All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
USFS TO PULL ASTROTURF
(Denver) The National Forests will be free of astroturf by summer according to the official word from the Department of the Interior. In a long-awaited announcement a spokesman, at the regional office here, confirmed that the removal of the dangerous material would begin as early as next week.
Before the agency can actually tear out the synthetic grass replacement, it must shoulder the task of removing snow. Although the white stuff has been sparse so far this year it is still a monumental task at best. Already gov’ment agents have combed the public houses in search of a labor force. Over 500 snowplows are expected by the weekend, many dropped from helicopters or acquisitioned from local peasants.
According to an official document the USFS says it has condemned forest floors in San Juan, Uncompahgre, Gunnison, Mesa and White River National Forests. Isolation of elusive astroturf colonies in the other forests will follow.
“We wanted to begin the demolition in areas far away from the major population centers in case we foul up the works,” said Maggie Pye, an forest service officer who admittedly has not been in the woods since 1974. “I can’t get away from my desk but I get to wear the official uniform and all,” she quipped. “I even get to carry a gun.”
The action appears to be a result of a gov’ment study on the health of animals currently residing on the federal land. Since the installation of the astroturf, knee injuries among the elk population have doubled while the lighter deer have been almost injury free under normal conditions. When it rains or snows that changes drastically.
“We’ve had more mule deer in rehab since 1985, when that carpet was added to the woodland ecology, than we had since we started counting the animals,” said Pye. “The majority of the deer suffer from knee injuries too.”
Other smaller animals, and even a black bear or two, have suffered career-ending damage as a result of the astroturf which does not give at impact.
“Just the other morning several of us watched as a snowshoe rabbit planted his paw in an attempt to elude a mountain lion, continued the source. “Then we heard a snap…it was his little knee and the rabbit was lunch. After a few years’ exposure to the elements, the astroturf turns to a slippery clay-like substance when it gets wet. We’ve no choice but to pull the stuff up or build a dome over the forest.”
With all the competition for herds in the mountain west combined with the salaries one would think the powers that be would see the disastrous affects of astroturf, adds Pye.
“Sure it’s virtually maintenance free and looks great from above but it’s only a small step up from asphalt. In addition it’s inedible and the larger mammals have trouble sleeping on it. I prefer to blame the engineering department for the whole mess.”
The original expense incurred when the astroturf was first laid came in at about $620,000. The cleanup is projected at slightly higher.
“But that takes into account inflation over the past 15 years,” said Pye. “Either way, we think it’s a good deal for the taxpayer. I just can’t wait to see the look of the bears’ faces when they wake up to real grass in the spring.”
The astroturf tailings will be stored at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal near Golden until it goes away.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
State Plans 60 New Scenic Views by June
(Denver) Strategists here have decided to grace the state with more than 60 new scenic viewing pull-offs on Highways 50, 550 and 145 it was disclosed this morning.
The new construction is expected to hold up traffic for months despite the fact that most of the work is being done off-road. Crews from as far away as Mack will begin preliminary dozing as early as March 15.
“We plan to include bathrooms in the more upscale views,” said Melvin O’Toole, planner and recognized brains behind the effort. “When we’re done it oughta be damned panoramic around here!”
The scenic views are said to be repayment for all of the water stolen by Front Range communities since the 50s.
“It’s all very politically correct,” said Toole. “I love the smell of asphalt going down on a hot road. When we’re all done we’ll have scenic views looking on to other scenic views.”
Verbal Teas Dominate Market
(Manana) A revolutionary blend of verbal tea has nailed down a 35% beverage market share after only one week on the shelves. According to tea wizards at Terrestrial Seasonings, a Colorado-based herbal health concern, the initial impact was greater than expected leaving the cupboard bare for the time being.
“Out teas will help people to better express themselves, their inner feelings, their outer limits,” said Howie Spout, a spokesperson for Terrestrial. “As the name implies we are of the earth but looking into the cosmos for new direction, new awareness, new tea bag designs.”
Spout was quick to point out that Terrestrial was in no way associated with the Tea Party or any of its supporters.
According to the company’s official statement, a single cup of verbal tea will noticeably stimulate a drinker’s use of action words and spike his oral vocabulary. In lab experiments, researchers found that the rats chattered more clearly and carefully in conversation with other rats after sipping a saucer of verbal tea.
“Although these disease carrying, crop destructive rodents have no written language, communication within the cells and sects seems quite smooth,” said Spout, “and sophisticated in a highly evolved idiomatic manner.”
Verbs, of corpse, are the basic elements of sentence structure that provide action and movement – the caffeine of grammar. Terrestrial expects to stay with a winner and leave nouns, adjectives and adverbs to the other guys.
The verbal teas come in assorted flavors and phonetics such as Blackberry Past Tense and the popular Hibiscus Present-Perfect. The secret tea blends kindle the remote region of the brain cortex that is employed strictly for tantric eroticism, preparation of income taxes and conjugating verbs.
All of the teas are completely artificial and contain no natural flavors or ingredients. In the tradition of Terrestrial, the colorfully decorated boxes are covered with annoying sayings such as “You can’t change the world but you could change your underwear” and “Today is the first day of the mess of your life.”
Tea aficionados are encouraged to keep a wise eye out for Proverbial Tea this spring, a calming strain of Asian and Polar teas that incites drinkers to spurt out poorly timed and tiresome trivialities disguised as imperative directives and inspired declarations. We can’t wait.
– Fred Zeppelin
“Oh it looked about the way I pictured it. Flames, demons, not much to drink.” – Dante, remembering his visit to Hell.
Reading comprehension #611:
The following is a short test of one’s ability to understand and analyze prose. READ THIS SEGMENT ONLY ONCE OR FACE DISQUALIFICATION AND FORFEIT ALL PRIZE MONEY!
A bear and a rabbit sat on a log deep in the forest. The bear felt a great bowel movement coming on but was out of toilet paper. He turned to the rabbit and asked, “Do you have problems with things sticking to your fur?”
The suspicious rabbit asked why and then scurried away leaving the bear to his own devices, which most likely would have been a bush or some bark. The angry bear muttered, “You just can’t count on those damn rabbits when you need them.”
a.) What did the bear mean by things? Do they sell animal toilet paper?
b.) Are bears really all that concerned with personal hygiene?
c.) What happens if a bear, or other hibernating mammal has to go in the middle of the winter?
d.) Do rabbits and bears actually converse?
e.) Would the bear had been better off just grabbing the rabbit, without all the chatter?
Send your answers to Hunting Editor, San Juan Horseshoe, Box 615, Gunnison, CO 81230. If we use your response in our November issue we’ll give you a free subscription, a free T-shirt and a free roll of toilet paper. No phone calls please.
World could be out of bullets by 2020
(Colona Roundhouse News – April 10, 2015)
Sources within the local Tri-Lateral Commission project the planet will run out of bullets by 2020. War as we now know it, says the secretive group, might be a thing of the past.
“Bullets have become a part of our very fiber,” said a member who demanded anonymity. I don’t want to be an alarmist but if something isn’t done to correct this oversight we could all find ourselves looking down the barrel of an empty chamber.”
War nets big profits for a small few and without little bullets the entire landscape expands and changes drastically.
“Can we expect angry combatants to go back to fighting with spears and arrows?” he asked, speaking now under the provision of unreliability. “What are they going to do…throw rocks at each other?”
Although no one knows exactly how this crisis emerged it is thought that someone earning minimum wage simply pushed the wrong assembly-line button or filled out an order sheet incorrectly.
“We do not believe this to be a terrorist action,” said the source.
“Man’s integrity will come forth when the time is ripe,” assured another member of the dictatorial commission. How do you think we developed the machine gun or the catapult?”
Ammunition enthusiasts are encouraged to learn new battle skills such as the digging of moats and the employment of hot oil on the parapets. Many smaller militias have already begun training recruits how to hurl pistols and rifles at opponents in hopes of hitting something.
“After all the violence and manipulation we never expected our realm to be threatened by the absence of bullets,” added the source. “I guess we just always thought they’d be there.” – Dag Katz
South Dakota Decriminalizes Tennis
(Bismarck) The athletic crowd, decked out in traditional white garb, sent up a rousing cheer this morning with the official announcement that tennis would no longer be an illegal pursuit in the Land of Infinite Variety.
At 10 am, just after an extravagant brunch, the state senate voted 49-3 to “halt all police actions, arrests and detainments formerly associated with the sport or game of tennis.”
Leading civic groups as well as the Deadwood Chamber of Commerce and the Dakota nation lauded the decision. Even the generally stone-faced Mount Rushmore Four cracked a smile when told of the news.
The legislation takes effect immediately and will be commemorated with a world-class singles match between Serbian Novak Djokovic and Spaniard Rafael Nadal. Both U.S. Open champions are longtime Black Hills aficionados and have close relatives in the South.
Rumors circulating the courts this afternoon suggest that Montana, North Dakota and even Wyoming may follow suit and relax restrictive ordinances and regulations regarding the controversial sport within their borders.
– Joshua Pim
