Secret Service Loses Trump in bunker

“Red tie, small hands and round in the middle” is how the millions of leaflets and posters describe the now missing President of the United States as a dwindling crew of supporters pray for his safe return.

Two days ago a man fitting the description of Trump was reportedly attacked by elderly mob due to budget cuts near Union Square in Lower Manhattan. During the melee Donald Trump was irretrievably separated from the hordes of secret service personnel ordered to protect him.

“One minute he was behind us in the bunker and the next he was gone,” said one of Trump’s body guards.

Right now, according to the shocked security contingent the police don’t know anything either.

“We think he he escaped from the angry grandmothers, many armed with knitting needles and attack cats, but maybe not a mob of former supporters eager to get their hands on him.

One unreliable source allegedly watched him on foot toward the Trump Tower, where with last breath supporters managed to pull up the draw bridge and close the impenetrable gates. His close aids, having fled at the sight of blood, have been mute as to the developments.

Many secretly believe he fell down an unattended manhole but will resurface to take the reins of the gov’ment once more. They say they wuld look for him tomorrow since the White House budget slashed such benefits as sick days and overtime pay.

He’s just out playing golf,” said one Trump diehard. “He’ll be back.”

Meanwhile a massive Black Hole, feared to be the same one that engulfed House Speaker Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, sucked in Vice President Mike Pence, leaving a power void not seen since the last days of Richard M Nixon.

Phone calls made to an 800 number attributed to the Secret Service have not generated a response.

Baby Boomers Often Infantile, Noisy Lot

True to their name, most baby boomers (people born from 1945 – 1960) are loud crybabies. According to unconfirmed sources in the National Nursery, more than 65% of this group can be obnoxious and disruptive as well.

As for the other 35%, they are quiet and happy enough. Most just want to be left alone to do what they do.

A micro-study, completed last night, compiled after more than 6 baby boomers were captured and coerced into answering such questions as: Where do you store your teeth at night? When was the last time you swam across a Great Lake? When angels cry do their tears join the rain?

The stunned control group failed to utter so much as one response during the interrogations.

Researchers quickly determined to scrap the project when denied a government grant to further exploit the issue.

– Roothie Roosterson

White Supremacists Negotiate Greenland Purchase

(Nuuk) A previously unknown White Supremacist cell, that until last week had meekly operated in far reaches of northern Maine, is now conducting negotiations with longtime landlord Denmark for the purchase of the Greenland.

Fear of a woman or another minority ascending to the White House appears to have been the conduit for the move. An estimated 500 legions are said to be ready to take possession of the frozen giant “one way of another”, according to uniformed militia, amassed on hundreds of small vessels along the cold, rocky coast.

“We’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse,” said one old salt, sitting on a his ship’s only lifeboat in Baffin Bay. “We don’t need food either because we’re tough and accustomed to foraging.”

Greenland, located between the Arctic and Atlantic Oceans, is the largest island in the world if one considers Australia to be a continent. Most of its population are Inuit and speak a bastardized Greenlandic that even the bearded seals and musk oxen don’t understand.

“If the Danes don’t come to terms we’ll storm the place.” pledged several of the Aryans. “It worked in Poland.”

According to a recent statement the group first looked into acquiring the Falkland Islands (Islas Malvinas if you are Argentine) but the Brits weren’t interested in selling. Africa was out since former colonial experiments there have failed miserably. “Southern Chile or even the Cook Islands showed promise but they are too far south to pick up Rush Limbaugh or other rightist heroes on the radio.”

“We are seeking an Aryan Utopia,” explained one man busily loading shells into an amphibious craft, a nation of armed utopians are we.”

The Danish government had no official comment on the proceedings. Many leaders there privately conveyed hopes along with fears that with the rapid warming of the planet Greenland might have palm trees, sandy beaches and a tropical air about it in no time at all.

Although Greenland was granted home rule Denmark still manipulates the island’s icy purse strings. That tiny European country controls foreign policy and most importantly monetary policy.

“We could have another Miami Beach up there on the Arctic,” said one critics of the transfer. “Think of all the white hotels and the beautiful people dropping money from the sky!”

“We have been baby-sitting the place since the early 18th Century and would like to at least recoup our initial investments,” he said. “These upstarts are offering little more than carfare. Selling the island now makes about as much sense as charging a herd of rhinoceros with an ax handle.”

– Mr. Ha Ha

Great praise for the Horseshoe Website:

“Riveting”

– International Welding Review

“Intoxicating”

– Popular Bartending

“The most concise waste of time
since the birdbaths of Carthage.”

– History Channel

“A stupendous balancing act”

– Flying Farcheezie Bulletin

“Consistently stupid”

– Radio KDAT

“White boy writing at its best”

– Vacant Lot Magazine

“Uplifting, a fun read.”

– The (Edwin) Meese Report on Pornography
proving once and for all that evolution is not for everyone.

“There are no dull subjects, only dull writers.”
– H.L. Mencken

Liver and onion wagon falls into surging East River

(Crested Butte) Ed didn’t see it coming. That’s what he told police after crashing his infamous Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon into the East River just south of here. According to his testimony on the scene Ed (no last name given) was driving his tri-axle food cart along Highway 135 at about 25 miles per hour when the accident occurred.

“The wagon hasn’t moved much faster ever since the emergency brake got stuck near Leadville in 1969,” said Ed. “Sure, I’ve got a 350 Chevy engine under the hood but that drag is persistent and I don’t want to put any more money into her.”

According to a police report Ed was doing fine, minding his own business until he came upon a speed limit sign, reading 40 miles per hour, just past Crested Butte South.

“When I noticed the sign I sped up to 40 so as to adhere to the law,” continued Ed. “It was then that I felt the rear end shift and all that liver moving around unchecked. In a matter of minutes I was off the road, down the embankment and into the river. The water was cold.”
Local health officials are testing the waters at present to determine if contamination has taken place.

“The high concentration of grease on that public nuisance wagon may cause some problems down river but at this time all the fish are present and accounted for,” said a source at Roaring Judy Hatchery, an alleged front for CIA operations in the valley. “Doesn’t Ed know that the speed limits aren’t to be taken literally and are up to the personal discretion of each driver?”

A dispatcher for the Highway Patrol told the Horseshoe that she had never heard of anyone speeding up to be in compliance with posted limits. She said Ed seemed disoriented when interviewed by officers but was in good shape otherwise following his dip.

“It’s the first real bath I’ve had since my wife ran off with a sausage man in 1990,” said Ed, who was the only eye witness to the mishap.
From first observation it appears that the cart, which was towed out of the river this afternoon, is a total loss.

“I was barely able to recover any of my provisions and I almost forfeited my Russian Wolfhound to that raging river,” said Ed, who claimed losses in the $400,000 range. “Right now I’m searching for another food cart or the summer will be a thing of the past.”

The water-logged cart, which had been registered in Utah, has been brought to the new Crested Butte Visitors’ Center where it will be on display until new furniture arrivesfrom Denver in August.

– Small Mouth Bess

First cell phone implant at Mao Clinic

The first-ever surgical cellphone implant procedure has been completed with doctors and hospital officials here calling it a great success. The controversial methods employed are still under review although the patient seems to be up and moving around.
The modus operandi involves making a small incision near the eyelid and installing the software. After that phase is completed the cellular device is loaded from the back of the skull where another cut is made along the tissue seams and under the hairline.

“The process may cause some lingering pain and adventures in vertigo but for the most part we are pleased with early detections and pre-op discoveries, Said Dr. Phillip Lackluster of Mao Clinic. “Sure the surgery is exploratory but what isn’t these days? I’ll tell you, when it was over, I felt like Superman coming out of the phone booth,” he said alluding to tele- communicative ancient history.

Already three of the nation’s largest communications companies have offered unlimited minutes if the still unidentified recipient will endorse their product. It was not clear what type of plan might be constructed or what other arrangements will be necessary to create a strong signal while expanding the calling area.

Lackluster then told The Horseshoe that convenience appears to have won out over natural health.

“It’s all a bit messy at this stage but we hope to improve our skills as we go,” explained the surgon. “The demand for this medical procedure is growing as we speak. Our test case may feel a little nausea and some cramping for a few weeks but it is unlikely that he will miss any phone calls.”

– Tommy Middlefinger