesthood.
– Sir Otis of Liver
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with this country and therefore nothing to fix. So, if elected I’m just gonna sit on my butt, collect a nice paycheck, utilize the great health care and enjoy life at the top. Then I’ll start collecting my well deserved pension.”
– Big “Johnny” Ladron, candidate for the House of Reprehensibles
