All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
County Could See Solar Cows by 2025
(Ridgway) If genetic research stays on track local solar-operated cattle could grace local pastures by spring. Already progress has been swift in the area of bovine support systems and fuel additives aimed at changing the way the animals get their nourishment.
For centuries domestic cows have been fed on grasses and other roughage with predictable results on the methane gas end. There is also the rising cost of suitable fuel and the constant clean-up effort. With the application of solar principles the tedious chores of feeding and irrigation will end, the entire operation run by one person from his laptop.
“Some old-timers are resistant to these genetically altered improvements,” said Dr Alice Phallfa, of Sunnyside Slope Extension Service. “But they had better get out the way. Science marches on, even in the hay fields and barnyards of jerkwater America.”
Phallfa says the concept is solid and that cows can run on power generated by the sun for up to 15 hours per day. In addition they do not wander far from pasture batteries and elaborate systems of fence are no longer necessary.
“The quality of dairy products and beef does not suffer in the solar test breeds either,” she continued. “In fact many people prefer solar produced milk and cheeses. We hope to expand this breakthrough to include goats and sheep too.”
Phallfa refused to comment when asked about the controversial Morning After Mad Cow Pill which is already in circulation in places like Asia, Africa, Europe, South America, Mexico and Canada.
“We’d like to thank the San Juan Horseshoe for the extensive coverage of a subject that other periodicals are afraid to undress,” she skirted. “Without courageous journalists like this we’d be back in the stoned age.”
In a related update it appears that the Ridgway Farmer’s Market has beat the white slavery rap that has hounded that agricultural contingent for the past months.
“We do not and have never sold farmers at any of our produce affairs,” said a spokesperson. “We do not condone human bondage, unless of course it is within the privacy of the home and with adult consent, and have never suggested it as a viable alternative to free range eggs or organic lettuce.”
Off the record the spokesman admitted that white slavery might be lucrative, especially during the winter months but that the population no longer seems interested in buying farmers anymore what with the new City Market and all the wonderful fast food outlets only a short drive away in Montrose.
It was not clear if any of this indicates a general economic slowdown across the nation or if humans would survive another decade eating out of cans.
– Melvin O’Toole
Melvin O’Toole has published over 10,000 articles on hermetically altered foods. He won a Pulitzer Prize in 1995 for word length in his literary contribution Them Beets Are After Me, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Former newspaper joins gov’ment in printing funny money
(Colona) They’ve fired up the web press over at the abandoned depot here churning out the fourth lot of US currency backed by nothing more than hopes and good wishes.
Adorned and enhanced by the alphabetical portraits of obscure US Presidents the bills look the same as official tender but without religious references or pyramids. John Adams, cousin Quincy, Chester A. Arthur and James Buchanan highlight the first four runs and they’re reportedly gearing up for the two Bushes, Jimmy Carter and Grover Cleveland tonight.
“We’ll see this through Washington and Wilson if need be,” promised an unidentified pressman. “Already we have numismatics banging on the door looking for tokens. Some say they are waiting for the Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren bill to be released. They say dollars embellished with the faces of these ambiguous souls will be worth more than their denominations in no time at all.”
This rogue production has been funded and piloted by the San Juan Horseshoe since May without federal sanction or endorsement of any kind. The currency, limited to 20s and 50s has been circulated in needy sectors where front-line workers live. Calling the money counterfeit local treasury officials pledged to “come down hard” on the printing operation.
The Horseshoe was published for 43 years as a newspaper and has now morphed into a slick website: sanjuanhorseshoe.com. The editors say they have grown tired of pledges from the Treasury Department that the irresponsible printing of currency would terminate just as soon as the economy returns to normal.
“How long has the US dollar been off the gold standard or even the silver standard?” asked one master printer. “All we’re trying to do is funnel the money into the right hands. We all saw where many of the PPP and SBA loans ended up.
“The problem is that they have the entire plant camouflaged to look like an old school house,” said one mint enthusiast. “We have narrowed it down to one of five existing structures. Now all we have to do is look for ink marks and listen to the soothing sounds of a sheet-fed press in action.”
The Great Communicator draws a mustache on a Rutherford B Hayes portrait while his loving wife, Nancy looks on approvingly
The illegal printing of unsecured currency takes place after dark and the new money is moved from place to place in small batches in private vehicles. Most remains in the state but the crisp new bills have been spotted as far away as Moline.
“They’re just doing the same thing as the feds,” said Lacey Gutenberg, an attorney for the precise engravers who plan to release coinage into the uncertain atmosphere as a protest against flimsy legal tender. “The feds print play money and so do my clients.”
Currently clandestine collaborators are searching for a complimentary Ronald Reagan portrait to use on an organic, commemorative $100 that is wholly edible and easily converted into a life preserver in the event of a crash.
-Tommy Middelfinger
Zombie Banking Enjoys Day in the Sun
Zombie banking appears to be at its pinnacle after disclosures that some 1.4 billion dollars has been sent to the dead as part of an Coronavirus economic stimulus.
Whether surviving recipients of the misguided checks will have to pay back the money was not clear although Treasury Department sources insisted that recently reported numbers are askew and that only around 2 billion was forwarded in appropriately.
“We sent out billions and they are making a stink about a few humanitarian windfalls that went to the dear and departed,” cried one accountant who said he was out smoking a cigar when the final figures were tabulated.
Other payouts have reached those who are still alive for now but are taking few precautions in the face of a pandemic. Federal spokespeople would not comment when asked if the whole charade was dependent on a continued death chant.
“Our worse case scenario is that a countryman receives a check then drops dead before he can cash it,” said a top-level treasury official.
Critics of the mass payout say the government has no right to print hoards of money and distribute it in such a haphazard manner.
And some say voting by mail would lead to disaster.
– Small Mouth Bess
Sneffels niega rumores comerciales
(East Dallas) Mount Sneffels negó hoy vehementemente los rumores comerciales que bombardean el país. La charla se ha elevado a altos niveles de decibelios desde el Día de los Caídos, lo que sugiere que el triunfador histórico desaparecerá en otoño.
Los escenarios vuelan como un cuervo incontinente en una cita a ciegas con un contenedor de basura. Lo más probable, dicen los de adentro, Sneffels será cambiado por una cresta de montañas más jóvenes de West Elks o Maroon Bells. Las especulaciones anteriores que conectan el pico de 14.150 pies con rangos menores, como LaSals (en Utah) o Sangre de Cristos, han sido hundidas incluso por bloggers comunes. Algunos apuestan a que la montaña terminará fuera del estado, mientras que otros dicen que una transacción internacional está en el horizonte. De cualquier manera, un vacío parece aparente.
Sneffels, según los agentes, ha caído en desgracia con los sanjuaninos que podrían estar buscando abrazar un contingente juvenil de roca. El año pasado, varios picos vecinos se quejaron de que la montaña, a menudo decorada, se derrumbó en una situación difícil e hizo poco o nada para acomodar la vida silvestre o alentar el deshielo. Los tacleos perdidos, las malas elecciones de tiro, acampar en el área de penalización y la incapacidad de quedarse sin pelotas han creado un clima de desconfianza, incluso resentimiento a niveles alpinos.
“La reconstrucción siempre ha sido un momento difícil para las cadenas montañosas”, dijo Zach Goldman, agente de la montaña. “A veces, los viejos amigos son barridos bajo la alfombra alpina y se produce una especie de progreso que hace difícil distinguir el bosque de los árboles. Todo comenzó con arbitraje y cláusulas de no comercio en los años 70 “.
Aunque Sneffels no está considerando retirarse, los socios cercanos dicen que la montaña podría aceptar un rol menor en el que no se presenta para los primeros ejercicios o para jugar todos los días una vez que la temporada ha comenzado.
El arreglo más probable es que Sneffels se sienta fuera del invierno y siga adelante en la primavera. El destino más probable: el Himalaya nepalés. Se han discutido los intercambios que involucran el pico Naya Kanga de los Tigres Langtang o posiblemente los gigantes del sujetalibros, los picos Chulu desde más allá en el Rango Annapurna. Kanga trae energía de ambos lados del campo, mientras que los niños Chulu ofrecen velocidad y poder de permanencia a más de 6000 metros.
“Sneffels vale más que otra serie de domos de inmigrantes”, dijo Guy Guy, ex entrenador de los Fossil Ridge Rangers, una masa elevada de ligas menores. “Muchas de estas montañas extranjeras son demasiado sensibles a los elementos. Son volcanes listos para explotar a la menor provocación ”, dijo.
“Una pequeña sacudida es lo que necesitamos en los San Juanes, contrarrestaron un pico de Uncompahgre de alto nivel, que ha dominado Sneffels durante siglos. “Estas montañas se están volviendo demasiado cómodas con la disposición actual. Tal vez es hora de que Sneffels se arrodille. La última vez que la vimos prosperar en el juego de poder fue hace 15,000 años. Sin velocidad de murciélago. ¡Cinco faltas y estás fuera! El viejo pretexto “que viene” a la montaña cuando viene “no funciona en estos tiempos Cenozoicos”.
Uncompahgre dice que la limpieza de una casa de gran altura está en orden.
“Soy el perro grande de la ciudad”, continuó. “Y tampoco me refiero solo a la elevación. Solo hay suficiente espacio en este rango para uno de nosotros “.
A medida que la saga se apaga para la temporada baja, queda la pregunta de cómo la litosfera podría realinearse con estas derivas o intercambios continentales que se avecinan. Sneffels ha seguido revolcándose en la negación, adoptando un comportamiento de mala cara, sin comentarios, mientras los analistas miden los puntos críticos sísmicos, buscando señales de la falla más pequeña en el exterior estoico de la montaña.
– Boca Pequeña Bess
LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE
(Colona) The United States Forest Service has issued a warning to all humans using the public lands: Leave new wildlife alone! Cubs, fawns, chicks and other infant mammals, not mobile enough to travel with their mother while she hunts for food, are often left behind in a safe place. If left undisturbed, the babies will be rejoined by parents and nurtured till dawn’s early light.
Interruptions on the part of nosy humans create big problems according to the Colorado Division of Wildlife.
“Predators do their dirty work to be sure,” said Jack Spratt of the DOW. “That’s part of nature. It’s when these do-gooders and technological throwbacks get involved that we have real problems.”
Spratt says people should follow common sense rules and leave the babies alone.
“How would human parents feel if resident deer and/or chipmunks on vacation monkeyed with their infants when they stepped out for a breath of fresh air or to hit the can?” he stressed. “They wouldn’t like it.”
The proper response is always to avoid interrupting the natural relationship between animal families. If someone discovers a potential orphan he should leave it be at least until the DOW has had time to contact the parent. In addition, it is highly illegal to adopt a fawn or cub. At present there are over 2000 inmates doing hard time in Colorado prisons for these infractions.
“This doesn’t mean people can’t squash flies and mosquitoes no matter what their age,” said Spratt. “They are considered pests and have little use except to enterprising spiders and hungry bats.”
Another bugaboo is dogs and cats. These natural predators see young wildlife as dinner. It’s up to the owner to monitor pet behavior and thus protect infant deer or rodents from these often sporting carnivores. Training or restraining canines and placing a bell on the collar of prowling, domestic panthers is not likely to achieve this balance.
“The ending to the story can be happy or sad depending on the human factor,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe, adding that in over 43 years, this was the first functional USFS press release received by his periodical.
In a related story, the feds denied reports that dropping 4500 new porta-johns in National Forests throughout the West would disturb the wildlife there. The pooper shacks are deemed necessary where people are charged camping fees or admission. Insisting that the potties are placed in areas already contaminated by human smells, the feds’ software insists that animals don’t venture into these environs anyway.
In a further release from combined federal agencies it is apparent that the potties are a definite go. These custodians of the forest are the same ones responsible for erecting over 14 million brown and white signs on public lands from Medellin Falls to Bisbee since Teddy Roosevelt’s day. Critics say the feds might have limited the number of signs to about 20 and thus preserving the natural ambience of the forest.
-H.L.Menoken