All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Surfing Finals Blacked Out Again
(Angel Beach Times – February 29, 2016)
The 2016 Whirled Surfing Championships will not be televised this summer since there are still unsold seats, according to Sandy Maque, vaguely familiar surfing legend and promoter of the event.
Unreliable sources say only 3000 tickets have been purchased with only two days until the opening ceremonies. Standing room only crowds, which are not factored into the operating capital, should again exceed 10,000 on Saturday and Sunday.
“We hate to be such pricks about this but we have major expenses looking us in the face,” said Maque.
Maque acknowledged that fans in the mountain states will be particularly disappointed by the decision,” said the former bathing beauty from Pomona.
“Our program is often the closest they might have been to the waves all year. But we have to limit expenses. It costs a pretty penny to organize these championships. The water bill alone is staggering.”
Bored members of the Whirled Surfing Association, concerned that the situation is far from improving, have threatened to relocate the surfing event and related oceanographic gymnastics to northern Iowa in 2017.
– Rex Montaleone
“And you can trust me because I never lie and I’m always right.”
-George Tirebiter, campaigning for dog catcher, on Firesign Theater
Summer ’16 to be juried event
(Colona, CO February 28, 2016)
Persons vacationing in Western Colorado next season will be doing so by invitation only according to a resolution adopted last night by Colorado Brie Country. While most tourists will be invited back, the roster will be determined by a jury of residents who will make all final decisions on the matter.
“Once the final invitation list is released there will be no exceptions,” said Jack Spratt of Gladstone Amusements. “This is an occasion where less is more. We think the people included in our official observation of summer will experience a more meaningful vacation without the fringe element in attendance.”
Spratt chose not to comment on rumors that the United States Border Patrol will be employed to keep intruders out of the inter-mountain region through September. Unreliable sources here and at the foot of Storm King confirm that the feds have been invited in.
“They did one crack job at keeping illegal Latin American immigrants out of Maine,” said one member of the jury. We think they can do the same for us.”
It was not clear how this decision would affect restrictions on water sales to the Confront Range next spring. At present any exchange must be approved on a bucket by bucket basis until that region realizes that growth without water cannot be tolerated on either side of the Continental Hayride.
– Zorro DesPlants
Crested Butte Stamp To Honor Coal Mining Culture
(Elk Avenue The Jack’s Cabin Punch and Postal February 24 , 2016)
Residents and significant others will be treated to a new postage stamp recognizing the contributions of coal miners to the town and the nation. The first blocks are expected Friday in time for the weekend.
First day of issue stamps, featuring a lump of coal against a solid black background, will go on sale at noon.
“It looks a lot like a square off a checkerboard only smaller,” said one mailperson.
A gov’ment pamphlet described the stamp similarly, adding that “although it’s a bit abstract we are certain people will figure out what it represents after a while.”
A design to commemorate the fathers of skiing was dropped as was a jokester theme venerating the town’s famous two-story outhouse culture. Federal officials, in town on “other” business decided in favor of the coal-mining motif when several hundred paternity suits were filed in just 12 hours. In addition the owner of the outhouse refused to cooperate with the federals, threatening to shoot them if they “so much as wander onto my digs up here.”
In 1869 mercenaries loyal to Lloyd Woodrows-Harlan overran stockyards, stills and chicken coops up and down the East River Valley. Then the ragamuffin legions stopped the onslaught high above the town and immediately began constructing ski lifts. However after a few hours of digging they discovered incredible quality anthracite and sub-bituminous coal and opened mines instead, setting skiing on the back burner for 100 years. After another hour behind their respective shovels most of Harlan’s troops went to the bar for the rest of the day.
If sales of the coal mining stamp are as brisk as expected the feds will print a second stamp, which honors the sport of skiing in 2017. Officials are searching for a simple, yet symbiotic design that compliments the first stamp. Public input is not particularly welcome.
– Gabby Haze
Cow Tipping Championships Draw Throngs
(North Platte, Nebraska — Bovine Olympics XXXVII — February 24, 2016)
The 2016 World Cow Tipping Championships are in full swing this week with a large portion of the population of Nebraska in attendance. The final four teams, survivors of a grueling eight weeks of strategic pasture charges, will compete this weekend defined by the categories of speed, style, aptitude and gross weight of the object (s) tipped.
Cow Tipping has flourished in Nebraska since the turn-of- the 19th Century. Residents looking for some fun after the Cornhusker season, embraced the sport like a crow takes to road kill. Quickly one could observe a cache of amateur tippers readying themselves for the physically pounding competition. They size up their targets, usually after dark, stalking the beasts that are still finishing their dinner.
Then out of the depths of hell comes the eerie scream, the savage charge…splat…whomp…wham! A two-hundred pound human hurling himself at a 2000-pound Hereford, hoping to knock the cow from its hooves and onto the ground for a point.
Most cow tippers are former pigskin standouts prepared to match wits with the shrewd bovine. As any experienced cow tipper will confirm the sport looks a lot easier from the grandstands. A pert, common evasive move, or potential hostility can result in the athlete face down in manure.
“Most of these animals do not face a particularly promising future,” said Red Poppy, recognized as a minor deity in cow tipping circles. “Our sport allows them a few moments of pride before we start the barbecue fires. We don’t hurt them. We just tenderize them a bit.”
A promising vegan event has yet to materialize since vegetarianism (illegal in the Midwest) remains a controversial status and nobody has signed up for the projected Cheese Trails.
It is estimated that 5.3 million Nebraskans out of a population of 5.4 million have engaged in cow tipping at least once in their flatland lives. In the western half of the state, where access to cheap alcohol is less restrictive, about 20% engage in cow tipping one or twice a week after work. In Lincoln the varsity football team has discarded the traditional tackling dummies in honing their skills on the hapless Elsies and Ferdinands.
“If you can bring down a sedentary milk cow you can damn sure tackle a Big Ten running back,” said Poppy.
Meanwhile in the rural communities of Montrose and Delta the sport is slow to catch on since most prospects balk at the thought of tipping anything or anyone.
The double-elimination trials, as well as the final nail-biting matches, are strictly regulated by the Black Angles Bovine Full-Contact Federation. All rights to abandoned hamburger are reserved.
-Susie Compost
“In Ireland they have the Dublin School of Rock and Roll. In France Bruno the Lion continues as Charge de Mission Pour le Rock et les Varietes with full cabinet status. He is referred to warmly as Monsieur Rock. Meanwhile in the United States we have no Minister of Culture at all. We name our airports after Ronald Reagan, George H. Bush and the Dulles Brothers instead of Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley. What is the problem here?”
– Little Richard
Irishman Busted in Lighter Heists
(La Paloma, Uruguay February 23, 2016)
Tommy Thompson didn’t need the lighters. He has ample funds to buy as many of the smoking accessories as he might ever need. It was just a game, one that went terribly wrong.
Now, under house arrest at 22 Patricia Way, in this seaside fishing village he remains unrepentant despite a threatened incarceration.
Here’s what happened: Thompson, from Ballyferriter (Baile an Fheirtearaigh) on the Dingle Peninsula, kept a drawer full of dysfunctional cigarette lighters in his kitchen/bar. He had red ones and blue ones, white ones and purple ones. When unsuspecting guests arrived to drink beer he watched them closely. More often than not they would place their lighters on the table in front of them. Then without warning, when they weren’t looking he’d switch their good lighters with one of the used up lighters from his evil drawer. Despicable!
Finally, as with all lives of crime, he got caught. Although details are sketchy it appears that the local police had wind of his plotting and sent an undercover agent with a case of beer. Thompson could not resist the gift and invited the agent in. That was when the trap was set and the cat got the mouse.
Thompson who is appealing the decision on the grounds that he is colorblind stands little chance of shedding the accusations. If convicted he will spend a weekend in jail in Chui, his favorite town.
– Senor. Panuelo
