All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Mammoth TV Still Holding Hostages
(Blanding, UT — That’s News to Me — May 31, 2016)
A 220-inch Sony Trinitron-Mega Brain Television continues to hold about a dozen people hostage over the noon hour, according to police on their way to lunch. Seven former prisoners of the appliance were released this morning just as the FBI arrived on the scene.
“The hostages walked right out the front door at Melvin’s Three-Hour Donut and Digital TV Hut,” said one unreliable source. “They looked like they were in some sort of trance.”
Limited information tells us that the seven were released after negotiators pressed the issue of often moronic shows, re-runs and fear-based news programs, and the TV capitulated. But not before a barrage of curses at the cops that had now surrounded the strategic target with more than 1400 officers and a Just Say No tank, on loan from the government of Colombia.
It was not completely clear if the actions were politically motivated or if the TV just popped it’s top prior to the seizures. Police, armed with radios, have threatened to rush the front door unless the television surrenders peacefully.
The armament status of the TV is not known.
The proprietor of Mel’s was on vacation in Mexican Hat at the time of the incident and could not be contacted for what would have undoubtedly been another of his long-winded, multi-directional comments.
– Susie Compost
Nancy Reagan Opium War Atrocities Cited
(Santa Barbara — Boxer Blues — May 30, 2016)
With a full disclosure pending, a spokesman for the late Nancy Reagan has conducted a tight-lipped denial of involvement in the Opium War, fought between Britain and China in the 1840s. Reagan, who had not been believed to be that old, was allegedly up to her neck in the transportation of opium, despite later distinguishing herself with the phrase “Just Say No.”
That was about the time a young, now deceased, Ronald Reagan began his decades-long romance with Laudanum. The connection here seems clear enough. Whether either of the Reagans knew about or actively participated in any battles was never established.
Attorneys for the former President and First Lady confirmed that they would address grievances adding that any Chinese resident who could prove he or she as alive and affected 150 years ago would be given a Gold Gucci credit card, compliments of Reagan Estate.
(The details in this story are not true but printed anyway as has become the fashion of the modern media. In short, if Faux News can broadcast hateful lies about living persons we can print ridiculous lies about the deceased.)
GOP Candidates Warned on Plagiarism
(Las Vegas, NV — City of Fool’s Gold — May 29, 2016)
The four leading Republican camps have been accused of using Know Nothing Party speeches from the 1850s and passing them off as their own work. The Trump, Cruz, Rubio and Bush headquarters were warned after “clear evidence was unearthed” before the weekend.
The content of each speech was allegedly “cherry-picked from the ideological scrolls of the Know Nothing Party”, according to committee historians, linguistic watchdogs and academic sources. An offshoot of the Whig Party that flourished in the 1850s, the Know Nothings were so named for the members’ coined reply when asked about party activities*.
The passages in question follow a similar pattern of political exclusionism, racism and xenophobia. They flow exactly as the words flowed back in the “good old days”. In most cases the pentameter is identical. In many cases the words are the same.”
The Know Nothings Party, a portion of whose membership helped rejuvenate the Ku Klux Klan in the 1920s, were led by men such as Nathaniel Banks and Lewis Levin. They were seriously concerned with the arrival of so many Irish and German Catholics over a short span of time, fearing it would lead to Papist politics and destroy the country.
Although there has been little response from the Republican candidates, who were preoccupied arguing about oil reserves and birthplaces, Democrats are calling for transparency (secret words and all if they got ‘em) and a full disclosure as to the origin of the speeches.
“No, I didn’t say Origin of the Species,” laughed one Congressman when asked if he thought the governing body had evolved at all since the time of the Know Nothings.
*The all-inclusive ”I know nothing” response was revisited when uttered at the slightest provocation by Sergeant Hans Schultz in the TV program Hogan’s Heroes.
Urracas Tierra lucrativo contrato
(Birdland azules Boletín – 28 de mayo de 2016)
La Hermandad Internacional de Asfalto Custodios ha anunciado la finalización de un contrato de limpieza autopista de tres años entre la Unión Local Urracas # 611 y la División de Transporte de Colorado. El contrato establece que el Estado va a emplear los grandes carroñeros para mantener sus carreteras y arterias libres de residuos comestibles y atropellamientos.
El acuerdo actual, que data de 2009, se da por concluida con la firma de este pacto más seguro y lucrativo, que estipula exactamente lo que ha de ser recogido por los trabajadores de la carretera y lo que ha de ser recogido en por urracas.
Las aves ganarán $ 10 por hora, el salario mínimo previsto para Colorado. El bono no hizo mención de mayor coste de los derechos de vida, el acceso legal embargo ay posesión de primera muerte y la posibilidad de nombrar a supervisores urraca balanceaban los últimos rebaños vacilantes de las provincias (vertiente occidental), que estuvieron de acuerdo con los términos esta misma mañana.
La cuestión de botín de alto grado, ahora resuelto, ha sido un bugaboo en Derecho de los Estados donde los ingresos y la calidad de vida han sufrido mientras que los empleadores han publicado beneficios crecientes trabajo. En Gobernador de Wisconsin, Scott Walker, ningún campeón del trabajador, presuntamente utiliza las urracas para prácticas de tiro. Recientemente ha servido urraca en una cena ofrecida por sus amos los hermanos Koch.
Conflictos con los ingenieros de basura y otros técnicos de recolección como de los tesoros que se encuentran en las carreteras han disminuido, ya que se ha vuelto muy claro que no es basura ampliamente y los residuos para todos. Los hombres de basura obtienen primer tiro en muebles o automóviles desechados partes mientras que las urracas obtener el atropellamientos. La competencia por los puestos de limpieza de Carreteras del Estado se ha incrementado dramáticamente, junto con los ciervos y alces población y el impacto humano en las carreteras construidas para 1975 el flujo de tráfico. Aunque la presencia de coches más pequeños y más tráfico ha llevado a más victorias de grandes animales como el alce y el oso, la matanza tonelaje camino ha seguido siendo el mismo desde entonces sobre el estado comenzó a llevar registros en 1940.
Aguinaldos, un gran problema para las urracas, se continuó a pagar en zorrillos, ardillas, conejos y perros de la pradera. ¿Cuál de comer primero sigue siendo la prerrogativa de la hermandad.
– Lawrence Elk
FAVORITE THINGS
Raincoats on lushes
And barbells on kittens
Stinky old buses
And loud politicians
Octogenarians out for their flings–
These are a few of my favorite things.
Tailgating morons
And overcooked noodles
Clever, young Yupsters
And turkeys with poodles
The length of the winter, the mud in the spring–
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the smog chokes
When the air clings
When I’m feeling had
I simply remember my favorite things
And than I get fighting mad!
Troops in Mideast
And skinheads in Europe
Donald to the rescue
His feet in the stirrup
Traffic and meltdown, some drunk tryin’ to sing–
These are a few of my favorite things.
Bambo and pinkos
Identity crisis
Miso and tofu
Assorted brown rices
IRS agents, that briefcase they bring–
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the tick lights
When the truth stings
When I’m feeling bad
I simply remember my favorite things
And pray I’m not in Baghdad.
Hassles and conflicts
And Nuclear Winters
Fresh out of toothpicks
And hands full of splinters
Media preachers who yearn to be King–
These are a few of my favorite things.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
May 27, 2016
