All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Thursday is Bubblehead Night in Congress
(Washington) Citizens in good standing are invited to the First Annual Congressional Bubblehead Night at the Reflecting Pool here. The first 5000 persons through the “doors”, after passing through security and taking an extensive loyalty oath, will receive an authentic bubblehead of their favorite elected official.
Persons who do not have a favorite elected official will receive a 2016 Joe Biden or John Boehner bubblehead as a consolation prize compliments of the Federal Reserve Board. A buffet meal and open bar will grace the festive atmosphere and guests are reminded to avoid bringing up issues that might be deemed embarrassing to the legislators, aka bubbleheads.
In addition to bobbing senators and representatives, each attendee will take home a quart of Fear in a Bottle, a newly brewed genetically altered concoction aimed at keeping the people off balance and ultimately exerting more control of the domestic population. Tested in the War on Terror, the War on Drugs, and the War on Individualism, the fluid fear card has been produced for human consumption (food) by those radicalized by the sequester and by the royal arrogance of rich, elite politicians.
“People will like it,” explained one Congressional aide. “It comes in six different fruity flavors (including fresh hemlock lite) and is the right panacea for an electorate who put these people in power in the first place. “Here in the Land of the Free it is one of the few things that is free.”
It is hoped that the circulation of bubbleheads and liquid fear will further divide and conquer the left and the right in this nation, who, if allowed to determine the real enemy, might react in unison to affect real change.
The event is in no way connected to the popular Send a Whoopee Cushion to Congress which originated after the banking scandals of 2007-2009 which are still “under full investigation” until the public forgets about them.
– Susie Compost
“Fashion fades. Only style remains.”
– Coco Chanel
NO KIDS IN THE POOL NEXT SUMMER
(Ouray) The city of Ouray has decided to ban all kids form the Municipal Hot Springs Pool between June 15 and Labor Day of 2018. According to sources here the kids make far too much noise and create all kinds of problems for lifeguards and general security. In addition the city will save an estimated $35,000 on insurance.
“Things have gotten out of hand over the past few years with kids running the whole show at the pool,” said Melvin Toolmeister, former East German freestyler turned Calvinist lapdog of the Sunday brunch set. “We have plenty of rivers and lakes in which the little tykes can express themselves without bothering people. Why do they insist on swimming pools when we’re loaded with golf corpses, playgrounds and art galleries?”
Recent complaints by adults that the presence of children interrupts the cosmic flow have lead to the decision.
“After all it’s the big people who pay the bills,” said the source. “When was the last time you saw a 5-year-old with a hundred-dollar bill?”
The proponents of the move hope that the expulsion of children from the pool will set a precedent in other areas of civilization and send a strong message to irresponsible parents who allow their children to have fun.
It was not disclosed if the ball felds to the south of the pool would be affected by the lockout.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Supreme Quart bans Democrats and Republicans
(Washington) The United States Supreme Quart voted unanimously today to ban Republicans and Democrats from these North American shores.
Despite the decision that disallows the use of the longtime labels in public life, the former party affiliates will have until October to remove their elephants, donkeys, banners, straw hats, slogans, bumper stickers, lapel buttons, fund-raising machines, campaign offices and inspired supporters from the country or face imprisonment.
Otherwise the verdict is effective immediately.
Saying the political parties are an obstruction to democracy and true voter choice, the lawmakers concluded that both of the pork barrel entities were extremely wasteful, expensive and arrogant. They further warned that graft and corruption were rampant at all levels of politicizing within both hierarchies.
“These scalawags are quick to quote the Constitution, perform puppeteer feats and find the little pea clam shows (colorful diversions) for their constituencies while lining their own pockets,” said the highest court in the land. “They are destructive to our hard-won freedoms and what is left of our plutocrat republic. Most never even read the proposed bills that lopsidedly land on their desks. We fear that many have not read the Bill of Rights either.”
Three of the justices went on to say that forbidding these special interests from conducting business on American soil may curtail the downward spiral in the quality of life enjoyed here.
The exclusion of the country’s two most influential political entities is sure to leave a void that the dark robes hope to fill with broken promises, scandals and hand waving common to the disgraced politicians.
It was not clear how the action would affect lucrative Congressional health and retirement status, or lobbying opportunities for retired legislative loungers.
“We expect to see more political parties on the ballot in 2018 and a healthy number of potential registrants by 2020,” said one justice. “Although this suspends the current methods of bureaucratic vote counting over a hot fire it should steer the electorate away from mindless lever pulling in the booth.
Democrats and Republicans expressed bipartisan shock at such swift action saying they do not enjoy such expediency in Congressional chambers. They say they won’t take the affront sitting down.
“We’ll bet on the greed and apathy of our countrymen to put us back in the driver’s seat pretty damn quick,” said one party standout. “We’ll just change our names to Whigs or Know-Nothings and be back in our limos before you can say Henry Clay.”
– Rufus Maxwell
Bad rosin bags blamed for losses
(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.
The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”
The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”
Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late that have left the club reeling. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured.
Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.
Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.
“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or loading up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”
– Tony Perez
GOP Takes Mulligan on Health Care Bill
Despite arm twisting by leaders in the Republican controlled House and Senate and threats made by the Tweeter President, the Congress is expected to take a mulligan on health care reform in 2017.
Whether it is a “must” or “provisional” mulligan the result is still much the same since the action is a result of a bad shot off the tee in the first place.
Falling short of admitting defeat Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that taking a mulligan is a simple safety net that allows participants to “redefine the their stance and level out the playing field.
“We will not redefine the rules or fudge on our scorecards,” said the Speaker, “but rather expand the fairway and sink a long putt or two for the betterment of all Americans.”
Critics of the action say the entire repeal effort is masked in the burning desire to give the rich a tax break while cutting existing medical benefits for the people who need them the most. Some within the lawmaking body have gone so far as to call the proposed legislation “evil and fraudulent”.
The last time the governing body took a mulligan was back in 1957 during the Eisenhower presidency. Ike, a voracious linkster had finished 18 scorching holes scoring a scandalous 12 below par. Lawmakers had then settled on a mulligan out of respect for the Commander in Chief.
– Ragamuffin Man
Ridgway Implements 3 mph Speed Limit
The Town of Ridgway will begin enforcing a three-mile per hour speed limit from the hours of 4 pm to 7 pm on weekdays according to unconfirmed sources outside the local post office.
Responding to safety and quality of life concerns, the town council voted unanimously in favor of the measure. The area affected runs from the bottom of Ridgway Hill to the river along Highway 62. Although most residents favor the crackdown some are concerned that the decree is far too restrictive.
No one could have imagined it just a few short years ago. An almost endless line of rush hour traffic streaming down Highway 62 through Ridgway. Snarls and snarling motorists on their way home from work. Most driving the daily rounder from Montrose to Telluride in response to a shortage of labor and higher wages promised in the high country.
With more cars comes more problems. Years ago a traffic light was erected, along with turn lanes. More cops have been added to the payroll. The old main street has been cosmetically realigned to accommodate more business and services.
“It was either the speed limit or a by-pass over Log Hill,” said one council member. “Right now the state bosses and the DOT are telling us that we are no longer in compliance with Colorado law since nobody else has such a low mile per hour restriction. Maybe if we just ignore them they just will go away.”
One faction suggests issuing summonses to any state highway official who drives through town. Radical elements within and without the government say they will construct speed bumps if the situation is not brought to heel. Meanwhile state officals secretly hope Ridgway will just go away.
“We’re the ones who have to endure the traffic, the noise. What do we get out of it?” said another resident who claims to have waited up to 20 minutes to get from the grocery to the park. “And that was in the crosswalk,” she added.
The speed limit will apply to all vehicles, bikes, horses and even tractors. It is hoped that the ordinance will dissuade motorists from using the current route and encourage them to drive home through Gateway.
– Small Mouth Bess
