All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Local Woman Wins Nobel Prize
Hack after receiving the news of her prize
(Stockholm UPS) After minutes of deliberation the Nobel Committee on Non-Essential Pomp awarded this year’s prize for apathy to Dubbie Hack of Olathe.
A spokesman for the group, Svim Orsinke, explained:
“Vell ve yust could not decide between Dub and anoder American, Al Gore. Den ve found out dot Gore tinks he cares, and tinks he does his yob. He even tinks he will be elected President. Dub, on da odder hand, has never kidded herself on dese madders.”
The monetary prize is traditionally awarded to one who displays concerted disinterest, steadfast indifference and/or a strong and resolute lack of concern for all of humanity.
Dub shot to immediate dark fame after she ran over her grandmother on her way to the liquor store last July. When questioned by authorities regarding the old woman in the driveway Dub explained that he had been in a hurry to get to the store before All-star Nordic Wrestling hit the airwaves. The incident was then called accidental by police and no charges were filed.
Critics question the link between the Nobel Committee and Nordic Wrestling Federation suggesting collusion or at the very least tampering and election fraud.
“She might have made it to the mailbox if I hadn’t nailed her on the way back too,” Hack quipped, rolling her eyes. “What had she doing out there on the driveway anyway?” The woman should have been wearing lights or at least an orange vest.”
When told of the decision Dub said he was honored and inquired about said cash awards.
“The gods love the obscure and hate the obvious.”
The Upanishads (800-500 BC)
Snoop on the Tube
American culture has finally lapped itself with the new Joker’s Wild, a late night game show with Snoop Doggie Dog as the host.
Depends Intros Opinion Pants
“Everyone has one and it often gets messy”. That’s the slogan for Depenz new Opinion Pants that have only yesterday been approved by a slew of unnecessary federal agencies and echoed by floundering consumer protection eunuchs.
The pants, made of synthetic hemp, can be worn on the inside or the outside and are not just for older people. The wrap not only keep one’s sense of humor dry but it mutes and edits verbiage transmitted from vital organs according to a spokesperson for Depenz.
One could only expect to see a variety of applications from bar chatter to family dinners, and from city council minutes to law enforcement efforts.
Everyone needs a little control when it comes to relieving themselves through hasty or mindless opinions, according to the innovative company. These are apt to do the trick!
Despite all the excitement the release of the product is not expected until November. Interested consumers are asked to “just shut up” until then.
– Fred Zeppelin
House Thefts Up Nationwide
(New York) The number of houses stolen so far has risen sharply indicating a desperation on the part of the poor and the emergence of more capable thieves. For years burglars were content to break into a home and steal smaller items like jewelry, cash and weapons. Today the high tech crook sees this as small potatoes compared to taking the entire structure.
Gated communities, once thought to keep out negative elements with sticky fingers, have been particularly hard hit with some fourteen second homes ripped off so far this year (3 alone in California).
“Let’s be real here,” said one security guard working near Villa la Basura in Southern California. “If a thief has it on his mind to haul off a house no gate is going to stop him. For what we are paid I can’t see any in the brotherhood of security personnel sticking out his neck to save some rich person’s property.”
One would think that the authorities might have some success catching robbers with an entire house in their possession.
“The police have made some arrests but most of these thefts occur late at night after everyone has gone to bed,” said one police spokesman. “The best advice is to stay home with your rifle handy. These low life types are looking for easy targets and will generally back off when confronted.”
Some security experts go so far as to propose mining a property so as to deprive the thief of access. Attempts to booby-trap foundations or dredge extensive moats have proved disastrous.
The sad scenario of house theft often follows a basic pattern with thieves hauling it off to a secluded spot where the spoils are then divided up at leisure.
“They take everything,” said one Colorado man whose house disappeared back in December. “All we have left is a lot. They even took the dog.”
– Small Mouth Bess
“Get there first with the most men.”
– Nathan Bedford Forrest, Confederate army general (1821-1877)
Horseshoe Corrects Copyright Snafu
(Denver) The San Juan Horseshoe is back in the driver’s seat regarding potential copyright infringements, according to publisher for life General Kashmir Horseshoe. As of this morning all of the paper’s work is registered with the Library of Congress and thus is protected from possible violations by federal law.
“For over a decade, one of our former employees has been religiously sending the papers to the Congress Lounge, at Grant and East Colfax in Denver, instead of forwarding a sample issue to the Library of Congress for documentation,” said Horseshoe. “While most of the paper’s staff has spent time hanging off the bar, hobnobbing with lobbyists and chatting with politicians at the Congress, the lounge really has no capacity to address the copyright laws,” he explained. “The owners are interested in moving drinks, not establishing archives.”
Horseshoe went on to suggest that he would be surprised if anyone wanted to steal from his paper anyway.
“That would be a desperate, wanton act that should be punishable by a slow death or a swift lobotomy,” he smiled, adding that the Congress Lounge would still receive a complimentary subscription each month for its trouble.
– Melvin Toole
“Systems never work. Embrace chaos.”
– Mr. Toad, in Zippy the Pinhead by Bill Griffith.
Say Goodbye to Jardin
Packed up and ready to go. With friends Xavi and Soley on the plaza after lunch.
