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A three time loser laments:
“I killed a man over a Twinkie.”
On the lamb out in America – Lifestyles at Risk

“Betsy DeVos Was My Substitute Teacher”
Teens tell horror tale of botched curriculum
in Marginal Education For All

Congress Pledges to Go Organic in 2019
Capitol Janitors Want Raise – May Walk Out
in Incontinence, Rifles and Plowing Mules

No rehab on meth, opioids, heroine, cocaine epidemics.
Sessions will go after pot smokers instead.
In Plea Bargain? Yes Captain! on Hard News

Feature: Why do US airlines suck?
Many dread flying dehumanizing coach on American carriers
In Prepare For Take-Off on Fractured Opinion

Check out our newest website:
daddysadumbredneck.com For kids who want the truth.
Surviving childhood on Soft News

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Now anyone can turn vodka into gin overnight!
Amazing new formula threatens to up the ante in the liquor arena…
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Indians Gearing Up For Final Thrust

(Wounded Knee — Taholah (Washington) Times — July 17, 2017)

Thousands of Native Americans, donned in war paint, are massing for one final assault into the heartland of White America. Warriors from the Lakota, Ute, Comanche, Nez Perce and Apache Nations made of the bulk of the force.

Rumors circulating many western state capitals warn that the group may have access to nuclear weapons and that they plan to recover the land that was taken from them beginning in the 1600s.

“We’ve been planning this maneuver since around 1890,’ said a tribal spokesman. “The government figured we’d cease to exist or assimilate along the way. Neither has turned out to be true.”

Sources here on the Quinault Reservation are predicting victories in Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Montana thanks to an engrained knowledge of the terrain. In Wyoming, Colorado Utah and New Mexico, the elevation is the Indian ally as warriors swoop down on the visiting flatland armies with the might of the Great Spirit in their tomahawks, according to a press release.

“We will refrain from the European practice of taking scalps and will not harm anyone who surrenders,” said the source. “Then with control of the high country we can repel and counteroffensive by the forces of Manifest Destiny. They must remember: We might have “the big one” stashed in our wigwam or under a loincloth. One never knows, does one?”

– Pahoo

“The world keeps ending but new people, too dumb to know it keep showing up as if the fun’s just started.”      – John Updike

And I never cheat on my score card either….

Well what are we waiting for?

Thanks to Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine

Free Gas For Tourists Plan Unpopular

(Denver UPS) Colorado businessmen are skeptical of the Noise-Noise Gasoline Subsidy Amendment according to poll takers at the capital. The amendment sponsored by brothers Oral and Rectal Noise, both Colorado senators, calls for state aid to visiting tourists in the form of gasoline.

“If we can offer to pay the tourist’s way to the state,” commented Oral, we can assure ourselves of another record breaking tourist season.”

Advertising campaigns are planned to hit the June publications of National Geographic, National Enquirer and National Lampoon. “We’re looking for the national audience,” said Rectal. “Maybe we can get a network to pick up the story.”

The cost of the program would be “alarming” according to one member of the Colorado House.

“It’s just like so many other bills sponsored by the Noises. They keep pecking away at you with all their neurotic little hand movements and keep you in suspense waiting for the punch line that never comes.”

Most Colorado legislators and business groups are skeptical of the bill.

“Where does the honorable senator expect to get the funds for a program like this?” asked one visiting gasoline attendant specialist from Helena, Montana.

Noise was unavailable for comment but has hinted that the state could charge one dollar for a glass of water between June and October.

This looks like the second defeat in a row for the senator from Uranus, Colorado as his bill to award the highway road kill maintenance contract to various fast food concerns was soundly defeated in November. He is currently being investigated for alleged meetings with Russian officials over asphalt maintenance and chuckhole counseling in rural Colorado and Utah in 2016.

– Rudy Wanderlust 

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

“A Monkey’s Uncle”

Once again the adventures of your favorite jungle friends are sponsored by O’Hara’s Gourmet Foot Powder and Pink Eye Lotion for the livestock in all of us. “Buy a Gift Basket for the bovine who has captured your heart.” We join this month’s episode in progress.

The scene: A tree house in West Central Africa.

Tarzan: Cheetah like name. She say so.

Jane: But darling, you mistakenly named your pet after a spotted cat. What if Cheetah rejoins the other apes? What happens then? What about her future mate?

Tarzan: Cheetah good name for monkey.

Jane: Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I like it.

Tarzan: Tarzan only uncle here. Jane not uncle.

Jane: Oh, sorry, dear, that’s just an expression.

Tarzan: Jane confuse Tarzan.

Jane: And that’s no chore. Getting back to Cheetah’s plight why can’t we just change her name to something like “Banzo” or “King Kong”?

Tarzan: Jane make joke?

Jane: No joke, Tarzan. What about Konga or Tanga or Carla?

Tarzan: Banzo played with Ronald Reagan. King Kong try to eat New York. Cheetah nice monkey.

Jane: Tarzan, dear, we need to address this situation before Cheetah matures. Remember all the problems we had with Boy in junior high school, in part because of the name you gave him.

Tarzan: Boy good name for boy.

Jane: But the other children made fun of him.

Tarzan: Tarzan think Jane worry too much. Tarzan go out and wrestle with lions, call elephants, throw spears, something important. Jane want to change Cheetah’s name…that OK but remember monkey has name on business cards and personalized stationery.

Jane: Maybe your right, dear, have fun with your animal friends but be careful.

THE END