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Quickie Seasonal Tips
with Muffy Hollandaise
Brew sun vodka for cold winter nights
On sunny days while you’re out skiing or poaching, whip up a batch of authentic potato sun vodka just like you’d brew sun tea. It’s fast and easy and costs next to nothing. First, place two or three peeled red potatoes in a ten gallon glass jar. Cover with water and add just enough more for evaporation caused by that Colorado winter sunshine. Cover mixture with oil cloth and secure. Place in the direct sun. Allow to reach a boil. Brew hooch for eight hours, poteen for 12. For a smoother, better tasting vodka try distilling for 12 years. When friends stop by, invite them to try a ladle of fresh Colorado potato vodka. Won’t they be impressed! (Offer not good in Utah).
Help for wood floors from the unlikely tail wagger custodians
Sick of cleaning hardwood floors. Here’s a trick that removes dirt and dust and gets some work outa the dog. All it takes is a can of tennis balls (one will do if you are not in a hurry) and a slobbering pet. In my experience German Shepherds and Border Collies work best because they are more intense and will retrieve the tennis ball until they drop, no matter what. They are very engaging, silly animals which quickly extracts the likelihood of a competent work force. While the breed is not known for obsessive drooling, saliva glands, excited by the prospect of chewing a soggy tennis ball, will easily compensate for any genetic flaws. Wear gloves if you are easily offended by water at the mouth. Continue exercise for two hours and note clean floors, free of dust wads, dirt and even dog hair.
Keeping cold air out
If you are trying to maintain a warm house this winter remember: Keep cold air out. This provides comfort just as well as keeping the warm air in. Bearing this in mind ALWAYS close exterior doors and windows on cold days and always after sunset when there is no solar advantage to having them open. Screen doors are not advised. Following this simple procedure will guarantee a warmer house and lower heating bills. You will be amazed by the heat that stays in the structure by just shutting off the outside elements. This application, while effective to a fault, will not keep a house warm on its own merit. A heat source, ventilation and fuel are also necessary. We’ll talk about them next time. Bye now.
Life – What you need to know
by Pepper Salta
Many Suburbanites Plan to Live off the Land in Emergency
(Denver) A disturbing number of suburbanites and to a lesser extent, a host of city dwellers, say they will simply live off the land if the excrement hits the air circulation device any time soon.
Almost fifty percent of Americans living in or near high population areas when polled, say they could rough it if need be while only twelve percent declared themselves ready and fit for an uncertain adventure. Of this control group more than half contend that there is really nothing to worry about. Twenty eight percent insist it is too late to be concerned while a paltry six percent say the government will save them in the event of mass chaos and its running mate, pandemonium.
Sadly none expressed concern that a large chunk of the population will also be seeking ways to survive a major disaster or that most of the farmland has been blacktopped, severely hampering efforts to grow food or raise domestic animals.
Sources in rural parts of the country, often alarmed by large crowds and mass migrations, would fare better due to proximity to food sources, water and primitive fuel.
“We could survive a siege for more than six months while our uninvited guests freeze their hungry asses,” said a former beautician from Silt.
“Living off the land sounds romantic to someone who watches television, washed his car and mows his lawn for excitement. These folks aren’t in touch with nature,” said Dr Simon Lackluster, a research fellow at Cal Polygamy, the sponsor of the survey. “What are they going to do? Pick berries? Dig for edible roots? Shoot a rabbit at the mall?”
Experts warn that a population used to nice houses, snap-finger convenience and instant access won’t last more than a few days off the land and out of their comfort zones, due to what could turn into an ugly arrangement.
“They are too far from the food sources,” continued the doctor. “Credit cards don’t usually work in cornfields.”
Although far from completed, an ongoing investigation hinges on probabilities related to the current state of the world.
“Chances for survival at a time of bedlam rely on the distinct knowledge of what was once necessary and what is still wild and a majority of us have lost connection there,” he cautioned.
– Earl “The Pearl” Macadoo
Rodman, Kim grace list of celebrities on retooled “Apprentice”
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman and North Korea’s Dear Leader Kim Jong un will headline a dazzling roster of contestants on a newly revamped The Apprentice. The reality television program will take on much the same format as the original one, which ran before its host was elected President of the United States according to host network NBC.
Rodman, former rebounding standout and transvestite will appear for the first time on the show while Kim is expected to participate by closed circuit cable due to immigration issues.
“If Yankee reporters haven’t figured out how to spell Kim’s full name by now they will be left behind,” said a propaganda release from Pyongyang, the epicenter of evil according to Western sources.
“Kim Jong Un can control the weather for sure,” said Rodman who has solicited the Trump Administration for permission to visit his friend in North Korea. If he is allowed to go he hopes to broker a peace between Kim and Donald. Are we to believe that Rodman will wear a dress and Kim will hit the boards, scoring in the paint, during the visit?
Meanwhile a majority of people living in North Korea are subjected to food shortages and political repression worse than what is occurring in Puerto Rico according to the United Nations. Missiles Over Mouths is the new slogan plastered on billboards all over the Asian country.
“There is no sanity in sending one looney to meet another looney to put in a good word for a third looney,” said Senator Mario Rubio, who appears to now see the writing on the wall and is attempting to project himself as a moderate. “We seem to have forgotten that poor people in this country have the right to vote.”
Many others in the GOP are secretly whispering that Trump should send a recently defeated Ray Moore to Pyongyang since he speaks in tongues and might be able to bring some welcome dialogue to the table.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Liberals Plan Coupe te Grasso
A devious plot to steal Christmas has been thwarted according to Homeland Security personnel who say they have 30 known liberals in custody this morning. The seizure was slated for Christmas Day when all the righteous folk are opening presents. “We choked this one off right at the larnyx,” said one immigration official: Liberals, like those featured above, have allegedly been planning a fashionable Coupes te Monserrat since last year. The insidious scam was to abduct Christmas and replace it with a pagan, secular, communist Winter Solstice. Insiders say the great unwashed would never have embraced the modification that sought to replace plastic Christmas lights with stars and constellations. Business and civic leaders supported what they call arbitrary despotism since the ancient observation of the solstice has no ledger sheet.
Wilds Win Yacht in Horseshoe Raffle
Felicidades to Gary and Debbie Wild, the winners of a new boat as part of the gala Day-Old Fish Raffle held at San Carlos, Sonora. Bankrolled (except for drinks) by the San Juan Horseshoe, all proceeds go to underprivileged bait cutters everywhere. The winners, formerly of Ouray, were forced to disguise the craft in Christmas lights to get it across the border.
ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY
Alas, we have grown tired of extending these seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the holidays we will reach deep and try to de-ruffle a few feathers once more.
First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing in the November issue regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste. Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that this was the case. The prints, as it turns out disappeared the night before this issue was to be put to rest and we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City de-lousing effort and some color pictures of Melvin Toole hanging Christmas lights at the one of our countless private prisons.
Repeated references to Groppo’s alcohol abuse were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens. Implications that Groppo’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetles, twinkies and swamp grass digested while growing up at the Pole are true. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s dietitian
Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo are unfounded, illegal and a waste of time even for those who make a career out of same.
We did not ever say that his immediate family were drug addicts only that the current inhabitants of his family tree were junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics either since most are reputedly closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.
Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide. At least you have exhibited the integrity and good taste to steer clear of civil service – Editor
