HUNTERS TAKE 7,000-POUND ELK

(California Mesa) Texas hunters today nailed what is probably the largest bull elk ever seen around these parts. Weighing in at just over 7,000 pounds the wapiti charged right into the record books outpacing all former competitors. His status as deceased will not create a negative impact on the accolade.

Biologists circulating the region suggest that the giant elk may have wandered over the plateau from the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) after feasting on tailings from uranium days.

“Sometimes exposure to radium has adverse effects on wildlife, as well as humans, said one biologist. “Those boys (the hunters) won’t be hungry for a long time.”

It was later learned that the hunters would keep the trophy rack and donate the meat to a local cafe.

Meteor Showers To Interrupt TV Reception

(Ouray)  Swarms of flying sparks, perhaps fragments of the annual Lyrid or Eta Aquarid meteor showers are blamed for the termination of TV reception here. According to astronomers the shooting stars recorded a direct hit on main satellite installations rendering television signals impotent and leaving screens blank and lifeless.

Residents have been asked to sit tight and read a book or talk to family members until the problem is corrected. Experts from as far away as Lookout Mountain expressed concern that this was not an isolated atmospheric intrusion.

“Although the attack was severe we expect to have the system up and running again by February of 2006,” said Raymond Markey, a gifted technician operating in the county.

Gluttony Replacing Travel in US

(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.

“It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency.”

Toole added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel all but impractical.

“And this is not some cheap joke about airline food either,” quipped Toole.

IRAQ ACCUSED OF SELLING ROCKS TO PALESTINIAN INSURGENTS

Red China Too

(Jerusalem) Rogue nation Iraq has been blamed for instigating violence on the West Bank and Gaza.

According to a combined U.S.-Israeli report Baghdad has been supplying Palestinian protesters with rocks which are then thrown at the Israeli army. According to the investigation the soldiers, armed to the teeth with the most sophisticated weaponry on earth, have little choice but to return the fire.

“We found piles of rocks in a PLO headquarters that survived a missile attack Monday,” said one state department official. After a geological examination, it was concluded that they came from the Zagros Mountains and the Tigres River.”

“This is the most blatant act of aggression against Israel since militant Lebanese Muslims resettled southern Lebanon after Israeli troops withdrew from the occupied territory in August.

Although Palestine has to be considered a very rocky region, Israeli security forces have been surprised at the arsenals employed by Palestinian mobs. Despite the strategic confiscation of these weapons the insurgents appear to be well-armed.

“If they start throwing bigger rocks we may be forced to use tanks or even nuclear weaponry to quell the disturbances,” said one Israeli general who claimed that the current government there was not doing enough to control the rabble.

According to a story in the New York Times many Arab nations feel that Israel is the terrorist and that the Palestinians deserve the homeland that was taken away from them following World War II.

“We suspect that Syria and Iran are sending rocks as well and that jihad forces in South Lebanon are smuggling sling-shots across the border into Galilee. – Rocky Flats

TOWN CLOCK TO RUN 24 HOURS

(Ouray) Thanks to a grant from the Daylight Savings/Second Homeowners  Club, the Ouray Town Clock will now keep time for the entire day. Due to a shortage of funds the time piece has been shutting down at approximately 4:12 am each day forcing city employees to reset the thing later in the morning.

“It’s a dangerous climb especially in winter,” said an official here, “but the chore is also a rite of passage for the younger workers.”

Traditionally the employee with the least seniority inherits the task when the clock runs short of juice.

“Imagine the affect on tourism if the clock was stuck at 4:12 when the sun came up,” said the source. “It would ruin their vacations. Most would opt for Disneyland or Las Vegas instead of coming to Ouray.”

Shorter Terms For Congress on Docket

TWO WEEKS?

(Washington) When the Congress meets again the members will be chatting about more than the recent election. They’ll be talking about campaign financing and where to get some. They’ll be arguing about foreign policy and where to get some.

They’ll even be talking about term limits.

Before the break it had come down to common sense (and where to get some). Define the problem: Pork barrel promises kept, and all those years to fill pretending to accomplish something while out campaigning to get elected again. Good money…good working conditions. Shake a few paws, kiss a few babies. Power.

“What about two week terms?” asked one rookie Congressman still wet behind the amendments.

“Two weeks? Wasn’t that a movie with Mickey O’Rourke or somebody?” was the response.

“It’s concise,” offered one supporter, “and it would give us more time to spend campaigning.

“Yes, I think you’ve got something there but will the public buy it?” asked a third.

“They’ve bought it so far. Just throw in a few mentions of democracy and wave the flag…maybe a brass band and free tickets to the coliseum… I mean circus…”

“Let’s put it to a vote…Aye or Nay,” said a veteran of these things. “The last thing we need is a filibuster. I’m not willing to miss dinner again. These Washington pizzas just aren’t as good as the ones back home in New Jersey.”

Finally the Speaker restates the proposal for those who have not already nodded off the sleep:

“Bill Number 48839 proposes that all Congressional Terms be limited to no more than two weeks. This will create a time period of inactivity (5 years and 50 weeks for Senators and a substantially shorter term for Representatives). Is there discussion?”

An ancient Senator is helped to the podium.

“I forget what I’m doing here,” he starts, his aide whispering the issue into his one good ear. “Oh, yes, term limitations…Will they interrupt my nap? Back when I was in the electoral college girls and boys didn’t live in the same dorms…”

Another Congressman snaps: “This is another waste of the taxpayers’ money! I have questions for the legislators assembled here: Will there be enough time to placate the special interests in just two weeks? Will the sacred pork barrel runneth dry?”

Everyone in the body looked at each other blankly.

“Yes, and will we get a chance to ride around Washington in our Congressional limos? Can we expect to make the contacts necessary to land a lucrative lobbyist position in just two weeks? Can we hope to vote ourselves another pay raise in that time period?”

The Speaker interrupts.

“These are pertinent questions that we must answered before further pursuing a final vote,” he stressed. “But in today’s arena we cannot simply withdraw to the proverbial smoky room like before. It’s politically incorrect. The voters will think we’re backing the tobacco lobby.”

After a few minutes a vote was taken and the amendment passed. Two week terms with long recesses and more fact finding trips to places like Monaco and Fiji. Salaries unaffected. Retirement packages quite substantial. Power.

“I’m confidant the House will go along with this. Now if we can only convince the President to follow suit…” said one member of Congress, “we might finally a responsive government.” – Kashmir Horseshoe

Payment to reach billions Mexican government settles with West End

(Nucla) The Mexican government has agreed to pay West End residents over 3.2 billion dollars in retribution for war atrocities allegedly committed in 1847, during in what the victors longingly refer to as the Mexican War.

Although short-lived, the conflict was over by early 1848, the war saw the United States gain more than 525,000 square miles of new territory. It also saw some of the most brutal atrocities ever committed on American soil, unless you count behaviors aimed at the First Americans, African slavery, the labor wars, the wild buffalo, and Manifest Destiny.

In June 1847 a contingent of Mexican cavalry crossed the San Miguel River near Redvale and headed west toward Naturita. Militias stationed in the Twin Cities had no prior warning and scurried to protect the uranium fields from the coming assault. Alas, it was too late and as dusk settled on the first day of the battle the Mexican cavalry had occupied the uranium mines and downtown Naturita to boot.

“It was ugly…what happened then,” said a 162-year old retired General who was just a boy during the war. “The Mexican troops forced the local citizenry to gather up all the tequila and turn it over to the provost marshal. Then they held the men at gun point while the women were forced to cook green chili and chorizo through the night and into the next day. All this with that Mariachi music blasting and the festive south-of-the-border decorations hanging off every cedar tree.”

The boy, later commissioned as a three-star general, escaped from the melee and warned General Winfield Scott of the shortages his troops might face if they ever visited the Paradox Valley. For this he was presented the Victorian Cross and given a poorly-built dream house in Telluride.

Meanwhile the debauchery continued with the Mexican soldiers chowing down and the women cleaning up. Sparse looting also occurred according to eyeball witnesses. The town was a wreck with chairs turned over, tablecloths stained with salsa and even a lamp or two smashed. Herds of sheep were scattered or worse.

In 1870, following the American Civil War the residents and descendants of these victims filed suit against the Republic of Mexico for damages. Included were accusations that the Mexicans still held much of the uranium and that several residents experienced stomach disorder and gas from the feast. The women filed a separate suit claiming harassment in that they were forced to clean up the mess.

“The settlement might have been minimal had the Mexican government acted right away,” said General Kashmir Horseshoe, once the young man who had witnessed the atrocities. “However some 150 years later the interest alone has to be calculated in the billions.”

Today, due in part to the Mexican government’s desire to remain on the good side of the Obama Administration, residents of Nucla and Naturita are perched at the business end of a hearty windfall. Experts estimate that every living occupant in the Twin Cities will receive 1.2 million dollars before the end of 2014.

“You’ll be seeing a lot more of those fancy double-wides around here,” said Horseshoe who only yesterday moved out of his tin castle and into a ante Belgium mimosa-lined ski chalet overlooking fashionable Hopkins Field. ” – Melvin Toole