All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"
Gun Lobbyists Angry Over Dodging Bullet Reference
(Washington) The weapons industry is up in arms this morning after a wire services report asserting that the group had “dodged a bullet” on further gun control legislation.
The noted reprieve allegedly occurred after the House voted to table a discussion on further background checks at the time of a purchase and the option of a follow-up investigation if red flags present themselves down the road.
Several Republican gun proponents say the terminology was insensitive and it suggested they could make great targets.
“These enemies of the people will stop at nothing to turn America over to the socialists,” said one representative bankrolled by the weapons lobby.
“Just look around. The country is full of whackos with assault rifles and this article clearly puts pro-gun officials in the line of fire.”
The editors of this piece say they were not encouraging violence or enabling hate groups even though the other side does so every day. They say they were simply writing a headline and that the expression, while admittedly “close to the core” was spot on and “a damn good use of the language”.
When asked if they thought the media was in part to blame for gun violence they did not respond.
“These elected officials are trading the story and safety of their country for 40 pieces of silver, aren’t they?” asked one journalist who contributed to the report. “People are irresponsible and abusive with everything from umbrellas to paper clips. Why would we expect any difference from a man holding a loaded gun?”
Responsible gun owners, keen to separate themselves from all this pettiness in the capital, contend that all the laws in the universe would not keep guns out of the hands of criminals.
“They just buy illegally,” said one pro-gun activist. “We must change the consciousness of an entire nation that was built on violence. That won’t be easy but flapdoodle restriction on my owning guns is not the answer. I’ve got mountain lions running all over hell out at my place. If a hungry one comes to the door what should I do? Should I hit it with a dishtowel?
“While most gun owners are peaceful and responsible others should not have access to firearms at all. How could society achieve this balance without government intervention? Can these sociopaths be expected to police themselves?” he asked.
The “offended parties” threatened to take legal action after consultation with benefactors and a peek at the polls.
“The suggestion that they have dodged a bullet indicates that my clients were being shot at by someone,” said attorneys for the offended parties. “That statement alone incites violence and these scribes should be severely punished for irresponsible reporting, lewd partisanship and scapegoating.”
– Small Mouth Bess
SATAN’S FACE ON KIND BUD
(Montrose) Residents here claim to have glimpsed the face of Lucifer, the Dark Angel, on a marijuana bud. The image, foggy at best, does resemble a face but determining whose face might require expensive testing and could be cost prohibitive.
The face of Satan is clearly visible on a marijuana bud in Montrose say residents there. How this might affect the future of dispensaries there is not known. Currently the county has no recreational marijuana outlets and only two medical ones.
The image does not talk or move around in any way. It is generally detected by the more superstitious and those frightened by the variables of afterlife. The community has only two medical pot facilities and no marijuana dispensaries despite lucrative tax revenues.
Montrose, Delta and Mesa Counties may not have marijuana dispensaries but these counties have a burgeoning drug problem mostly in the form of meth and heroin.
“Legislating morality doesn’t work,” said one pot proponent here. “Look at the stats. Look at places where there is an attitude toward education and responsible living. That’s where drug addiction and wanted pregnancies are the rule not the exception.”
Others say the face of Satan is a sign and that people should not smoke pot.
“How much more do we need?” asked a county commissar who demanded anonymity. “Now we see clearly that marijuana is in league with the Devil. Most people around these parts get it all right. Why can’t people just stick to what’s legal? A big old steak and a Coors was good enough for my grandparents and it’s good enough for me.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
YOUR WEATHER
COLD DAY IN HELL
This Friday’s forecast calls for the metaphorical and proverbial cold day in hell with temperatures projected to plummet to the high 40s by smoky dawn. Already today we have observed people scurrying about trying to cover oaths and promises voiced in relation to the saying and the unlikely shift to cold weather down in quasi-tropical hell.
“It’ll be a cold day in hell when I work for you again,” they would say or “It’ll be a cold day in hell when I invite you to my funeral.”
Technically a negative analogy, statements like the above seek to compare the chances of and encounter with the chances of a phenomenon occurring. In the case of hell that phenomenon has never transpired.
A warming trend is expected by Sunday with highs returning to the more seasonal level of 137 degrees. Light winds are anticipated from Limbo and Purgatory by evening.
Toupee Warning Extended
A toupee warning is in effect for Ouray, San Miguel, San Juan, Gunnison, Hinsdale, Delta and Montrose Counties through Friday night due to high winds with particularly acute and sticky conditions lingering on in Dolores and Montezuma Counties through the weekend.
The odd caveat is particularly perilous in tree-covered regions above 7000 feet near rocky slopes. Persons in those Region Zen can look forward to high, unpredictable winds that will make wearing toupees, hair pieces, tasteful wigs and even the more flamboyant hats a hazardous endeavor.
Many counties have already seen law enforcement personnel confiscating the artificial tufts due to cutting, vengeful, gusting winds roaring through Edith Bunker National Forest and the skimming the lightly defended Peaks of Cannabis Village Retirement Home. To the south star gazers will be delighted with the night skies as the wind subsides whooshing and whistling, albeit methodically, its disruptive way to the Sea of Cortez..
Scientists Isolate Antidote for Molybdenum
(Gothic)) Research associates at the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory here have successfully unleashed a new formula that removes neutral ions and most base elements common to the substance called molybdenum. The breakthrough, called revolutionary in even the most conservative circles, isolates the moly then strips it away from mountain veins in a classic precipitation by suspended vapor.
Celebrated as the homogeneous answer to the mining vs. environment issue here, the formula is expected to be stitched together using a prehistoric DNA spur solution and synthetic genomes left lying around last summer then applied undiluted where the existence of moly is most chronic. When there’s no more molybdenum, there’s no more need to extract the stuff from the ground.
“We’ll probably spray the mixture in its liquid state all over Red Lady by air,” said one activist, “then pipe clean water and air into the exposed cavities so to muck out holdover minerals. The key is to complete the distribution of the antidote without awakening the natural gas fields, coal deposits, gold and silver ore and zinc strains that have always run through these mountains. The process is simple enough and reasonably safe although we are replacing the atomic structure by occupying interstitial positions above 12,000 feet
Molybdenum is used to harden steel. In addition to military uses, the alloy is used to manufacture tennis racquets and mountain bikes. Heavy deposits are found in Iran, parts of Russia and in Colorado. For decades, most people in Crested Butte have fought attempts to mine the alloy saying mining conflicts with lifestyles and livelihoods for the majority of residents.
It ain’t cheap to buy land here however under the controversial Mining Law of 1872 the feds sold Phelps Dodge 155 acres near the town for $875 despite an estimate, by the dark-souled company, that the land could produce up to $160 million in profits over 10 years. Fractional ownership?
“That’s a pretty good chunk of land for the money,” said Marigold Sonovobitche, a realtor from Vermont who now lives here. “That was public land owned by the people of the United States who had no say whatsoever in the transfer. I just hope Snodgrass is safe from the mining companies so that the ski area can expand. Imagine what rumbling ore trucks will do to all the trophy homes dotting the hills above Mt Crested Butte?”
None of the companies who got in on the recent windfall will pay the federal gov’ment so much as a penny for the value of minerals extracted. Newmont Mining, located in Denver, has claimed an estimated 350,000 acres of public land in the western United States while Canadian and Australian companies round out the top ten recipients on mineral welfare.
“Hopefully we won’t have to deal with all that if there’s no more molybdenum,” said Harriet Condo who admits that it’s far more enjoyable riding bikes and skiing than monitoring the federal government.
“Why can’t they just mine in Gunnison?” she asked. “People down there like that sort of thing. Why can’t those bad ol’ Canadians go back to Canada or wherever they’re from? Why can’t the US invade other countries that have molybdenum and leave Crested Butte alone?”
The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency estimates that mine wastes contaminate 40 percent of western headwaters. The agency adds that taxpayers should pay the $35 billion cleanup bill that is increasing daily. That’s a tough solution to a problem that won’t just go away. The mining companies won’t clean up after themselves.
“We’re not against normal growth but tough love at less than a dollar an acre is just another taxpayer rip-off,” added Sonovobitche.
– Alabaster Max
Dinner Nursery Rhymes
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Once upon a time a rather precocious Goldilocks went for a walk in the woods. Losing her way she came upon a large house with a sign saying: Private Property: Keep out! – The Bear Family. Ignoring the warning Goldilocks went inside. She saw three chairs. “One is too big,” she said. “The other is too soft, but the little one is just right. Somehow all three chairs got turned over and broken.
Then in the kitchen, after pocketing some silverware, it was more of the same: “This plate is too worn while the middle one is too fragile but the little one is just right. The porridge was freeze-dried. She left a mess in the sink.
On into the bedroom she went and, after checking for valuables in all the drawers Goldilocks saw three beds. “The big one is too hard,” she said, “while the medium sized one is too soft, but the little bed is just right.” Then, after using the bear’s toothbrushes and helping herself to a bubble bath, she fell asleep.
Moments later the Bear Family returned, mauled the intruder, and ate Goldilocks for dinner. When an investigation was mounted the Bears were exonerated on the basis of the Make My Day Law.
The Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time there were three little homeless pigs. After receiving their welfare checks they all bought building materials so as to construct houses. The first pig built his of straw, the second of sticks and the third of brick. Then, in what appeared to be a matter of minutes the Big Bad Wolf showed up threatening to Huff and Puff and Blow the houses in. Well, he wasn’t kidding. The first house was easy, the second required a bit more wind, and the third house was leveled with the assistance of Israeli Army units who just happened to be in the neighborhood looking for Palestinian terrorists. Then the Big Bad Wolf ate up all three of the pigs, and kept their earnest money. He would have offered some to the bulldozer crews but they were kosher.
Hansel and Gretel
Once upon a time a brother and sister act, Hansel and Gretel ran away from an evil stepfather back at the ranch. So as not to lose their way in the enchanted forest they dropped microwave popcorn along their trail. Unfortunately magpies ate it all (duh?) and the children became lost. After a few hours they came to a witch’s house made of candy, gingerbread and icing. They peeked into the window, began eating the insulation and siding. Soon they were caught by the witch, who had no sweet tooth to speak of, and thrown into a birdcage. The witch then fattened up Hansel and Gretel like common veal on gruel and bad Mexican food for about two weeks. Then one morning she chicken fried the two and ate one for lunch and one for dinner. She was later arrested and indicted on charges of cannibalism and is doing time as a political prisoner in Canon City.
Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon another time Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to bring wine and cheese to grandma’s condo on the golf course. On the way she was intercepted by The Wolf who had only moments before gobbled up grandma, her assets and her poodle. Then he stole her RV. The wolf approached in a gentlemanly manner but Little Red Riding Hood, who held a black belt in Tai-Kwon-Do was having none of it.
He quickly split, retracing his steps to grandma’s condo. The wolf, a known transvestite, changed into grandma’s clothes and hopped on the bed in apprehension of Riding Hood’s arrival. When she called out at the security gate (which the wolf had earlier easily scaled while the guard was out smoking a joint) and the wolf answered in his best grandma voice: “Yes, dear. I’m in here.”
When Riding Hood, a graduate of Western Colorado State University, came into the room she knew something was wrong but went into the familiar refrain “What big eyes you have. What a big nose you have, etc., covering the facial features, bodily gestures, breath and encroaching fur, ad nauseam. When she said something about his big, white, shiny teeth the wolf (who had been waiting all day to deliver his line) uttered those immortal words: “All the better to eat you with!” Then he followed through and ate her all up, washing her down with the bottle of cheap white wine that was too sweet for even a wolf.
Having finished his second dinner of the day the tired wolf emptied the liquor cabinet and strolled out of grandma’s condo only to be shot fifty times by the local police who had come to bust the gate guard. He was then sold to a famous food chain and made into chicken fingers.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill as we all know, but what happened then was shocking. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill, thinking he had expired ate him for lunch. He tasted better than the peanut butter and jelly that mother had packed that morning. Jill claimed insanity and is currently under house arrest in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where everyone lived happily ever after.
How To Meet Other Vegetables
(Denver) Hey there tomato, steamed about the coming of another summer while you’re lonely on the vine? Plant yourself in the sunny garden of earthly delights like a snap bean on a mission and who knows what might turnip.
First of all one must effectively squash all notions as to parsnips that may occur in the single world. All vegetables are different and the seeker must employ a variety of tactics in each case. Example: If you’re attempting to get the attention of an early potato don’t show up a half hour late. If you are attracted to a sweet Bermuda onion don’t hang out in Montreal.
While relationships between vegetables like kohlrabi and Chinese cabbage are rare they are not impossible just so long as both parties take into account differences in religion and ethnic origin. The Swiss chard can be happy with eggplant but only if they understand each other’s needs and leave the baggage at a storage unit.
Nobody wants to be seen as an afterthought. Even okra, parsley and peppers need to feel like the special of the day too. Never mind that corn, tomatoes and sweet potatoes are seen as supplements to the major fare. NOBODY WANTS TO PLAY SECOND FIDDLE ON A BED OF RICE. It’s far more effective to start the relationship with an equality and pick and chose accessory characters as you proceed. A pumpkin will not act in the supporting roll. Head lettuce wants to be in charge. Watermelons have lots of seeds.
Perhaps the most important element necessary for a strong bond is personal appearance and behavior. Nobody likes a dirty cucumber or lentils with improper hygiene. Kale that has turned soft will never be harvested. This goes for peas, okra, radishes and onions too. In every love relationship there are rhubarbs that cannot be avoided but they will be less frequent if one follows a constitution that fertilizes as well as waters.
Finally, and possibly the most important: Don’t hang out in endives if you want to meet quality crops. It’s better to go to the nicer places. Some great spots to meet other vegetables include outdoor markets, perennial organizations, canning seminars, greenhouses and some truck farms. Places to avoid include the frozen food aisle at the grocery, transient produce roadside stands, and as we have already said, smoky endives of all sorts.
We sincerely hope this concise advisory will help you stay warm and cozy this coming winter. Always remember: You have to dig in some dirt, my friend, if you want that garden to grow.
“The conflict in Europe was terrible and violent, Amanda (former slave and survivor of the Valentine Farm Massacre) told her sailor husband years later, but she took exception to the name. The Great War had always been between white and black. It always would be.”
– from The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead.
