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Salem Fish Trials Causing Stir

(We join our piscatorial inquisition in progress)

Judge: So you say you are not and have never been a fish?

First Defendant: How come there aren’t any men up here accused of being fishes?

Bailiff: Quit the slime and just answer the question

Defendant: I am not a fish. I can’t even swim. The only reason I’ve been accused is that the neighbors think I’m weird…and I do cast spells on people and brew concoctions of black magic.

Judge: Enough! We are not here to dissect your social life or determine sexual preferences. We only want to know if you breathe through your gills or not.

Defendant: No. I am not a fish or even a reptile.

Judge: Burn her. Make sure the fire’s hot. Sometimes it’s hard to get these fish lit. Next…Hmm…I see here you have been accused of being a tuna. What have you to say?

Second defendant: I am no tuna. This whole mess can be explained. You see, five years ago I borrowed a gaffing hook from the neighbor and he says I never returned it. Then, when all this fish trial business started all the neighbors got together and decided to accuse me of being a fish, which of course is based on personal vendetta and has not an inkling of truth. Just because I don’t keep my lawn up to snuff, they want me dead. Therefore…

Judge: Silence! Are you or are you not a fish?

Defendant: No.

Judge: You look like a fish. Can you swim?

Defendant: Some but not under water.

Judge: How to you feel about evolution and the origin of the species?

Defendant: The E word is definitely not going on in the United States and the origin of the species, like everything else, comes wrapped in your grocer’s freezer.

Judge: How do you feel abut a side of hush puppies and slaw?

Defendant: I can tolerate them just so long as we’re not on the same venue.

Judge: Do you spawn?

Defendant: Well, maybe on the weekends but not…

Judge: Burn her. Now then, one more case and it’s time for lunch. Stand up wench. You have been accused of fishcraft. How do you plead?

Third Defendant: I am innocent. I am not and never have been a fish. I don’t like tartar sauce, spinning reels, worms or tide pools. I don’t even like to go to the beach. I hate jumping out of water without a wet suit and hate traveling around in schools. I may be an alchemist, ride around on a broom or wear a pointed hat, but I’m no fish.

Judge: Hmmm. You say you’re not a fish.

Defendant: That’s right. 

Judge: Not a carp, or a catfish? Not a shark or a whale? Not a pike or a perch?

Defendant: None of the above.

Judge: Sounds fishy to me. Burn her and throw a couple of ears of corn on the fire while you’re at it. It was a busy morning but now it’s time for lunch.

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