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Could Rockies lose 100 games before the All-star break?
According to a little used and highly controversial formula, the Colorado Rockies could lose 100 games by the end of July. Citing the same infinite and collateral math used in Monfort slaughter houses in Greeley, some doomsayers estimate that it could be even worse by September.
Called a “poorly concocted and hapless calculus projection” by front office executives, the emerging consensus stops short of blaming rosin or eye black in the drama. Most look at the ledger sheet.
“They are diverse. They lose in all sorts of creative ways whether it’s bad defense, poor relief pitching, or the ugly strikeout ratio,” said one longtime baseball fan reflecting on the days of the Denver Bears.
When asked how a team could lose 100 games or more when they had only played 62 by the All-Star break one cynic said,” We are aware of those combative and breathy numbers but our formula overrides reason since there is very little reason to watch the Rockies play at this juncture.”
The formula: (whb x 9 = xyz/+ abc (assimilated bounce factor) x 123 probability : “quagmire” = losing culture x 10.5 + dh/Bud/bullpenpals.com) has, of corpse, yet to play out and the team has yet to act in any last ditch efforts at respectability.
Sherrir Montage, a former Weld County Rodeo queen, employed by the Monfort Dynasty, returned our phone call lauding the team’s victory, (was it last week?) and said these predictions were nonsense.
“These are definitely not baseball people,” she added.
Despite all of this many still contend that the Rockies real problem began back in 1990 with the arrival of a very lame logo. CR? That’s it? CR what? Compare if you will team logos for the Pirates, the Orioles, the Athletics or the Giants. Now there are some logos that round the bases and head home. And the license plate uniforms should be worn only in the bullpen with the lights off. Is this keystone fashion statement akin distraction in the late innings. If the opposing dugout is laughing they can’t hit the ball out of the park?
Chatter around the hitting cage has it that baseball deserves a brushback pitch or two after abandoning tradition and joining the money parade that has all but engulfed professional as well as amateur sports.
A very rocky situation here: Why have parking fees and beer prices increased in the Blake Street Terrarium? Why are the nachos still so soggy? How many jingoistic hymns are needed at Coors Field? Is it worthwhile to pray for the starting rotation?
“What are we supposed to do,” asked one embarrassed season ticket holder, “wait until the beer guys start calling in sick?”
Leaving us with that one gnawing, persistent, and agonizing question in our quest to secure the Catbird Seat in October: Are Bud Black and Joe Biden one and the same person?
For a related story please turn to
Blockbuster Trade sends Russell Wilson
to Cardinals for Nolan Arenado
On Lifestyles at Risk
