All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Vacant White House Offices Part of Grand Casino Designation
(Washington) Without precedence, the empty offices of former aides and cabinet members of the Trump Administration have become blatant eyesores in the nation’s capital.
Rampant employee turnover and departures/desertions by a host of former Trump advisors have precipitated an embarrassing interlude in the piggly-wiggly tweeting and puerile tantrums that have highlighted this Presidency.
The surprise proposal? The entire East Wing of the landmark residence could become a hotel and casino before the 2020 elections. This narcissistic solution has placated clear thinkers within the President’s base but has left the rest of the country wondering.
Supporters of the new construction say the venture is sure to be a hit with castlephiles and disposable eccentrics all over the world. They see no conflict of interest if a national monument becomes part of the Trump Empire where shoddiness, bad blood and bankruptcies abound.
Critics contend that Trump does not own the property and that he has no right make major architectural changes to the place. They warn that Republicans plan to privatize Rockland Park and drill for oil below most of the monuments and museums that grace Washington.
“Is this reality or just another realty television show?” many are asking
They further cautioned tradesmen, many who support Trump, that Donald does not pay his bills.
In addition, an elite 18-hole golf course, projected for the West Lawn in 2021, has been lauded by some as a multi-use project that will make use of undeveloped property in the center of the city. Meanwhile social scientists expressed dismay in that moves toward affordable housing and gentrification relief would be “seriously thwarted” by what they called “insensitivity to the greater good.”
In a related observation readers may recall the uproar in the Republican House and Senate when the Clintons suggested turning part of the White House into a bed and breakfast back in the 90s.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“Despite the proliferation of fear-based religion running rampant in my country I see a distinct and unsettling absence of spiritualism and an acute inability to face real life. Yes, most Americans can still sing and dance but few do.”
– Melvin Toole, somewhere on Highway 90, Montrose County, Colorado.
PET PARADE
with Dr. Efram Pennywhistle Jr, DVM, LSMFT.
WHEN SHOULD KITTY START DATING?
If I’ve heard it once I’ve heard it twice…Dr. Efram: When should my cat be allowed to date? Well, that is a good question, the make-up of which is within the makeup of the individual feline. Some cats are mature at two or three. Others have already shown themselves to be irresponsible by that time. One such miss that lived in our neighborhood produced 15 litters before she even had her driver’s license. What a slut.
If one’s family cat has been brought up properly and has the ability to distinguish between good and evil she should be able to be trusted on a chaperoned date with a Tom at adolescence. Never push kitty into the social scene though. Monitor the behavior herein while on an outing and have the Tom checked out by a local veterinarian.
When my sister’s cat first started dating my brother-in-law, Salvador, offered to drive the felines to the movies. This was working out well until Sal got his third DUI and lost his license. Now the same kitties take the bus or walk and manage to visit their driver/benefactor in the can on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That shows something.
In potential dilemmas it is imperative to keep a clear head. Trust is the key word. The way we treat a pet at the offset often determines the personality traits. If all of this is too scientific for some of you just have the animal spayed. This has been Dr Efram Pennywhistle for Pet Parade.
NEXT TIME: Tomcats, like all males of any species, have only one thing on their demented minds. We’ll show you how to nip them in the bud right out there in the garage. See you then!
NEW READER SURVEY AND RESULTS
Solicited response from real people who have little to do
and even less to think about during the day.
Should Daylight Shavings time be on the Official 2020 Election Ballot?
Should directions to voting booths be in Russian as well as Spanish?
Please vote now while we still have a white majority.
BONUS QUESTION (Members only please)
Complete the sentence: If Al Gore had won in 2000…
Last month’s question: What is the opposite of Snowflake*?
63% said Slush; 19% said Acid Rain; 10% said Hail. 6% said Overweight, under-educated, xenophobic, frightened, gun-toting, homophobic, quasi-religious bigot. 2% had no opinion despite the fact that they are full-time residents on the planet.
*Term applied to progressives by throwbacks.
Enjoying these little surveys? Remember to write down the time and place where you experienced your last original thought and win bogus points for consumption of worthless articles for the home, damaged philosophies, condemned land and mindless travel.
Congratulations Deer Creek Golf Course in Cedaredge
After surviving the worst drought in the history of the course, Deer Creek Golf Club is coming back strong. It’s amazing what a little seeding and a lot of water has done. The front nine is a mellow experience while the back nine challenges even the scratch golfer. Located in the foothills of Grand Mesa (20 miles north of Montrose) the micro-climate allows for 18 holes most months of the year. This is the diamond in the rough and the greens fees are quite reasonable considering the quality of play.
LOCAL NOOZE
Trucker drives from Ouray to Silverton…Backwards
(Red Mountain) An Oklahoma trucker has successfully negotiated the 23 miles between Ouray and Silverton, in the San Juan Mountains while in reverse gear. Les Abbey, 46 of Lawton cruised his 1964 modified diesel porterhouse-gear henway by rear view mirrors and a lot of heart up and down one of the more demanding natural courses on the planet. What’s even more astounding is that he did it in just under an hour.
“I couldn’t have done it with my trailer attached,” said Abbey who was arrested on his return trip (forward) at about dawn. He was charged with reckless driving, failure to dim lights and making fun of tourists’ little dogs while in Silverton.
This daredevil feat is the latest since May when police stopped patrolling the San Juan Triangle due the price of gasoline. Readers may recall the now legendary Swan Dive Incident which frightened mountain goats and sent ice climbers scurrying over Valentine’s Day or the semi that descended from Ironton on three wheels, rubber burning all the way to town, in March.
“Some people don’t have enough to do in the winter and others are just a pain in the ass,” said a local sheriff who is investigating the mischief as part of the annual summer crackdown.
Man-Eating Panther May Have Moved On
(Telluride) The large black panther that has been roaming the region between Alta Lakes and Blue Lakes has not been seen for about two weeks, leading authorities to believe he has moved on. The hungry, aggressive predator is blamed for the deaths of at least nine people since April.
“At first we didn’t know if it was a cougar, a catamount, a puma, a mountain lion or a panther,” said one official gov’ment tracker. “Our hands were tied until a specific tag could be established. When we heard back from some agency or the other the cat was well on his way to eating himself a starting baseball team. By then it was too late.”
Although not generally dangerous to man, mountain lions are powerful and intelligent enough to catch a whiff of their prey, sneak up silently, pounce from cover and drag a human into the bush for lunch, especially when the ground is wet. The ancients didn’t call them hippolestes, or horse killers for nothing. Hungry cats like this are rarely spotted so close to civilization but the reality of foothill suburbs and expanding recreational facilities has infringed on traditional prowling territories.
“We think he moved over toward Durango where there has always been a lot of unsuspecting game this time of the year,” said the tracker of the panther.
“When the open hold was filled with young cattle, packed as tightly as they could stand, the owners with their wives or sisters, who go with them so as to prevent extravagance in Galway, jumped down on the deck and the voyage was begun.”
– John Millington Synge The Aran Islands. (circa 1900).
Neptune, Pluto Right in Rejecting Refugee Pleas
(Milky Quay) The outright rejection of Earthlings from consideration for political and social refugee status is the only logical path to cosmic survival, say leaders on the planet of Neptune and the star-planet of Pluto.
Mounds of formal rejections, especially from Americans, crowd the tiny immigration offices on both heavenly bodies making it impossible for governing entities to function and opening the door to further chaos.
Applications for refugee status have burgeoned due to over-population, pollution, monster weather, war and famine on earth. As Neptune sees it these petitioners have a bad attitude and want to bring it here.
“The supplicants are mostly from the corporate class, a wealthy segment of the population that, as a result of evil profits, can afford to pay cash for the light year journey,” said a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s Office on Pluto. “They have destroyed their own planet and now they want to come here. We don’t want these people in our world.”
As of this morning Pluto has cut off 3-month visas for beings from east of Saturn.
“These people don’t take responsibility for the destruction of their planet and now they want to live here at the frontier of the solar system,” said Jared Jarr, a minor bureaucrat on Neptune. “We just don’t see how this will ever work out to anyone’s benefit.”
There is no personal property on Neptune or Pluto while honor, family and land are the most important variable in the tightly regulated societies. A distinct majority of voters in both locales expressed concern that the inclusion of earthlings would disrupt their peaceful lives and disrupt bloodlines that have been a mainstay for centuries.
“The track record of these petitioners and their almost laughable embrace of superstition is not in accordance with our sense of morality,” added Jarr. “Many have allowed a fairy tale to dictate their lives and have never looked beyond the surface for answers…metaphysical and/or empiricist.”
Pathways to both destinations are very difficult to negotiate due to the prevalent Jolley Current, a vastest system of air currents that, when correctly interfaced, prevents space travelers from orbiting and makes it virtually impossible to approach either planet. Without acute instrument manipulation, light year translation and the application of cloud codes (jealously guarded by elite security forces) their ships could be trapped in outer space or even sucked into the infamous and constantly vigilant Black Hole.
In short, without the assistance of allies on the ground nobody can land. Private ventures, hauling wealthy ex-patriots and their gold might even face anti-aircraft batteries and fighter planes when they finally reach strong gravitational fields of the coveted zones.
“It’s sad that we have to reject all of the earthling applicants just because of the greed and racism of just a few,” said Jarr. “While we realize that many beings on earth are victims too we cannot accommodate them. We suggest they take their heads out of Uranus, indict the guilty and take radical steps to bring these gluttonous devils to justice. Then, maybe we can develop a dialogue on the issue.
– Kashmir Horseshoe