All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

TVs for food program progressing nicely say officials

(Yellow Jacket, CO) Residents and visitors alike in Montezuma County are encouraged to trade in their unwanted, unused and unsafe televisions for food. A stray cat to the many heralded guns for food programs, this new plan promises discretion, privacy and a fair price for one’s television set..

For decades social scientists and educators have screamed and hollered for television control but networks, manufacturers and lobbyists have consistently snuffed out their pleas. Today in a small Colorado county activists have succeeded in getting some 300 potentially dangerous televisions off the streets.

“The gov’ment seems only too happy to ignore us,” said one activist. “They say television is an entertainment  tradition and provides the most sophisticated communication known to man. But we all know that it is the catalyst, the heart and soul, of the well-documented Numbing of the Nationals Program.”

The NNP is a secret gov’ment agenda which calls for the lowering of the IQ some twelve points by 2018 while raising militant testosterone and diverting significant nurturing hormones.

“Without television the gov’ment could never pull it off. People would function at a much higher level during evening hours and find that there is better entertainment inside their heads than on the tube,” continued added another acutely unreliable street source.

Concerned with what they say is approaching French Revolution standards in many neighborhoods throughout the country, leaders here shared the common consensus.

“Today television is probably much more harmful than firearms,” said Ashly Toallas-Towel, allegedly a county commissar. “If the feds really wanted to control violent behavior they would look toward the TV screen for some answers. Relationships, family, success and yes, handguns are depicted as options of no consequence. TV sends the wrong message plus too many hours gives the viewer a fat ass to boot.” she stressed.

Apparently the status of the television sets is not important. But like the gun exchange certain models will demand more at the grocery. For instance a regular 19-inch color set might bring a bologna-velveta-canned beer menu while an Flatscreen HD set may net groceries for the T-Bone-lobster tail-nice bottle of wine taste.

“We don’t care if they work or not. There’s nothing on worth watching until Bronco season anyway,” said a deputy. “We just want these things out of houses same as we want guns off the street.”

It is estimated that everyone in the county owns at least two weapons

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

“We need our guns. It’s the televisions we’d like to be rid of,” continued the deputy.

Critics of the program insist that it is just the beginning of “full government control over every aspect of our daily lives.

“Criminals don’t trade in televisions. It’s responsible television owners doing that!” said an unidentified spokesman for the National Television Association. “How you gonna watch American Idle or NASCAR without a TV set in your house. What if an intruder forces himself in demanding to watch the five o’clock news? Then you’ll be sorry.”

The relinquished televisions will be destroyed nightly so as not to fall into the hands of terrorists or bankers,” peeped Toole.

“Most arsenals are inadequate to throw back a gov’ment gone mad anyway, so we might just as well eat up.”

In a somewhat related development the United States Congress today announced that it is in unanimous agreement as to the implementation of stricter gun control measures, for South Asia and The Mideast.

– Susie Compost