All Entries Tagged With: "sacred cowsand grazing"
SACRED COWS EXEMPT FROM GRAZING RESTRICTIONS
(Washington DC) Interior Secretary Runn Rabbit today admitted that a long list of sacred cows will be spared the confines of an innovative new public grazing bill that resides somewhere under his desk here.
Although Rabbit did not elaborate on the list, he promised that all the one-dimensional fringe groups that make up the Wheatfield Coalition would soon be appeased, even placated, by his new plan.
“If your average sacred cow wants to graze in the National Forests, there is little we can do to stop it from pursuing that end. Of course,” he said, “sacred cows come in all different shapes and colors depending on the region of the country one may reside in.”
Critics such as Sen. Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA), insist that Rabbit has ignored the fact that sacred cows do not graze at public expense in many locales east of the Mississippi since there is a short supply of grass and far too many people there.
“The simple fact is this,” mooed Noise, “cows, sacred or otherwise, don’t feel comfortable grazing in the more urban areas of the East due to the mass congregation of people, concrete and houses. In addition, they don’t enjoy standing outside at all hours in the Midwest due to the lousy weather,” he smiled. “Out here on the West Coast they don’t feel safe pasturing due to gangs and random violence. That leaves the Rocky Mountain states,” he continued, “as the only feasible spot in which even the most sacred cow can achieve any level of peace in the 21st Century”.
Responding to his critics, Rabbit has promised new legislation aimed at curtailing the population boom that now threatens the lifestyle of people living in the Rockies. He assured those in attendance in a bread line outside his office that the Brady Bill should end violence once and for all in America and that the ACA will easily end disease leaving a lot more time to concentrate on the plight of livestock.
“Everyone has faced a little barbed wire and a few essential cattle guards in his life, even if he lives in New York or Los Angeles,” declared Rabbit. “All the government has to do is back up the existing barriers with fortified walls and deep moats inhabited by piranhas and Republican-eating alligators,” he explained. “We’re currently dismantling our defenses along the Mexican border, due to the adoption of the North American Free Trade Agreement. We think these safeguards can be implemented to save the Rockies from overgrazing by man and/or beast.”
Rabbitt would not comment when asked how many cows have actually read the fine print in that particular document.
– Rory Lyons
