All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

January Could Stick Around a Little Longer Than Usual

(Whether Channel, Irish Sea) The often-tedious month of January may last a little longer than 31 days in 2018 according to weather forecasters here on the River Liffey. The projected extension could be particularly hard-felt in mountainous regions of North and South America as well as in the Alps and the Himalayas.

Regions near sea level will experience an increase in moisture but no extreme temperatures often common to January. In the higher elevations, Old Man Winter, often represented by a grim reaper type character, is expected to dole out harsh weather systems common to the month in question. This pattern could remain in effect until mid-May.

“The problem originates with a massive calendar catastrophe way back in 3000 BC when Sumerians failed to turn their clocks back to account for a jump in leap years and the solar and lunar eclipse of 2999,” said one researcher here. “Sure it took almost 500 years but the phenomenon finally caught up with us.”

In layman’s terms, it appears that, after all this time has passed; we owe the calendar about 68 days, which would be made up between January 31 and May 15. Concerned citizens are requested to observe an assortment of weather maps available over at the federal gov’ment. Farmers are urged to maintain their regular routine and not change planting procedures or animal husbandry methodology.

“We’re not calling for mass alarm,” continued the weather scientist. “It’s not like sun spots or global warming…but only a simple calendar adjustment and some inconvenient extended winter conditions hanging around a little longer. It’s nothing to worry about, believe me. Sometimes I wonder why we tell you people anything at all,” he frowned.

For further information consult your cell phone.  -Fanny Albright

Snoring Decathlon Jogs Ancient Dilemma

(Pitkin) With an approving nod to all world-class snorers arriving here this weekend, we present some background and yes, some drivel, in an attempt to educate the populace as to what goes on around them.

Cabin fever undressed! Safety nets be damned. Rattling windows and the sawing of logs will soon fill the February air.

But what of these VIP snoozers, who many experts in the field say represent the best on the planet? Are they disruptive monsters or are they visiting angels? Are they human at all? Is snoring a gentle blessing or a raging plague of nocturnal grunting? Is it a sign of ultimate relaxation or does it telltale of a respiration challenged malady?

We hope to answer a plethora of other questions while presenting well-researched data as well as calming misnomers about the peculiar sounds and contortions associated with the art*** itself.

Ed note: Do not call our offices for tickets since the entire competition is free. All events

begin at bedtime. For a digital scorecard see the tall man in the cowboy hat just outside Ohio City.

Snore Survival and Sound Sleep

The peaceful snoring man is an anomaly to many and sure, women snore too but they usually sound like a bird or a small herd animal and not a polar bear. Put a sock in it is only an expression and can bring on suffocation or worse. In the strawberry twilight of a new love affair she says “Oh I love your snoring. When you purr like that it makes me feels secure.” After a month or so it’s “Stop it or I’m going to sleep in the gate house.”

According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders until the 1950s, most people thought of sleep as a passive, dormant part of our daily lives. We now know that our brains are very active during sleep. Moreover, sleep affects our daily functioning and our physical and mental health in many ways that we are just beginning to understand.

Rip Van Winkle, who some say slept for 50 years,  didn’t miss much as far as he can remember anyway  “…what with dirt and rain and sunshine washing and drying him, he was quite the natural specimen with rodents building nests in his pants legs and shit birds living in his shaggy beard*

From -“The I Can’t Sleep Book” by Melvin Toole. Riveting sequel to both Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings and Breakfast at Stockmen’s.

Sleeper Cells – Who are you sleeping with anyway?

On average 1/3 of one’s life will be spent sleeping.

Support groups such as Sleep Walkers Anonymous undress the concept of sleep as a desired destination. Snoring is seen as a tool toward that particular goal or in rare cases a deterrent to the normal body flow that leads to sleep (especially for others). “My name is Martin and I snore. No coffee – No cigarettes – No saved. I just want to stop snoring.”

From the time your noggin hits the pillow to the crusted morning dream debris in your eyes you should be one with the mattress. There are no loud noises in the Land of Nod. There are no sudden emergencies while resting in the arms of Morpheus. Shut-eye is definitely the gateway drug to snoring.

When searching for the termination to your own particular brand of snoozes interruptus several primitive solutions come to mind. The most common is counting sheep. If you have no sheep go and get some. Livestock rustling is better after dark and, since you are awake anyway, why linger?

Between the sheets – Will making the bed end the chaos?

We are often faced with more serious issues like sleep apnea, chronic fatigue, high blood pressure, weight gain, heart failure, stroke and even increased risk of premature death. No need for guilt – Step up to the plate. A little early morning courage has a  major impact on wrong side of the bed syndrome. Making the bed – sweeping dreams under the carpet? A sense of order after the chaos of sleeplessness? Rarely. It is just another fruitless exercise in self-denial

Fortunately most people are awake for sex. Reference to the comforts of non-sexual foreplay is no more than a pretentious bedtime for bozos. Be sure to take out dental mouthpiece apparatus with tongue straps, can the chew and turn off the television before engaging.

The sleeping chamber should be welcoming even to the head case who worries about falling asleep. Try music to sooth. A bottle of wine works for some but not every night.

Routine bed times, relaxation remedies such as yoga and meditation are invaluable. Exercise during daytime hours allows the sleeper/snorer to get on top of the situation and enjoy those magic moments before slumber advances. What one wears to bed is also a consideration. Avoid loud colors and intricate patterns on clothing. Dress down or get up! Go with simple or go with nothing at all.

Sleep can be defined as the natural periodic suspension of consciousness to restore. Snoring, although an audio demonstration of restfulness, can deprive one of deep sleep and may also be distracting to others who are trying to snooze. Oddly enough, many chronic snorers do not snore during siesta. Researchers remain puzzled as to why.

Take our little test

Define the following words:

1. nepenthean

2. soporific

3. poppied

4. comatose

Would you rather watch paint dry of catch a baseball game to fall asleep?

Multiple choice: Which of the following are beneficial to falling asleep?

1. arms to the side blood flow

2. stretch slightly then relax

3 clear head of all that might be unpleasant or demanding

4 see yourself sawing logs

5. landing a job as an air traffic controller

What is the difference between somnambulism and noctambulism?

Name 25 Hibernation techniques.

Which of the following has been proven most effective in prevention of low, guttural noises in the middle of the night?

Go for a walk on a miserable evening.

Work on a boring project.

Spend the night in a jail cell.

Spend the night in the stables or garage – comfort of own bed will be more enticing.

Duct tape your mouth to your nose.

Pray before bed, realizing that you will no doubt be saved while so many others will spend eternity in hellfire.

Further Fears

Bed wetting sounds a different alarm creating victims from the ranks of snoring – Reptile oil may actually work here but can cause victim to shed skin twice a year. (Patent filed Dec 6, 1927)

Fear of falling out of bed does not merit its own phobia. Fear of falling is listed as basophobia or acrophobia. Wear a helmet if you’re sleeping in the top bunk, employ a net and always keep a night light in reach for those pissing matches that arrive before dawn.

Hypnotism encourages mommy syndrome where someone else is telling you when to go to sleep. Blinders may help one sleep but will do nothing to alleviate snoring unless the mask is mounted on the mouth’s pallet which can be uncomfortable and highly toxic.

 *Epimenides snoozed in a Grecian cave for 57 years and that boy woke up smart. But he started telling everyone how to live, explaining the secret of life, until someone got pissed off at his pontificating and killed him. Sleeping Beauty was a virtual snoring machine until Prince Charming wiped her brow and rescued her from an eternity of drowsiness accompanied by a slight headache. Vishnu snored away the heat of South Asian nights with the help of 18 slaves with palm leaves going in a circular pattern at 12-hour stints.  Gods often do well in sleep-related scenarios.

**Famous snorers, insomniacs and people who got by on little sleep include Einstein, King Xerxes, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Saint Lucille, Mario Andretti, Damon Runyon,  Jezebel, Mickey Mantle, Aaron Burr,  Mother Cline, Molly Brown, Ambrose Bierce, Floyd Little, Maradona, Napoleon and Joan of Arc.

***slumber / industrial snoring. Surreal visions of pharaohs and funeral pyres.

TRUMP ENDORSES PUTIN FOR PRESIDENT

Putting to rest fears that he would support Vladimir Putin for President of the United States, Donald Trump today endorsed the Russian leader for President of The Russian Federation.

While European Union analysts suggest that Putin doesn’t need much help in his bid for reelection there is “always the outside chance” that he will not be elected and will be forced to assume his iron grip through more circuitous, surreptitious channels.

“Putin will be running the show here no matter how the voting turns out,” said Opposition leader Alexey Navalny, a prominent anti-corruption activist, who has been barred from running for president after what many see as a trumped up fraud conviction.

The polls indicate that Putin, a former KGB Lieutenant Colonel, is a sure winner despite whatever charades accompany the actual election. He has been in power for 18 years and has brought Russia from the chaos of Glasnost to a czar-like, totalitarian state where political protest is not tolerated.

“What’s a little hacking, doping, gangsterism, imposed sanctions among friends?” said White House statement. “We applaud  Putin’s stamina and his handling of the press as well as other dissent.

Putin has been in control since 1999, making him the longest sitting Russian ruler since Joseph Stalin and his infamous mustache/bigote which he started growing after the Kerensky Offensive.

Tranquility amidst the throngs

Legal limits on highway caffein levels established

(Montrose) After almost a year of testing, the State of Colorado is poised to determine what comprises legal operation of a motor vehicle while on caffein. Long-running efforts have been both lauded and criticized by social and economic groups in the Rockies since the concept originated in 2015.

Once the restrictions are formulated, Highway Patrol and other law enforcement will be on the lookout for infractions, stopping any driver who exhibits aggressive, illogical or provocative behavior on state highways. According to the architects of the plan “the culling of offenders will make travel much safer and help control this epidemic that threatens to disrupt the very social fabric of the nation.”

Offending motorists can expect to be stopped for erratic speeds, loud music, registration snafus, mechanical issues, and even panicked glances. Officers have been trained to investigate suspicious drivers (and often dangerously whacked out passengers) who appear to be over-cooked on coffee. The aberrant pedal monkey could then be issued a DUIC (driving under the influence of caffein) or a more serious DWOC (driving while over-caffeinated).

If a routine stop suggests that a driver is jacked up in excess of the legal limits he will be arrested, detained, fined, reeducated and severely humiliated. After a day in court the alleged offender may lose his license and face increased insurance rates. Culpable motorists have been warned that police will be on red alert,  especially in the morning hours when coffee abuse is at its highest.

“It gives the cops something to do, someone to bust, in the later morning hours before drivers begin the afternoon and evening booze routine,” said a source at the Colorado Division of Transportation. “Caffein affects everyone differently. We know that. We also know that once the money is in our coffers these distinctions become less and less. It is clear that drugs do not mix well with tons of metal on wheels, traveling at high speeds in crowded or isolated arteries anywhere on dirt or asphalt.”

Experts say that although caffein is more difficult to detect in the blood, other symptoms of too much coffee are quite obvious. Nervousness, inability to concentrate, darting eye coordination, bean breath, profuse sweating, and haphazard  jittery movements behind the wheel are red flags to the trained eye. Roadside “sobriety” tests, while faulty and often inadmissible in court, often indicate unlawful habits before they lead to accidents.

Supporters of the emerging law say caffein leads to other more acute social issues such as domestic violence and road rage, while detractors insist that the move is just one more step in the direction of complete totalitarianism on the highways.

“It’s all about money, not safety,” said one critic. “Nobody in power really gives a tinker’s damn if you use cream and sugar or drink it black.”

Local officials here conclude that a few eggs or flapjacks in the morning could render the entire topic academic.

“It’s just one more good reason to eat a good breakfast,” said one. “Or stay the hell off the highway until you mellow out.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

“Solving the population problem is not going to solve the problems of racism… of sexism… of religious intolerance… of war… of gross economic inequality. But if you don’t solve the population problem, you’re not going to solve any of those problems. Whatever problem you’re interested in, you’re not going to solve it unless you also solve the population problem. Whatever your cause, it’s a lost cause without population control.” – Paul Ehrlick from The Population Bomb written in 1968

Drinking and driving is unacceptable