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Bass boat fleet arrives at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
Bass boat arrives at North Pole
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
Santa during off-season. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked.“
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Canada,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
For a related piece turn to What to buy for a polar bear? in Lifestyles On Ice
HOLIDAY HOROSCOPE
Are you in need of constant cosmic reassurance? Do you dial late night psychics in the privacy of your own home? Do you actually believe that some mere mortal can tell the future after shuffling cards, reading tarots or throwing tobacco leaves up into the air? You probably vote every November too, don’t you. Instead try perusing the following batter bowl of star-gazer pastry.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your birthday will be ignored again this year with all the Christmas hype. Hire a few apostles to bring your situation to light. It worked for another well-known Capricorn. Too much rum will fog up the mistletoe. This can be good or bad depending on the quality of the holiday crop. If you feel out of balance it’s because you are out of balance. Try standing on your head until March. You would be very vulnerable to losing money this month except that you have none to lose. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. In-laws expected over the holidays? Give them your bed and book passage on a flight to South America.
AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 19)
If you insist on fishing for compliments use your best line. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Your snow tires could be under a lot of pressure this month. Try a little understanding even if the elves fly off the handle once too often. Yes, Santa Claus…there is a Virginia and you owe about $300 in overdue parking fines there. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Take on challenges one schlepp at a time. Screen all fruitcake. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and schlocky Christmas cards altogether. Tonight: Whittle till you puke.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Spawning in the wrong circles could be curtains for little fishy. Stay clear of frying pans and hush puppies till the weather breaks. You are far less attractive than you realize. You may be on a roll but so is the liver pudding. When the spoils of salvage include reindeer jerky get the sleigh taste out of the meat before drying it. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
It is your responsibility to make sure that your love life/relationship/marriage does not become academic/tedious/mundane/. Variety is the answer/key. Tonight why not try apologizing/making up first and fighting later. If a business partner/client is off the wall put him/her/it through the wall at earliest convenience. Use lots of slashes and other odd punctuation throughout the holidays. It will either confuse and/or impress. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. In order to relieve the stress of all this shopping be sure to stop at your local tavern before heading home to pass out and/or wrap your treasures. Note: Drinking to excess has always been an option at family gatherings. Tonight: Take a THC break.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Someone has spilled gourmet coffee on your star chart. Your creativity is at a high point. Today is perfect for making cookies or bombs in the basement. If fiscal worries have you singing the blues try peddling your version with a country twang. People actually buy that kind of garbage. Remember: The first step to solving any problem is to deny it. Limit other vocal arrangements to the shower. Assert yourself this month: You don’t have to sell the daily special to pets. Let them order directly from the menu if they are so smart. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Hibernation is socially acceptable just so long as you brush your teeth afterwards. There are days when nothing goes right no matter how hard you try and other days when everything goes right even though you don’t try at all. Stay in bed till mid-afternoon then check the mail for goodies. If you must count on other people try not using their fingers to do so. Check all brightly wrapped gift baskets for subtle ticking noises. Distinguish between your worst friend and your best enemy. Maybe they are the same person. If the sun is reluctant to shine down on you try adjusting blinders. Many doors will open for you this month letting in little more than an annoying draft. Tonight: Swoon.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Hate Christmas? You’ve been in excellent company over the years. Hitler disliked the holiday so much that he took Paris. Oliver Cromwell and John Chivington pouted through the entire season while General Sherman wouldn’t even let his men have trees in their tents. The Puritans levied a fine for celebrating the secular holiday. Joe Stalin outlawed mistletoe in the Ukraine because the peasants were turning it into borscht. Charlie Manson wouldn’t buy presents until December 26. We can’t think of any female scrooges this time around. Avoid carolers. Brick up your chimney. Somehow, even with your rotten spirit, the whole event will still cost you money. Enjoy.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Changing tires on a tiny sleigh is no easy matter. Give yourself a little credit for what you have already accomplished. A little humor could break the ice with strangers while out angling on the frozen lakes of desperation. Get to know other fruitcakes this holiday season. A overweight elf will fight you for your favorite bar stool. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating and drinking your limit. Separate fantasy from reality and pretty wine bottles from the rest of your trash. Many on your team are posers. Your favorite aunt/uncle is coming for a visit. Keep them away from your favorite husband/wife.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Satisfy sadistic tendencies by leaving Santa chocolate doughnuts, grapefruit juice and salsa on Christmas Eve. Speak clearly when using other people’s credit cards over the phone. The best time for dieting is next year. The best time for romance was last year. The best offense is a good pretense. Don’t feel bad if your presents were less than expected. Late arrivals in this arena could be the best ones and after all, the mail is slow over the holidays. Without an agenda you could get caught without an agenda. Punch out an elf before retiring for the evening. Tonight: Spend time with reclusive pariahs.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Maybe Santa Claus doesn’t believe in you either. Buy yourself an expensive Christmas present and tag it “from a secret admirer”. This may generate a bit of jealous lust on the part of your sleepy mate. Do not produce the note in your own handwriting. Offers to play Santa do not necessarily reflect your jolly nature or jovial personality. It’s just hard to find warm bodies out there that are shaped correctly. It’s high time you lost a few pounds since you can’t really walk around wearing the red suit in January. Go Caroling as long as she is paying. Eat more fruitcake.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 22)
Your competitive nature could get you in hot water over the Christmas season. Let the traditional characters have the limelight for a change. When at the grocery be on the lookout for that rich, seductive stranger in the cereal aisle. Don’t be offended by lewd advice from checkouts or a casual brush back pitch from cartoons on the boxes. Sociopathic tendencies might be a premium in post-holiday soirees. If you wish for something too hard you still might not get it. Spend quality time with your woodpile. Tough decisions await you tomorrow, but hey, it’s still today. Tonight: It’s gonna get dark again.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
All this targeted good humor and charisma is getting old. Try the scrooge approach and people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas. In January you can then make up for the dirty business of late December. Open doors, aluminum cans, refrigerators, windows, minds, charge accounts, wallets and champagne carefully through the holiday season. A rare Yuletide lunar eclipse could put you face-down in the fruitcake can of upward mobility. Avoid button-up flies and bees in the bonnet. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist
SANTA TO MEET WITH COAL MINES
(Paonia) Santa Clause is scheduled to meet this week with coal mine executives to hammer out a deal for next year’s Christmas coal. The demand for the black stuff, which is often used to fill stockings on Christmas Eve, has reached an all time high and has no end in sight so far as anyone can tell.
The head elf says he plans to trade 60 of his finest elves in exchange for “rock bottom” considerations.
“It’s a great deal for the mines. The elves are tireless workers and eat very little. With toy production at an all time low at the North Pole in January the little buggers are just standing around looking for something to do,” he said. .
Santa claims that many children world-wide are seen being naughty day and night . Pinching, kicking, slapping, punching, throwing fits, stealing, lying, cheating on tests, swearing, breaking things, sassing back, spitting, sneaking out at night, not sharing, feeding the dog under the table, disrespecting elders, defacing public property manufacturing bombs and paraphernalia, and acting like spoiled rotten brats has contributed to the colossal amount of coal needed to send a message this Christmas 2018.
“Last year I delivered a thousands of sleigh loads of coal and this year I’m estimating upwards of millions,” frowned Santa.
When asked to elaborate as to the root of the problem with children these days Santa simply sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “Seems to me that it’s a combination consumerism, not enough sleep, improper diet, lack of discipline, and not enough fresh air.”
Jolly Old Saint Nick is due to arrive on Thursday. If negotiations go well he will host a lap sitting session for those who missed it in December..
– Lady Jane
Antiguos druidas veneran bayas de muérdago
(Irlanda) Si alguna vez has vagado por los bosques de Irlanda, no puedes evitar tropezar con el muérdago. Crece en todas partes. Sorprendentemente, cuando el resto del verde está en hibernación, la planta del muérdago continúa produciendo bayas durante todo el invierno.
Los médicos-sacerdotes druidas consideraban que las bayas eran caras por sus beneficios medicinales y muy probablemente en la prevención de la concepción. Las bayas contienen altas concentraciones de progesterona (rimas con testosterona) que estimulan la libido.
Parafrasearemos lo que pudo haber ocurrido después, según lo teorizado por el Dr. John Lee, autor de Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Notable Hormone.
Aquí está el escenario: durante muchos siglos, los druidas patrocinaron un festival del solsticio de invierno que, según nuestro calendario, cayó el 22 o el 23 de diciembre. El evento, que duró una semana, tuvo como objetivo evitar que el sol desapareciera por completo del cielo. (Los paganos también estaban tensos con respecto a las cosas, especialmente el dios sol tomando polvo).
La celebración se llevó a cabo para que la primavera volviera algún día y el mundo no muriera. Katy, abre la puerta! Se pagaron las deudas, se intercambiaron regalos y se presentaron fiestas. Además, abundaba una mezcla sagrada de aguamiel caliente atada con bayas de muérdago. ¿Qué? No Guinness?
Una vez que comenzó la fiesta, la influencia del alcohol caliente y la progesterona ayudaron a que todos se relajaran y se conocieran mejor.
La medicina moderna reconoce el hecho de que el desprendimiento de la menstruación es el resultado de una caída abrupta de progesterona, que sin duda ocurrió después de que terminó la semana de la convulsión celta.
Por lo tanto, cualquier concepción que tuvo lugar durante la semana de relaciones sexuales sin restricciones se perdería en el flujo inducido. Además de permitir a los participantes el acceso a la licencia sexual primitiva, la fiesta del solsticio reforzó la percepción de que el sexo festivo sin responsabilidad posterior era simplemente otro regalo de los dioses. Suficientemente simple.
Con el inicio del nuevo año todo volvió a la normalidad. Y pensaste que habías estado en algunas fiestas … Feliz Navidad, Feliz Hanukkah y Feliz Solsticio. Muérdago bayas y aguamiel
Trump Clobbers Lame Duck With Nine Iron
(Mar de Mars) President for now Donald Trump used a nine-iron on a bothersome lame duck Friday on the 16th hole at his golf corpse here. The duck reportedly laughed at his backswing and the Commander in Chief flew into action repeatedly whacking the quacking bird with his golf club.
It was not clear if the injured duck was of the Peking variety.
Trump, as has been the case recently, played alone with even the regular Republican sycophants avoiding him. Several challenging holes were restricted due to a pending government shutdown that sent greens keepers home without pay.
Angry onlookers rescued the lame duck and brought it to a local veterinarian’s office where it is expected to survive the impulsive attack. One fed-up golfer even cornered the President and lectured him on evangelistic climate change while describing the daily routine life in a federal prison cell.
That Huckabee woman, acting as pending press secretary said the President had every right to strike the duck that was no doubt a feathered immigrant. They said that the mallard pest deserved what he got and since the animal was no longer protected under the Endangered Species Act it was fair game.
“Our leader is no pigeon. He’s tough to the bone,” she stressed. “He stands up to protect America from these kind of terrorist episodes.”
One Trump critic suggested that Trump should be tougher on Russians, White Supremacists, Saudis, bloodthirsty dictators and his immediate family.
A local newspaper defended Trump a la tongue-in-cheek:
“It takes a brave man to do what our President did while under duress,” said an editorial in The Capitol City Poultry Examiner. “His courage is without comparison.”
The Lame Duck along with the Squatting Heifer, the Flint Water Muskrat, the Palomino Kingfisher and most of the fish in both oceans were dropped from the protected status by Trump during his first few hours in office. This action raised eyebrows and started people chatting about unnatural science and the priorities of a self-consuming business agenda.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was perhaps the harshest critic saying “the unprovoked assault on a duck made Trump look like the turkey that he has become.”
After sinking a four-foot putt on number 18 Trump said he didn’t care what the majority of Americans thought of him so long as his base continued to “slurp the pabulum”.
The President will attend a January White Sale rally in West Palm Beach before returning to Washington on Friday.
Temporada de duendes Se espera que tenga un gran impacto
(Gunnison) Se espera que la temporada de elfos de 2004 lleve a más de 5000 cazadores a la cuenca de Gunnison durante las dos semanas de Navidad. A pesar de los conflictos por las licencias y el acceso a las áreas de caza tradicionales, se espera que la caza tenga un gran impacto económico. Los ingresos recaudados podrían saltar a millones de personas, lo que permitirá a los residentes dinero extra con el que vivirlo o tal vez un escape a climas más cálidos durante el invierno.
Tanto el Tesoro de Colorado como el IRS les recuerdan a los comerciantes que no están obligados a reportar ganancias relacionadas con los elfos ya que no hay pruebas de que realmente existan. ¡Las dos agencias fiscales pasaron a desearles a todos una Feliz Navidad!
