All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

NHL TO OFFER BULK ICE

(Toronto) The National Hockey League today announced that it would go ahead with plans to sell bulk ice this winter if labor problems continue. While most of the sales would take place in Canada, there would be extensive exports of the frozen water to the United States and Mexico as well.

A spokesman for the league told the Horseshoe that most of the ice now in place in rinks from Los Angeles to Montreal would be either placed on the auctioning block or sold outright as an often temporary  cooling agent.

“If these ragged players think they’re going to blackmail the NHL they have another think coming, heh?” said Lonnie LaBatt of the league front office. “They have accused us of siding with the owners! Can you believe the gall? Just because the owners created the league, gave us our jobs and write our paychecks…heh…do they think we can be bought?”

Meanwhile a player’s association source said that most of the executives attached to the game ought to show their true colors by cutting back on the talk and providing some action. He suggests that each franchise field a team comprised of owners, PR men, dysfunctional vice presidents and security personnel. This squad would then face actual NHL players in a knock down, drag out winner-take-all hockey game.

“We’d love it,” drooled Red McKoone, a rookie defenseman for the Detroit Redwings who is credited with collecting over 30 ears during minor league matches in and around Saskatoon since 2002.

Getting back to the ice sales, one executive explained that ice is a renewable resource and that it may as well pay its own way.

“If we turn off the cooling systems during a work stoppage we will inherit a pool of water,” he gestured. “If we pay to keep the stuff frozen we lose money. But if we break it up, bag it, and sell it through convenience stores and groceries we could make a killing. Imagine buying genuine NHL ice!” he shouted. “Why would anyone want anything else!”

A Western Colorado test market has reportedly been arranged for the experimental sales of the ice. Outlets in Parlin, Placerville, Colona, Austin, Whitewater, Maybelle, Bedrock, Sargents, Cahone and Rico should be receiving the new product by Wednesday. Smaller market areas should be included in the sales zone by Thanksgiving.

– Fred Zeppelin

Flying Columns
“Even in the middle of 1920 the entire (IRA) Brigade armament was only 36 serviceable rifles, some primitive bombs and 20 revolvers. This was the force that was to attempt to break by armed action the British dominance of seven centuries duration.”

– from Guerrilla Days in Ireland by Tom Barry

Capsulized Angler Psychograph

It’s time again for all those anxious anglers to surry all over our beaches and banks in search of the big catch. Since we all have to deal with their odd rituals it may help to classify these sportsmen by pattern of behavior and motivational structure. Once each fisherman is carefully placed in the correct category we can all relax and get a good night’s sleep once again. Pass the tarter sauce.

Quid Pro Cooler – This type of fisherman is only interested in filling up his cooler and getting back to the bar to watch baseball or bowling. He generally shows up on site with a cooler full of generic canned beer and becomes annoyed if he cannot immediately fill the space vacated by each beer with a cooperative fish. This kind of sportsman does not generally obey limits, sneers at game wardens, throws trash on the bank, snores when asleep, spits on the street downtown and may even be fishing without a license as we speak. But we suffer through a tourist economy here and we are happy to have him. Although he rushes off every morning before dawn in truth he’s a hack and cannot tell the difference between a slimy kokanee and canned salmon since his taste buds have been sabotaged by cheap cigars. Best way to deal with Quid Pro Cooler fisherman is to spike his salmon eggs.

Proverbial Troller – This creep prefers a boat so that no one can document his catch and release obsession. Expect to be subjected to foul language and a barrage of lies about how big everything may be. Often this fellow doesn’t even bait his hook and is convinced that it is more important to look good on the lake than to come home with a mess of trout. Eats smaller fish while no one is looking. His hushpuppies are always soggy and his filet knife is dull. The lies are bad enough but this kind of angler usually has bad breath to go with it but at least it keeps that fishy smell at bay. Use garlic marshmallows or baby grasshopper spit.

Fry Boy – This is the person who stands next to you urging you on. He has lots of advice about test line and spinning reels but he never rally gets near the water himself. Often prone to complain that ice fishing season is over. Big on corn meal and holding the net in expectation of that Mackinaw running up the bank. In addition to his next to new equipment this fellow is known to haul cookbooks, caste iron pans, table cloths and a tasteful center piece to the picnic grounds despite the complaints of other more hardy anglers. Despite his graduation from the late, great Botsie Spritzer’s Fly Fishing Academy this guy hasn’t got a clue but he sometimes has extra beer. Smoked sucker on the surface works best.

Femme Fishtail – Probably the most creative angler is the femme fishtail. She never baits her own hook and despite the fact that she knows more about fishing (from dad) than the boys, she plays dumb. Check out the high heel waders. She may be trolling for the Kingfish but the eager to please Minnow, already on the hook, will do for the time being. Notice that this fishing beauty never cleans or cooks either. She thinks fishing is stupid. She just enjoys flirting with the elements which includes any male within 100 yards. Good for her. She probably never even pays for her own fishing license. Trolling works best in murky waters. Use diamond necklace or pearls on #86 nylon test line.

Fly Fantasizer – This is the guy that stands all alone, down the bank, usually in an old trench coat, dark glasses and a dirty hat with lures attached. He scares the fish. He claims to tie his own flies but his fly is always down. Wears suspenders. Keep young children and small pets away from this guy. Not particularly olfactory in his piscatorial endeavors but always seems to be in the middle of the fish. His very presence suggests that maybe fishing is not a real sport after all. At home with carp. Often a high water daredevil, he’s the guy that’s casting while everyone else is filling sandbags. Bites on anything rescued from the local landfill.

– Small Mouth Bess

“If de land make you too hot, jump into de sea.”

– common advice on the island of Carriacou

Eagles headed north

The last of the river eagles say goodbye to Colorado until next fall. Spending the summer in the Canadian Rockies ain’t so bad. We hear the fishing is excellent. Photo by MJ Martin copyright 2019

Trophy Home Restrictions Set Precedent for 2020

(Mt Crested Butte) A far-reaching blueprint for the construction of further trophy homes here may have ramifications beyond the county say critics of the new legislation. Restrictions on size and height, in place for over a decade, had been challenged by second home owners and local contractors after one 850,000 square foot palace slipped through the cracks when nobody was looking in 2018

New designs, outlawing indoor pools and lavish aviaries, while demanding the inclusion of practical vomitoriums in all new housing has thrown a wrench in the works as the snow begins to melt. Although local plumbers praised the plan, many contractors and realtors say the scheme is aimed at punishing the rich, many of whom use the property rarely while jacking up housing costs for the common resident.

“This elitist approach to gov’ment must end before Mt. Crested Butte can take its place among affluent communities the world over,” said proponent of the plan, and caterer to the gladiators, Calvin Ligula, of West Onion Park. “Besides, a lot of the cardboard used in the construction of these mansions will not support the extensive tile and rock work associated with even the most primitive of retching facilities.”

“Kids, don’t become like Donald Trump. Study history.”– The Washington Post

Guthrie Rolls in Grave

(Tulsa, OK) Deceased activist/folk singer Woody Guthrie rolled over in his grave this morning after an announcement that 4000 more jobs would be shipped overseas. This corporate action, which dictates the closure of two plants in Michigan and one in Ohio, translates to more unemployment in an area hit hard over the last decade.

For those of you who have not been paying attention, multi-national corporations, in an attempt to secure cheap labor and tax breaks, have been setting up shop in Third World countries since various free trade agreements, including NAFTA, were concluded during the Clinton Administration.

Shock waves from the Guthrie incident, measured 5.2 on the Richter scale were felt all the way to Washington yet surprisingly there was little physical damage to the cemetery. The rumblings reportedly began early in the morning and lasted only a few minutes.

Guthrie, a pro-union activist, was particularly affective in encouraging union members to stand up for their rights in the 30s and 40s. The lyrics in his songs of the open road and the injustices he encountered still apply today.

In a related ashes to ashes development Paraguay announced that it was exhuming the remains of former dictator, General Alfredo Stroessner, who died in 2006. Uruguay will follow suit despite the fact that former dictator Juan Maria Bordaberry, who died in 2011, still pokes his head up every so and again. Both are accused and in some places indicted for crimes during their respective reigns. They were staunch anti-communists and allies of the United States.

It is not known if this action is directly connected to Guthrie.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“What is the matter with the poor is poverty; what is the mater with the rich is uselessness.” – George Bernard Shaw

Mud season bookings way up from ’18

Dirty Business Thrives on Sarcasm, Lilt

(Crested Butte) Forget about off-season. Bookings from mid-April to mid-May are up a whopping 35%. A newfound interest in what has historically been a dead time of the year here has provided encouragement to merchants and represents a boon to lodge owners.

“We can’t offer mainstream skiing or wildflowers,” said a spokesperson for the local chamber, “but we can offer them tranquility.”

Most of the visitors said they hope to spend their time in the backcountry where the skiing promises to be excellent all the way into June. Others told the Horseshoe that they just wanted to relax.

“This is a time of the year when we can enjoy the countryside without all the ski area sideshows,” said one visitor who first visited the Butte during Martian Ski Week in 2006. “I’m looking for solitude and time to reflect,” she said. “There are still plenty of restaurants open and the parking opportunities are incredible.”

These uplifting figures were tabulated on the heels of an ambitious plan to run Puritan squatters out of Washington Gulch and to pave Kebler Pass.

“A few hunhred scrawls o’ chaps with a couple o’ guns and Rosary beads, again’ a hunhred thousand thrained men with horse, fut an’ artillery…and he wants us to fight fair!”  – Sean O’Casey in The Plow and the Star (1926)