All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"
IRISH MINERS UNEARTH MASSIVE GUINNESS VEIN
(Allihies, West Cork Eire) Miners digging potatoes on the Beara Peninsula have discovered the largest vein of Guinness Stout known to man or beast. Ascending from the Finn McCool Mine, workers could barely contain themselves with the talk of eternal flows and a return to the good old days when a pint was less than two Irish pounds.
The find, at the foot of the Mashed Potato Mountains, appears to be almost twice the size of a similar discovery registered near Ballyferriter in 1923. The dark ruby liquid found here contains a much higher level of barley, a major ingredient in the porter brewing process.
“The isinglass finings from fish air bladders common to most Guinness samples is absent here,” said Brian O’Sullivan, head mining engineer at McCool. “That means vegetarians can enjoy a glass. It’s a great day for the thirsty!”
The quiet village of Allihies, at the end of the Beara Peninsula, near the site of the discovery.
O’Sullivan said the mine was not concerned with rampant high grading on the part of workaday miners.
“Even these lads can’t carry out enough to make a dent in the supply,” he smiled.
The first Guinness deposit was revealed during a particularly gruesome hurling match (between Clontarf and River Liffey) by one James “The Gallant” Markey near Dublin in 1869. At the time people here thought it was a gift from the saints. Later it became apparent that these veins were quite rare indeed and common only to Ireland.
The find seems to be intact and after preliminary tapping is expected to flow for decades, glutting the market and driving down the price of a pint here in Ireland. How it will affect the price of Guinness worldwide was not known at present.
The Archdiocese of Cork is calling the discovery a miracle and has petitioned the Pope for recognition.
“Holy Mother the Church can smell a farthing from across the continent. Everybody wants in on the action,” said O’Sullivan, of nearby Healy Pass. “Our family has been making poteen with hickory, ash and oak fires , down in a hole under what is now my brother’s house since 1792 and the Vatican hasn’t once been by for a visit. Meanwhile the local vicar, has developed quite a taste for our single pot whiskey. He says it helps him write his fiery sermons.”
Once assayed, the “ore” will be shipped to Dublin for further pasteurizing and then drained carefully into kegs for safekeeping. Most of the stout will be stored in kegs and quite a bit of it will remain underground where it now resides at perfect the temperature for sipping.
“It’s like winning the Lotto,” said one bystander, glass in hand. “We haven’t seen anything like this since the Vikings came for tea.”
– Suzie Compost
WHETHER CHATTEL “WHITEWASHING” SAYS INFORMATION CIRCUS
Steer clear of volcanoes, earthquakes and tsunamis says The Wether Chattel. According to The Castigated Consumer “The excess of mindless information and the dissection of misleading trends leads to an overflow of disinformation. Hyped reporting leads to bogus worth. If it’s going to rain please tell us so and just leave it at that – We’ll take it from there. “Great resource if you’re not planning to leave the house.”
Horseshoe Lotto Fraudulent, Misleading Says State Treasurer
(Denver) Persons stupid enough to buy a San Juan Horseshoe Lottery ticket have about 1 in 30,000,000 chance to win any loot, according to state data reserves and unreliable casino sources up Confront Range canyons.
The State of Colorado, which would not release highly sensitive information on winning percentages in its popular Lotto programs, is investigating the Horseshoe for evidence of misdoings including possible extortion and kidnapping.
“The Colorado Gaming Commission was not amused by these ham-fisted and proletarian attempts to swindle the good people of Colorado and Wyoming. Never mind that the state has allowed gambling to diminish mining history and quality of life in palaces like Cripple Creek and creating cute little Disneylands and Bransons right in our midst,” said one former hardware store owner, turned Black Jack dealer in Central City.
“That entity (the Horseshoe) has no right to portray lotteries as the magic solution to social injustice and poverty. That is our job,” said an official release from Denver.
-Susie Compost
COWBOY CLASSIFIEDS (circa late 1800s)
JACK OF ALL TRADES General dealer in hardware, spurs, hoop skirts, dry goods, molasses, putty, cakes, grindstones, etc. Also teeth extracted for less, horns burned, shoes mended. Ned Buttman, Ames.
Needed: Night watchman for the Wyoming Territory. Looking for man who can work by himself, set own hours, provide monthly reports on the state of things up here. Emile Turlo, Pinedale Coiffures.
Will the woman who’s looking for wranglers to herd UFOs off her Montrose ranch please contact Red Babbs at the QBC Ranch in Colona. You can’t have UFOs because this is 1889 and they haven’t been imagined yet…that we know of. Maybe you should call an exorcist. However, I happen to be rustling work and would accept position as a managing cowpuncher. Resume upon request.
Will the British fella that spent last week at Ruby’s Dude Ranch please retrieve his britches. We’re an entertainment facility not a storehouse. After all these years of business the girls and I have never seen such a pair and failure to contact us will result in their display in the parlor window come Christmas of ’21. Ruby.
Need wrangler to escort sacred cows from Ft. Worth to Abilene. Good pay and bonus at the end of the drive. Carl Waco c/o Grapevine Stockyards.
Silent partner needed for bank heist January 30. Great pay if all goes well. Must have own tools and be handy with a sidearm. Anonymous drifter with bad teeth and scraggly beard preferred but will consider family man or elected official in need. Cole Younger, Monegaw Springs, MO.
Ed’s Fly Repellent. $2 a can. Guaranteed. Ohio City Store. Pitkin.
Exhausted and burned out gold digger, 22, seeks stable position in honest profession. Will consider restaurant work or livery attendant. I’ve been told I have very attractive legs if that makes any difference to ya. Betsy Bilkflower, Parrot City.
Sick of sagebrush and coyotes? British Empire seeks to repatriate former subjects for work in expansion of influence by force. Exotic travel to South Africa, India and Ireland. Good pay and citizenship in a growing concern. Lord Admiral Quelpp, Mercy Beet Hall, London SW. (June 10, 1910)
The 7th Cavalry is searching for entrance level trainees for reconnaissance work in South Dakota. Major Roy Custer, Bighorn Acres, Rapid City. No realtors. (September 8, 1870)
Need a set of 1883 henway headlights for my palomino and a drive train for my saddle. Can’t afford much on wrangler’s pay. John J. John, Spring Creek Herefords.
Fully matured, reimported whiskies by the glass. Beer imported all the way from St Joseph. Faro, race results by wire, poker on Thursdays. Red’s Gravy Heaven, Gladstone, CO.
Dishwasher needed for thriving Telluride restaurant/bar. Looking for Colorado native who is clean, organized, punctual and handy with his fists. Apply in person at the Senate Restaurant before 1886.
Homesteaders: Free land in Colorado. Apply by February, 1889 and 40 acres is yours. Owner must occupy land 30 days following agreement to file records at appropriate Quart House. Must make acceptable improvements before January, 1890. EOE.
Trail boss needed for trip between Waco and Dodge. Must be bonded and have comprehensive cow insurance. Horse provided if necessary (why put all those miles on your own horse?) $100 per month includes all the biscuits and coffee you can muster. Howard Appleton, HA HA Ranch, Lake City.
Want to rub elbows with Utes? A reception for Chief Ouray will be held at the Odd Fellows Hall in Uncompahgre City on March 7, 1879. Bring a covered wagon.
Store teeth for sale or lease. Hardly used. Dr. Harmony Chios. Upstairs the marshal’s office, Placerville.
Tin Cup town council seeks capable sheriff for fun loving gold camp. Last four gunned down. Term depends on luck and shooting straight. Survive the first few months and we will re-negotiate contract. Includes living quarters and bullets. Chance to move up. Decent pay and insurance. Send telegram to same. Cash on the barrel or the casket. We’ll pick you up in Almont.
Experienced proctologist needed for marathon cattle drive. Day work. Sam Mustache, Sneffels, CO.
Half bison, half longhorn puppies. Free to good home. Ask at the Ouray Livery.
Wanted: Modern 1880s-type woman to move to our gold camp. No funny business…we just want to look at you and maybe ask you to dance the two-step. Private quarters and buggy. 100 lonely miners, Gothic.
Roommate wanted for 1872 Chrysler New Yorker. Private entrance. No utilities. Prefer short person who does not snore. George Roscoe Lovinggood, somewhere in Alaska. This is not 1885.
Free to a good home: 40 acres on Log Hill free to first come. I’m just sick and tired of sweeping it. Big Nose Kate.
PRAIRIE DOG CATCHER needed for Pea Green and vicinity. Prefer someone with culinary background. Pastry chef would be perfect. Executive Chefs Placement, Wimpton.
Denver Nugget Cheerleader Counseling. Thursdays under the Tomichi Creek Bridge. Pay as you go, Gunnison Hibernians.
Anachronistic iconoclast paralyzed from the neck up seeks foxy female companion for winter solitude. Make sense to you? Wire Mulch in San Francisco or leave a massage at the Lombard Chiro.
I will flip coins for special events: football games, assassinations, weddings, funerals bar mitzvahs. Al Gore, Tennessee.
Registered Bigots wanted for experiments with cleaning fluid. Pay by the day. Insurance after a week. Box 615, Gunnison. We do not issue the Racist Card.
We have in our possession about 1.5 million dollars worth of marijuana left in a Tom Mix lunchbox behind the Anarchist Booth at the Revolutionary Breakfast Consortium Wednesday. Owner may claim by describing buds. Please come to the Montrose (CA) Police Department to claim. No phone calls.
TEXAS BIGGER THAN ALASKA – WCSU GEOGRAPHY DEPT.
Composted by Western Colorado State University Snooze Services
The state of Texas is about three hundred yards larger than the state of Alaska according to a study completed by the Western Geography Department in 2018. The findings, which conflict with a long held belief to the contrary, surfaced after extensive study in the area of shoreline erosion and ice pack statistics. The news was received with great jubilation in the Lone Star State while response in Alaska was less than enthusiastic.
“We think that it’s about time someone corrected these misinterpretations of natural law,” said a source in downtown Boyd (Texas). “For years we have suffered irreparable psychological and emotional damage by having to live with this cruel lie.”
From Juneau one legislator spat, “What do these kids know anyway! Most of them couldn’t find their way to Denver on a clear day.”
A leading news source up north, The Juneau What, echoed these sentiments, warning that Alaska has far more bear than any state and “knows how to use them”.
“The animals that have been encouraged to eat Texans will now see expanded menu items that include tourists from Western Colorado this summer. How these bruins have survived on berries is a miracle in itself but they too must get their protein,” said Jeff Brown, of the prestigious Cal Polygamy Cartoon Clinic, on loan to the What.
In addition to these stark findings, the geography department has determined that the Pacific Ocean is far wetter than the Atlantic and that, of all the locales in North America, the topographic realities of the city of Grand Junction most resemble the lunar surface.
A source within the geography department told The Horseshoe that his colleagues would stand fast on the findings no matter how controversial this whole sideshow becomes.
“We were as surprised as anyone when these facts emerged,” she said, “and pleased with all the donations earmarked for further study that have been arriving from Texas since the weekend.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Mother Nature Completes Anger Management Classes
(Delta) A clearly relaxed Mother Nature has successfully completed court-ordered anger management classes here in record time leading even cynics to believe she has calmed down. The last few years have seen hurricanes, drought and polar melt occurring at unprecedented rates leading to the mandatory sentence.
“We can’t tell if she has been rehabilitated or if she is just putting on a show,” said one emotions counselor who says he enjoys thunderstorms.
Although on unsupervised parole, for the next two years Mother Nature will be granted full mobility and access to former associates the wind and rain.
“It’s easy to see why she got angry in the first place,” said the counselor. “How would you like it if people trashed your yard?”
Authorities are taking a wait and see approach to further legal action against the former defendant.
